Lyre and Lancet Part 18

[ADAMS _returns with_ CHECKLEY.

_Adams._ Mr. Checkley, our 'ed coachman, Mr. Undersh.e.l.l. He's coming in along with us to 'ear what you say, if you've no objections.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). I must make a friend of this coachman, or else---- (_Aloud._) I shall be charmed, Mr. Checkley. I've only a very few minutes to spare; but I'm most curious to see this horse of yours.

_Checkley._ He ain't one o' _my_ 'orses, sir. If he _'ad_ been---- But there, I'd better say nothing about it.

_Adams_ (_as he leads the way into the stables, and turns up the gas_). There, sir, that's Deerfoot over there in the loose box.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). He seems to me much like any _other_ horse! However, I can't be wrong in admiring. (_Aloud, as he inspects him, through the rails._) Ah, indeed? he _is_ worth seeing! A magnificent creature!

_Adams_ (_stripping off_ Deerfoot's _clothing_). He's a good 'orse, sir. Her ladys.h.i.+p won't trust herself on no other animal, not since she 'ad the influenzy so bad. She'd take on dreadful if I 'ad to tell her he wouldn't be fit for no more work, she would!

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_sympathetically_). I can quite imagine so. Not that he seems in any danger of _that_!

_Checkley_ (_triumphantly_). There, you 'ear that, Adams? The minute he set eyes on the 'orse!

_Adams._ Wait till Mr. Undersh.e.l.l has seen him move a bit, and see what he says _then_.

_Checkley._ If it was what _you_ think, he'd never be standing like he is now, depend upon it.

_Adams._ You _can't_ depend upon it. He 'eard us coming, and he's quite artful enough to draw his foot back for fear o' getting a knock.

(_To_ UNDERSh.e.l.l.) I've noticed him very fidgety-like on his forelegs this last day or two.

_Undersh.e.l.l._ _Have_ you, though? (_To himself._) I hope he won't be fidgety with his _hind_-legs. I shall stay outside.

_Adams._ I cooled him down with a rubub and aloes ball, and kep 'im on low diet; but he don't seem no better.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). I didn't gather the horse was unwell.

(_Aloud._) Dear me! no better? You don't say so!

_Checkley._ If you'd rubbed a little embrocation into the shoulder, you'd ha' done more good, in _my_ opinion, and it's my belief as Mr.

Undersh.e.l.l here will tell you I'm right.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). Can't afford to offend the coachman!

(_Aloud._) Well, I dare say--er--embrocation _would_ have been better.

_Adams._ Ah, that's where me and Mr. Checkley differ. According to me, it ain't to do with the shoulder at all--it's a deal lower down.... I'll 'ave him out of the box and you'll soon see what I mean.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_hastily_). Pray don't trouble on my account. I--I can see him capitally from where I am, thanks.

_Adams._ You know best, sir. Only I thought you'd be better able to form a judgment after you'd seen the way he stepped across. But if you was to come in and examine the frog?-- I don't like the look of it myself.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). I'm sure _I_ don't. I've a horror of reptiles. (_Aloud._) You're very good. I--I think I won't come in. The place must be rather _damp_, mustn't it--for that?

_Adams._ It's dry enough in 'ere, sir, as you may see; nor yet he ain't been standing about in no wet. Still, there it _is_, you see!

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). What a fool he must be not to drive it out! Of course it must annoy the horse. (_Aloud._) I don't see it; but I'm quite willing to take your word for it.

_Adams._ I don't know how you can _expect_ to see it, sir, without you look inside of the 'oof for it.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). It's not alive--it's something _inside_ the hoof. I suppose I ought to have known that. (_Aloud._) Just so; but I see no necessity for looking inside the hoof.

_Checkley._ In course he don't, or he'd ha' looked the very fust thing, with all his experience. I 'ope you're satisfied _now_, Adams?

_Adams._ I can't say as I am. I say as no man can examine a 'orse thoroughly at that distance, be he who he may. And whether I'm right or wrong, it 'ud be more of a satisfaction to me if Mr. Undersh.e.l.l was to step in and see the 'oof for himself.

_Checkley._ Well, there's sense in that, and I dessay Mr. Undersh.e.l.l won't object to obliging you that far.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_with reluctance_). Oh, with pleasure, if you make a point of it.

[_He enters the loose box delicately._

_Adams_ (_picking up one of the horse's feet_). Now, tell me how this 'ere 'oof strikes you.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). That hoof _can't_; but I'm not so sure about the others. (_Aloud, as he inspects it._) Well--er--it seems to me a very _nice_ hoof.

_Adams_ (_grimly_). I was not arsking your opinion of it as a work of _art_, sir. Do you see any narrering coming on, or do you not? That's what I should like to get out of _you_!

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). Does this man suppose I _collect_ hoofs!

However, I'm not going to commit myself. (_Aloud._) H'm--well, I--I rather agree with Mr. Checkley.

_Checkley._ I knew he would! Now you've _got_ it, Adams! _I_ can see Mr. Undersh.e.l.l knows what he's about.

_Adams_ (_persistently_). But look at this 'ere pastern. You can't deny there's puffiness there. How do you get over _that_?

_Undersh.e.l.l._ If the horse is puffy, it's _his_ business to get over it--not mine.

_Adams_ (_aggrieved_). You may think proper to treat it light, sir; but if you put your 'and down 'ere, above the coronet, you'll feel a throbbing as plain as----

_Undersh.e.l.l._ Very likely. But I don't know, really, that it would afford me any particular gratification if I _did_!

_Adams._ Well, if you don't take _my_ view, I should ha' thought as you'd want to feel the 'orse's pulse.

_Undersh.e.l.l._ You are quite mistaken. I don't. (_To himself._) Particularly as I shouldn't know where to find it. What a bore this fellow is with his horse!

_Checkley._ In course, sir, _you_ see what's running in Mr. Adams's 'ed all this time, what he's a-driving at, eh?

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). I only wish I did! This will require tact. (_Aloud._) I--I could hardly avoid seeing _that_--could I?

_Checkley._ _I_ should think not. And it stands to reason as a vet like yourself'd spot a thing like navickler fust go off.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). A vet! They've been taking me for a vet all this time! I can't have been so ignorant as I thought. I really don't like to undeceive them--they might feel annoyed. (_Aloud, knowingly._) To be sure, I--I spotted it at once.

_Adams._ He _does_ make it out navicular after all! What did I tell you, Checkley? Now p'raps you'll believe _me_!

_Checkley._ I'll be shot if that 'orse has navickler, whoever says so--there!

_Adams_ (_gloomily_). It's the 'orse 'll 'ave to be shot; worse luck!