Don't Cry Stories Part 5

Before she met Yasmin, Dani said, she did not court or date or screw any girls for over a year. She was thirty-six and she felt very old. She did not want to be the "older lesbian" going after young girls. She did not have the heart for it. But she was very lonely, more lonely than she had ever been. She felt'she didn't belong anywhere. She thought she would die. I didn't ask her why she hadn't called me, because I already knew. Instead, I glanced down at my watch, saw that I needed to go, and ordered another drink.

At the end of the show, the magician goes home. And so does the girl who was sawed in half She changes out of her costume into her jeans and sneakers and leaves by the back door, crus.h.i.+ng a cigarette under her foot as she goes.

It is a low form of performance, and a tawdry metaphor for any kind of affair. And yet shows are wonderful. Even for jaded performers, they have a sheen of glamour, no matter if the sheen is threadbare and collecting dust. And in that sheen, there may be hidden, in the sparkle of some stray rhinestone or store-bought glitter, the true magic that will, as the synthetic curtain opens, reveal a glimpse of something more real than one's strange and unreal life.

The curtain opened again at a boring book event in L.A.; I walked in, and there was Dani, lying eel-like on a leather love seat, nodding at someone I couldn't see. She must've felt my gaze, because she turned, saw me, and said, "Of all people-her voice loud enough for me to hear her across the room. I knocked down a lamp as we stumbled into her room, a funky litde box that my fun-house memory has given three walls instead of four. To steady me, she took my hair in her fist. "We really don't know each other now," she said. The next day, I woke alone in my room, where a l.u.s.tily roaring hotel shower brightly stippled my bruised flesh. The curtain opened again that evening; silently she offered me her smartly clad arm, and silently I accepted.

Halfway through her second martini, Dani asked, "Does David take care of you?"

"Yes," I said. "We take care of each other."

"Good," she said. "I'm glad."

In the back of the restaurant, the elderly couple slowly rose from their seats, the man taking the woman's arm at the elbow. We paused to watch them. Ceiling fans with large wooden blades solemnly turned over our heads.

Each scene covers and is covered and shows through the others, ; fractured, s.h.i.+fting, and shaded, like bits of color in a kaleidoscope. I I moved to Houston to teach; she moved to New York to worJss for a former jazz singer who wanted to write a memoir. She travel eled often to LA. to visit a woman she was courting there; I traveled often to New York to visit no one in particular. We were nothing to each other, really. I rarely thought of her, and although she said otherwise, I doubt she thought of me except when she saw me. And yet from time to time, in a little pit with a s.h.i.+mmering curtain, we would discover a room with a false back, and through the trapdoor we would willingly tumble, into a place where we were not a mere addendum to another, more genuine life-a place where we were the life, in this fervid red rectangle or this blue one.

Slowly, the elderly couple moved past our table, the man still hold-ing the woman's arm, the woman's small silver handbag dangling a little rakishly from her gentle, wrinkled hand. Dani watched them, her eyes softening even in profile.

Her strength, her social ident.i.ty, had been stripped from her as time had stripped her youth. But her private world had moved forward to fill the empty s.p.a.ce. I thought, This is why I always trusted her. Because my private ident.i.ty was my strength, I could sense hers even when I couldn't see it, and I knew it could be trusted.

