Tales and Novels Volume III Part 4

"I at first flattered myself that my lord's was not an inveterate, incurable malady: but from his obvious weakness, I might have seen that there was no hope; for cases of obstinacy are always dangerous in proportion to the weakness of the patient. My lord's case was desperate.

Kill or cure was my humane or prudent maxim. I determined to try the poison of jealousy, by way of an alterative. I had long kept it in petto as my ultimate remedy. I fixed upon a proper subject--a man with whom I thought that I could coquette to all eternity, without any danger to myself--a certain Colonel Lawless, as empty a c.o.xcomb as you would wish to see. The world, said I to myself, can never be so absurd as to suspect Lady Delacour with such a man as this, though her lord may, and will; for nothing is too absurd for him to believe. Half my theory proved just; that is saying a great deal for any theory. My lord swallowed the remedy that I had prepared for him with an avidity and a bonhommie which it did me good to behold; my remedy operated beyond my most sanguine expectations. The poor man was cured of his obstinacy, and became stark mad with jealousy. Then indeed I had some hopes of him; for a madman can be managed, a fool cannot. In a month's time I made him quite docile. With a face longer than the weeping philosopher's, he came to me one morning, and a.s.sured me, 'he would do every thing I pleased, provided I would consult my own honour and his, and give up Colonel Lawless.'

"'Give up!'--I could hardly forbear laughing at the expression. I replied, 'that as long as my lord treated me with becoming respect, I had never in thought or deed given him just cause of complaint; but that I was not a woman to be insulted, or to be kept, as I had hitherto been, in leading-strings by a husband.' My lord, flattered as I meant he should be with the idea that it was possible he should be suspected of keeping a wife in leading-strings, fell to making protestations--'He hoped his future conduct would prove,' &c. Upon this hint, I gave the reins to my imagination, and full drive I went into a fresh career of extravagance: if I were checked, it was _an insult_, and I began directly to talk of _leading-strings_. This ridiculous game I played successfully enough for some time, till at length, though naturally rather slow at calculation, he actually discovered, that if we lived at the rate of twenty thousand a-year, and had only ten thousand a-year to spend, we should in due time have nothing left. This notable discovery he communicated to me one morning, after a long preamble. When he had finished prosing, I agreed that it was demonstrably just that he should retrench _his_ expenses; but that it was equally unjust and impossible that I could make any reformation in _my_ civil list: that economy was a word which I had never heard of in my life till I married his lords.h.i.+p; that, upon second recollection, it was true I had heard of such a thing as national economy, and that it would be a very pretty, though rather hackneyed topic of declamation for a maiden speech in the House of Lords. I therefore advised him to reserve all he had to say upon the subject for the n.o.ble lord upon the woolsack; nay, I very graciously added, that upon this condition I would go to the house myself to give his arguments and eloquence a fair hearing, and that I would do my best to keep myself awake. This was all mighty playful and witty; but it happened that my Lord Delacour, who never had any great taste for wit, could not this unlucky morning at all relish it. Of course I grew angry, and reminded him, with an indelicacy which his want of generosity justified, that an heiress, who had brought a hundred thousand pounds into his family, had some right to amuse herself, and that it was not my fault if elegant amus.e.m.e.nts were more expensive than others.

"Then came a long criminating and recriminating chapter. It was, 'My lord, your Newmarket blunders'--'My lady, your cursed _theatricals_'--'My lord, I have surely a right'--and, 'My lady, I have surely as good a right.'

"But, my dear Belinda, however we might pay one another, we could not pay all the world with words. In short, after running through thousands and tens of thousands, we were actually in distress for money. Then came selling of lands, and I don't know what devices for raising money, according to the modes of lawyers and attorneys. It was quite indifferent to me how they got money, provided they did get it. By what art these gentlemen raised money, I never troubled myself to inquire; it might have been the black art, for any thing I know to the contrary. I know nothing of business. So I signed all the papers they brought to me; and I was mighty well pleased to find, that by so easy an expedient as writing 'T. C. H. Delacour,' I could command money at will. I signed, and signed, till at last I was with all due civility informed that my signature was no longer worth a farthing; and when I came to inquire into the cause of this phenomenon, I could nowise understand what my Lord Delacour's lawyer said to me: he was a prig, and I had not patience either to listen to him or to look at him. I sent for an old uncle of mine, who used to manage all my money matters before I was married: I put the uncle and the lawyer into a room, together with their parchments, to fight the matter out, or to come to a right understanding if they could. The last, it seems, was quite impossible. In the course of half an hour, out comes my uncle in such a rage! I never shall forget his face--all the bile in his body had gotten into it; he had literally no whites to his eyes. 'My dear uncle,' said I, 'what is the matter?

Why, you are absolutely gold stick in waiting.'

"'No matter what I am, child,' said the uncle; 'I'll tell you what you are, with all your wit--a dupe: 'tis a shame for a woman of your sense to be such a fool, and to know nothing of business; and if you knew nothing yourself, could not you send for me?'

