The American Union Speaker Part 77

THE EMBRYO LAWYER.

OLD FICKLE--TRISTAM FICKLE.

Old F. What reputation, what honor, what profit can accrue to you from such conduct as yours? One moment you tell me you are going to become the greatest musician in the world, and straight you fill my house with fiddlers.

Tri. I am clear out of that sc.r.a.pe now, sir.

Old F. Then from a fiddler you are metamorphosed into a philosopher; and for the noise of drums, trumpets, and hautboys, you subst.i.tute a vile jargon, more unintelligible than was ever heard at the tower of Babel.

Tri. You are right, sir, I have found out that philosophy is folly; so, I have cut the philosophers of all sects, from Plato and Aristotle down to the puzzlers of modern date.

Old F. How much had I to pay the cooper, the other day, for barreling you up in a large tub, when you resolved to live like Diogenes?

Tri. You should not have paid him anything, sir, for the tub would not hold. You see the contents are run out.

Old F. No jesting, sir; this is no laughing matter. Your follies have tired me out. I verily believe you have taken the whole round of arts and science in a month, and have been of fifty different minds in half an hour.

Tri. And, by that, shown the versatility of my genius.

Old F. Don't tell me of versatility, sir. Let me see a little steadiness. You have never yet been constant to anything but extravagance.

Tri. Yes, sir, one thing more.

Old F. What is that, sir.

Tri. Affection for you. However my head may have wandered, my heart has always been constantly attached to the kindest of parents; and, from this moment, I am resolved to lay my follies aside, and pursue that line of conduct which will be most pleasing to the best of fathers and of friends.

Old F. Well said, my boy,--well said! You make me happy indeed. [patting him on the shoulder] Now, then, my dear Tristram, let me know what you really mean to do.

Tri. To study the law.

Old F. The law!

Tri. I am most resolutely bent on following that profession.

Old F. No!

Tri. Absolutely and irrevocably fixed.

Old F. Better and better. I am overjoyed. Why, 't is the very thing I wished. Now I am happy. [ Tristram makes gestures as if speaking.] See how his mind is engaged!

Tri, Gentlemen of the jury,-- Old F. Why Tristram,-- Tri. This is a cause,-- Old F. O, my dear boy! I forgive you all your tricks. I see something about you, now, that I can depend upon. [ Tristram continues making gestures.]

Tri. I am for the plaintiff in this cause,-- Old F. Bravo! bravo! excellent boy! I'll go and order your books directly.

Tri. It is done sir.

Old F. What, already!

Tri. I ordered twelve square feet of books when I first thought of embracing the arduous profession of the law.

Old F. What, do you mean to read by the foot?

Tri. By the foot, sir; that is the only way to become a solid lawyer.

Old F. Twelve square feet of learning! Well,-- Tri. I have likewise sent for a barber, Old F. What, is he to teach you to shave close?

Tri. He is to shave one half of my head, sir.

Old F. You will excuse me if I cannot perfectly understand what that has to do with the study of the law.

Tri. Did you never hear of Demosthenes, sir, the Athenian orator? He had half his head shaved, and locked himself up in a coal-cellar.

Old F. Ah! he was perfectly right to lock himself up after having undergone such an operation as that. He certainly would have made rather an odd figure abroad.

Tri. I think I see him now, awaking the dormant patriotism of his countrymen,--lightning in his eye, and thunder in his voice: he pours forth a torrent of eloquence, resistless in its force--the throne of Philip trembles while he speaks; he denounces, and indignation fills the bosom of his hearers; he exposes the impending danger, and every one sees impending ruin; he threatens the tyrant,--they grasp their swords; he calls for vengeance, their thirsty weapons glitter in the air, and thousands reverberate the cry. One soul animates the nation, and that soul is the soul of the orator.

Old F. O! what a figure he'll make in the King's Bench!

But, come, I will tell you now what my plan is, and then you will see how happily this determination of yours will further it.

You have [ Tristram makes extravagant gestures, as if speaking,]

often heard me speak of my friend Briefwit, the barrister,-- Tri. Who is against me in this cause?-- Old F. He is a most learned lawyer,-- Tri. But as I have justice on my side,-- Old F. Zounds! he does n't hear a word I say! Why, Tristram!

Tri. I beg your pardon, sir, I was prosecuting my studies.

Old F. Now, attend,-- Tri. As my learned friend observes,--Go on, sir, I am all attention.

Old F. Well, my friend the counselor,-- Tri. Say learned friend, if you please, sir. We gentlemen of the law always,-- Old F. Well, well,--my learned friend,-- Tri. A black patch!

Old F. Will you listen, and be silent?

Tri. I am as mute as a judge.

Old F. My friend, I say, has a ward, who is very handsome, and who has a very handsome fortune. She would make you a charming wife.

Tri. This is an action, Old F. Now, I have hitherto been afraid to introduce you to my friend, the barrister, because I thought your lightness and his gravity,-- Tri. Might be plaintiff and defendant.

Old F. But now you are growing serious and steady, and have resolved to pursue his profession, I will shortly bring you together; you will obtain his good opinion, and all the rest follows of course.

Tri. A verdict in my favor.

Old F. You marry and sit down, happy for life.

Tri. In the King's Bench.

Old F. Bravo! Ha, ha, ha! But now run to your study, --run to your study, my dear Tristram, and I'll go and call upon the counsellor.

Tri. I remove by habeas corpus.

Old F. Pray have the goodness to make haste, then.

[Hurrying him off.]

