Lyre and Lancet Part 17

_Phillipson._ Oh, it was nothing of _that_ sort, Mr. Steptoe! _I_'ve no objection to repeat what he said. He called me a little green something or other. No; he said _that_ in the train, though. But he would have it that the old cab-horse was a magic steed, and the fly an enchanted chariot; and I don't know what all. (_As n.o.body smiles._) It sounded awfully funny as _he_ said it, with his face perfectly solemn like it is now, I a.s.sure you it did!

_Steptoe_ (_patronisingly_). I can readily believe it. We shall have you contributing to some of our yumerous periodicals, Mr. Undersh.e.l.l, sir, before long. Such facetious talent is too good to be lost, it reelly is.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself, writhing_). I gave her credit for more sense. To make me publicly ridiculous like this!

[_He sulks._

_Miss Stickler_ (_to_ M. RIDEVOS, _who suddenly rises_). Mossoo, you're not _going_! Why, whatever's the matter?

_M. Ridevos._ Pairmeet zat I make my depart. I am cot at ze art.

[_General outcry and sensation._

_Mrs. Pomfret_ (_concerned_). You never mean that, Mossoo? And a nice dish of quails just put on, too, that they haven't even touched upstairs!

_M. Ridevos._ It is for zat I do not remmain! Zey 'ave not toch him; my pyramide, result of a genius stupend, enorme! to zem he is nossing; zey retturn him to crash me! To-morrow I demmand zat miladi accept my demission. _Ici je souffre trop!_

[_He leaves the room precipitately._

_Miss Stickler_ (_offering to rise_). It _does_ seem to have upset him! Shall I go after him and see if I can't bring him round?

_Mrs. Pomfret_ (_severely_). Stay where you are, Harriet; he's better left to himself. If he wasn't so wropped up in his cookery, he'd know there's always a dish as goes the round untasted, without why or wherefore. I've no _patience_ with the man!

_Tredwell_ (_philosophically_). That's the worst of 'aving to do with Frenchmen; they're so apt to beyave with a sutting childishness that--(_checking himself_)--I really ask your pardon, mamsell, I quite forgot you was of his nationality; though it ain't to be wondered at, I'm sure, for you might pa.s.s for an Englishwoman almost anywhere!

_Mlle. Chiffon._ As you for Frenchman, _hein_?

_Tredwell._ No, 'ang it _all_, mamsell, I 'ope there's no danger o'

_that_! (_To_ Miss PHILLIPSON.) Delighted to see the Countess keeps as fit as ever, Miss Phillipson! Wonderful woman for her time o' life!

Law, she _did_ give the Bishop beans at dinner, and no mistake!

_Phillipson._ Her ladys.h.i.+p is pretty generous with them to most people, Mr. Tredwell. I'm sure I'd have left her long ago, if it wasn't for Lady Maisie--who _is_ a lady, if you like!

_Tredwell._ She don't favour her ma, I will say _that_ for her. By the way, who is the party they brought down with them? a youngish looking chap--seemed a bit out of his helement, when he first come in, though he's soon got over that, judging by the way him and your Lady Rhoda, Miss Dolman, was 'obn.o.bbing together at table!

_Phillipson._ n.o.body came down with _my_ ladies; they must have met him in the bus, I expect. What is his name?

_Tredwell._ Why, he give it to me, I know, when I enounced him; but it's gone clean out of my head again. He's got the Verney Chamber, I know _that_ much; but what _was_ his name again? I shall forget my own next.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_involuntarily_). In the Verney Chamber? Then the name must be Spurrell!

_Phillipson_ (_starting_). Spurrell! Why, _I_ used to---- But of course it can't be _him_!

_Tredwell._ Spurrell _was_ the name, though. (_With a resentful glare at_ UNDERSh.e.l.l.) I don't know how _you_ came to be aware of it, sir!

_Undersh.e.l.l._ Why, the fact is, I happened to find out that--(_here he receives an admonitory drive in the back from the_ Boy)--that his name _was_ Spurrell. (_To himself._) I wish this infernal boy wouldn't be officious--but perhaps he's right!