"'I was too ignorant to know that I know nothing,' said I. But I will not trouble you with all the said I's and said he's. I was made to understand, that if Lord Delacour were to die the next day, I should live a beggar. Upon this I grew serious, as you may imagine. My uncle a.s.sured me that I had been grossly imposed upon by my lord and his lawyer; and that I had been swindled out of my senses, and out of my dower. I repeated all that my uncle said, very faithfully, to Lord Delacour; and all that either he or his lawyer could furnish out by way of answer was, that 'Necessity had no law.' Necessity, it must be allowed, though it might be the mother of law, was never with my lord the mother of invention. Having now found out that I had a good right to complain, I indulged myself in it most gloriously; in short, my dear, we had a comfortable family quarrel. Love quarrels are easily made up, but of money quarrels there is no end. From the moment these money quarrels commenced, I began to hate Lord Delacour; before, I had only despised him. You can have no notion to what meanness extravagance reduces men.

I have known Lord Delacour s.h.i.+rk, and look so shabby, and tell so many lies to people about a hundred guineas--a hundred guineas!--what do I say?--about twenty, ten, five! O, my dear, I cannot bear the thoughts of it!

"But I was going on to tell you, that my good uncle and all my relations quarrelled with me for having ruined myself, as they said; but I said they quarrelled with me for fear I should ask them for some of their '_vile trash_.' Accordingly, I abused and ridiculed them, one and all; and for my pains, all my acquaintance said, that 'Lady Delacour was a woman of a vast deal of spirit.'

"We were relieved from our money embarra.s.sments by the timely death of a rich n.o.bleman, to whose large estate my Lord Delacour was heir-at-law. I was intoxicated with the idle compliments of all my acquaintance, and I endeavoured to console myself for misery at home by gaiety abroad.

Ambitious of pleasing universally, I became the worst of slaves---a slave to the world. Not a moment of my time was at my own disposal--not one of my actions; I may say, not one of my thoughts was my own; I was obliged to find things 'charming' every hour, which tired me to death; and every day it was the same dull round of hypocrisy and dissipation.

You wonder to hear me speak in this manner, Belinda--but one must speak the truth sometimes; and this is what I have been saying to Harriot Freke continually, for these ten years past. Then why persist in the same kind of life? you say. Why, my dear, because I could not stop: I was fit for this kind of life and for no other: I could not be happy at _home_; for what sort of a companion could I have made of Lord Delacour?

By this time he was tired of his horse Potatoe, and his horse Highflyer, and his horse Eclipse, and Goliah, and Jenny Grey, &c.; and he had taken to hard drinking, which soon turned him, as you see, quite into a beast.

"I forgot to tell you that I had three children during the first five years of my marriage. The first was a boy: he was born dead; and my lord, and all his odious relations, laid the blame upon me, because I would not be kept prisoner half a year by an old mother of his, a vile Ca.s.sandra, who was always prophesying that my child would not be born alive. My second child was a girl; but a poor diminutive, sickly thing.

It was the fas.h.i.+on at this time for fine mothers to suckle their own children: so much the worse for the poor brats. Fine nurses never made fine children. There was a prodigious rout made about the matter; a vast deal of sentiment and sympathy, and compliments and inquiries; but after the novelty was over, I became heartily sick of the business; and at the end of about three months my poor child was sick too--I don't much like to think of it--it died. If I had put it out to nurse, I should have been thought by my friends an unnatural mother; but I should have saved its life. I should have bewailed the loss of the infant more, if Lord Delacour's relations and my own had not made such lamentations upon the occasion that I was stunned. I couldn't or wouldn't shed a tear; and I left it to the old dowager to perform in public, as she wished, the part of chief mourner, and to comfort herself in private by lifting up her hands and eyes, and railing at me as the most insensible of mothers. All this time I suffered more than she did; but that is what she shall never have the satisfaction of knowing. I determined, that if ever I had another child, I would not have the barbarity to nurse it myself.

Accordingly when my third child, a girl, was born, I sent it off immediately to the country, to a stout, healthy, broad-faced nurse, under whose care it grew and flourished; so that at three years old, when it was brought back to me, I could scarcely believe the chubby little thing was my own child. The same reasons which convinced me I ought not to nurse my own child, determined me, _a plus forte raison_, not to undertake its education. Lord Delacour could not bear the child, because it was not a boy. The girl was put under the care of a governess, who plagued my heart out with her airs and traca.s.series for three or four years; at the end of which time, as she turned out to be Lord Delacour's mistress in form, I was obliged--in form--to beg she would leave my house: and I put her pupil into better hands, I hope, at a celebrated academy for young ladies. There she will, at any rate, be better instructed than she could be at home. I beg your pardon, my dear, for this digression on nursing and schooling; but I wanted only to explain to you why it was that, when I was weary of the business, I still went on in a course of dissipation. You see I had nothing at home, either in the shape of husband or children, to engage my affections.

I believe it was this 'aching void' in my heart which made me, after looking abroad some time for a bosom friend, take such a prodigious fancy to Mrs. Freke. She was just then coming into fas.h.i.+on; she struck me, the first time I met her, as being downright ugly; but there was a wild oddity in her countenance which made one stare at her, and she was delighted to be stared at, especially by me; so we were mutually agreeable to each other--I as starer, and she as staree. Harriot Freke had, without comparison, more a.s.surance than any man or woman I ever saw; she was downright bra.s.s, but of the finest kind--Corinthian bra.s.s.

