A God's Apocalyptic Entertainment 126 Healing

I read on with a slightly peaceful expression. In my lap and listening raptly was Ella. She had curled her body while she listened to me tell her a story. With her body being as tall as it was, it wasn't the most comfortable for me, but I didn't care.

It was quite relaxing to read the book; it was one I had never read before as well, making it all the more interesting. Trying to change my voice to emulate the characters that I described, exaggerating some of the aspects as if I was talking to a child. Which she was and wasn't at the same time.

Her mentality may have increased over her stay here, but she was still only 2-3 month old. She would still be considered a baby if she grew normally. But she wasn't, and I was fine with that. I liked seeing her expression light up and change as the story got interesting, and her emotions as they went all over the place when it got tense.

Having not focused on many adventure novels when she was learning, this was a new experience for her, and I was immensely glad that she hadn't. It would have taken away from this time here. This time where I felt like a normal brother, entertaining his normal sister.

It had been 1 and a half months since I first reached the library. And it had only been a week since I was able to get some sleep without waking up in a cold sweat. If I had to name the change that made it so I could move on with my life, there was none. I hadn't moved on with my life.

I could never really move on from the atrocities that I had committed, there was nothing that could redeem me. And I had to come to terms with that, and once I could do that I could continue my life. Even now I hadn't come to terms with it, but I was on my way.

I couldn't take back what I had done, and I would improve from now on. I had to make sure that such a scenario never happened again. I couldn't let my hubris, my greed for power, my rush to take vengeance. I could let nothing distract me from the fact that I was a human person. That I had morals that I wouldn't cross, no that I couldn't cross, nothing could justify it. And even though I wasn't really human anymore, being a high human now, I would never change this.

What had woken me up you ask? Well it was quite simple actually, Rose. She had pulled me aside 9 days ago, I was still sleep deprived and reeling from my nightmares. Every night Ella would have to knock me out so that I could go to sleep.

I had been indignant the first time I had been knocked out. All the anger that had been building up wanted to explode at that time. I wanted to unleash my anger on Ella who was lying next to me. She had a content expression on her face that made me want to hurt her even more.

But as my rage was boiling and I was going to hit her I stopped, I remembered a time exactly like this, when I was going to beat up Ella because of my own misdeeds and anger. I had sworn back in the hospital the first time that happened that I would never do it again.

But once again I was forgetting the past and repeating my mistakes. I pulled back the fist that was about to hit her, and instead broke each of my fingers. Of course this had awoken Ella and she had been angry at what I was doing. She had even tried to stop me but I wouldn't let her.

In the end as my hand swelled up and my regeneration started to kick in I turned to her. I told her right then and there while my head was clear and not addled by my pain and misery.

"Ella, no matter what I say or do in the future. Please knock me out if I will not go to sleep. If I start to hurt myself, if I try to run away from it….. please knock me out."

Ella realized how serious I was at that point in time and without hesitation she agreed. She would always agree to something if I asked. And that was a major step that had pulled me back from the abyss, but it was later, when Rose pulled me aside, that I finally found my motivation, something that I could cling onto to bring me back.

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Ella was sleeping off to the side as I woke up; I was sweating again from the intense scene of carnage I had to watch in my dreams. I gave a sad smile as I rubbed the back of my neck. It was starting to itch from all the times I had been knocked out.

'Partner'

As I was sitting in a daze I heard Rose's voice sound in my head, looking to the left I saw her standing at one of the doors leading to the room. She was trying to be quiet as she looked at me. I knew she wanted to let Ella sleep while she talked to me, so I stood up quietly and made my way out.

Closing the door softly I moved too one of the secluded rooms to talk with her. I may have cut the connection between, me, Rose and Ella, but I was still able to receive communication through the connection, if the other party tried hard enough.

Of course I could completely block them out, but I saw no reason to. There were a few desks in the secluded area and we found a spot to sit relatively quickly. I rubbed my eyes as I finally sat down in the seat that was offered. My body was tired from the lack of sleep so I sat down slowly.

Rose moved opposite me and gave me a hard stare. It was funny. Before the apocalypse I had never had a connection to someone, to tell me what they were feeling and it had never bothered me.

But after being connected to Ella for so long and also Rose for a short period of time, it was a bit weird talking to them like this. I mean I would usually talk to them out loud, I would just be able to feel their feelings and gauge how serious they were.

Now being without this connection I found the conversation harder to judge. Was this a good thing or bad thing? I wasn't sure.

Judging from the serious look in her eyes though I could tell she meant business and I focused all my attention, whatever she was going to say was important.

"Liam."

That's weird, has she ever called me that? It was usually partner.

"I know you are a good person."

My mind blanked as I thought back to the ma.s.sacre that had taken place, was I a good person? My face darkened and my mind started to go dark as it spiraled downwards. But before I could go too deep she kept talking.

"Stop, don't think."

She reached out and grabbed my hand forcefully as if trying to anchor me. I wanted to pull my hand back but my strength for some reason had no effect right now. She continued in a gentle voice.

"A heartless person wouldn't beat themselves up over what happened. A heartless person wouldn't want to atone for their sins. A heartless person wouldn't be what you are right now."

"But…"

She didn't let me continue as she gripped my fist harder and her eyes blazed.

"I'm not saying to forget what you did. I'm saying you have to deal with them."

Her words. .h.i.t me hard. What was the point of all this talk, she wasn't saying for me to forget about what I did? To deal with all the innocents I killed? To get over them?

"For Ella!"

Her words made my head blank again? What was she talking about?

"She is your family right? She needs you right now. Have you not seen how she worries for you? Is this how you should act? Putting them through pain and suffering, because of your own mistake?"

"Ella was family? Had I been treating her like family up till this point?"

"You want revenge on that G.o.d for your family right?"

I nodded my head dumbly.

"Right, so why are you wallowing here? So you made a mistake, probably more than a few. What you need to do right now is learn from this! Reaffirm what you fight for! What your goal is! And most importantly pick yourself up!"

Her words were growing in intensity and were piercing my brain.

"Make your resolve now! You are likely to make Mistakes in the future! To stuff up! To kill an innocent, whether accidentally or not!"

She took a deep breath.

"Even though this all may happen, never forget! Never forget your family! Your partners! All those who you have failed! Never forget yourself!"

She finished her rant as I sat there going over her words.

"Never forget those that will miss you if you were to go."

My mind flashed back to my family. My mother and sister that had died the first day I was here. They were the reason I had sworn vengeance on G.o.d. But even if I was to take vengeance on that G.o.d, I must never forget who I am!

I had taken Ella as my sister, but had I ever treated her like one? Or was I just using her as a tool to make my own goals easier. Had I forgotten myself in my path for vengeance, that I had cost the lives of numerous innocents?

The plain answer was yes. Yes I had.

My eyes watered as I started to remember who I was. The person I was before the apocalypse started to mess with me. I wasn't a blood thirsty person by nature; I had been changed when the world changed. And it had lead me to where I am now.

I could never take the burdens away that I had acc.u.mulated; I could only strive forwards not to make the same mistakes.

I broke down and cried after Rose talked to me. She moved over to where I was sitting and hugged me until I stopped.

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And after that day I found my new resolve. I had given myself some time to, if only a little, to find myself. And the first step to doing that, was to treat Ella like a real sister.

So because of that here I was, sitting on a couch, Rose off to the side reading her own book, while Ella sat on my lap and listened.

After that day I started to heal.

And doing this right here and now.

I felt myself healing.