The Internet Is A Playground Part 16

From: Helen Bailey Helen Bailey Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1:46 p.m. Friday 22 May 2009 1:46 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

h.e.l.lo David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2:18 p.m. Friday 22 May 2009 2:18 p.m.

To: Helen Bailey Helen Bailey Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David From: Helen Bailey Helen Bailey Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4:06 p.m. Friday 22 May 2009 4:06 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the Strata Residency Agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5:02 p.m. Friday 22 May 2009 5:02 p.m.

To: Helen Bailey Helen Bailey Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon, so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best, as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats, anyway.

Regards, David From: Helen Bailey Helen Bailey Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9:22 a.m. Monday 25 May 2009 9:22 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

h.e.l.lo, my name is Lucius, and I'd like you to sign here, please I am probably the best courier in the world. If you have a box and you want it to go somewhere, I will come and get it and take it there instead of you having to do it yourself. You have to pay me to do it, but it saves you time, so it is worth it. It doesn't matter what kind of box-once I delivered a box full of bolts, which was really heavy. I am very strong, though. They were saying, "Wow, that box looks heavy," and I replied, "No, it's light for me."

PICKUP & DELIVERY LOG 8:30 a.m.

The first pickup and delivery of the day is always the best. When I am driving to collect the first box of the day, I try to guess what color it will be and what will be in it. If the tape on the box is the kind you can lift and put back, I have a look. Sometimes there is food in there. I don't eat it, though, as that would be against the Courier Code. Once, there was a whole box of sandwiches to be delivered to a work function, and they wouldn't have noticed if I had eaten one, but I didn't. I took a little bite out of each one, but that is allowed.

9:45 a.m.

YES! It was a brown box! I knew it would be a brown box. I have definitely got psychotic powers. I have guessed the box would be brown eight hundred and forty times in a row, which proves my powers are probably the most powerful in the world. I have to keep my powers a secret, though, as the government would want to control someone as powerful as I probably am. I would have to live my life on the run, never settling down in one place for long. The government would probably hunt me down and fifty of them would point their guns at me, and I would concentrate, and the guns would float up in the air or turn into sticks, and the men would say, "He is more powerful than we thought possible." I pulled up around the corner to have a look inside the box, but it was just books, which was disappointing.

10:30 a.m.

I delivered the box, and the girl in the front foyer signed and printed her name. Her name is Kate, and I could tell by the s.e.xy way she signed that she thought I was one of the top five best lookingest guys in Adelaide and wished I were her boyfriend. I was telling her about my psychotic powers and was going to ask her out, but she said she was really busy and had to get back to work. I will see her again later today, though, as they are regular clients. I will write her a poem during my lunch break. On the way out the door I took a couple of photos of her on my camera phone. She looks a bit surprised in the first photo and blurry in the second, as she was getting out of her chair as the door closed. I will use the flash next time. It is somewhere in Settings. When anyone has a problem with their phone they always get me to fix it because I am like a computer genius. I am probably the biggest computer genius in the world; I just can't be bothered learning all that stuff.

11:15 a.m.

Stuck in traffic on my way to the next box pickup. I feel it might be brown. I like to listen to music while I am waiting and have all the best alb.u.ms recorded onto TDK Ca.s.sette, including Arrival, Super Trouper, Arrival, Super Trouper, and and Warterloo. Warterloo. When I make the final payment on my delivery van in fourteen years, I am going to have a CD player installed. I saw them at Kmart for only $49.95, so am saving for one. When I am waiting in traffic I turn the music up as loud as it will go, and all the rattles in the van vibrate along to it; it is like my van is dancing. Sometimes I become lost in the beat and imagine that I am Paula Abdul, dancing with the cartoon cat on the stairs in that music clip where she dances with the cartoon cat on the stairs. I am also probably one of the best singers in the world, and when my friend Jedd is in the van, I say to him, "Make me that beat already so I can destroy it with my unstoppable flows," and he does. When I make the final payment on my delivery van in fourteen years, I am going to have a CD player installed. I saw them at Kmart for only $49.95, so am saving for one. When I am waiting in traffic I turn the music up as loud as it will go, and all the rattles in the van vibrate along to it; it is like my van is dancing. Sometimes I become lost in the beat and imagine that I am Paula Abdul, dancing with the cartoon cat on the stairs in that music clip where she dances with the cartoon cat on the stairs. I am also probably one of the best singers in the world, and when my friend Jedd is in the van, I say to him, "Make me that beat already so I can destroy it with my unstoppable flows," and he does.