Time and again, the curtain parted: Served by stylish hostesses, we sat in ornate chairs, drinking martinis and eating caviar on toast. A lurid dream of music surged around us, mixed with the globule voices of strangers bent double, triple with personality. We held hands and kissed across the table; Dani said, "If we have s.e.x again, I don't want us to be drunk." Drunk already, I took a ring out of my pocket, a flat amethyst I had bought that day I had not bought it for her, but I gave it to her. "I love you," I said. "We can't be together, and maybe we'll never even have s.e.x again. But I love you." Rosy young heteros.e.xuals burst into laughter, gobbling olives and peanuts and beautiful colored drinks in s.h.i.+mmering gla.s.ses. Another time, we sat side by side in a modest music hall, my arm around her low back, feeling the k.n.o.bs of her fiery spine. We were there because Dani knew the singer in the band, a s.e.xy blonde no longer in her first youth. She sang "Today I'm Yours" and the music made shapes for her words: a flower, a rainy street in spring, an open hand, a wet, thumping heart. Each shape was crude and colored maybe a little too vividly with feeling. But we wanted those shapes and that feeling. My father was dead, and the writer Dani had once left me for was dead, too. We were not young anymore "Today I'm Yours." It was a crude and romantic song. But human feeling is crude and romantic. Sometimes, it is more vivid than anyone could color it. In some faraway badly smudged mirror, Dani's striking arm flashes again and again; her face is in an almost featureless trance, and my twisted mouth is the only thing I can see of myself.

"Here," she said, handing the taxi driver a bill. "Wait until she gets in the door, okay?" The cab bucked forward, and her hard, dear face disappeared in a rush of starless darkness and cold city lights. I woke sprawled half-naked in a room with all the lights on, the phone in one hand, my address book in the other, open to the page with Dani's number on it.

"I'm sorry about something," she said. "I've always wanted to tell you." We were waiting for the check. Playfully laughing waitpeople lingered at the warmly lit kitchen door; for them, the evening was about to begin. "I wish I'd been a better friend to you," she said. "In San Francisco, I mean. I knew you were lonely. But I couldn't. I was too young and I just couldn't,"

"It's all right," I said. "It would've been difficult." I looked down at the table; it was gleaming and hard, and there was a s.h.i.+ning drop of water or alcohol graying the tip of Dani's spotless napkin. Soon my husband and I would be making chicken for five people. There would be litde bowls of snacks and flowers and drinks. But how private the k.n.o.bs of Dani's spine had been when she was next to me and my arm was around her low back. How good it was to sit across from her and see the changes in her face. How heartless and foolish we had been together, how obscene. How strange if ten years from this moment, David and Yasmin were gone and instead Dani and I were living together. The image of this, our life together, winked like a piece of glitter with a whole atomic globe whirring inside it, then vanished like the speck it was. The check came. We counted out the money. I paid the tab; Dani left a generous tip.

We came out onto the street and saw it had rained. The pavement was steamy and darkly patched, and traffic moved with a shadowy hiss. The sky was pale, but gold light rimmed the rumpled horizon of old brick apartments, restaurants, and shops that had changed their names a dozen times in ten years. Dani said she'd walk me home. We walked past the wall layered with movie posters, and I saw that the circus tiger leaping through the rubbed-away eye of an actress had itself been rubbed away by the rain, leaving the image of a pale blue eye staring through rippling black stripes. I remembered the song "Today I'm Yours," and I asked Dani if she knew what the blond singer was doing now "I don't," she said. "We lost touch somehow" We walked in silence for a while. Another piece of glitter winked; in it I saw my parents, smiling at each other, kissing and embracing. Like an afterimage, I saw Dani's parents embracing, too. Tonight, David and I would make food for people; we would talk and there would be music. We would smile, kiss, embrace. Before we lost touch, or turned into something else, another person or a spirit or ashes or bones in the dirt with a stone on it.

Forgetting to look at the light, I stepped off the curb into traffic.

A car swerved and braked as Dani yanked me back againsther. The driver, remarkably dressed as a clown but without the red nose, shook his clown-gloved fist out the window as he sped past. We laughed. We let go. She said, "It's great to see you"; she said it like she always had. Then she walked away to be with Yasmin, and I walked away to be with David, hurrying now because I was late.

The Little Boy.

