Infinite Jest Part 45

'We rolled and tumbled down the embanking on the Autoroute's distant side, causing my chair to tip and injuring a stump of me, and knocking away her thick metal hat.'

'You saved somebody's freaking life, life, Ramy. I'd give my left nut for a chance to pull myself out of the shadow of the wing that way, Ramy.' Ramy. I'd give my left nut for a chance to pull myself out of the shadow of the wing that way, Ramy.'

'You are not seeing this. It was this frozen with the terror woman, she saved my life. For this saved my life. This moment broke my moribund chains, Katherine. In one instant and without thought I was allowed to choose something as more important than my thinking of my life. Her, she allowed this will without thinking. She with one blow broke the chains of the cage of pain at my half a body and nation. When I had crawled back to my fauteuil and placed my tipped fauteuil aright and I was again seated I realized the pain of inside no longer pained me. I became, then, adult. I was permitted leaving the pain of my own loss and pain at the top of Switzerland's Mont Papineau.'

'Because suddenly you gazed at the girl without her metal hat and felt a rush of pa.s.sion and fell madly in love enough to get married and roll together off into the s-'

'She had no skull, this woman. Later I am learning she had been among the first Swiss children of southwestern Switzerland to become born without a skull, from the toxicities in a.s.sociation of our enemy's invasion on paper. Without the confinement of the metal hat the head hung from the shoulders like the half-filled balloon or empty bag, the eyes and oral cavity greatly distended from this hanging, and sounds exiting this cavity which were difficult to listen.'

'But still, something about her moved you to fall madly in love. Her grat.i.tude and humility and acceptance and that kind of quiet dignity really horribly handic- birth-defected people usually have.'

'It was not mad. I had already chosen. The unclamping of the brakes of the fauteuil and schussch schussch ing to the Autoroute - this was the love. I had chosen loving her above my lost legs and this half a self.' ing to the Autoroute - this was the love. I had chosen loving her above my lost legs and this half a self.'

'And she looked at your missing limbs and didn't even see them and chose you right back - result: pa.s.sionate love.'

'There was for this woman in the embanking no possible choosing. Without the containing helmet all energies in her were committed to the shaping of the oral cavity in a shape that allowed breathing, which was a task of great enormity, for her head it had also neither muscles nor nerves. The special hat had found itself dented in upon one side, and I had not the ability to shape my wife's head into a shape that I could stuff the sac of her head into the hat, and I chose to carry her over my shoulders in a high-speed rolling to the nearest Swiss hopital specializing in deformities of grave nature. It was there I learned of the other troubles.'

'I think I'd like a couple more Kahlua and milks.'

'There was the trouble of the digestive tracking. There were seizures also. There were progressive decays of circulation and vessel, which calls itself restenosis. There were the more than standard accepted amounts of eyes and cavities in many different stages of development upon different parts of the body. There were the fugue states and rages and frequency of coma. She had wandered away from a public inst.i.tution of Swiss charitable care. Worst for choosing to love was the cerebro-and-spinal fluids which dribbled at all times from her distending oral cavity.'

'And but your pa.s.sionate love for each other dried up her cerebro-spinal drool and ended the seizures and there were certain hats she looked so good in it just about drove you mad with love? Is that it?'

'Garcon!'

'Is the madly-in-love part coming up?'

'Katherine, I had too believed there was no love without pa.s.sion. Pleasure. This was part of the pain of the no legs, this fear that for me there would be no pa.s.sion. The fear of the pain is many times worse than the pain of the pain, n'est ce -?'

'Ramy I don't think I'm like thinking this is a feel-better story at all all.'

'I tried to leave the soft-head and cerebro-spinally incontinent woman, m'epouse au future, behind at the hopital of grave nature and to wheel off into my new life of uncaged acceptance and choice. I would roll into the fraying of battle for my despoiled nation, for now I saw the point not of winning but of choosing merely to fight. But I had travelled no more than several revolutions of the fauteuil when the old despair of before choosing this no-skull creature rose up once again inside me. Within several revolutions there was no point again and no legs, and only fear of the pain that made me not choose. Pain rolled me backwards to this woman, my wife.'