She was one of the first who brought what I call _harum scarum_ manners into fas.h.i.+on. I told you that she had a.s.surance--_impudence_ I should have called it, for no other word is strong enough. Such things as I have heard Harriot Freke say!---You will not believe it--but her conversation at first absolutely made me, like an old-fas.h.i.+oned fool, wish I had a fan to play with. But, to my astonishment, all this _took_ surprisingly with a set of fas.h.i.+onable young men. I found it necessary to _reform_ my manners. If I had not taken heart of grace, and publicly abjured the heresies of _false delicacy_, I should have been excommunicated. Lady Delacour's sprightly elegance--allow me to speak of myself in the style in which the newspaper writers talk of me--Lady Delacour's sprightly elegance was but pale, not to say _faded_ pink, compared with the scarlet of Mrs. Freke's das.h.i.+ng audacity. As my rival, she would on certain ground have beat me hollow; it was therefore good policy to make her my friend: we joined forces, and nothing could stand against us. But I have no right to give myself credit for good policy in forming this intimacy; I really followed the dictates of my heart or my imagination. There was a frankness in Harriot's manner which I mistook for artlessness of character: she spoke with such unbounded freedom on certain subjects, that I gave her credit for unbounded sincerity on all subjects: she had the talent of making the world believe _that_ virtue to be invulnerable by nature which disdained the common outworks of art for its defence. I, amongst others, took it for granted, that the woman who could make it her sport to 'touch the brink of all we hate,' must have a stronger head than other people. I have since been convinced, however, of my mistake. I am persuaded that few can touch the brink without tumbling headlong down the precipice. Don't apply this, my dear, _literally_, to the person of whom we were speaking; I am not base enough to betray her secrets, however I may have been provoked by her treachery. Of her character and history you shall hear nothing but what is necessary for my own justification. The league of amity between us was scarcely ratified before my Lord Delacour came, with his wise remonstrating face, to beg me 'to consider what was due to my own honour and his.' Like the cosmogony-man in the Vicar of Wakefield, he came out over and over with this cant phrase, which had once stood him in stead.

'Do you think, my lord,' said I, 'that because I gave up poor Lawless to oblige you, I shall give up all common sense to suit myself to your taste? Harriot Freke is visited by every body but old dowagers and old maids: I am neither an old dowager nor an old maid--the consequence is obvious, my lord.' Pertness in dialogue, my dear, often succeeds better with my lord than wit: I therefore saved the sterling gold, and bestowed upon him nothing but counters. I tell you this to save the credit of my taste and judgment.

"But to return to my friends.h.i.+p for Harriot Freke. I, of course, repeated to her every word which had pa.s.sed between my husband and me.

She out-heroded Herod upon the occasion; and laughed so much at what she called my folly in _pleading guilty_ in the Lawless cause, that I was downright ashamed of myself, and, purely to prove my innocence, I determined, upon the first convenient opportunity, to renew my intimacy with the colonel. The opportunity which I so ardently desired of redeeming my independence was not long wanting. Lawless, as my stars (which you know are always more in fault than ourselves) would have it, returned just at this time from the continent, where he had been with his regiment; he returned with a wound across his forehead and a black fillet, which made him look something more like a hero, and ten times more like a c.o.xcomb, than ever. He was in fas.h.i.+on, at all events; and amongst other ladies, Mrs. Luttridge, odious Mrs. Luttridge! smiled upon him. The colonel, however, had taste enough to know the difference between smile and smile: he laid himself and his laurels at my feet, and I carried him and them about in triumph. Wherever I went, especially to Mrs. Luttridge's, envy and scandal joined hands to attack me, and I heard wondering and whispering wherever I went. I had no object in view but to provoke my husband; therefore, conscious of the purity of my intentions, it was my delight to brave the opinion of the wondering world. I gave myself no concern about the effect my coquetry might have upon the object of this flirtation. Poor Lawless! Heart, I took it for granted, he had none; how should a c.o.xcomb come by a heart? Vanity I knew he had in abundance, but this gave me no alarm, as I thought that if it should ever make him forget him self, I mean forget what was due to me, I could, by one flash of my wit, strike him to the earth, or blast him for ever. One night we had been together at Mrs.

Luttridge's;--she, amongst other good things, kept a faro bank, and, I am convinced, cheated. Be that as it may, I lost an immensity of money, and it was my pride to lose with as much gaiety as any body else could win; so I was, or appeared to be, in uncommonly high spirits, and Lawless had his share of my good humour. We left Mrs. Luttridge's together early, about half-past one. As the colonel was going to hand me to my carriage, a smart-looking young man, as I thought, came up close to the coach door, and stared me full in the face: I was not a woman to be disconcerted at such a thing as this, but I really was startled when the young fellow jumped into the carriage after me: I thought he was mad: I had only courage enough to scream. Lawless seized hold of the intruder to drag him out, and out he dragged the youth, exclaiming, in a high tone, 'What is the meaning of all this, sir? Who the devil are you? My name's Lawless: who the devil are you?' The answer to this was a convulsion of laughter. By the laugh I knew it to be Harriot Freke. 'Who am I? only a Freke!' cried she: 'shake hands.' I gave her my hand, into the carriage she sprang, and desired the colonel to follow her: Lawless laughed, we all laughed, and drove away. 'Where do you think I've been?'

said Harriot; 'in the gallery of the House of Commons; almost squeezed to death these four hours; but I swore I'd hear Sheridan's speech to-night, and I did; betted fifty guineas I would with Mrs. Luttridge, and have won. Fun and Freke for ever, huzza!' Harriot was mad with spirits, and so noisy and unmanageable, that, as I told her, I was sure she was drunk. Lawless, in his silly way, laughed incessantly, and I was so taken up with her oddities, that, for some time, I did not perceive we were going the Lord knows where; till, at last, when the 'larum of Harriot's voice ceased for an instant, I was struck with the strange sound of the carriage. 'Where are we? not upon the stones, I'm sure,'

said I; and putting my head out of the window, I saw we were beyond the turnpike. 'The coachman's drunk as well as you, Harriot,' said I; and I was going to pull the string to stop him, but Harriot had hold of it.