Mrs. Bea Davis walked through an enormous light-fluxing corridor of the Detroit airport, whispering to no one visible: "I love you. I love you so much." The walls of the corridor were made of glowing translucent oblongs electronically lit with color that, oblong by oblong, ignited in a forward-rolling pattern: red, purple, blue, green, and pale green. "I love you, dear," whispered Mrs. Davis. "I love you so." You didn't love hint, said the voice of her daughter Megan. You had nothing but contempt. Even when he was dying you- Canned ocean waves rolled through the corridor, swelling the colors with sound. "You don't understand," whispered Bea. The ocean retreated, taking the colors solemnly and slowly back the other way: pale green, green, blue, purple, red. Red, thought Bea. The color of anger and accident. Green: serenity and life. She stepped onto a moving rubber walkway behind a man slumping in his nun-pled suit "I love you like I loved him," she whispered. Very slightly, the rumpled man turned his head. "Unconditionally." The man sighed and turned back. A woman with a small boy pa.s.sing on the left peered at Bea curiously. Does she know me? thought Bea. "What a wonderful idea," she said out loud. "These lights, the ocean-like walking through eternity."

The woman smiled uncertainly and continued past; her little boy turned his entire torso to stare at Bea as his mother pulled him on Maybe she did know me, thought Bea. We lived here long enough. She smiled at the little boy until he turned away, a calf tethered at his mother's hips.

They had not lived in Detroit, but in the suburb of Livonia, in a neat brick house with a crab-apple tree in front of it. The tree had spreading branches that grew in luxuriant twists; in the spring it exploded with pink blossoms, and in the summer the lawn was covered with the flesh of its flowers. Megan and Susan ran through the yard with Kyle, the neighbor boy. Megan, seven, climbed the crab-apple tree, wrapping her legs around a branch and crowing for her mother to take a picture. Green, blue, purple. Red. It had not been a happy time for the family, and yet her memories of it were loaded with small pleasures. Dancing to the "Mexican Hat Dance" in the living room, the girls prancing around, and Mac swinging her in his arms, yelling, "A hundred pounds! A hundred pounds!" The willow trees on 8 Mile Road, the library with the model of Never Land, the papier-mache volcano at the Mai Kai Theater, glowing with rich colors. Kyle and Megan putting on Gilbert and Sullivan s Mikado in a neighbor's garage with the litde girls down the block-she had a picture of it in one of the photo alb.u.ms: Kyle was very das.h.i.+ng in slippers and his mother's silk robe with black dragons on it. The litde neighbor girls wore gowns with silk scarves tied around their waists. Megan, the director, wore a top hat and a mustache. Susan sat in the driveway with the other siblings and parents, her thin arms wrapped around her body, staring off into the sky.

At the end of the corridor was an escalator with people pouring onto it from all directions. Bea mounted it and stood still, while on her left people rushed facelessly past her. Going up, she felt as if she were falling but falling where?

She had just come from a visit to Megan in upstate New York, Megan was a forty-two-year-old lawyer married to a travel writer-- no children yet, but Bea hadn't given up hope entirely They had driven to Manhattan to see a play, the windows down and country music on the CD. She was at first disappointed to see that they were seated in the mezzanine, but it was all right-the actors' limbs were as subtly expressive as eyebrows or lips or the muscles of the neck. Afterward, they had dinner in a big open-faced restaurant on a cobbled street with tables spilling out, women sitting with their legs comfortably open under the tables, their bra straps showing a little and their chests s.h.i.+ning slightly in the heat. There was a huge bar with the artful names of drinks written on a board above it, and a mirror behind it, and a great languidly stirring fan on the ceiling. Young men courted girls at the bar; a small girl with one knee on a tall stool leaned across the bar to order a round of drinks, and her silvery voice carried all the way to their table. They started with french fries served in a tin cone, with mayonnaise on the side. Bea wondered aloud what it would be like to have a gla.s.s of sherry, and, Jonathan called the waiter, a grave-faced young man with an entire arm tattooed. "I like the casual air of this place," she'd said. "I like the rough napkins instead of linen."

