Lyre and Lancet Part 19

I'd ha' give something if Mr. Undersh.e.l.l could ha' shown I was wrong; but there was very little doubt in _my_ mind what it was all along.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself, horrified_). I've been p.r.o.nouncing this unhappy animal's doom without knowing it! I must tone it down.

(_Aloud._) No--no, I never said he must be shot. There's no reason to despair. It--it's quite a mild form of er--clavicular--not at all infectious at present. And the horse has a splendid const.i.tution.

I--I really think he'll soon be himself again, if we only--er--leave Nature to do her work, you know.

_Adams_ (_after a prolonged whistle_). Well, if Nature ain't better up in her work than you seem to be, it's 'igh time she chucked it, and took to something else. You've a lot to learn about navicular, _you_ 'ave, if you can talk such rot as that!

[Ill.u.s.tration: "YOU'VE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT NAVICULAR, YOU 'AVE, IF YOU CAN TALK SUCH ROT AS THAT!"]

_Checkley._ Ah, I've 'ad to do with a vet or two in my time, but I'm blest if I ever come across the likes o' _you_ afore!

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). I _knew_ they'd find me out! I must pacify them. (_Aloud._) But, look here, I'm _not_ a vet. I never said I _was_. It was your mistake entirely. The fact is, my--my good men, I came down here because--well, it's unnecessary to explain now _why_ I came. But I'm most anxious to get away, and if you, my dear Mr.

Checkley, could let me have a trap to take me to Shuntingbridge to-night, I should feel extremely obliged.

[CHECKLEY _stares, deprived of speech_.

_Adams_ (_with a private wink to_ CHECKLEY). Certainly he will, sir.

I'm sure Checkley 'll feel proud to turn out, late as it is, to oblige a gentleman with your remarkable knowledge of 'orseflesh. Drive you over hisself in the broom and pair, _I_ shouldn't wonder!

_Undersh.e.l.l._ _One_ horse will be quite sufficient. Very well, then.

I'll just run up and get my portmanteau, and--and one or two things of mine, and if you will be round at the back entrance--don't trouble to drive up to the _front_ door--as soon as possible, I won't keep you waiting longer than I can help. Good evening, Mr. Adams, and many thanks. (_To himself, as he hurries back to the house._) I've got out of that rather well. Now, I've only to find my way to the Verney Chamber, see this fellow Spurrell, and get my clothes back, and then I can retreat with comfort, and even dignity! These Culverins shall learn that there is at least _one_ poet who will not put up with their insolent patronage!

_Checkley_ (_to_ ADAMS). He _has_ got a cool cheek, and no mistake!

But if he waits to be druv over to Shuntingbridge till _I_ come round for him, he'll 'ave to set on that portmanteau of his a goodish time!

_Adams._ He did you pretty brown, I must say. To 'ear you crowing over me when he was on your side. I could 'ardly keep from larfing!

_Checkley._ I see he warn't no vet long afore you, but I let it go on for the joke of it. It was rich to see you a-wanting him to feel the 'oof, and give it out navickler. Well, you got his opinion for what it was wuth, so _you're_ all right!

_Adams._ You think n.o.body knows anything about 'orses but yourself, you do; but if you're meanin' to make a story out o' this against me, why, I shall tell it _my_ way, that's all!

_Checkley._ It was you he made a fool of, not me--and I can prove it--there!

[_They dispute the point, with rising warmth, for some time._

_Adams_ (_calming down_). Well, see 'ere, Checkley, I dunno, come to think of it, as either on us 'll show up partickler smart over this 'ere job; and it strikes me we'd better both agree to keep quiet about it, eh? (CHECKLEY _acquiesces, not unwillingly_.) And I think I'll take a look in at the 'ousekeeper's-room presently, and try if I can't drop a hint to old Tredwell about that smooth-tongued chap, for it's my belief he ain't down 'ere for no good!

PART XV

TRAPPED!

_In a Gallery outside the Verney Chamber._ TIME--_About_ 10.15 P.M.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself, as he emerges from a back staircase_). I suppose this _is_ the corridor? The boy said the name of the room was painted up over the door.... Ah, there it is; and, yes, Mr. Spurrell's name on a card.... The door is ajar; he is probably waiting for me inside. I shall meet him quite temperately, treat it simply as a---- (_He enters; a waste-paper basket, containing an ingenious arrangement of liquid and solid substances, descends on his head._) What the devil do you mean, sir, by this outrageous----? All dark! n.o.body here! Is there a general conspiracy to insult me? Have I been lured up here for a brutal---- (SPURRELL _bursts in_.) Ah, _there_ you are, sir! (_With cold dignity, through the lattice-work of the basket._) Will you kindly explain what this means?