'You're saying this is love? love? This isn't love. I'll know when it's love because of the way it'll This isn't love. I'll know when it's love because of the way it'll feel feel. It won't be about spinal fluid and despair believe you me, me, Bucko. It'll be about your eyes meet across someplace and both your knees give out and from that second forward you know you're not going to be Bucko. It'll be about your eyes meet across someplace and both your knees give out and from that second forward you know you're not going to be alone alone and in and in h.e.l.l h.e.l.l. You're not half the guy I started to think you might have been, Ray.'

'I had to face: I had chosen. My choice, this was love. I had chosen I think the way out of the chains of the cage. I needed this woman. Without her to choose over myself, there was only pain and not choosing, rolling drunkenly and making fantasies of death.'

'This is love? It's like you were chained chained to her. It's like if you tried to get on with your own life the pain of the clinical depression came back. It's like the clinical depression was a shotgun nudging you down the wedding aisle. Was there a wedding aisle? Could she even get down a wedding aisle?' to her. It's like if you tried to get on with your own life the pain of the clinical depression came back. It's like the clinical depression was a shotgun nudging you down the wedding aisle. Was there a wedding aisle? Could she even get down a wedding aisle?'

'My wife's wedding helmet was of the finest nickel mined and molded by friends in the nickel mines of southwest Switzerland. Each of us, we were rolled down the aisle in special conveyings. Hers with special pans and drains, for the fluids. It was the happiest day ever for me, since the train. The cleric asked did I choose this woman. There was a long time of silence. My whole very being came to a knifelike point in that instant, Katherine, my hand holding tenderly the hook of my wife.'

'Hook? As in As in hand-hook? hand-hook?'

'I have been knowing since the wedding night her death was coming. Her restenosis of the heart, it is irreversible. Now my Gertraude, she has been in a comatose and vegetating state for almost one year. This coma has no exit, it is said. The advanced Jaarvik IX Exterior Artificial Heart is said by the public-aid cardiologists of Switzerland to be her chance for life. With it they say my wife can live for many more years in a comatose and vegetated state.'

'So you're down here like pressing your case to the Jaarvik IX people at Harvard or wherever.'

'It is for her I betray my friends and cell, the cause of my nation, which now that victory and independence of the neighbors is possible I am betraying it.'

'You're spying and betraying Switzerland to try and keep alive somebody with a hook and spinal fluid and no skull in an irreversible coma? And I thought I I was disturbed. You're making me totally reorient my idea of was disturbed. You're making me totally reorient my idea of disturbed, disturbed, mister.' mister.'

'I am not telling for disturbing you, poor Katherine. I am telling of pain and saving a life, and love.'

'Well, Ray, far be it from far for me, but that's not love: that's low self-esteem and self-abuse and Settling For Less, choosing a coma over your comrades. a.s.suming you're even not totally lying to get me into the hay hay or some f.u.c.ked-up disturbed sicko s.h.i.+t like that.' or some f.u.c.ked-up disturbed sicko s.h.i.+t like that.'

'This -'

'Which I've got to tell you, saying I remind remind you of her isn't exactly the way to sweep my feet off, you know what I'm saying here?' you of her isn't exactly the way to sweep my feet off, you know what I'm saying here?'

'This is what is hard to tell. To ask any person to see. It is no choice. It is not choosing Gertraude over the A.F.R., my companions. Over the causes. Choosing Gertraude to love as my wife was necessary for the others, these other choices. Without the choice of her life there are no other choices. I tried leaving at the commencement. I got only very few revolutions of the fauteuil.'

'Sounds more like a gun to your head gun to your head than a choice. If you can't choose the other way, there's no choice.' than a choice. If you can't choose the other way, there's no choice.'

'No, but this choice, Katherine: I made it. It chains me, but the chains are of my choice. The other chains: no. The others were the chains of not choosing.'

'Do you have a twin that just came in and sat down just to the left of you but is also like about one-third overlapping on you?'

'You are merely drunk. This will happened quickly if unused to alcohol. Nausea often accompanies this. Do not be alarmed if there is visual doubling, losing balance, and nausea of the stomach.'

'The price of a like complete normal human digestive tract. I used to throw up every morning without drinking. Rain and s.h.i.+ne both.'

'You think there is no love without the pleasure, the no-choice compelling of pa.s.sion.'

'I appreciate the drinks drinks and all, but I don't think I'm going to like memorize a lecture on and all, but I don't think I'm going to like memorize a lecture on love love from somebody who marries somebody with cerebrofluid spewing out of their from somebody who marries somebody with cerebrofluid spewing out of their mouth, mouth, no offense intended.' no offense intended.'

