A Time To Betray Part 14

I looked up at the door again and sharpened my ear to see if I could hear anybody. Then I continued. "Should something happen to me, promise me you'll go to London with Omid and stay with your parents." She did not say anything, so I continued again. "As I said, I might go to the front today. If you don't hear from me in a few days, I want you to pack your bags and go to London. Do you promise me?"

"Reza, you don't need to remind me how dangerous your work is," she said with confusion in her voice. "But I don't understand why they need a computer guy at the front. I am just ..." She did not finish and just stayed quiet while I told her one more time how much I loved her.

Then, as much as I wanted to continue to hear her voice, I realized that I needed to hang up. The Guards could have been listening to this call, further fueling their suspicion about me.

I met Javad at his office and from there we headed toward his car. I resolved to maintain my composure, trying to convince myself that Javad was acting the way he was simply to test me. After all, according to Akbar, he'd made a profession out of testing people. Meanwhile, my thoughts raced between wondering if the Guards knew about Wally and persuading myself that they couldn't possibly know.

We'd barely started driving when Javad raised my anxieties to new levels.

"Baradar Reza, we are going to Evin Prison instead of Abba.s.s's office," he said. "Abba.s.s is at Evin today."

The mere suggestion of Evin set my mind reeling. Images immediately flashed of the last time I was there. The sounds of terror, torture, wailing, and gunshots rang in my ears simultaneously. I thought of Parvaneh, Naser, and Soheil. Unbidden, the thought came of myself as a prisoner there, and I came very close to losing the facade of calm I'd managed to erect provisionally.

"I am looking forward to meeting this friend of yours," I said as I straightened my back in my seat. "It's Baradar Abba.s.s, right?"

"Yeah, Abba.s.s. G.o.d bless him. This morning he told me they had just arrested two pasdar pasdar who were working as spies for other countries. It's hard to believe those b.a.s.t.a.r.ds thought they could infiltrate us, steal our secrets, and get away with their treacherous acts. We lose our brothers in war, and these sons of dogs sell us out for money to America, Israel, or the Mujahedin. They are going to pay and then pay again." who were working as spies for other countries. It's hard to believe those b.a.s.t.a.r.ds thought they could infiltrate us, steal our secrets, and get away with their treacherous acts. We lose our brothers in war, and these sons of dogs sell us out for money to America, Israel, or the Mujahedin. They are going to pay and then pay again."

He looked over at me, narrowing his eyes. I could feel the hatred in his voice, the insane need to avenge his brother by bringing down anyone who opposed the regime, and therefore the cause for which his brother had died.

His mention of the arrest of the Guards sent the pendulum of my thoughts back to the belief that Javad was driving me toward my imprisonment. For the first time since I became Wally, I felt I had reached the end. I was caught. My mind raced to think of a way out. In this frantic condition, I remembered a spy movie I watched with Naser when we were teenagers. In the movie, a spy took cyanide just before he was captured to avoid certain torture. If I had a cyanide capsule on me at that moment, I might have done the same. But such a thing hadn't come in the "spy kit" provided by the CIA. In this moment, in this car that I believed was delivering me to a future of agony, I felt very alone. I looked out the window, as if something there would provide me with an option.

"They go to America, and instead of helping their country, they betray us. One of these jasoosa jasoosa gave away a secret plan about the war and a lot of Basijis lost their lives." gave away a secret plan about the war and a lot of Basijis lost their lives."

Javad's resentment for me was very personal. If, in fact, he did know that I was a spy, he was equating me with the death of our soldiers and, by extension, the death of his brother.

I continued to play the role of the faithful Guard. "Baradar Javad, we are fortunate that we have people like Abba.s.s, whose knowledge is building a strong coalition for our Islamic movement. His American education is an a.s.set for us. He knows the Americans better than they know us. He is not a betrayer."

Javad glanced at me quickly before returning his eyes to the road. He didn't respond, and I stayed quiet as well, hoping that doing so would allow my words to sink in with him. If Javad and his cohorts had evidence against me, I knew I was already lost. But that didn't prevent me from trying everything at my disposal to convince them that they'd misjudged me.

