The Foolish Almanak - LightNovelsOnl.com
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FRIDAY Law now off on certain fish. Get the hook.
SAt.u.r.dAY
NOVEMBER
Home is where you are not allowed to sit on the sofa pillows.
FORECAST FOR NOVEMBER
The period between the 1st and the 9th will be marked by cold in the head and feet. To relieve cold feet bathe them in hot water before retiring; if they're your wife's, do the same. Another way to relieve cold feet is to get out of the game. From the 9th to the 16th there will be hard sledding for the poor and automobiling for the rich. Along the latter part of the month there will be a wave of hot mince pie, turkey, cranberry sauce, and other good things, followed by headache in the northern portion and stomach-ache in the southern portion.
Sagittarius (the Archer) is the sign in the Zodiac for November. It is "Sag's" business to shoot any good weather that shows itself above the skyline. Sometimes when "Sag" is not looking the summer Indian sneaks through the picket line.
[Sidenote: _Poultry Hint_: Time spent in trying to reform a bad egg is time wasted.]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons troubled with rheumatics should avoid attic rooms, but those who have the "s.h.i.+ngles"
can sleep on the roof.]
[Ill.u.s.tration]
SUNDAY METEORO-LOGICAL
MONDAY "One swallow does not make a summer,"
Still, 'tis clear to all That swallows enough of the right sort of stuff Are certain to make a fall.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1775) Was.h.i.+ngton's army, barefooted in the snow at Valley Forge, swore that it would, later on, whip the British "out of their boots."
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (4004 B.C.) Popular songs invented by Adam, who introduced "There's only one girl in the world for me!"
SAt.u.r.dAY
NOVEMBER
Circ.u.mstances open cases.
HOW TO VIEW AN ECLIPSE
To properly view an eclipse to its full, a party of several good spirits should get together. Whether an eclipse of the sun or the moon, each should take a gla.s.s and smoke it. A great deal depends on the quality and character of the gla.s.s. Some gla.s.ses are much more certain to reveal an eclipse than are others.
If the first gla.s.s when properly smoked does not show the eclipse, try another and a stronger one. It is very probable that this gla.s.s will show the sun or the moon in the throes of an eclipse. Still another gla.s.s will show two suns or two moons. The third gla.s.s is likely to show several moons and several suns, fixed stars and those that need fixing, comets and milky ways, sky-rockets and pin-wheels, all combining to eclipse the finest display of Fourth of July fireworks ever projected by the mind of man.
And when the beholder of this mighty spectacle wakes up during the afternoon of the following day and sees but one simple unadorned sun doing business in the whole expanse of the broad, blue heavens, he has a feeling of pity for all those who retired early the night before and missed the social, spiritual, and educative uplift that comes from viewing an eclipse under just the proper conditions.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Young ladies desiring more color in their cheeks should try brus.h.i.+ng the same with a two days' growth of bristles on a masculine chin.]
[Ill.u.s.tration]
SUNDAY WHO DARES?
MONDAY Some men are brave, no doubt, in war, But the iron-nerved rip-snorter Is the fellow who rides in the sleeping-car And refuses to tip the potter.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1890) Improved excelsior machines invented.
Same date--Breakfast food introduced.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1828) Daniel O'Connell, elected to parliament, refuses to take the oath.
Same date--First and only time on record a politician ever refused to take anything.
SAt.u.r.dAY
NOVEMBER
The man behind the man in front const.i.tutes a pull, not a push.
HELPFUL HINT FOR DECEMBER