'The man is going very right,' said she; 'I've told him where to go. Now don't fancy that Lawless and I are going to run away with you. All this is unnecessary now-a-days, thank G.o.d!' To this I agreed, and laughed for fear of being ridiculous. 'Guess where you are going,' said Harriot, I guessed and guessed, but could not guess right; and my merry companions were infinitely diverted with my perplexity and impatience, more especially as, I believe, in spite of all my efforts, I grew rather graver than usual. We went on to the end of Sloane-street, and quite out of town; at last we stopped. It was dark; the footman's flambeau was out; I could only just see by the lamps that we were at the door of a lone, odd-looking house. The house door opened, and an old woman appeared with a lantern in her hand.

"'Where is this farce, or freak, or whatever you call it, to end?' said I, as Harriot pulled me into the dark pa.s.sage along with her.

"Alas! my dear Belinda," said Lady Delacour, pausing, "I little foresaw where or how it was to end. But I am not come yet to the tragical part of my story, and as long as I can laugh I will. As the old woman and her miserable light went on before us, I could almost have thought of Sir Bertrand, or of some German _horrifications_; but I heard Lawless, who never could help laughing at the wrong time, bursting behind me, with a sense of his own superiority.

"'Now you will learn your destiny, Lady Delacour!' said Harriot, in a solemn tone.

"'Yes! from the celebrated Mrs. W----, the modern dealer in art magic,'

said I, laughing, 'for, now I guess whereabouts I am. Colonel Lawless's laugh broke the spell. Harriot Freke, never whilst you live expect to succeed in _the sublime_.' Harriot swore at the colonel for the veriest _spoil-sport_ she had ever seen, and she whispered to me--'The reason he laughs is because he is afraid of our suspecting the truth of him, that he believes _tout de bon_ in conjuration, and the devil, and all that.'

The old woman, whose cue I found was to be dumb, opened a door at the top of a narrow staircase, and pointing to a tall figure, completely enveloped in fur, left us to our fate. I will not trouble you with a pompous description of all the mummery of the scene, my dear, as I despair of being able to frighten you out of your wits. I should have been downright angry with Harriot Freke for bringing me to such a place, but that I knew women of the first fas.h.i.+on had been with Mrs. W---- before us--some in sober sadness, some by way of frolic. So as there was no fear of being ridiculous, there was no shame, you know, and my conscience was quite at ease. Harriot had no conscience, so she was always at ease; and never more so than in male attire, which she had been told became her particularly. She supported the character of a young rake with such spirit and _truth_, that I am sure no common conjuror could have discovered any thing feminine about her. She rattled on with a set of nonsensical questions; and among other things she asked, 'How soon will Lady Delacour marry again after her lord's death?'

"'She will never marry after her lord's death,' answered the oracle.

'Then she will marry during his lifetime,' said Harriot. 'True,'

answered the oracle. Colonel Lawless laughed; I was angry; and the colonel would have been quiet, for he was a gentleman, but there was no such thing as managing Mrs. Freke, who, though she had laid aside the modesty of her own s.e.x, had not acquired the decency of the other. 'Who is to be Lady Delacour's second husband?' cried she; 'you'll not offend any of the present company by naming the man.' 'Her second husband I cannot name,' replied the oracle, 'but let her beware of a Lawless lover.' Mrs. Freke and Colonel Lawless, encouraged by her, triumphed over me without mercy--I may say, without shame! Well, my dear, I am in a hurry to have done with all this: though I '_doted upon folly_,' yet I was terrified at the thoughts of any thing worse. The idea of a divorce, the public brand of a shameful life, shocked me in spite of all my real and all my a.s.sumed levity. O that I had, at this instant, dared to _be myself_! But my fear of ridicule was greater than my fear of vice.

'Bless me, my dear Lady Delacour,' whispered Harriot, as we left this house, 'what can make you in such a desperate hurry to get home? You gape and fidget: one would think you had never sat up a night before in your life. I verily believe you are afraid to trust yourself with us.

Which of us are you afraid of, Lawless, or me, or _yourself_?' There was a tone of contempt in the last words which piqued me to the quick; and however strange it may seem, I was now anxious only to convince Harriot that I was not afraid of myself. False shame made me act as if I had no shame. You would not suspect me of knowing any thing of false shame, but depend upon it, my dear, many, who appear to have as much a.s.surance as I have, are secretly its slaves. I moralize, because I am come to a part of my story which I should almost be glad to omit; but I promised you that there should be no sins of omission. It was light, but not broad daylight, when we got to Knightsbridge. Lawless, encouraged (for I cannot deny it) by the levity of my manner, as well as of Harriot's, was in higher and more familiar spirits than I ever saw him. Mrs.