A short while later, we entered through the main gate of Evin and headed toward the prosecution wing, southwest of the main prison building. Javad knew exactly where to go, probably because he'd spent a great deal of time here. I followed behind him in the long hallway lined with doors on both sides. He then made a left turn to another smaller hallway, stopped on the right side, and knocked on a door. Before anybody could answer, he opened the door.

Two Guards sat facing each other at desks piled with files and stacks of paper. One Guard gestured for the other to leave the room. Then he got up and approached Javad.

"Salam aleikom, Baradar Javad," he said, giving Javad a hug and kiss on each cheek. He reached his hand to me. "You must be Reza. I'm Abba.s.s." Baradar Javad," he said, giving Javad a hug and kiss on each cheek. He reached his hand to me. "You must be Reza. I'm Abba.s.s."

I nodded as I shook his hand.

Tall with broad shoulders, Abba.s.s cut the image of a handsome pasdar pasdar in his tailored uniform. Despite his full beard and trimmed mustache, he looked neat and clean, unlike so many of his brethren who cared little for their appearance. in his tailored uniform. Despite his full beard and trimmed mustache, he looked neat and clean, unlike so many of his brethren who cared little for their appearance.

Abba.s.s's manner could not have been more different from Javad's. He casually asked me about my life in Southern California and his manner was affable and gracious. He opened the conversation by saying that he went to school in Los Angeles around the same time I was there. I responded by telling him of my a.s.sociation with Islamic students in LA.

"Oh, did you know Shahid Shahid Baradar Ha.s.san?" he asked. Baradar Ha.s.san?" he asked.

"No. I knew a lot of people in the a.s.sociation, but I mostly hung around with Farzin and Mani, who were in charge of most of the meetings. Perhaps you knew them?"

"Yes, I knew them," he said, smiling. "They were a mainstay of the a.s.sociation in those days. Did you know that both Mani and Ha.s.san came back and were martyred on the front? Two great shahid shahid. But I never heard anything more of Farzin. Do you know where he is?"

"No, I've lost contact with him. I'm sorry to hear about Mani and Ha.s.san. We're fortunate to have such devoted baradaran. baradaran."

Abba.s.s seemed to consider this for a moment. "Javad said you took a trip back to America a few years ago. You didn't see Farzin or contact him then?"

I told him about the nature of my trip and that I had only a short amount of time to spend with my aunt and help her transition to the a.s.sisted-living facility. I mentioned that I'd met with my old roommates, a.s.suming he already knew that.

We talked about the student a.s.sociation for a while and I learned that Abba.s.s was a committee head of the a.s.sociation and attended some of the meetings on the same days I was there. There was a surreal feeling to this conversation. I'd entered the office believing that they were about to s.h.i.+p me to h.e.l.l, yet we spoke in a relaxed manner, like nothing more than two people with common acquaintances.

Javad, however, had a point to press. "Some of those students joined the Mujahedin, and the rest of them are working for Zionist America," he said sharply.

As he said that, I remembered that Johnny, my college roommate, had mentioned something about someone named Farhad-I didn't know anyone named Farhad-who'd joined the Mujahedin with his sister. I now realized that Johnny was talking about Farzin. Johnny told me that Farhad/Farzin had been arrested and killed in Iran.

So that's what this is all about. They're trying to connect me to Farzin with trick questions.

Javad continued, insisting that all Iranians who studied abroad were criminals and had no decency.

Impatiently, Abba.s.s turned and said, "Javad, we have many Guards who have been educated all over the world and are serving our country well and with pure belief." He was obviously offended.

This exchange only increased the tension in the room from my perspective. I still didn't know what was going on. Had Javad brought me here to set me up, hoping I'd say something out of nervousness that would indict me? If so, had I already said something to compromise myself? Or did Abba.s.s know more than he was letting on, in which case his friendliness was just a sham before they destroyed me.