_Spurrell._ Wait till I strike a light. (_After lighting a pair of candles._) Well, sir, if _you_ don't know why you're ramping about like that under a waste-paper basket, I can hardly be expected to----

_Undersh.e.l.l._ I was determined not to remove it until somebody came in; it fell on my head the moment I entered; it contained something in a soap-dish, which has wetted my face. You may laugh, sir, but if this is a sample of your aristocratic----

_Spurrell._ If you could only see yourself! But _I_'d nothing to do with it, 'pon my word I hadn't; only just this minute got away from the hall.... _I_ know! It's that sulky young beggar, Bearpark. I remember he slipped off on some excuse or other just now. He must have come in here and fixed that affair up for me--confound him!

_Undersh.e.l.l._ I think _I_'m the person most ent.i.tled to---- But no matter; it is merely one insult more among so many. I came here, sir, for a purpose, as you are aware.

_Spurrell_ (_ruefully_). Your dress clothes? All right, you shall have them directly. I wouldn't have put 'em on if I'd known they'd be wanted so soon.

_Undersh.e.l.l._ I should have thought your own would have been more comfortable.

_Spurrell._ More comfortable! I believe you. Why, I a.s.sure you I feel like a Bath bun in a baby's sock! But how was I to know? You shouldn't leave your things about like that!

_Undersh.e.l.l._ It is usual, sir, for people to come to a place like this provided with evening clothes of their own.

_Spurrell._ I know that as well as you do. Don't you suppose I'm unacquainted with the usages of society! Why, I've stayed in boarding-houses at the seaside many a time where it was _de rigger_ to dress--even for high tea! But coming down, as I did, on business, it never entered my head that I should want my dress suit. So, when I found them all as chummy and friendly as possible, and expecting me to dine as a matter of course,--why, I can tell you I was too jolly glad to get hold of anything in the shape of a swallowtail and white choker to be over particular!

_Undersh.e.l.l._ You seem to have been more fortunate in your reception than I. But then _I_ had not the advantage of being here in a business capacity.

_Spurrell._ Well, it wasn't that altogether. You see, I'm a kind of a celebrity in my way.

_Undersh.e.l.l._ I should hardly have thought _that_ would be a recommendation here.

_Spurrell._ I was surprised myself to find what a lot they thought of it; but, bless you, they're all as civil as shopwalkers; and, as for the ladies, why, the old Countess and Lady Maisie and Lady Rhoda couldn't be more complimentary if I'd won the Victoria Cross, instead of getting a first prize for breeding and exhibiting a bull-b.i.t.c.h at Cruft's Dog show!

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_bitterly, to himself_). And this is our aristocracy!

They make a bosom friend of a breeder of dogs; and find a poet only fit to a.s.sociate with their servants! What a theme for a satirist!

(_Aloud._) I see nothing to wonder at. You possess precisely the social qualifications most likely to appeal to the leisured cla.s.s.

_Spurrell._ Oh, there's a lot of humbug in it, mind you! Most of 'em know about as much of the points of a bull as the points of a compa.s.s, only they let on to know a lot because they think it's smart. And some of 'em are after a pup from old Drummy's next litter. _I_ see through all that, you know!

_Undersh.e.l.l._ You are a cynic, I observe, sir. But possibly the nature of the business which brings you here renders them----

_Spurrell._ That's the rummest thing about it. I haven't heard a word about that yet. I'm in the veterinary profession, you know. Well, they sent for me to see some blooming horse, and never even ask me to go near it! Seems odd, don't it?

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). _I_ had to go near the blooming horse!

Now I begin to understand; the very servants did not expect to find a professional vet in any company but their own! (_Aloud._) I--I trust that the horse will not suffer through any delay.

_Spurrell._ So do I; but how do I know that some ignorant duffer mayn't be treating him for the wrong thing? It may be all up with the animal before I get a chance of seeing what I can do?

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). If he knew how near I went to getting the poor beast shot! But I needn't mention that now.

_Spurrell._ I don't say it isn't gratifying to be treated like a swell, but I've got my professional reputation to consider, you know; and if they're going to take up all my time talking about Andromeda----

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_with a start_). Andromeda! They have been talking about Andromeda? To you! Then it's _you_ who----

_Spurrell._ Haven't I been telling you? I should just jolly well think they _have_ been talking about her! So you didn't know my bull's name was Andromeda before, eh? But _you_ seem to have heard of her, too!

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_slowly_). I--I _have_ heard of Andromeda--yes.