Tales and Novels Volume VI Part 3

Lord Colambre, perceiving his father's embarra.s.sment, withdrew his eyes, respectfully refrained from all further inquiries, and simply repeated the a.s.surance he had made to his mother, that he would put his family to no additional expense; and that, if it was necessary, he would willingly give up half his allowance.

"Not at all, not at all, my dear boy," said his father: "I would rather cramp myself than that you should be cramped, a thousand times over. But it is all my Lady Clonbrony's nonsense. If people would but, as they ought, stay in their own country, live on their own estates, and kill their own mutton, money need never be wanting."

For killing their own mutton, Lord Colambre did not see the indispensable necessity; but he rejoiced to hear his father a.s.sert that people should reside in their own country.

"Ay," cried Lord Clonbrony, to strengthen his a.s.sertion, as he always thought it necessary to do, by quoting some other person's opinion--"so Sir Terence O'Fay always says, and that's the reason your mother can't endure poor Terry--You don't know Terry? No, you have only seen him; but, indeed, to see him is to know him; for he is the most off-hand, good fellow in Europe."

"I don't pretend to know him yet," said Lord Colambre. "I am not so presumptuous as to form my opinion at first sight."

"Oh, curse your modesty!" interrupted Lord Clonbrony; "you mean, you don't pretend to like him yet; but Terry will make you like him. I defy you not--I'll introduce you to him--him to you, I mean--most warm-hearted, generous dog upon earth--convivial--jovial--with wit and humour enough, in his own way, to split you--split me if he has not.

You need not cast down your eyes, Colambre. What's your objection?"

"I have made none, sir--but, if you urge me, I can only say, that, if he has all these good qualities, it is to be regretted that he does not look and speak a little more like a gentleman."

"A gentleman!--he is as much a gentleman as any of your formal prigs--not the exact Cambridge cut, may be--Curse your English education! 'twas none of my advice--I suppose you mean to take after your mother in the notion, that nothing can be good or genteel but what's English."

"Far from it, sir; I a.s.sure you I am as warm a friend to Ireland as your heart could wish. You will have no reason, in that respect, at least, nor, I hope, in any other, to curse my English education--and, if my grat.i.tude and affection can avail, you shall never regret the kindness and liberality with which you have, I fear, distressed yourself to afford me the means of becoming all that a British n.o.bleman ought to be."

"Gad! you distress me now," said Lord Clonbrony, "and I didn't expect it, or I wouldn't make a fool of myself this way," added he, ashamed of his emotion, and whiffling it off. "You have an Irish heart, that I see, which no education can spoil. But you must like Terry--I'll give you time, as he said to me, when first he taught me to like usquebaugh--Good morning to you."

Whilst Lady Clonbrony, in consequence of her residence in London, had become more of a fine lady, Lord Clonbrony, since he left Ireland, had become less of a gentleman. Lady Clonbrony, born an Englishwoman, disclaiming and disenc.u.mbering herself of all the Irish in town, had, by giving splendid entertainments, at an enormous expense, made her way into a certain set of fas.h.i.+onable company. But Lord Clonbrony, who was somebody in Ireland, who was a great person in Dublin, found himself n.o.body in England, a mere cipher in London. Looked down upon by the fine people with whom his lady a.s.sociated, and heartily weary of them, he retreated from them altogether, and sought entertainment and self-complacency in society beneath him, indeed, both in rank and education, but in which he had the satisfaction of feeling himself the first person in company. Of these a.s.sociates, the first in talents, and in jovial profligacy, was Sir Terence O'Fay--a man of low extraction, who had been knighted by an Irish lord-lieutenant in some convivial frolic. No one could tell a good story, or sing a good song, better than Sir Terence; he exaggerated his native brogue, and his natural propensity to blunder, caring little whether the company laughed at him or with him, provided they laughed--"Live and laugh--laugh and live," was his motto; and certainly he lived on laughing, as well as many better men can contrive to live on a thousand a-year.