Freke desired me to set her down at her sister's, who lived in Grosvenor-place: I did so, and I beg you to believe that I was in an agony, to get rid of my colonel at the same time; but you know I could not, before Harriot Freke, absolutely say to him, 'Get out!' Indeed, to tell things as they were, it was scarcely possible to guess by my manner that I was under any anxiety, I acted my part so well, or so ill. As Harriot Freke jumped out of the coach, a c.o.c.k crowed in the area of her sister's house: 'There!' cried Harriot, 'do you hear the c.o.c.k crow, Lady Delacour? Now it's to be hoped your fear of goblins is over, else I would not be so cruel as to leave the pretty dear all alone.' 'All alone!' answered I: 'your friend the colonel Is much obliged to you for making n.o.body of him.' 'My friend the colonel,' whispered Harriot, leaning with her bold masculine arms on the coach door--'my friend the colonel is much obliged to me, I'm sure, for remembering what the cunning or the knowing woman told us just now: so when I said I left you alone, I was not guilty of a bull, was I?' I had the grace to be heartily ashamed of this speech, and called out, in utter confusion, 'To Berkley-square. But where shall I set you down, colonel? Harriot, good morning: don't forget you are in man's clothes.' I did not dare to repeat the question of 'where shall I set you down, colonel?' at this instant, because Harriot gave me such an arch, sneering look, as much as to say, 'Still afraid of yourself!' We drove on: I'm persuaded that the confusion which, in spite of all my efforts, broke through my affected levity, encouraged Lawless, who was naturally a c.o.xcomb and a fool, to believe that I was actually his, else he never could have been so insolent. In short, my dear, before we had got through the turnpike gate, I was downright obliged to say to him, 'Get out!' which I did with a degree of indignation that quite astonished him. He muttered something about ladies knowing their minds; and I own, though I went off with flying colours, I secretly blamed myself as much as I did him, and I blamed Harriot more than I did either. I sent for her the next day, as soon as I could, to consult her. She expressed such astonishment, and so much concern at this catastrophe of our night's frolic, and blamed herself with so many oaths, and execrated Lawless for a c.o.xcomb, so much to the ease and satisfaction of my conscience, that I was confirmed in my good opinion of her, and indeed felt for her the most lively affection and esteem; for observe, with me esteem ever followed affection, instead of affection following esteem. Woe be to all who in morals preposterously put the cart before the horse! But to proceed with my history: all fas.h.i.+onable historians stop to make reflections, supposing that no one else can have the sense to make any. My _esteemed_ friend agreed with me that it would be best for all parties concerned to hush up this business; that as Lawless was going out of town in a few days, to be elected for a borough, we should get rid of him in the best way possible, without 'more last words;' that he had been punished sufficiently on the spot, and that to punish twice for the same offence, once in private and once in public, would be contrary to the laws of Englishmen and Englishwomen, and in my case would be contrary to the evident dictates of prudence, because I could not complain without calling upon Lord Delacour to call Lawless out; this I could not do without acknowledging that his lords.h.i.+p had been in the right, in warning me about his _honour and my own_, which old phrase I dreaded to hear for the ninety-ninth time: besides, Lord Delacour was the last man in the world I should have chosen for my knight, though unluckily he was my lord; besides, all things considered, I thought the whole story might not tell so well in the world for me, tell it which way I would: we therefore agreed that it would be most expedient to hold our tongues. We took it for granted that Lawless would hold his, and as for my people, they knew nothing, I thought, or if they did, I was sure of them. How the thing got abroad I could not at the time conceive, though now I am well acquainted with the baseness and treachery of the woman I called my friend. The affair was known and talked of every where the next day, and the story was told especially at odious Mrs. Luttridge's, with such exaggerations as drove me almost mad. I was enraged, inconceivably enraged with Lawless, from whom I imagined the reports originated.

"I was venting my indignation against him in a room full of company, where I had just made my story good, when a gentleman, to whom I was a stranger, came in breathless, with the news that Colonel Lawless was killed in a duel by Lord Delacour; that they were carrying him home to his mother's, and that the body was just going by the door. The company all crowded to the windows immediately, and I was left standing alone till I could stand no longer. What was said or done after this I do not remember; I only know that when I came to myself, the most dreadful sensation I ever experienced was the certainty that I had the blood of a fellow-creature to answer for.--I wonder," said Lady Delacour, breaking off at this part of her history, and rising suddenly, "I wonder what is become of Marriott!--surely it is time for me to have my drops.

Miss Portman, have the goodness to ring, for I _must_ have something immediately." Belinda was terrified at the wildness of her manner. Lady Delacour became more composed, or put more constraint upon herself, at the sight of Marriott. Marriott brought from the closet in her lady's room the drops, which Lady Delacour swallowed with precipitation. Then she ordered coffee, and afterward cha.s.se-cafe, and at last, turning to Belinda, with a forced smile, she said--

"Now shall the Princess Scheherazade go on with her story?"

CHAPTER IV.

LADY DELACOUR'S HISTORY CONTINUED.

"I Left off with the true skill of a good story-teller, at the most interesting part--a duel; and yet duels are so common now that they are really vulgar incidents.