12:45 p.m.

Eight hundred and forty-one! It is a big box too. Priority pickup from one hospital to another. I should not have looked inside that one. I will deliver it after I finish my lunch break and sponge wash. I always keep a wet sponge in the back, and I park the van, undress, and sponge myself down so that I am clean and refreshed for the rest of the day. I stopped off at Target and bought cologne and a suit I am going to wear for Kate. I have also written her a poem: "Kate" By Lucius By Lucius I delivered you a box today It was brown with clear tape wrapped around it.

I am in the back of my van looking at photos of you Imagining you opening the box Wondering what is in it, because I didn't look.

The tape was like that when I picked it up.

3:20 p.m.

I have just left the hospital; they were quite rude. A nurse said that she was going to ring my boss, and I told her, "He might be the boss of me, but I am the boss of my life," which was obviously too philosophical for her, because she just stood there looking at me. She was completely p.o.r.ned. If I were a Transformer she would be so sorry. I took a whole bunch of latex gloves while she was not looking and am on my way to pick up a box to be delivered to the company that Kate works for. I have a strong feeling that this box will be brown, and I will drive really fast to get it to her quickly so she sees how professional and efficient I am. I am probably the best driver in the world, and if I were a racing car driver I would be world champion.

3:50 p.m.

Eight hundred and forty-two! I had to climb six flights of stairs to collect the box, but I am very fit and athletic as I own a trampoline and do four hours of air running every night. Air running is where you jump really high and then run as fast as you can in the air. It is very good for the vascular system, and often my neighbors will come out to watch me. If it were a team sport I would be captain. I am on my way to deliver the box to Kate. I can't wait to see her, and I bet she is as excited as I am. I have changed into my suit and put on cologne. I will stand very close to her so that she can smell it. I have cleaned the van up a little bit, as I will ask her to come for a ride. Also, I read somewhere that girls like it when you ask them about themselves, so in addition to the poem, I have compiled a list of questions for her to fill out about where she lives and what she does.

5:10 p.m.

I am on my way back to the depot because my boss rang and said he needs to see me immediately. Probably to give me a raise or promotion. I delivered the box and Kate absolutely loved her poem; I read it out to her and she was speechless. There were tears in her eyes, and she was shaking, so I could tell she was overcome with emotion. She couldn't come for a ride in my van because she had a dentist appointment, but I could tell she wanted to. She asked me my full name and then repeated it to someone on the phone, so I know she feels the same way I do if she is telling her friends about our love. I will buy her lunch tomorrow and surprise her by taking it in and eating it there with her. I will say, "Special delivery," and when she asks what it is, I will say, "Me. And a Subway footlong."

h.e.l.lo, my name is Jason, and I'm a good drawer "h.e.l.lo, sir, my name is Jason, and I was wondering if your company would be interested in a good drawer? No? Thank you for your time."People often say to me, "Jason, you are a good drawer," and I say, "Thank you." To some people, being a good drawer may seem like a hobby rather than a profession, but I take it very seriously. Each fortnight, eighteen dollars (20 percent) of my income is spent on charcoal and butcher's paper. It is an investment in my future.Here are some of my drawings; they are all for sale. Please contact me immediately if you wish to purchase some of these masterpieces, which will no doubt prove to be a very handsome investment.

Name Whale Looking For Mate

Media Charcoal on butcher paper

Price $2,800

Name Nina in Floral Dress, Summertime

Media Charcoal on butcher paper

Price $5,200 $5,200

Name Friendly Tiger Friendly Tiger

Media Charcoal on butcher paper

Price $3,000 $3,000