_Tredwell._ Ho, indeed! Well, _another_ time, Mr. Hundersh.e.l.l, if you require information about parties staying with _us_, p'raps you'll be good enough to apply to me pussonally, instead of picking it up in some 'ole-and-corner fas.h.i.+on. (UNDERSh.e.l.l _controls his indignation with difficulty_.) To return to the individual in question, Miss Phillipson, I should have said myself he was something in the artistic or littery way; he suttingly didn't give me the impression of being a gentleman.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "HE SUTTINGLY DIDN'T GIVE ME THE IMPRESSION OF BEING A GENTLEMAN."]

_Phillipson_ (_to herself, relieved_). Then it _isn't_ my Jem! I might have known he wouldn't be visiting here, and carrying on with Lady Rhodas. He'd never forget himself like that--if he _has_ forgotten me!

_Steptoe._ It strikes me he's more of a sporting character, Tredwell.

I know when I was circulating with the cigarettes and so on, in the hall just now, he was telling the Captain some anecdote about an old steeplechaser that was faked up to win a selling handicap, and it tickled me to that extent I could hardly hold the spirit-lamp steady.

_Tredwell._ I may be mistook, Steptoe. All _I_ can say is, that when me and James was serving cawfy to the ladies in the drawing-room, some of them had got 'old of a little pink book all sprinkled over with silver cutlets, and, rightly _or_ wrongly, I took it to 'ave some connection with 'im.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_excitedly_). Pink and silver! Might I ask--was it a volume of poetry, called--er--_Andromeda_?

_Tredwell_ (_crus.h.i.+ngly_). That I did not take the liberty of inquiring, sir, as you might be aware if you was a little more familiar with the hetiquette of good society.

[UNDERSh.e.l.l _collapses_; Mr. ADAMS _enters, and steps into the chair vacated by the Chef, next to_ Mrs.

POMFRET, _with whom he converses_.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). To think that they may be discussing my book in the drawing-room at this very moment, while I--I---- (_He chokes._) Ah, it won't bear thinking of! I must--I _will_ get out of this accursed place! I have stood this too long as it is! But I won't go till I have seen this fellow Spurrell, and made him give me back my things. What's the time? ... ten! I can go at last. (_He rises._) Mrs.

Pomfret, will you kindly excuse me? I--I find I must go at once.

_Mrs. Pomfret._ Well, Mr. Undersh.e.l.l, sir, you're the best judge; and, if you really can't stop, this is Mr. Adams, who'll take you round to the stables himself, and do anything that's necessary. Won't you, Mr.

Adams?

_Adams._ So you're off to-night, sir, are you? Well, I'd rather ha'

shown you Deerfoot by daylight, myself; but there, I dessay that won't make much difference to _you_, so long as you _do_ see the 'orse?

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). So Deerfoot's a _horse_! One of the features of Wyvern, I suppose; they seem very anxious I shouldn't miss it. _I_ don't want to see the beast; but I dare say it won't take many minutes; and, if I don't humour this man, I shan't get a conveyance to go away in! (_Aloud._) No difference whatever--to _me_. I shall be delighted to be shown Deerfoot; only I really can't wait _much_ longer; I--I've an appointment elsewhere!

_Adams._ Right, sir; you get your 'at and coat, and come along with me, and you shall see him at once.

[UNDERSh.e.l.l _takes a hasty farewell of_ Miss PHILLIPSON _and the company generally--none of whom attempts to detain him--and follows his guide. As the door closes upon them, he hears a burst of stifled merriment, amidst which_ Miss PHILLIPSON'S _laughter is only too painfully recognisable_.

PART XIV

LE VeTeRINAIRE MALGRe LUI

_Outside the Stables at Wyvern._ TIME--_About_ 10 P.M.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself, as he follows_ ADAMS). Now is my time to arrange about getting away from here. (_To_ ADAMS.) By the bye, I suppose you can let me have a conveyance of some sort--after I've seen the horse? I--I'm rather in a hurry.

_Adams._ You'd better speak to Mr. Checkley about that, sir; it ain't in _my_ department, you see. I'll fetch him round, if you'll wait here a minute; he'd like to hear what you think about the 'orse.

[_He goes off to the coachman's quarters._

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_alone_). A very civil fellow this; he seems quite anxious to show me this animal! There must be _something_ very remarkable about it.