"But we think that a duel concerning ourselves must be more extraordinary than any other. We hear of men being shot in duels about nothing every day, so it is really a weakness in me to think so much about poor Lawless's death, as Harriot Freke said to me at the time. She expected to see me show sorrow in _public_; but very fortunately for me, she roused my pride, which was always stronger than my reason; and I behaved myself upon the occasion as became a fine lady. There were some things, however, I could hardly stand. You must know that Lawless, fool and c.o.xcomb as he was, had some magnanimity, and showed it--as some people do from whom it is least expected--on his death-bed. The last words he said were, 'Lady Delacour is innocent--I charge you, don't prosecute Lord Delacour.' This he said to his mother, who, to complete my misery, is one of the most respectable women in England, and was most desperately fond of Lawless, who was an only son. She never has recovered his loss. Do you remember asking me who a tall elderly lady in mourning was, that you saw getting into her carriage one day, at South Audley-street chapel, as we pa.s.sed by in our way to the park? That was Lady Lawless: I believe I didn't answer you at the time. I meet her every now and then--to me a spectre of dismay. But, as Harriot Freke said, certainly such a man as poor Lawless was a useless being in society, however he may be regretted by a doting mother. We should see things in a philosophical light, if we can. I should not have suffered half as much as I did if he had been a man of a stronger understanding; but he was a poor, vain, weak creature, that I actually drew on and duped with my own coquetry, whilst all the time I was endeavouring only to plague Lord Delacour. I was punished enough by the airs his lords.h.i.+p doubly gave himself, upon the strength of his valour and his judgment--they roused me completely; and I blamed him with all my might, and got an enormous party of my friends, I mean my acquaintance, to run him down full cry, for having fought for me. It was absurd--it was rash--it was want of proper confidence in his wife; _thus we_ said. Lord Delacour had his partisans, it is true; amongst whom the loudest was odious Mrs. Luttridge. I embraced the first opportunity I met with of retaliation. You must know that Mrs. Luttridge, besides being a great faro-player, was a great dabbler in politics; for she was almost as fond of power as of money: she talked loud and fluently, and had, somehow or other, partly by intriguing, partly by relations.h.i.+p, connected herself with some of the leading men in parliament. There was to be a contested election in our country: Mr. Luttridge had a good estate there next to Lord Delacour's, and being of an ancient family, and keeping a good table, the Luttridges were popular enough. At the first news of an election, out comes a flaming advertis.e.m.e.nt from Mr. Luttridge; away posted Mrs. Luttridge to begin her canva.s.s, and away posted Lady Delacour after her, to canva.s.s for a cousin of Harriot Freke. This was a new scene for me; but I piqued myself on the versatility of my talents, and I laid myself out in please all the squires, and, what was more difficult, all the squires' ladies, in ----s.h.i.+re. I was ambitious to have it said of me, 'that I was the finest figure that ever appeared upon a canva.s.s.' O, ye ----s.h.i.+reians, how hard did I work to obtain your praise! All that the combined force of vanity and hatred could inspire I performed, and with success. You have but little curiosity, I presume, to know how many hogsheads of port went down the throat of John Bull, or how many hecatombs were offered up to the genius of English liberty. My hatred to Mrs. Luttridge was, of course, called love of my country. Lady Delacour was deified by all _true_ patriots; and, luckily, a handsome legacy left me for my spirit, by an uncle who died six weeks before the election, enabled us to sustain the expense of my apotheosis. The day of election came; Harriot Freke and I mad our appearance on the hustings, dressed in splendid party uniforms; and before us our knights and squires held two enormous panniers full of ribands and c.o.c.kades, which we distributed with a grace that won all hearts, if not all votes Mrs.

Luttridge thought the panniers would carry the election; and forthwith she sent off an express for a pair of panniers twice as large as ours. I took out my pencil, and drew a caricature of _the a.s.s and her panniers_; wrote an epigram at the bottom of it; and the epigram and the caricature were soon in the hands of half ----s.h.i.+re. The verses were as bad as impromptus usually are, and the drawing was not much better than the writing; but the _good-will_ of the critics supplied all my deficiencies; and never was more praise bestowed upon the pen of Burke, or the pencil of Reynolds, than was lavished upon me by my honest friends. My dear Belinda, if you will not quarrel with the quality, you may have what quant.i.ty of praise you please. Mrs. Luttridge, as I hoped and expected, was beyond measure enraged at the sight of the caricature and epigram. She was, besides being a gamester and a politician--what do you think?--an excellent shot! She wished, she said, to be a man, that she might be qualified to take proper notice of my conduct. The same kind friends who showed her my epigram repeated to me her observation upon it. Harriot Freke was at my elbow, and offered to take any _message_ I might think proper to Mrs. Luttridge. I scarcely thought her in earnest till she added, that the only way left now-a-days for a woman to distinguish herself was by spirit; as every thing else was grown 'cheap and vulgar in the eyes of men;' that she knew one of the cleverest young men in England, and a man of fas.h.i.+on into the bargain, who was just going to publish a treatise 'upon the Propriety and Necessity of Female Duelling;' and that he had demonstrated, beyond a possibility of doubt, that civilized society could not exist half a century longer without this necessary improvement. I had prodigious deference for the masculine superiority, as I thought it, of Harriot's understanding. She was a philosopher, and a fine lady--I was only a fine lady; I had never fired a pistol in my life, and I was a little inclined to cowardice; but Harriot offered to bet any wager upon the steadiness of my hand, and a.s.sured me that I should charm all beholders in male attire. In short, as my second, if I would furnish her with proper credentials, she swore she would undertake to furnish me with clothes, and pistols, and courage, and every thing I wanted. I sat down to pen my challenge. When I was writing it, my hand did not tremble _much_--not more than my Lord Delacour's always does. The challenge was very prettily worded: I believe I can repeat it.

