The Foolish Almanak - LightNovelsOnl.com
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We cannot speak too strongly against the pernicious habit of doctoring mince meat with brandy. It lures men on. The first baleful bite rouses the appet.i.te, and soon they will be eating mince pie after mince pie all day, and eventually be laid up with indigestion. And even the aggressive clove curls up and faints when ordered to disguise a mince pie breath.
HOW TO GET RID OF THE GYPSY MOTH
First, climb the tree where he resides and carefully put him in your hip pocket; then fall heavily to the ground, landing on your back in such a manner as to disfigure the moth permanently.
If he survives, circulate stories derogatory to gypsies generally and he will leave of his own accord.
[Sidenote: _Horticultural Note_: This is a good month to get a slip from an ice plant. Walk through it without rubbers.
[Ill.u.s.tration]
[Ill.u.s.tration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat off.]
SUNDAY EVOLUTION
"I'm not a beauty, I'll allow,"
Said the poor mule, lank and old, "But I'm less of a jacka.s.s, anyhow, Than my father was, I'm told."
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1904) Prohibitionists nominated Swallow for President. He went down easily.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1905) Roosevelt discovered that he was nominated June "23."
(1906) Roosevelt decides not to run for third term.
SAt.u.r.dAY
NOVEMBER
h.e.l.l hath no fury like a woman scorned and, according to all accounts, it also has many other discomforts of home.
FAMILY TREES
Men are luckless farmers, Their Family Trees will show, For many who grafted Peaches Are ruined by their Blow.
CANNED ADVERTIs.e.m.e.nTS HEAD GOODS WEAR
_BRAINS MADE TO ORDER!_
Do your brains fit you? Are they of an inferior quality? Do they make you a living?
... USE ...
OLD DR. WISE'S BRAINS!
We have reached the highest perfection point in the manufacture of brains and can supply you with canned brains at reasonable prices. Put up only in pints and quarts.
Prices on application.
BRAINS ON TRIAL!
Send us your name and we will s.h.i.+p you direct a complete set of our brains on trial.
Use them 30 days and if, at the end of that period, you find them not all we claim, return them to us at our expense.
SECOND-HAND BRAINS TAKEN IN EXCHANGE!
THE WISE GRAY MATTER CO.
Boston, Ma.s.s.
[Sidenote: _Golf Rule_: If you strike your partner, while driving, the stroke counts against him.]
[Sidenote: _Health Note_: To cure palpitation of the heart, it is best to ask her at once and have it over with.]
[Ill.u.s.tration: Push those clouds away. He's not the only one with a first quarter. Aw you know me.]
SUNDAY GENEALOGICAL NOTE
Any low-browed, brindle rooster Can kerdoodle if he choose ter And strut about and cackle, "Tra la la!"
But an incubator chicken Hatched by steam's a mighty slick un'
If it's wise enough to recognize its ma.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1640) Torture abolished in England.
(1906) Corsets still worn.