"It's a nice place," said Megan. "Though I've been noticing there's an awful lot of really ugly people here right now."

"You think?" asked Jonathan. "You think it's changed over already?"

"Just look," said Megan. Her voice was strangely hot, the way it would get as a litde girl when she was overtired and about to get hissy. "That guy is like an anteater in leisure wear. That girl, she can't wear that dress; look at her stomach."

"You sound like Tomasina and Livia," said Bea, "at Woolworth's and the Greyhound bus terminal. 'Look at her, look at her.' " "What?" said Jonathan.

"Mom's talking about her sisters," said Megan. "They would go on purpose to places where ugly poor people would be and comment on them. We didn't come here to do that; it's not the same thing."

Not far off, thought Bea. Megan hated her aunt Livia, but here she was, saying, "Look at her." Except without Livia's lightness. It was dead serious to Megan. At some other point during dinner, she'd said to her daughter, "You've always been so beautiful," and Megan had said, "I certainly never thought that was your opinion." "How could you say that?" said Bea. And Megan was silent A woman at the table next to them turned to look at Megan, then at her. Was this woman ugly, badly dressed? Bea had no idea. The waiter came back and informed them that they were out of sherry.

She looked up and saw the woman with the little boy halfway up the escalator; the boy was gazing intently down into the corridor of light. He was six or seven years old, heavyset, with dark, glowing skin, possibly Hispanic or part black. His mouth was full and gentle, and his eyes were long-lashed and deep, with a complicated expression that was murky and fiery at the same time. The child disappeared with the movement of the escalator; a moment later, Bea stepped off the clanking stair, unknowingly buoyed by his bright face. She looked at her watch; she had a layover of an hour and a half before her flight to Chicago. In front of her was a snack shop, a bookstore, and a store that sold knickknacks, decorative scarves, hats, and perfume. Decorative scarves and hats, thought Bea. The most gallant members of the accessory family Inside, the shop gleamed with gla.s.s and halogen light and dozens of little bottles. Shallow cardboard boxes of scarves were displayed under a gla.s.s countertop with neat shelving; whimsical hats sat atop Styrofoam dummy heads. She tried on hats before a mirror in a plastic frame, and the finale from act 2 of The Mikado played in her head-she knew it from the recording Mac used to have, which had somehow disappeared after the funeral, "That looks good," said the woman behind the counter.

"Thank you," said Bea, and good feeling rose through her. Characters were threatened with boiling in oil and beheading and forced marriage-and in between, the full cast was onstage, singing with urgent joy. "As I drew my snickersnee!" sang Livia. "My snickersnee!" Ten-year-old Beatrice pretended to cower on her knees before her sister's snickersnee. Pitty-Sing, the cat, tore through the room. Tomasina whooped and forgot about the play; their mother was coming up the walk, stripping off her clothes because it was hot and she was too imperious and impatient to wait till she got through the door. Her daughters ran to the window, bursting with admiration for the long, slender limbs that were as strong and beautiful as the flowering dogwood she walked past. Thirty years later, Megan, chin up and arms outstretched, presented the little neighbor girls, who were bowing and t.i.ttering in their gowns and silk scarves. And she was strong and beautiful, too.

"Here," said the saleswoman. "This scarf has a Brazilian flavor that really works with the hat." Brazilian was a ridiculous word for the scarf, but it was arresting, with bold wavy stripes of gold and brown, and the saleswoman's brown eyes were warm and golden when Bea met them with her "Thank you."

That weird snapshot of Susan-what had she been looking at anyway? You couldn't tell from the picture. Her big gla.s.ses had caught the glare of the sun, so that in the camera's eye she was intently blind; her small body, tensile and flexible as wire, expressed buzzing inner focus. She certainly didn't seem to be looking at the play.

"You're right,'' said Bea to the lady behind the counter; "this scarf does do something for this hat."

"On you it does." The woman's hair was an ostentatious bronze; her skin was damaged and overtanned. But her jewelry was tasteful and her makeup perfect.