"'Lady Delacour presents her compliments to Mrs. Luttridge--she is informed that Mrs. L---- wishes she were a man, that she might be qualified to take _proper_ notice of Lady D----'s conduct. Lady Delacour begs leave to a.s.sure Mrs. Luttridge, that though she has the misfortune to be a woman, she is willing to account for her conduct in any manner Mrs. L---- may think proper, and at any hour and place she may appoint.

Lady D---- leaves the choice of the weapons to Mrs. L----. Mrs. II.

Freke, who has the honour of presenting this note, is Lady Delacour's _friend_ upon this occasion.'

"I cannot repeat Mrs. Luttridge's answer; all I know is, it was not half as neatly worded as my note; but the essential part of it was, that she accepted my challenge _with pleasure_, and should do herself the honour of meeting me at six o'clock the next morning; that Miss Honour O'Grady would be her _friend_ upon the occasion; and that pistols were the weapons she preferred. The place of appointment was behind an old barn, about two miles from the town of ----. The hour was fixed to be early in the morning, to prevent all probability of interruption. In the evening, Harriot and I rode to the ground. There were several bullets sticking in the posts of the barn: this was the place where Mrs. Luttridge had been accustomed to exercise herself in firing at a mark. I own my courage 'oozed out' a little at this sight. The Duke de la Rochefoucault, I believe, said truly, that 'many would be cowards if they dared.' There seemed to me to be no physical and less moral necessity for my fighting this duel; but I did not venture to reason on a point of honour with my spirited second. I bravadoed to Harriot most magnanimously; but at night, when Marriott was undressing me, I could not forbear giving her a hint, which I thought might tend to preserve the king's peace, and the peace of the county. I went to the ground in the morning in good spirits, and with a safe conscience. Harriot was in admiration of my 'lion-port;' and, to do her justice, she conducted herself with great coolness upon the occasion; but then it may be observed, that it was I who was to stand fire, and not she. I thought of poor Lawless a billion of times, at least, as we were going to the ground; and I had my presentiments, and my confused notions of poetic justice: but poetic justice, and all other sorts of justice, went clear out of my head, when I saw my antagonist and her friend, actually pistol in hand, waiting for us; they were both in men's clothes. I secretly called upon the name of Marriott with fervency, and I looked round with more anxiety than ever Bluebeard's wife, or 'Anne, sister Anne!' looked to see if any body was coming: nothing was to be seen but the gra.s.s blown by the wind--no Marriott to throw herself _toute eploree_ between the combatants--no peace-officers to bind us over to our good behaviour--no deliverance at hand; and Mrs. Luttridge, by all the laws of honour, as challenged, was to have the first shot. Oh, those laws of honour! I was upon the point of making an apology, in spite of them all, when, to my inexpressible joy, I was relieved from the dreadful alternative of being shot through the head, or of becoming a laughing-stock for life, by an incident, less heroic, I'll grant you, than opportune. But you shall have the whole scene, as well as I can recollect it; _as well_--for those who for the first time go into a field of battle do not, as I am credibly informed and internally persuaded, always find the clearness of their memories improved by the novelty of their situation. Mrs. Luttridge, when we came up, was leaning, with a truly martial negligence, against the wall of the barn, with her pistol, as I told you, in her hand. She spoke not a word; but her second, Miss Honour O'Grady, advanced towards us immediately, and, taking off her hat very manfully, addressed herself to my second--'Mistress Harriot Freke, I presume, if I mistake not.'

Harriot bowed slightly, and answered, 'Miss Honour O'Grady, I presume, if I mistake not.' 'The same, at your service,' replied Miss Honour.

'I have a few words to suggest that may save a great deal of noise, and bloodshed, and ill-will.' 'As to noise,' said Harriot, 'it is a thing in which I delight, therefore I beg that mayn't be spared on my account; as to bloodshed, I beg that may not be spared on Lady Delacour's account, for her honour, I am sure, is dearer to her than her blood; and, as to ill-will, I should be concerned to have that saved on Mrs. Luttridge's account, as we all know it is a thing in which she delights, even more than I do in noise, or Lady Delacour in blood: but pray proceed, Miss Honour O'Grady; you have a few words to suggest.' 'Yes, I would willingly observe, as it is my duty to my _princ.i.p.al_,' said Honour, 'that one who is compelled to fire her pistol with her left hand, though ever so good a shot _naturally_, is by no means on a footing with one who has the advantage of her light hand.' Harriot rubbed my pistol with the sleeve of her coat, and I, recovering my wit with my hopes of being witty with impunity, answered, 'Unquestionably, left-handed wisdom and left-handed courage are neither of them the very best of their kinds; but we must content ourselves with them _if_ we can have no other.'

'That _if_,' cried Honour O'Grady, 'is not, like most of the family of the _ifs_, a peace-maker. My Lady Delacour, I was going to observe that my princ.i.p.al has met with an unfortunate accident, in the shape of a whitlow on the fore-finger of her right hand, which incapacitates her from drawing a trigger; but I am at your service, ladies, either of you, that can't put up with a disappointment with good humour.' I never, during the whole course of my existence, was more disposed to bear a disappointment with good humour, to prove that I was incapable of bearing malice; and to oblige the seconds, for form's sake, I agreed that we should take our ground, and fire our pistols into the air. Mrs.