'As you say. My opinions are only that the love you of this country speak of yields none of the pleasure you seek in love. This whole idea of the pleasure and good feelings being what to choose. To give yourself away to. That all choice for you leads there - this pleasure of not choosing.'

'Don't grudge me a little feeling good, of all people, Ray, a.s.shole, s.h.i.+t-puddle, Swisshead.'

'Is it better to throw up right away or try to wait before you throw up, Mr. Drinking Expert?'

'I am thinking: what if I were to claim we might leave and I could lead you only three streets from here and show you something with this promise: you would feel more good feeling and pleasure than ever before for you: you would never again feel sorrow or pity or the pain of the chains and cage of never choosing. I am thinking of this offer: you would reply to me what?'

'I voot make ze hreply zat I've heard that one before, a.s.shole, and from... from guys with a little more to them south of the waist, if you follow.' I've heard that one before, a.s.shole, and from... from guys with a little more to them south of the waist, if you follow.'

'I do not understand.'

'What I'd reply is I'm a s.h.i.+tty lay s.h.i.+tty lay. As in s.e.x-partner s.e.x-partner. I've only ever been s.e.xual twice, and both times it was awful, and Brad Anderson when I called and said why didn't you call again Brad Anderson you know what he said? He said I was a lousy lay lousy lay and my and my s.n.a.t.c.h s.n.a.t.c.h was sure awful was sure awful big big for somebody with such a for somebody with such a little flat a.s.s, little flat a.s.s, Brad Anderson said.' Brad Anderson said.'

'No. No. You are not understanding.'

'That's just what I I said.' said.'

'You would say No Thank You, you are saying, but this is because you would not believe my claim.'

'If my claim, it was true, you would say yes, Katherine, no?'

'Yes?'

'Now you're not on your side anymore, Hal, I can see. When you're on your back you don't have a shadow.'

'Hey Hal?'

'Yes, Mario.'

'I'm sorry if you're sad, Hal. You seem sad.'

'I smoke high-resin Bob Hope in secret by myself down in the Pump Room off the secondary maintenance tunnel. I use Visine and mint toothpaste and shower with Irish Spring to hide it from almost everyone. Only Pemulis knows the true extent.'

'I'm not the one C.T. and the Moms want gone. I'm not the one they suspect. Pemulis publicly dosed his opponent at Port Was.h.i.+ngton. It was impossible to miss. The kid was a devout Mormon. The dose was impossible to miss. Sales of Visine bottles of pre-adolescent urine during quarterly tests have been noted, it turns out, and cla.s.sed as a Pemulis production.'

'Selling Visine bottles?'

'I'd be immune to expulsion anyway, obviously, as the Moms's relative. But I'm suspected of nothing other than ill-considered moral paralysis out there on I. Day. My urine and Axhandle's urine are just to establish a context of objectivity for Pemulis's urine. It's Pemulis they want. I'm almost positive they're going to give Pemulis the Shoe by the end of the term. I don't know whether Pemulis knows this or not.'

'Hey Hal?'

'Normally they're after steroids, endocrine synthetics, mild 'drines, when they test. The O.N.A.N.T.A. guy gave indications this one'll be a full-spectrum scan. Gas chromatography followed by electron-bombardment, with spectrometer readings on the resultant ma.s.s-fragments. The real Mc-Coy. The kind the Show uses.'

'Hey Hal?'

'Mike stands there and says what if hypothetically somebody was down-wind from substances and got exposed and so on. Claimed vague memories of a poppy-seed bagel. Not at all Pemulis's normal rococo type of lie. This one had a kind of weary earnestness. The guy in the blazer said he'd go ahead and give us thirty days before a full-spectrum scan. Mike had pointed out that there was an enormous lady from Moment Moment due to arrive and snuffle around, making it a really unfortunate time for any outside-chance inadvertent scandals for anybody. It was like the guy needed hardly any prodding to give us time to clean out the system. O.N.A.N.T.A. doesn't want to catch anybody, really. Good clean fun and so on and so forth.' due to arrive and snuffle around, making it a really unfortunate time for any outside-chance inadvertent scandals for anybody. It was like the guy needed hardly any prodding to give us time to clean out the system. O.N.A.N.T.A. doesn't want to catch anybody, really. Good clean fun and so on and so forth.'

