The Foolish Almanak - LightNovelsOnl.com
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Now, do not show your resentment toward those who forgot to send you presents last Christmas. Send each of them a little remembrance--but be sure to select something that will force them to spend forty or fifty dollars to take care of it or to surround it with the proper atmosphere. This is much better than mailing a post card and letting it go at that.
NEAR EYES ADVERTIs.e.m.e.nTS SPECTACLES FAR EYES EXTRAVAGANZAS
_EYES TESTED AT HOME_
[Ill.u.s.tration]
It is a deplorable fact that human vision is falling below the normal standard day by day. A great many people weaken their eyes by looking for work, others in trying to see a joke where there is no joke.
Our patent home eye tester is presented herewith. Why pay good money to an oculist when you can test your eyes yourself?
DIRECTIONS FOR USING EYE-TESTER
Hold black disc and parallel lines 18 inches in front of your eyes. Close your eyes and look at diagram intently.
If, then, any one line in the diagram seems to you to be more alike than any other line, or if any one line looks to be more parallel than two lines, you ought to wear spectacles.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Fatigued brain-workers desiring to engage in some restful employment should try hair-dressing.
The barber does most of his head-work with his hands.]
[Sidenote: _Household Hint_: Do not mistake the cat for a sofa pillow; those who sit on the cat, thinking she is a cus.h.i.+on, will rise again.]
[Ill.u.s.tration: Our last quarter.]
SUNDAY A SACRED THOUGHT
"Oh, had I the wings of a dove!" sang she And I thought (and I guess it was pat) If she gets them, on next Sunday morning we'll see The two of them pinned on her hat.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1906) Terrible disaster throughout United States--many magazines have hot-air explosions, shattering scores of reputations.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1897) Thousands invest in Keeley motor stock.
(1898) Keeley motor discovered to be a fraud-- first Keeley cure on record.
SAt.u.r.dAY
DECEMBER
All things come to him who goes after them.
FARMING IN ALASKA
It is encouraging to note that farming in our far Northwest possessions is on the boom. [Note to printer--be careful not to make "b.u.m" out of "boom."] A bulletin issued by the Agricultural Department of our government, just as we go to press, shows that there are at present in Alaska 12 farms, four oxen, 13 cows, 176 chickens, 10 pigs, several cases of pneumonia and numerous games of "freeze-out." During the fiscal year there was harvested in Alaska $165 worth of hay, $95 worth of eggs and poultry, and a big crop of ice. There are certain advantages of farming in Alaska. In harvest time, for instance, a man never sweats at work. He markets his milk frozen and sells it by the hunk. You never hear of anybody crying over spilt milk in Alaska. It's the same way with eggs--no cold storage needed; the eggs are frozen before they are layed, thus retaining their fine, fresh flavor until used. You never hear of an egg pa.s.sing from the sublime to the ridiculous stage in Alaska.
Farmers in Alaska plow with ice-picks and shoot the seed into the soil with a double-barreled shotgun. The 12 farmers in Alaska held a farmers' inst.i.tute recently to talk over prospects for the current year. Basing prospects on $165 worth of hay raised last year, they figure that if conditions are favorable they will raise $175 worth this year.
[Sidenote: _Culinary Note_: To pair potatoes, place them two by two.]
[Sidenote: _Health Note_: For water on the brain try an umbrella.]
[Ill.u.s.tration]
SUNDAY EVE BEGAN IT
The eternal feminine has not changed much since the days of Eve, who was the first of her s.e.x to complain that she hadn't a thing to wear.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1798) George Was.h.i.+ngton invents the c.o.c.ktail.
(1906) George Was.h.i.+ngton acknowledged to be most popular man in history of the country.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1905) Beef Trust declared illegal--whatever that is.
(1906) Beef Trust demonstrates that there is no use "beefing about it."
SAt.u.r.dAY
DECEMBER
Most popular book in the world--the pocketbook.
THE PUBLISHER'S COZY CORNER CHAT
ONE OF OUR AWFUL SMART BOYS