Luttridge, with her left-handed wisdom, fired first; and I, with great magnanimity, followed her example. I must do my adversary's second, Miss Honour O'Grady, the justice to observe, that in this whole affair she conducted herself not only with the spirit, but with the good-nature and generosity characteristic of her nation. We met enemies, and parted friends.

"Life is a tragicomedy! Though the critics will allow of no such thing in their books, it is a true representation of what pa.s.ses in the world; and of all lives mine has been the most grotesque mixture, or alternation, I should say, of tragedy and comedy. All this is apropos to something I have not told you yet. This comic duel ended tragically for me. 'How?' you say. Why, 'tis clear that I was not shot through the head; but it would have been better, a hundred times better for me, if I had; I should have been spared, in this life at least, the torments of the d.a.m.ned. I was not used to priming and loading: my pistol was overcharged: when I fired, it recoiled, and I received a blow on my breast, the consequences of which you have seen.

"The pain was nothing at the moment compared with what I have since experienced: but I will not complain till I cannot avoid it. I had not, at the time I received the blow, much leisure for lamentation; for I had scarcely discharged my pistol when we heard a loud shout on the other side of the barn, and a crowd of town's people, country people, and haymakers, came pouring down the lane towards us, with rakes and pitchforks in their hands. An English mob is really a formidable thing.

Marriott had mismanaged her business most strangely: she had, indeed, spread a report of a duel--a female duel; but the untutored sense of propriety amongst these rustics was so shocked at the idea of a duel fought by women in _men's clothes_, that I verily believe they would have thrown us into the river with all their hearts. Stupid blockheads!

I am convinced that they would not have been half so much scandalized if we had boxed in petticoats. The want of these petticoats had nearly proved our destruction, or at least our disgrace: a peeress after being ducked, could never have held her head above water again with any grace.

The mob had just closed round us, crying, 'Shame! shame! shame!--duck 'em--duck 'em--gentle or simple--duck 'em--duck 'em'--when their attention was suddenly turned towards a person who was driving up the lane a large herd of squeaking, grunting pigs. The person was clad in splendid regimentals, and he was armed with a long pole, to the end of which hung a bladder, and his pigs were frightened, and they ran squeaking from one side of the road to the other; and the pig-driver in regimentals, in the midst of the noise, could not without difficulty make his voice heard; but at last he was understood to say, that a bet of a hundred guineas depended upon his being able to keep these pigs ahead of a flock of turkeys that were following them; and he begged the mob to give him and his pigs fair play. At the news of this wager, and at the sight of the gentleman turned pig-driver, the mob were in raptures; and at the sound of his voice, Harriot Freke immediately exclaimed, 'Clarence Hervey! by all that's lucky!'"

"Clarence Hervey!" interrupted Belinda. "Clarence Hervey, my dear,"

said Lady Delacour, coolly: "he can do every thing, you know, even drive pigs, better than any body else!--but let me go on.

"Harriot Freke shouted in a stentorian voice, which actually made your pig-driver start: she explained to him in French our distress, and the cause of it, Clarence was, as I suppose you have discovered long ago, 'that cleverest young man in England who had written on the propriety and necessity of female duelling.' He answered Harriot in French--'To attempt your rescue by force would be vain; but I will do better, I will make a diversion in your favour.' Immediately our hero, addressing himself to the st.u.r.dy fellow who held me in custody, exclaimed, 'Huzza, my boys! Old England for ever! Yonder comes a Frenchman with a flock of turkeys. My pigs will beat them, for a hundred guineas. Old England for ever, huzza!'

"As he spoke, the French officer, with whom Clarence Hervey had laid the wager, appeared at the turn of the lane--his turkeys half flying--half hobbling up the road before him. The Frenchman waved a red streamer over the heads of his flock--Clarence shook a pole, from the top of which hung a bladder full of beans. The pigs grunted, the turkeys gobbled, and the mob shouted: eager for the fame of Old England, the crowd followed Clarence with loud acclamations. The French officer was followed with groans and hisses. So great was the confusion, and so great the zeal of the patriots, that even the pleasure of ducking the female duellists was forgotten in the general enthusiasm. All eyes and all hearts were intent upon the race; and now the turkeys got foremost, and now the pigs. But when we came within sight of the horsepond, I heard one man cry, 'Don't forget the ducking.' How I trembled! but our knight shouted to his followers--'For the love of Old England, my brave boys, keep between my pigs and the pond:--if our pigs see the water, they'll run to it, and England's undone.'

"The whole fury of the mob was by this speech conducted away from us.

'On, on, my boys, into town, to the market-place: whoever gains the market-place first wins the day.' Our general shook the rattling bladder in triumph over the heads of 'the swinish mult.i.tude,' and we followed in perfect security in his train into the town.

"Men, women, and children, crowded to the windows and doors. 'Retreat into the first place you can,' whispered Clarence to us: we were close to him. Harriot Freke pushed her way into a milliner's shop: I could not get in after her, for a frightened pig turned back suddenly, and almost threw me down. Clarence Hervey caught me, and favoured my retreat into the shop. But poor Clarence lost his bet by his gallantry. Whilst he was manoeuvring in my favour, the turkeys got several yards ahead of the pigs, and reaching the market-place first, won the race.