Just as Abba.s.s started to ask another question, a loud knock at the door interrupted us and two tall and well-built pasdar pasdar entered the room. Their machine guns were hanging on their backs, and they had small guns at their waists. Their arrival immediately led me to believe that my time of reckoning had come. I felt all my resolve leave me; I was suddenly ready to surrender, to admit anything they wanted to know or confirm everything they already believed. entered the room. Their machine guns were hanging on their backs, and they had small guns at their waists. Their arrival immediately led me to believe that my time of reckoning had come. I felt all my resolve leave me; I was suddenly ready to surrender, to admit anything they wanted to know or confirm everything they already believed.

Long moments pa.s.sed with the gaze of these pasdar pasdar seemingly boring a hole into me. Then Abba.s.s approached them, handed over a folder, and whispered something to one of them. I had never felt so vulnerable in my life. I was certain that I had failed to meet Abba.s.s's scrutiny. I stared at the floor, feeling numb; my ears, mouth, eyes-my whole body was senseless. I couldn't think of anything, not even my son. The image of Somaya's smile didn't bring back my strength. Naser's unjust death meant nothing at that moment. I couldn't think of any ifs-if I survived this, if I got to go home, if I could just see my family one more time ... seemingly boring a hole into me. Then Abba.s.s approached them, handed over a folder, and whispered something to one of them. I had never felt so vulnerable in my life. I was certain that I had failed to meet Abba.s.s's scrutiny. I stared at the floor, feeling numb; my ears, mouth, eyes-my whole body was senseless. I couldn't think of anything, not even my son. The image of Somaya's smile didn't bring back my strength. Naser's unjust death meant nothing at that moment. I couldn't think of any ifs-if I survived this, if I got to go home, if I could just see my family one more time ...

"Okay, then. Come on, we're going now," Javad said, tapping my shoulder.

Resigned to my fate, I got up, thinking I was leaving with the two Guards. That's when I saw that they were no longer in the room. I had missed their departure in my panicked reverie. Then Abba.s.s got up and rearranged the papers on his desk, grabbed a folder, put it under his arm, and shook my hand.

"I should be leaving as I have to be in my office soon," he said. He then patted Javad's shoulder and told him that he would be in touch.

Still feeling numb, I said good-bye to Abba.s.s, and Javad and I left.

Back in the car, my senses started to return. "Are we going back to the base?" I asked, still wondering if Javad might be taking me elsewhere.

Javad threw me an arched eyebrow. "Where else do you want to go?"

"Nowhere," I said quickly. "I promised Rahim that I'd fix his computer sometime today. I just didn't know if you needed to go somewhere first."

Javad scratched his mustache with his bottom teeth, rolled his eyes, and kept driving. We returned to the base and I got on with the rest of my day.

As much as I tried, I couldn't begin to understand what this experience was all about.

That night at home I told Somaya that I would be staying in my study to take care of some unfinished work and that I would not be coming to the bedroom at all. I could see that she wasn't sure what to make of this. I'd rattled her with the phone call earlier in the day, and my explanation when I got home about a delay in our mission to the front hardly seemed to mollify her. But she simply nodded her understanding. I promised myself that I would explain things to her better later, but I didn't have the strength to do so tonight.

Alone in my study, I pondered for hours. I'd made any number of monumental decisions over the past few years and it was time for me to make another one-maybe the toughest of my life. I chain-smoked an entire pack of cigarettes, and when I lit my last one, I realized that I knew what I had to do.

[Letter #-]

[Date: ---]

Dear Carol,You might be surprised to see that the format of this letter is different-no numbering and no outlines. I was at Evin Prison today. I am not certain as to what happened or what is about to happen.I have told you about Javad, the guy who constantly asks me questions. He has connections in the Intelligence Unit and he took me to Evin Prison today. I thought that I would never come out again. He introduced me to a guy named Abba.s.s Karmani. I don't know who he is or what his exact position is, but he was a member of the Islamic Students' a.s.sociation in Los Angeles while I was studying there. He works at the Intelligence Headquarters now. While I was there, two other Guards came in to check me out. I am not sure whether they think of me as a member of the Mujahedin or if they suspect me of spying. But as much as I want to believe the whole thing is a game that Javad is playing to shake me up, I have to be careful.I am especially worried about my family. I am going to talk to my wife and try to convince her to move to London. I will be transferring the codebook out of my house, and will not be sending any mail or listening for any messages. If things get worse, I will destroy the codes. Please remember that I will need one favor and one favor only. Should anything happen to me, I beg of you to look after my wife and son.I will continue my daily life here, as I have no other choice. I am being sent to the front again soon. You will hear from me if I verify this was a one-time incident and I feel I am safe.

