The Foolish Almanak - LightNovelsOnl.com
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FRIDAY
SAt.u.r.dAY
APRIL
The wind may be tempered to the shorn lamb, but the wolf gets equal benefit, just the same.
FORECAST FOR MAY
From the 1st to the 10th spring house-cleaning will take place. Look out for soft soap on the stairs. Meals will be served to gentlemen down town. There is no place like home during spring house-cleaning--this is why home is so generally avoided during that period.
From the 10th to the 20th buds will burst with deafening reports and the gra.s.s will do some fancy shooting.
From the latter date to the end of the month people will discard their woolens for pneumonia.
The zodiacal sign for May is Gemini, or twins. If you see a stork skulking about your residence, shoot it. May is an open month on storks.
[Sidenote: _Gardening Note_: If you sow wild oats you are likely to reap a crop of "tares."]
[Sidenote: _To Break a Will_--See a lawyer.]
[Sidenote: _To Break a Bill_--See a doctor.]
[Sidenote: _To Break a Till_--See a burglar.]
[Ill.u.s.tration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat off.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1906) Congress decided, after a long and heated discussion, that only filtered water should be used in the Panama Ca.n.a.l.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1906) Ruth St. Denis, bare of waist and limbs, wins approval of Boston society by outdoing Little Egypt.
THURSDAY (1906, next day) Pure-minded society people of Boston refuse to admit Maxim Gorky and his near-wife.
FRIDAY
SAt.u.r.dAY "You can fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time."
--From the Diary of &ru Carnage.
MAY
Many of Cupid's matches are scratched in the divorce court.
HELPFUL HINT FOR MAY
The careful wife and mother will find a most excellent plan for utilizing a spring bonnet of the vintage of 1906 will be to tell her husband that she will make it do another season.
Then manage to be out in the rain with it on, and with no umbrella. Further instruction is unnecessary.
TIMELY HINTS
A great many cows come in fresh in May. If you have a good calf, wear open-work hose and don't be ashamed to show it on a rainy day. Plant beans, pumpkins, and squashes about May 20th, but don't mix the seed. This is also a good month to set hens on door-k.n.o.bs, and old ink-bottles, thus playing a great joke on the hens.
[Sidenote: _Street Car Hint_: If a person walks on your right foot kick a person with your left.]
[Sidenote: LEGERDEMAIN _Note_: To make a five-dollar note look like 30 cents, blow it.]
[Ill.u.s.tration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (33 B.C.) Antony establishes a divorce colony in Egypt.
TUESDAY (1906) U.S. Senators played a farce ent.i.tled "Who's a Liar," by Pitchrake Tillman, to crowded houses.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (996) Clocks, giving good time, invented by Gebert, Benedictine monk.
(Same year) Benedictine, giving good time, invented by same monks.
SAt.u.r.dAY