An old-school sales type, thought Bea approvingly. You don't expect to find that at an airport. "I'll take them both," she said.

Pleased with her purchase, she continued down the corridor toward her gate, past more gleaming eateries and shops. Her thoughts now were suffused not by The Mikado, but by the look Susan had on her face when her sister presented that childish spectacle in the garage. It occurred to her that although Susan had become many things since then, that particular look of blindness and glaring sunlit vision still described her. She was a sort of therapist, and it was part of her therapy to read people's "auras," and, by moving her hands some inches above their bodies, to ma.s.sage these auras. She read tarot cards, believed in past lives, and occasionally phrases like "astral plane" versus "physical plane" appeared in her conversation. It was nonsense, but harmless and- Should she stop and get something to eat? Here were people at an Internet cafe, humped over keyboards and dishes of fried food, typing with one hand while they gobbled with the other, writing e-mails and surfing chat rooms while televisions blared from every corner. How interesting it was to be a person who, while considering eating at the airport Internet cafe, could remember riding a mule on a mud road to get the bus to school. You used to sit in the Greyhound terminal, waiting for the bus, and except for the roar and wheeze of the buses, it was quiet and you had to really look at the people across from you. You had to feel them, and if it was hot, you had to smell them. There might be children chasing each other up and down, or men playing chess on a cardboard table set up on the sidewalk outside, or a woman holding a beautiful baby. But there was nothing to make you think you were anyplace but the Greyhound waiting room. Now people waiting to travel crouched over screens, hopping from one outrageous place to the next, and typing opinionated, angry messages-about the war in Iraq or a murder in Minneapolis or parents who were keeping their daughter alive even though she'd been in a coma for ten years-to strangers they would never see, let alone smell. Above their heads, actors silently sang and danced and fought; scenes of war and murder flashed like lightning, and heads of state moved their lips as chunks of words streamed over them. You could sit there on the physical plane, absently loading piles of fried food into your mouth while your mind disappeared through a rented computer screen and went somewhere positively astral.

No, Bea thought as she walked on. She just wanted to go to the gate. She wanted to think about riding to the school bus on her grandfather's mule, Maypo. That had happened the winter they had stayed at their grandparents' farm while their parents looked for a place to live in Chicago, and the farm was way off the main road, on a dirt path that had treacherous ice patches in the winter. Their grandfather put all three of them up on Maypo and led them down the path to where the school bus was. It was fun to sway on the hairy, humpy back, knowing that Maypo's feet were sure. Bea remembered the way the mule's heavy hooves would make blue cracks in the ice; she remembered boughs of pine brus.h.i.+ng against her body, thick with snow that fell off in clumps as she pa.s.sed.

Megan had no patience for Susan's past lives and tarot cards. She thought it was precious and self-indulgent, and Bea could see why. When Megan was fifteen and Susan thirteen, Aunt Flower, their stepgrandmother, who hated cats, told them that Grand-daddy had killed Pitty-Sings litter by putting them in a bag and swinging them against the side of the house. In fact, more than one litter had been killed, but none so brutally, nor so late in life, and Bea saw no reason for the children to hear about any of it. Susan was already crying when she came to Bea, with Megan trailing sulkily behind, upset about the kittens, too, but provoked by Susan's wild, high-pitched sobs.

"She said . . . she said that Pi tty-Sing was crying," said Susan, weeping. "She said Pitty-Sing was crying, and grabbing his pant leg, begging him to stop."

"She told us as an example of a time she had sympathy for cats," explained Megan. "Even she was sad when Granddaddy told her about it. Because of Pi tty-Sing grabbing the pant leg."

"That is cruel; it's wrong!" cried Susan. "Granddaddy is mean!" "Honey." Bea put her arm around Susan's hot back. "It's not the same as it would be now. There was no birth control for cats back then, and you couldn't keep all the kittens. You had to kill them; otherwise, they'd starve."