'The ingenious layer to the lie was that the guy thought the thirty days' grace was for Pemulis. That it was what Pemulis needed. Pemulis could pa.s.s a urine test hanging upside down in a high wind. Guy watching or not. He has a whole unpleasant catheterization technique you don't want to hear about. He's checked it. And Tenuates are apparently the Indy-type car of 'drines, he says; his own urine can be all innocent and pale with two days' warning, as long as he stays off the Bob.'

'b.o.o.boo, the thirty days was actually for me, and Mike let me stand there with my Unit out and not say anything while he sold the urologist land and magazine subscriptions and Ginsu knives. He did it for me, and I'm not even the one they want.'

'You can tell me whatever you said.'

'What I do in secret, Boo, Mike says no more than thirty days to get it all out for sure. Cranberry juice, Calli tea, vinegar in water. Plus or minus a couple days. The Bob Hope I smoke and hide, Boo, it's fat-soluble. It stays in there, in the body's fat.'

'Mrs. Clarke told Bridget the human brain is high in fat, Bridget said.'

'Mario, if I get caught. If I come up dirty-urined in front of O.N.A.N.T.A., what could C.T. do? It's not just that I'd lose my even year in 18's. He'd have to give me the Shoe if he'd brought O.N.A.N.T.A. into it. And what about Himself's memory? I'm directly related to Himself. Not to mention Orin. And meanwhile here's this Moment Moment lady lumbering around looking for family linen.' lady lumbering around looking for family linen.'

'Troeltsch says she all she wants to do is soften Orin's profile.'

'The hideous thing is how brightly it'd come out, if I flunk a urine. E.T.A.'ll be publicly hurt. Hence Himself's memory, hence Himself.'

'And it'd kill kill the Moms, Mario. It'd be a terrible kertw.a.n.g on the Moms. Not so much the Hope. The the Moms, Mario. It'd be a terrible kertw.a.n.g on the Moms. Not so much the Hope. The secrecy secrecy of it. That I hid it from her. That she'll feel I had to hide it from her.' of it. That I hid it from her. That she'll feel I had to hide it from her.'

'Hey Hal?'

'Something terrible will happen if she finds out I hid it from her.'

'Thirty days is one calendar month of Calli tea and juice, you're saying.'

'Of tea and vinegar and total abstinence. Of no substances whatsoever. Of abrupt and total withdrawal while I try to justify my seed at the WhataBurger and maybe get offered up to Wayne at the Fundraiser. And then your birthday in two weeks.'

'Hey Hal?'

'Jesus and then the SAT's in December, I'll have to finish prepping for the Boards and then take the Boards while still in abrupt withdrawal.'

'You'll get a perfect score. Everybody's betting you get a perfect score. I've heard them.'

'Marvelous. That's just exactly what I need to hear.'

'Hey Hal?'

'And of course you're hurt, Boo, that I've tried to hide all of it from you.'

'I'm zero percent hurt, Hal.'

'And of course you're wondering why I didn't just tell you when of course you knew anyway, knew something, the times hanging upside-down in the weight room with a forehead Lyle didn't even want to get near. You sitting there letting me say I was just really really tired and nightmare-ridden.'

'I feel like you always tell me the truth. You tell me when it's right to.'

'Marvelous.'

'I feel like you're the only one who knows when it's right to tell. I can't know for you, so why should I be hurt.'

'Be a f.u.c.king human being being for once, Boo. I room with you and I hid it from you and let you worry and be hurt that I was trying to hide it.' for once, Boo. I room with you and I hid it from you and let you worry and be hurt that I was trying to hide it.'

'I wasn't hurt. I don't want you to be sad.'

'You can get hurt and mad at people, Boo. News-flash at almost f.u.c.king nineteen, kid. It's called being a person. You can get mad at somebody and it doesn't mean they'll go away. You don't have to put on a Moms-act of total trust and forgiveness. One liar's enough.'

'You're scared your pee might still flunk after one calendar month.'

'Jesus it's like talking to a big poster of some smily-faced guy. Are you in in there?' there?'

'And you can't use a Visine bottle of pee because the man will be right there looking at your p.e.n.i.s, and Trevor and Pemulis's p.e.n.i.ses.'