One Good Memory Part 13

Eva sighed. "I just hope you made the right choice."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. "Was there a specific reason you wanted me to stay after?"

Eva frowned to herself and leaned forward to set her drink on the table. "I need a favor and I'm a little uncomfortable about asking."

"Why?"

"Asking for help is not my strong point; especially from a group member. I feel like it's my function to provide help, not receive it."

"I think we both know," Maryl said gently, "that I'll be moving on now. If not this meeting, then the next. I've done what I needed to do in group."

"That's what I thought."

"What can I do for you, Eva?"

"It's not really for me." Eva seemed nervous. "I'm looking for information for someone else. I saw a program recently on television. It was about women who lose...s.e.xual function after having a hysterectomy. I guess it happens a lot more than people think."

"It does." Maryl had heard about this and she remembered seeing the program as well. "It wasn't that long ago that doctors believed menstrual cramps were a figment of our imagination. It's only been just recently that the medical profession has started talking about this new problem and even then they can't all agree that it even happens. Just because they can point to a body part or explain its function doesn't mean that they understand how it all works together. It makes perfect sense to me that a hysterectomy could destroy a link in the chain of s.e.xual response. A woman's s.e.xual response is far more difficult to understand and quantify than a man's is. You can bet that if men were becoming impotent after vasectomies, there would be congressional intervention."

Maryl stopped herself. It was too easy to jump on the soapbox and start ranting, but that wasn't what Eva needed. The thought of all the misery that women were experiencing over this particular thing made her sick to her stomach. She worried that Eva was the one it had happened to, but then tiny pieces of information clicked into a believable picture. "Kirsten."

Eva slumped, her face a mask of pain, and Maryl knew the rest. "You're in love with her." The agony in Eva's eyes told it all. "Does she know?"

"I don't know. It's complicated."

Maryl nodded in sympathy. Now she knew what to do. "I know of a doctor-not in my office-who is furious that nothing is being done on a large scale to find a way to treat it. She's relatively new to this area, but from the few times I've had contact with her, she's sharp. At the very least, she will validate it as a real and serious problem. She intimidates a lot of the male doctors, but then, they think it's a psychosomatic issue. If there's anyone in this area who knows what's going on and the treatments that are being tried, it's her. I know for sure she has several patients who have suffered the same loss and maybe she would be willing to introduce Kirsten to other women so she can talk about it. If you've got a phone book, I can circle her number for you."

In seconds, Eva was sitting next to her as she flipped through the yellow pages. "There she is."

Eva began to cry, but she was smiling, too. "Thank you, Maryl. No matter what happens, I owe you one."

"Oh, please!" Maryl threw her arm over Eva's shoulders. "You do so much for us and we do so little in return. I just hope Kirsten gets some help and you two work it out. I think you'd be great together and if there's anything else I can do, just let me know."

Maryl left work on Friday with no idea what she was going to do over the weekend. She was in her car with the engine running before she saw the notepaper under her winds.h.i.+eld wiper. It wasn't uncommon to find flyers for events and services on her car after work and she didn't give it much thought until she had it in her hand. Unlike the usual missives, this one was handwritten in graceful, flowing script. She felt the blood draining from her body as she read.

I was wrong to let you believe that I could walk away and never see you again. You are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. You are my dream and I believe in dreams with all my heart. When you are ready to talk, call me at any hour. Robin Griffith A local phone number was written at the bottom of the page and Maryl cried with a poignant blend of joy and fear. She knew in an instant that the woman she had been seeing around town was Robin. She put her forehead to the steering wheel in disbelieving shock. "OmiG.o.d...omiG.o.d...omiG.o.d..."

"Hey, Maryl. What's wrong?"

Janelle had her hand on the open window and was looking in at her with concern. Maryl put her head back against the headrest of her seat. "She's here."

"Who?"

"Robin." Maryl held the note up. "She's here. It's her I've been seeing. She was here. At my car. She was right here."

Janelle took the note and quickly scanned it. "Oh, Maryl! This is so romantic!"

Maryl closed her eyes and shook her head. "This is wrong. All wrong. She's not supposed to be here."