"That's what I told her!" said Megan. "I think it's awful too, but-*

"But like that? Bas.h.i.+ng them against the side of the house?" Susan pulled away from her mother and searched her face with wet, hysterical eyes. What was she looking for? "Something was wrong there. Something was wrong!" She turned away, her voice rising. "I hate Granddaddy, I hate him!"

"Oh shut p!" said Megan.

Bea stopped thinking for a moment and looked at the stream of faces pouring past her, young, old, middle-aged. Their expressions were tense and lax at the same time, and they moved mechanically, without awareness, focused only on getting somewhere else.

In fact, Susan had been right. Something was wrong. There were only three kittens in that litter and their-mother had told them they could each have one; she had already given each of them a particular kitten. Then they came home from school and she told them that Daddy had decided that having four cats was too much and that the kittens had been taken away. It was the same summer she had come up the walk, smiling and triumphant as she stripped off her clothes, the dogwood flowering as she came.

Here was her gate, A6. It seemed that she always departed from gates that were low alphabetically and numerically-an example of something to which Susan might attach mystical significance. She sat down with a proprietary "Oof." Well, Susan had made hlr beliefs work for her. She had made a life. She had a "partner," a woman named Julie, who managed a bookstore. Susan had worked on Bea's "aura" several times, and if the "therapy" didn't help, it was still pleasant to have her daughter's hands working above her, dose enough to feel the heat of her palms, working to give her mother healing and happiness. She took out her book-club novel- something literary from another century, the name of which she had a hard time remembering-and a newsmagazine. She looked through her purse, found her gla.s.ses, looked up, and-there he was again, the little dark-skinned boy she had seen earlier. He was singing as he fooled around on some plastic chairs, hopping neatly over each armrest, his face glowing with pleasure. Bea smiled to see him.

She put her gla.s.ses on, remembering Susan at his age, when she and Mac found her in their bedroom, leaping up and down on their big bed as if it were a trampoline, ecstatically whipping her hair about and crying, "Eeee! Eeee! Eeeeee!" Bea was about to make her get down, but before she could, Mac kicked off his shoes and climbed up onto the bed with his daughter. "Eeeee!" he yelled, jumping once, landing on his rear, and bouncing from there. Bea said, "Careful, Mac, careful!" but she was smiling. Dinner was about ready to come out of the oven; she could still remember the meaty smell of it, and the big green leaves of the bush outside pressing against the windowpane. "Daddy!" shouted Susan. "Daddy!" His s.h.i.+rt had come out of his pants, and his face was pink and joyous.

Nothing but contempt- Bea put her book down and felt her face flush. It was Megan who had contempt. Contempt for her father's sadness and his failure at medical school and his job at a pharmacy. Contempt for his rage, especially for his rage; when he lost his temper and slapped her, her blue eyes were hot with scorn. It wasn't that his violence didn't hurt her-it did. His sarcasm and ignoring hurt her, too. But in adolescence, scorn rose up from her hurt like something winged and flaming. At fourteen, she lectured Bea on s.e.xism as if her mother were a perfect idiot. When Bea drove her to a sleepover, or to buy new shoes, or any other time they were alone together, Megan would say, "It's unfair. He acts like a big baby and then he bosses you! You should stand up to him or leave!"

It was true that Bea in some small way had liked to hear her daughter say these things. It was unfair, his constant complaining, his throwing the fork across the dining table and expecting her just to pick it up, get him a new one, and act as though nothing had happened. Somebody littered the edge of the yard, and he yelled, "I'll show you littering!" and then went out and dumped a bag of potatoes in the neighbor's drive. When Bea came home from the hospital with newborn Megan, she'd come early on Monday evening instead of on Tuesday morning, because she'd been eager and Tomasina had unexpectedly been there to give her a ride. They had no phone at home, so she couldn't call ahead, and she thought she might surprise him-but when she and her newborn child arrived, young Daddy wasn't at home. He was out having drinks and dinner with Jean, a woman he worked with. Bea had waited until after he was dead to tell it: how she was there all alone with her baby and how, when he finally got back after midnight and found her there, he ran into the laundry room, taking his s.h.i.+rt off as he went, stammering nonsense about wanting to help the lady they'd hired to do the laundry. The next day, Bea had looked in the hamper and seen it: his s.h.i.+rt covered with sticky lipstick kisses.

