The Internet Is A Playground Part 15

Regards, David

From: Shannon Walkley Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:07 p.m. Monday 21 June 2010 12:07 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: A Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:22 p.m. Monday 21 June 2010 12:22 p.m.

To: Shannon Walkley Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: A Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:34 p.m. Monday 21 June 2010 12:34 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:42 p.m. Monday 21 June 2010 12:42 p.m.

To: Shannon Walkley Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:51 p.m. Monday 21 June 2010 12:51 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:56 p.m. Monday 21 June 2010 12:56 p.m.

To: Shannon Walkley Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1:03 p.m. Monday 21 June 2010 1:03 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

h.e.l.lo, my name is Mark, and I have head lice When I was a schoolboy, every month the school nurse would have the children line up for a hair check. Many of my cla.s.smates were apprehensive of being found to have headlice, but the day the nurse declared, "Mark, you have headlice," I felt elated and excited by the idea of living beings choosing me as their provider and calling my hair home. I felt as if I had won a prize. I had never been allowed to have pets at home. My mother, who suffered from a compulsive disorder forcing her to clean, forbade any animals in the house. Unbeknownst to my mother, every night I would water the soil outside my bedroom window and play with the worms that would emerge. That afternoon when I rushed home and told my mother that I had been chosen, her reaction was not that which I had expected, and I was forced to wash my hair with KP24, a product designed to kill those that had chosen me. I learned to hate my mother that day and never forgave her. Fifteen years later, on the night she died, I leaned over and whispered into her ear that the same product she had used to perform genocide on my headlice was what was in her cup of tea.

Many people feel that headlice are of a sign of dirty or unhealthy hair, but this is simply not the case. Like those little fish that live under sharks or those tiny birds that clean alligator teeth, my headlice serve a double role of not only cleaning my scalp but also keeping me company. Often, I talk to my headlice or play them tunes on my acoustic guitar. Sometimes when it is very quiet and I concentrate very hard, I think that I can hear them talking to each other, and once, I am pretty sure I heard my name mentioned.

A few months ago, I was at the hardware store buying a gra.s.s trimmer and stopped at the sausage sizzle to purchase a snack. While I was waiting, I bought a raffle ticket that boasted three nights in Bali as first prize. I forgot about the ticket until last week when I found it in one of my old copies of Nit Weekly Nit Weekly while looking for an article I had seen on headlice as an alternative fuel source. I called the number on the ticket-and I had won. While I was in Bali, I met a native girl and we fell in love. Returning home two nights later, I found that I had pubic lice. I was in the middle of feeding my new friends when my headlice formed a concentrated group and attacked the newcomers, leaving everyone dead. I believe, in protecting me from what they perceived as a threat, they displayed an obvious sign of love. while looking for an article I had seen on headlice as an alternative fuel source. I called the number on the ticket-and I had won. While I was in Bali, I met a native girl and we fell in love. Returning home two nights later, I found that I had pubic lice. I was in the middle of feeding my new friends when my headlice formed a concentrated group and attacked the newcomers, leaving everyone dead. I believe, in protecting me from what they perceived as a threat, they displayed an obvious sign of love.

Another time, when I was canoeing on the river and had to jump out due to seeing a spider in the canoe with me, I forgot I could not swim and was going under, when each headlice held onto an individual hair and swam for the surface.

Raising headlice as pets can be a very rewarding experience. Your headlice will provide you with many years of having something to do with your hands and a great deal of satisfaction knowing you helped to establish and build a community. As their host, it is important to provide them with the necessities of life. Once a week I give my hair a light spray with chicken stock. In summer I do this daily. On Easter weekend I add a small of amount of chocolate to the mixture, and at Christmas time I make them small presents using tweezers and a magnifying gla.s.s.

I have found that, with great care, your headlice community will thrive and is even transferable to other parts of your body. I currently have my hair buddies, as I like to call them, living not only on my head but also in my eyebrows, eyelashes, and armpits. When I am at the movie theater, I like to pick headlice out of my hair and place them onto the heads of people in front of me, thus helping my headlice colonize new territories.

Strata rules exist for the benefit of all residents If I had a large backyard, I would probably have about a thousand dogs, but as my apartment is very small, I cannot have any due to both the Strata agreement and the fact that they would need to be taken for walks every day, and I am too lazy for that. There is a park across the road from us, but the last time I went there I was offered money to provide a s.e.xual act, which was flattering, but I told them that I was late for a meeting, which was a lie, as I think I just played Unreal Tournament Unreal Tournament the rest of that day. the rest of that day.I did have a goldfish named (posthumously) Stinky who lived in a vase with a plant. When he died I figured it would be nice to leave him there so that his body would break down and fertilize the plant, but after a few weeks, the smell was so bad I could not enter the apartment without a towel wrapped around my face. My first thought was to take him to work and hide him in my bosses car, but out of respect Seb and I gave him a Viking's funeral instead.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10:16 a.m. Thursday 21 May 2009 10:16 a.m.

To: Helen Bailey Helen Bailey Subject: Pets in the building Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thank you for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and well-being of my neighbors, and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons because I realize my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time, when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David

From: Helen Bailey Helen Bailey Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11:18 a.m. Thursday 21 May 2009 11:18 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Pets in the building Re: Pets in the building

h.e.l.lo David

I've received your e-mail and wish to remind you that the agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1:52 p.m. Thursday 21 May 2009 1:52 p.m.

To: Helen Bailey Helen Bailey Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I have only eight dogs, but one is expecting puppies, and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten, as this is the number required to partic.i.p.ate in dogsled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan that I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dogsled champions.h.i.+ps. For the first year of the puppies' lives I intend to say the word "Mus.h.!.+" and then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least 60 percent of the noise, and the dogs will learn to a.s.sociate the word "mush" with great fear, so when I yell it on race day, the panic, and released adrenaline, will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming in first place.

Regards, David

From: Helen Bailey Helen Bailey Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9:43 a.m. Friday 22 May 2009 9:43 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I'm unsure what to make of your e-mail. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11:27 a.m. Friday 22 May 2009 11:27 a.m.

To: Helen Bailey Helen Bailey Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish, but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees Celsius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while, so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbors. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise that my neighbors possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking, which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my Tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover Chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container, and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but experienced only chest pains and diarrhea.

Regards, David