Lord Clonbrony brought Sir Terence home with him next day, to introduce him to Lord Colambre; and it happened that, on this occasion, Terence appeared to peculiar disadvantage, because, like many other people, "Il gatoit l'esprit qu'il avoit, en voulant avoir celui qu'il n'avoit pas."

Having been apprised that Lord Colambre was a fine scholar, fresh from Cambridge, and being conscious of his own deficiencies of literature, instead of trusting to his natural talents, he summoned to his aid, with no small effort, all the sc.r.a.ps of learning he had acquired in early days, and even brought before the company all the G.o.ds and G.o.ddesses with whom he had formed an acquaintance at school. Though embarra.s.sed by this unusual enc.u.mbrance of learning, he endeavoured to make all subservient to his immediate design, of paying his court to Lady Clonbrony, by forwarding the object she had most anxiously in view--the match between her son and Miss Broadhurst.

"And so, Miss Nugent," said he, not daring, with all his a.s.surance, to address himself directly to Lady Clonbrony, "and so, Miss Nugent, you are going to have great doings, I'm told, and a wonderful grand gala.

There's nothing in the wide world equal to being in a good handsome crowd. No later now than the last ball at the Castle, that was before I left Dublin, Miss Nugent, the apartments, owing to the popularity of my lady lieutenant, was so throng--so throng--that I remember very well, in the doorway, a lady--and a very genteel woman she was, too--though a stranger to me, saying to me, 'Sir, your finger's in my ear.'--'I know it, madam," says I; 'but I can't take it out till the crowd give me elbow-room.'

"But it's the gala I'm thinking of now--I hear you are to have the golden Venus, my Lady Clonbrony, won't you?"

"Sir!"

This freezing monosyllable notwithstanding, Sir Terence pursued his course fluently. "The golden Venus!--sure, Miss Nugent, you that are so quick, can't but know I would apostrophize Miss Broadhurst that is--but that won't be long so, I hope. My Lord Colambre, have you seen much yet of that young lady?"

"No, sir."

"Then I hope you won't be long so. I hear great talk now of the Venus of Medici, and the Venus of this and that, with the Florence Venus, and the sable Venus, and that other Venus, that's was.h.i.+ng of her hair, and a hundred other Venuses, some good, some bad. But, be that as it will, my lord, trust a fool--ye may, when he tells you truth--the golden Venus is the only one on earth that can stand, or that will stand, through all ages and temperatures; for gold rules the court, gold rules the camp, and men below, and heaven above."

"Heaven above!--Take care, Terry! Do you know what you are saying?"

interrupted Lord Clonbrony.

"Do I?--Don't I?" replied Terry. "Deny, if you please, my lord, that it was for a golden pippin that the three G.o.ddesses _fit_--and that the _Hippomenes_ was about golden apples--and did not Hercules rob a garden for golden apples?--and did not the pious aeneas himself take a golden branch with him to make himself welcome to his father in h.e.l.l?"

said Sir Terence, winking at Lord Colambre.

"Why, Terry, you know more about books than I should have suspected,"

said Lord Clonbrony.

"Nor you would not have suspected me to have such a great acquaintance among the G.o.ddesses neither, would you, my lord? But, apropos, before we quit, of what material, think ye, was that same Venus's famous girdle, now, that made roses and lilies so quickly appear? Why, what was it but a girdle of sterling gold, I'll engage?--for gold is the only true thing for a young man to look after in a wife."

Sir Terence paused, but no applause ensued.

"Let them talk of Cupids and darts, and the mother of the Loves and Graces--Minerva may sing odes and _dythambrics_, or whatsoever her wisdoms.h.i.+p pleases. Let her sing, or let her say, she'll never get a husband, in this world or the other, without she had a good thumping _fortin_, and then she'd go off like wildfire."

"No, no, Terry, there you're out: Minerva has too bad a character for learning to be a favourite with gentlemen," said Lord Clonbrony.

"Tut--Don't tell me!--I'd get her off before you could say Jack Robinson, and thank you too, if she had 50,000_l._ down, or 1,000_l._ a-year in land. Would you have a man so d----d nice as to balk, when house and land is agoing--a going--a going!--because of the inc.u.mbrance of a little learning? But, after all, I never heard that Miss Broadhurst was any thing of a learned lady."