The air filled with floating announcements directing everyone every which way: Flight 775-ready for boarding-Gate A4. Flight 83- Memphis-delayed until further notice. Cincinnati-flight- Her mother came up the walk, stripping down to her slip in the heat, flowering all around. She announced her adultery in public, in glorious secret. They didn't know until they found the love letters after she died. But looking back, it was there in her proud walk, for anyone who had eyes to see. Mac scuttled and hid, when he hadn't even succeeded at cheating!

"Jean was a smart cookie," said Bea, "and she never would've kissed him all over the s.h.i.+rt like that if she'd done anything untoward. I think she meant that as a message to me."

"That's what you think?" said Megan.

"Yes. I think he tried and she said no."

"And you're telling me you don't have contempt for him?"

"Stop it, you litde idiot! You litde-"

Aware that people were staring, the mother of the dark-skinned boy lowered her voice to a furious mutter as she dragged her child back to his seat by the crook of his elbow. Was she even his mother? She was pale, with thinning blond hair and a small mouth-on the other hand, her body was heavy like his, tall and voluptuous. Bea tried to catch the child's eye, but he was looking down, all the life gone out of his face.

"Honey," said Bea. "You don't understand. I felt sorry for him. It's different."

Megan stared, and her face grew remote.

Flight 775-find call. Bea picked up her book and remembered Prue Johannsen, the oldest member of the book club, who had twice, when she meant to say "the cemetery," said "the airport" instead. The memory gave Bea a sensation that she could not define. Prue was a beautiftd ninety-year-old woman with bright eyes and a long, still-elegant neck, sloping and gentle as a giraffe s. She was a widow and she visited her husband's grave often. "I went to the airport this afternoon," she'd say. "I think I'll have them plant some purple flowers instead of the red."

What a strange world, thought Bea. A strange, sad, glowing world. In this world, she had married a boy who courted her with a vision of the two of them traveling together, in the jungle, in the desert, in the mountains of Tibet, bringing healing to the sick and learning from life. In this world, her boy husband became a man who got up in the morning and said, "I think I'll just kill myself," and who at night threw a fork across the dining room table. It was the same world, but now he was dead and yet she was not a widow. At night, her darkness came while she lay alone watching light and shadow on the wall: streetlamp, telephone wire, moths, bits of leafy branch; sometimes a pale rectangle of light suddenly opened its eye, revealing a ghost of movement inside it as someone in the apartment across the street used the toilet or the sink.

"I feel so old and so worthless." Beautiful Prue Johannsen had said that one night after a discussion about Mrs. Dalloway. Everyone said, "No!" But they all knew what she meant.

Bea got to her feet, full of sudden energy. "You can still do good," she'd said. "Prue, you can still-" She went to a nearby kiosk attended by a long-fingered East Indian bent like a pipe-cleaner man. She bought a bottle of water and a candy bar with caramel and nuts. Instead of going directly back to her seat, she walked around the gate area and approached the little dark boy and his blond mother. The mother looked up, not unpleasantly Her eyes were deep, long-lashed, and fierce. Well, thought Bea. She is his mother after all.

"Excuse me," she said, smiling. "'You look familiar to me. Did you ever live in this area?"

"No. But my sister does."

The little boy, still looking down, b.u.mped his feet together and hummed.

"Hmmm-" Bea nervously half-laughed. "Do I look at all familiar to you?"

"I don't think so." The woman's eyes were civil, but her voice was vaguely tinged with common sarcasm.