"But this is wonderful! She really does love you!"

"She's not supposed to be here!"

She is here," Janelle said firmly. "And it's about d.a.m.n time. When you're not manic, you mope. I'm getting pretty sick of it."

Maryl s.n.a.t.c.hed the note out of Janelle's hand. "I'm sorry you find me so difficult to be around." She put the Toyota in gear and drove home with bleary eyes and a timorous heart.

By the time she got home, she was on the edge of the first panic attack of her life. She locked her doors, pulled the shades and disconnected the phone before crawling into bed with the shakes. Rupert lay on the floor next to the bed and whined in confusion. Maryl's mind raced in denial and her panic escalated into tears. She wept until she felt sick and staggered into the bathroom to throw up. Brus.h.i.+ng her teeth afterwards, her anger began to rise. When it was strong enough to protect her, she plugged her phone in and called Robin's number.

"h.e.l.lo."

Maryl almost caved when she heard Robin's husky voice. "What do you think you're doing? You promised it would be over."

"I never promised," Robin said in a quiet voice.

Maryl knew this was true and it just made her angrier. "I asked you not to come here. We talked about this and it will never work."

"Why not?"

"Because! We don't know anything about each other! What happened between us was a illusion-an aberration!"

"I don't believe that and I don't think you do either."

Robin's utter calm was infuriating. "You said you would be my memory and now you've ruined it for me! How can I ever trust you again? You should never have come here!" Maryl was shaking with rage.

"I had to come," Robin said simply.

"Why?"

"Because I love you."

Maryl couldn't frame a coherent reply so she slammed the phone down. It wasn't satisfying enough so she slammed it again. Not being in the best frame of mind to make decisions, Maryl allowed herself to have a fit.

Her phone was obviously broken by the time she felt better and Rupert was fussing at the back door to be let out. Unplugging the phone from the wall, she carried it into the kitchen and dropped it in the trash before letting Rupert out into the back yard. She sat down at the kitchen table with a beer and tried to sort out her conflicting emotions.

The temptation to find Robin and go to her was central in her heart. But what to do then was uncertain. She could try to convince her to go home to her family. She could fall into her arms and let fate determine their destiny. She had a completely irrational urge to grab Robin by the ears and shake some sense into her. Or she could ignore Robin entirely and perhaps in time she would realize the mistake she had made and leave.

Unable to come to a decision and feeling a little drained by the emotions of the past few hours, Maryl took Rupert for a short run and watched the news before going to bed. She lay in the dark for hours, her eyes wide open and couldn't get rid of the knowledge that Robin was within just a few miles and would be happy to see her. Or would have been if Maryl hadn't yelled at her and hung up on her. She wished she could take that conversation back, but she didn't know how she could have done it differently. She had counted on never seeing her again and now she was here.

It was almost three in the morning when she started digging around in her closet for her old phone. Hoping it would work, she plugged it into the outlet under the bed and lifted the handset. Hearing a dial tone, she sat on the floor and punched in the number she had inadvertently memorized.

Robin's voice was sleepy. "h.e.l.lo?"

Maryl felt small and vulnerable. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"I had it coming."

"And I shouldn't have hung up on you. I don't usually act like that."

"Let's just forget that call ever happened, okay?"

Maryl nodded as new tears fell. "I've seen you a couple of times this last week. I thought I was going crazy."

"I'm sorry, Maryl. I tried to keep a low profile so you wouldn't see me by accident, but I had no idea where and when you were likely to be so every time I went out was a gamble. Listen, I know this wasn't what you wanted. I've been selfish in going after what I want, but I want you to know that I don't have any expectations. I have hopes, but no expectations. I'm here and I'm not going away, but I'm not going to stalk you. You can talk to me or not talk to me-it's up to you."

"I don't know what I want."

"I know you'll need time to work it out. I'm prepared to be as patient as you need me to be. Just because I'm here doesn't mean you have to decide anything right away. I'm willing to let you set the pace."

"You mean until I come to my senses?"

Robin chuckled softly. "Something like that. At some point, you'll realize that I really do love you and that I want to love you for the rest of your life. Whether that takes weeks or months is up to you. But however long it turns out to be, I'll be here."