"Miss Broadhurst!" said Miss Nugent: "how did you get round to Miss Broadhurst?"

"Oh! by the way of Tipperary," said Lord Colambre.

"I beg your pardon, my lord, it was apropos to good fortune, which, I hope, will not be out of your way, even if you went by Tipperary.

She has, besides 100,000_l._ in the funds, a clear landed property of 10,000_l._ per annum. _Well! some people talk of morality, and some of religion, bat give me a little snug_ PROPERTY.--But, my lord, I've a little business to transact this morning, and must not be idling and indulging myself here." So, bowing to the ladies, he departed.

"Really, I am glad that man is gone," said Lady Clonbrony. "What a relief to one's ears! I am sure I wonder, my lord, how you can bear to carry that strange creature always about with you--so vulgar as he is."

"He diverts me," said Lord Clonbrony; "while many of your correct-mannered fine ladies or gentlemen put me to sleep. What signifies what accent people speak in, that have nothing to say, hey, Colambre?"

Lord Colambre, from respect to his father, did not express his opinion; but his aversion to Sir Terence O'Fay was stronger even than his mother's, though Lady Clonbrony's detestation of him was much increased by perceiving that his coa.r.s.e hints about Miss Broadhurst had operated against her favourite scheme.

The next morning, at breakfast, Lord Clonbrony talked of bringing Sir Terence with him that night to her gala--she absolutely grew pale with horror.

"Good Heavens!--Lady Langdale, Mrs. Dareville, Lady Poc.o.c.ke, Lady Chatterton, Lady D----, Lady G----, His Grace of V----; what would they think of him! And Miss Broadhurst, to see him going about with my Lord Clonbrony!"--It could not be. No--her ladys.h.i.+p made the most solemn and desperate protestation, that she would sooner give up her gala altogether--tie up the knocker--say she was sick--rather be sick, or be dead, than be obliged to have such a creature as Sir Terence O'Fay at her gala.

"Have it your own way, my dear, as you have every thing else," cried Lord Clonbrony, taking up his hat, and preparing to decamp; "but, take notice, if you won't receive him, you need not expect me. So a good morning to you, my Lady Clonbrony. You may find a worse friend in need yet, than that same Sir Terence O'Fay."

"I trust I shall never be in need, my lord," replied her ladys.h.i.+p. "It would be strange indeed if I were, with the fortune I brought."

"Oh, that fortune of hers!" cried Lord Clonbrony, stopping both his ears as he ran out of his room: "shall I never hear the end of that fortune, when I've seen the end of it long ago?"

During this matrimonial dialogue, Miss Nugent and Lord Colambre never once looked at each other. She was very diligently trying the changes that could be made in the positions of a china-mouse, a cat, a dog, a cup, and a brahmin, on the mantel-piece; Lord Colambre as diligently reading the newspaper.

"Now, my dear Colambre," said Lady Clonbrony, "put down the paper, and listen to me. Let me entreat you not to neglect Miss Broadhurst to-night, as I know that the family come here chiefly on your account."

"My dear mother, I never can neglect any one of your guests; but I shall be careful not to show any particular attention to Miss Broadhurst, for I never will pretend what I do not feel."

"But, my dear Colambre, Miss Broadhurst is every thing you could wish, except being a beauty."

"Perhaps, madam," said Lord Colambre, fixing his eyes on Miss Nugent, "you think that I can see no farther than a handsome face?"

The unconscious Grace Nugent now made a warm eulogium of Miss Broadhurst's sense, and wit, and independence of character.

"I did not know that Miss Broadhurst was a friend of yours, Miss Nugent?"

"She is, I a.s.sure you, a friend of mine; and, as a proof, I will not praise her at this moment. I will go farther still--I will promise that I never will praise her to you till you begin to praise her to me."

Lord Colambre smiled, and now listened as if he wished that she should go on speaking, even of Miss Broadhurst.