Coa.r.s.e, thought Bea, and Un.o.bservant. "Well, I guess when you've lived as long as I have, a lot of people look familiar to you.

"I know you," said the child, still looking down. "You were in the magic cave. Downstairs."

His mother looked irritated. "The what?"

"He means the walkway connecting the terminals," said Bea. "It is like a magic cave, the way they've done it up."

At this, the boy looked up; his gaze was alive and tactile, like a baby touching your face with its hands.

"What a beautiful little boy," said Bea "And imaginative, too!"

"A beautiful little pain in the b.u.t.t, you mean." But the mother's face was grudgingly pleased. Her name was Lee Anne; her son was Michael. They had been visiting her sister, who lived in a suburb called Canton, and were now waiting for their return flight to Memphis, which had been delayed. Bea and Lee Anne talked about Canton and Livonia, where Bea s family lived; Bea described the crab-apple tree, with its hard dark fruit and soft pale flowers. While they talked, Michael walked around and around them, as if he was dying to run or dance. Could you eat the crab apples? he wanted to know. Could you throw them at people? Could you put them on the floor at night, so crooks would slip and break their b.u.t.ts?

"Michael, sit down," said Lee Anne.

He sat, and immediately began to rock and nod his head.

"Well," said Bea, "I-"

"You talk to yourself," said Michael, rocking. "In the magic tun-nel, you talk to yourself.*'

"Don't be rude!" snapped Lee Anne. She whacked her son on the head with the flat of her hand. "And quit rocking like a r.e.t.a.r.d." "It's all right," said Bea. "I probably was."

"That doesn't matter; I still don't want him being rude." She stood, looming over Bea with an air of physical dominance that was startling before Bea realized it was habitual. "Listen, could you just watch him for a minute? I want to see if I can talk to these jacka.s.ses here." She gestured at the check-in counter, where a man and a woman in short-sleeved uniforms made automaton motions.

"Certainly," said Bea. Lee Anne held her eye for a second as if to make sure of her, then went on toward the check-in counter, her hips expressing a steady, rolling force.

"She's the one who said you talk to yourself," said Michael sullenly He was still now, and very sober.

"It's okay, honey. I do talk to myself sometimes."

He raised his head and touched her again with his tactile gaze. Except this look did not have the feel of a baby's touch. It was warm and strong, curiously adult. "Who do you talk to?"

"Somebody who's gone. Somebody I used to love."

Used to. He turned away, but still she felt it coming from him, warmth as strong as the arm of a man laid across her shoulders. Feeling came up in her.

Attention: Those pa.s.sengers waitingforflight 83 to Memphis- "I talk to my father sometimes," he said. "Even though he's gone."

She started to ask where his father was and then stopped herself. Feeling came up.

-will be boarding in approximatelyjive minutes.

"My father is fighting in Iraq," said Michael. He looked at her, but his eyes did not reach out to touch her. They looked like they had when he rode above her on the escalator-deep and fiery, but murky, too.

"You must be proud," she said.

"I am proud!" His eyes were bright, too bright. He was beginning to rock. "My father is our secret weapon! He's fighting on the shoulders of giant apes! He's throwing mountains and planets!" Impulsively, Bea knelt and took the boy's shoulders to stop him from rocking. She looked into his too-bright eyes. "And he is proud of you," she said. "He knows he has a very good boy He is very proud."

"Okay, Mikey, it's time to go." Lee Anne was back, and full of business. "We're outta here." She hoisted a backpack up on a chair and slipped one arm through a strap. She glanced at Bea. "Nice talking to you." She shouldered the pack with a graceful swooping squat, then picked up a bulging canvas bag.

"Yes, you, too. And best to your husband in Iraq."

Michael shot Bea a look. Lee Anne's face darkened unreadably. "He's been telling you stories," she said. "I don't have a husband. I don't have anybody in Iraq."