G.o.d bless, Wally

20.

ANOTHER MARTYR.

THE INCIDENT AT Evin Prison left me stunned. Javad had drawn a bull's-eye on my back and I felt more unsafe than I'd ever felt in my life. The comfortable routine I'd settled into of collecting information and pa.s.sing it on to Carol was no longer an option. I'd been aware of the consequences before, but now they seemed so much more real. I had to think of something to do to protect my family in case the Guards arrested me. When they caught people doing what I was doing, they tortured them in unimaginable ways. They would subject my wife and son to the same treatment, and I would be forced to watch until I confessed. The idea of that caused me levels of emotional pain I didn't think I was capable of feeling. How could I have ever put them in this position? Evin Prison left me stunned. Javad had drawn a bull's-eye on my back and I felt more unsafe than I'd ever felt in my life. The comfortable routine I'd settled into of collecting information and pa.s.sing it on to Carol was no longer an option. I'd been aware of the consequences before, but now they seemed so much more real. I had to think of something to do to protect my family in case the Guards arrested me. When they caught people doing what I was doing, they tortured them in unimaginable ways. They would subject my wife and son to the same treatment, and I would be forced to watch until I confessed. The idea of that caused me levels of emotional pain I didn't think I was capable of feeling. How could I have ever put them in this position?

I remembered Steve's warning at the outset of my engagement with the CIA: "I want you to be completely aware of the consequences if things go wrong, Wally. The United States government will deny any relations.h.i.+p with you. There won't be a navy fleet coming to your rescue."

In other words, no one would save me from a horrific fate.

There was one thing-perhaps the only thing-I could do: commit suicide. Sometimes defeat is not a man's choice, but to die with pride and dignity is. The only way I could protect my family in the event I was arrested was to kill myself. The Guards wouldn't torture Somaya and Omid to force a confession out of me if I were already dead. So I drove to a local drugstore and purchased rat poison. I filled four gel capsules with the powder and carried them with me from then on.

Next I had to hide the codebooks. If the Guards were on to me or had any suspicions about me, they would ransack my home looking for evidence. I needed to get the books to a place where they'd be less likely to look, and I decided that my mother's condo was the most secure place available to me. I asked Somaya to get Omid ready to visit my mother.

I spent the entire drive to my mother's contemplating my life decisions and the path on which I'd placed those I loved. Because of me, Omid's future was like a dangling leaf on a bare tree with a storm fast approaching. As though to underscore the role I played in putting him in harm's way, I was using his diaper bag to transfer the codebooks, the very vouchers of my betrayal.

My mind was racing, and I must have exhibited this outwardly, because Somaya touched me on the arm and said, "Is something wrong, Reza? You don't seem to be yourself."

"It's nothing. I'm just concerned about going to the front again. I'm not sure when I'm going and there's so much to do before I leave. I'm a little stressed trying to figure out how to get it all done. It's nothing for you to worry about."

She gave me an understanding pat and let it go.

When we arrived, Somaya and Mom quickly started fussing over Omid. I took the codebooks up to the closet in what had been my room before I got married. I had other items stored there-school-books, letters, photos-things I wanted to keep but didn't have the room for at my place. Before I stored the codebooks, I labeled the package "Ideas for Computer Programs" just in case my mother should find it. Then I went back to my family and tried to enjoy the simplicity of playing with a child.

In the following weeks, I took extra precautions. I made sure my daily routine of getting to and from work remained the same. This included dropping off letters to my aunt, though I was no longer using them to obscure the letters I was sending to Carol. At work, I stayed focused on my a.s.signments. Not knowing what Javad was up to, I needed to appear to be the model Guard. I had barely seen him since we returned from Evin, but I still felt his presence.

