The Foolish Almanak - LightNovelsOnl.com
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TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1906) T. Roosevelt decided to write no more magazine articles, except for the Congressional Record.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1876) Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone.
(1877) American Humorists invented the telephone girl.
SAt.u.r.dAY
JUNE
Many a woman prefers a love of a hat to the love of a husband.
HOW TO PLANT A BEER GARDEN
Now is the time for the ruddy faced beer gardener to lay out his beer garden. First procure a license and a few nice rustic chairs and tables. Next extract the seeds from a couple of seedy old suits and get your wife to sew them.
Your barber will gladly supply you with cuttings, or, if you have the chance, unscrew a dozen or so bulbs from some healthy young electric light plant.
With ordinary summer weather you should soon have a blooming fine lot of Anheuser bushes. As soon as the "buds" begin to pop, pack the roots with ice. Care should be taken to keep the plants from drying out.
Bottle flies, while annoying, do no real injury to the plant, and a judicious use of fly-paper will hold them in check.
In weeding, the beer gardener should be careful to distinguish between true widow's weeds and gra.s.s widow's weeds. The latter not only add color and beauty to the garden, but also give life to the plant.
Beer was never worn so much or used so extensively for interior decoration as it is today. There is a ready market for it at five cents a small bunch, and with intelligent grafting the bearing of the plant can be increased tenfold.
[Sidenote: _THERMOMETER ECONOMY_: This is the best time to buy thermometers. They cost no more than during the winter months and contain more than twice as much mercury.]
[Ill.u.s.tration: Doth see me freckles. Look pleasant please.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (858 B.C.) Sardanapulus dies on a bier 400 feet high. Great envy among the thirsty.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY July 4th is a great day for those who love to tell us that "all men are created free and equal;" it is also a great day for other Fourth of Juliars.
FRIDAY
SAt.u.r.dAY (1839) John D. Rockefeller born.
"First in the wells, first in the pipes, first in the lamps of his countrymen."
JULY
Never look a gift mule in the hind leg.
HELPFUL HINT FOR JULY
The best authorities agree that it is inadvisable to attach a pack of lighted firecrackers to the tail of the household cat--without first making sure that the insurance policy on the house has been placed in a cold storage vault. A cat loves its favorite corner when it is mentally disquieted.
_ADVERTIs.e.m.e.nTS_
ARTISTS' MATERIALS, PAINTS, BRUSHES, ETC.
[Ill.u.s.tration]
_I GILD MY OWN BRICKS_
LITTLE GEM BRICK GILDING OUTFIT
IS A BOON TO FARMERS
Buy the Outfit and be your own Confidence Man, thus enjoying all the pleasures of being buncoed without leaving The Old Home
[Sidenote: _Carving Note_: A chicken neck served to a guest is "the most unkindest cut of all."]
[Ill.u.s.tration: Our last quarter.]
SUNDAY (1906) Lucrezia Borgia rose to a.s.sert that she never used embalmed beef at her banquets.