Tri. Gentlemen of the jury this is a cause. [Exit.]

Old F. The inimitable boy! I am now the happiest father living. What genius he has! He'll be Lord Chancellor one day or other, I dare be sworn. I am sure he has talents! O!

how I long to see him at the bar!

Allingham.

NOTES.

Page No.

3. I. BROUGHAM, (broom,) HENRY, Lord, philosopher, law-reformer, statesman, orator, and critic, was born in 1779, at Edinburgh, where he was educated at the High School and University. He united with Jeffrey and Horner in establis.h.i.+ng the "Edinburgh Review," and for nearly twenty years he was one of its most regular contributors. Having for a few years practised law at the Scottish bar, he removed to England in 1807, and entered Parliament in 1810. His long parliamentary career has been characterized as one of desultory warfare. "A great part of his life has been spent in beating down; in detecting false pretensions whether in literature or politics; in searching out the abuses of long-established inst.i.tutions; in laying open the perversions of public charities; in exposing the cruelties of the criminal code; or in rousing public attention to a world of evils resulting from the irregularities in the administration of munic.i.p.al law." The character of his eloquence is well suited to the purposes of an a.s.sailant.

"For fierce, vengeful, and irresistible a.s.sault," says John Foster, "Brougham stands the foremost man in all the world." This extract is taken from his Inaugural Discourse as Lord Rector of the university of Glasgow delivered in 1825.

4. II. RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN was born at Dublin, September, 1751. His father was Thomas Sheridan, author of a p.r.o.nouncing Dictionary, and a distinguished teacher of elocution. His career was brilliant and successful, both as a dramatist and an orator. He entered Parliament in 1780 where his first speech was a failure; and when told, at its close, by one of his disappointed friends, that he had better have stuck to his former pursuit of writing plays, he rested his head on his hand for some minutes, and then exclaimed with vehemence, "It is in me, and it shall come out of me!" And so it did. Of his speech against Hastings, on the charge of the Begums, Mr. Pitt said, "an abler speech was perhaps never delivered;"

and Mr. Fox characterized it as "the greatest that had been delivered within the memory of man." But his convivial habits betrayed him into gross intemperance, and he became bankrupt in character and health, as well as in fortune, and died on the 7th of July, 1816, at the age of sixty-four, a melancholy example of brilliant talents sacrificed to a love of display and sensual indulgence.

4. II. This is a very useful piece for practice, on account of the excellent ill.u.s.trations of emphasis and inflections which it affords. The third paragraph is a fine example of the circ.u.mflex slides.

5. III. From the speech on the Begum Charge, before the House of Lords, sitting as a High Court of Parliament, June, 1788, and, said to be the most graphic and powerful description to be found in the speeches of Sheridan.

--Oude, (ood.): Begums, Hindoo Princesses.

--Zenana. (ze-nah-nah): that part of a house in India particularly reserved for women.

6. IV. THOMAS SMITH GRIMKE was born in Charleston S. C., September 26, 1786. He was a descendant of the Huguenots. In the days of Nullification he supported the General Government. He was an eloquent advocate of the Union, and in a Fourth of July Oration at Charleston, in 1809, he graphically depicts the horrors of civil war, which must follow disunion.

He died on the 12th of Octobers 1834.

8. V. Lycian (li-she-an ): Achaean ( a-kee'-an): Hanseatic (han-se-at'-ic), from Hance (han-seh), a German word signifying "a.s.sociation for mutual support." Hamburg, Lubeck, Bremen, and Frankfort, const.i.tute the present free Hanseatic cities.

12. VIII. CHAUNCEY A. GOODRICH Occupied the chair of Rhetoric and Oratory in Yale College, from 1817 until 1839, when he was transferred to that of Pastoral Theology, which he filled for more than twenty years. His chief literary works are his "Collection of Select British Eloquence," an excellent book, and his revised and enlarged edition of "Webster's Dictionary." Mr. Webster's argument in the Dartmouth College case, was delivered in 1818 and Professor Goodrich says that he went to Was.h.i.+ngton chiefly for the sake of hearing it.

14. IX. JOSHUA QUINCY was born in 1772 and graduated at Harvard College in 1790. He was in Congress from 1805 until 1813; mayor of Boston for six years, and President of Harvard from 1829 until 1845. He died July 1, 1864. This extract is from his Centennial Address on the Two Hundredth Anniversary of the Settlement of Boston, delivered in 1830.

16 X. Bon Homme Richard: (bo nom ree'-shar'') Guerriere: (gher-re-air'').

17. XI. WILLIAM ELLERY CHANNING, grandson of William Ellery, one of the signers of the Declaration, was born at Newport, R. I., April 7, 1780. In 1798, he was graduated at Harvard, with the highest honors. For nearly forty years he was pastor of the Federal Street Church in Boston. The collection of his Works embraces six volumes. He was one of the most eloquent of American divines, and he wrote largely on war, temperance, slavery, and education. He died October 2, 1842.

22. XIV. Tyrol (tyr'-ol): Innspruk (inns'-prook): Scheldt (skelt).

23. XV. THOMAS FRANCIS MEAGHER, an Irish patriot and orator. At present a general in the United States Army, and a stanch friend of the Union.

25. XVII. HENRY GRATTAN, born at Dublin, July 3, 1746; died May 14, 1820.

He was the greatest of Irish patriots, and the greatest of Irish orators.

His forte was reasoning, but it was "logic on fire." A distinguished writer described his eloquence as a "combination of cloud, whirlwind, and flame."