"How can you be so certain I'm the one for you?"

"Because I woke up next to love."

Maryl remembered how long it had taken to arrange the stones on the beach. She had had to work so quietly, afraid that Robin would wake and catch her.

"I know that you love me, Maryl, and I know that you're afraid to trust my love for you, but if you'll give me a chance, I'll prove it to you."

It was all becoming too much and Maryl knew if she didn't hang up soon she would start blubbering. "I should let you get back to bed. I only called to apologize."

"Okay. Get some sleep, Maryl. Call me whenever you need to talk, even if it's only about the weather."

"Good night, Robin."

When she woke, Janelle was lying on the other side of the bed watching her. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry I was such a jerk yesterday, but you've been behaving irrationally."

Maryl rolled to her back and stretched. "I'm probably not done."

"Thanks for the warning. Did you call her?"

Maryl stared at her ceiling and remembered. "Yes. What time is it?"

"A little after eleven. What did she say?"

"Can this conversation wait until I've had some coffee?"

Janelle sat up and crossed her legs. "I made some about an hour ago. By the way, what happened to your phone?"

"Long story," Maryl said as she threw the covers back and sat up. "My old phone is hooked up. It's under the edge of the bed." She stuck her feet in worn slippers and padded into the kitchen. Rupert had his nose pointed at the back door and she apologized to him before letting him out. The coffee was just as she liked it and she carried a steaming cup back to the bedroom. "You could have let Rupert out."

"He didn't ask me."

"I don't recall asking you in."

"You would have," Janelle said lightly, "but you were still asleep."

Maryl propped her pillows against the headboard and leaned back against it. She held her coffee with both hands and blew on it while considering what to say. She knew that Janelle was all but frothing at the mouth with antic.i.p.ation and the idea of messing with her head before answering questions was too tempting to pa.s.s up. "You've been spending quite a bit of time in my bed recently. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"Oh, please," Janelle grimaced. "To start with, you don't have the right equipment..."

"I know where to buy it," Maryl interrupted.

Janelle blushed. "Can you buy a hairy chest, too?"

Maryl grinned. "Probably not, but I know a woman who..."

Janelle held her hands up in horrified protest. "I'd rather not know. If you're not going to tell me about Robin, I'm leaving. What did you talk about?"

Maryl sipped her coffee before speaking. "She loves me; she's not going to stalk me and she'll be patient."

"That's it?" Janelle spread her hands apart. "Where is she working? Where does she live? How long has she been here? Does she like dogs?"

"We didn't talk about any of that."

Janelle rolled her eyes. "Well, when are you going to see her?"

Maryl shrugged.

"You must know that it's inevitable," Janelle pointed out. "You've already seen her a couple of times and you didn't even know she was here. This isn't that big a city and you're going to run into her whether you like it or not. If it's accidental, you'll be taken off guard and she'll be in control while you blubber and blush. Is that what you want?"

"It's not about being in control," Maryl objected.

"Oh, yes, it is," Janelle said firmly. "Not of her, but of yourself. One of the things I've always admired about you is how persistently you pursue relations.h.i.+ps. No matter what happens, you keep putting yourself out there in search of The One. Since you came home from the camping trip, you've changed. You stopped looking. It's like you found the one you want and no one else will do, but you refuse to go after her. Maybe you had a good excuse when she lived in Breining, but she's here now. Changing your whole life to be near someone is pretty serious. Don't you think?"

Maryl swung her legs out of bed and headed for the kitchen. "I don't want to think about this right now."

"See?" Janelle said as she followed. "That's so unlike you! You're usually so aggressive about understanding what's going on and now you run away and hide at every opportunity."

Maryl felt almost panicked at the pressure she was under. Her skin itched and she felt like crying and the urge to drive Janelle forcibly from her house was almost unbearable. She refilled her coffee cup and sat down at the table, determined to keep it under wraps.

Janelle pulled out the chair across from her and sat down. "You love her."

"I loved her," Maryl corrected.

"You still love her; you're just afraid of what that means. Call her."

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'm not ready."

"When will you be ready?"