During this silent period, many things happened that I'd been unable to report to Carol. One was the formation of the Ministry of Intelligence and Security (MOIS) in August 1984. The regime was consolidating most of their intelligence work into the ministry, which was to become the center of all that activity, though the Guards would continue to have an intelligence presence at every base. With the formation of MOIS, Javad and Rasool, along with a few others from our base, were transferred to the ministry. The fact that Javad was now working in the Ministry of Intelligence gave me chills because it meant he had more authority and autonomy. Kazem remained at our base as part of the Guards' Intelligence Unit.

Though it took longer than expected, Kazem informed me that Rahim had finally issued the order for us to go to the front. There was no particular reason why he chose us for this mission other than that he wanted all of the Guards under his command to be in close contact with martyrdom regularly. He felt that "getting close to heaven purifies the soul. Should you be worthy enough, you will become a martyr and join our great prophet Mohammad, Imam Ali, Imam Hussein, and all G.o.d's martyrs in heaven. But only if you are worthy enough."

When Kazem told me that Javad had volunteered to join us on this trip, it did not shock me, even though he was no longer in our unit. It simply confirmed that he was still watching me, and that he would continue to do so until he found something.

The night before I left, I was packing my bag. Somaya had put Omid in his crib for the night and now she sat quietly on our bed, watching me. She seemed terribly sad, her fingers playing with the end of her s.h.i.+rt, rolling it up and down. I knew she wanted to say something, perhaps something she'd wanted to say for a long time. I stopped packing and sat next to her. She bent her head and looked at her hands, but she remained quiet. I wrapped my arm around her and kissed her head. I couldn't think of what to say and ended up saying nothing. But I sat next to her for a long while. Finally, she broke the silence.

"You come back home in one piece, Reza," she whispered.

Her lower lip curled, her eyelids turned red, and a tear rolled down her cheek. I wiped the tear away, leaned my head on her forehead, held on to her hands, and then let her cry on my shoulder, too overwhelmed by a suite of emotions to do anything other than embrace her.

I reported directly to Kazem's office early the next morning. When I arrived, his expression was unlike any I'd seen on his face in a long time. His eyes were gleaming, and he seemed happy in a very different way from how he appeared after the regime scored a great victory.

"What's gotten into you?" I asked as I put down my bag.

Kazem got up from his chair. "My parents went khastegari khastegari for me a couple of weeks ago. I did not tell you before because I was not sure if they would be successful." for me a couple of weeks ago. I did not tell you before because I was not sure if they would be successful."

The chance to talk to Kazem about something as human as marriage warmed me. "Why would anybody reject a great man like you?" I said with a huge smile. "Who is the lucky bride?"

"Her name is Zohreh," he said excitedly. "She was introduced to my mom at a Quran reading. Mom thinks she is a very devoted Muslim and would make a great housewife. We are getting married after I come back from jebheh. jebheh."

I reached out and gave him a hug, genuinely happy for him. When we were kids, we'd talked many times about getting married. It felt so good to bring those memories back now. He told me a little more about Zohreh, and we were both still smiling as we put our baggage in the back of the Toyota SUV supplied by the Guards. My good mood faded when Javad arrived, acknowledged me with a stiff h.e.l.lo, and climbed into the backseat.

Throughout the long drive to Ahwaz, a city in the southwest of Iran close to the border with Iraq, I worried about what Javad might bring up. Though we were going to the front, Javad's presence was the greatest source of my anxiety. He was mysteriously quiet, though. Kazem, who drove, listened to the news on the radio, and I pretended to be asleep most of the way, inventing the excuse that Omid had been up all night crying.

We made a few stops along the way in Hamadan, Khorramabad, and Dezful. The entire trip took more than twelve hours and darkness was upon us when we arrived at a garrison in Ahwaz. From there, we headed to the base behind the front lines. Our forces had no offensives planned the next day, so there was no sermon that night. It was already late, so shortly after our group namaz, namaz, we went to sleep. I was relieved that Javad had not challenged me on the trip, but I was still wary of him. I had to find a way to show him that I was devoted to my mission in we went to sleep. I was relieved that Javad had not challenged me on the trip, but I was still wary of him. I had to find a way to show him that I was devoted to my mission in jebheh jebheh and that I would fight for my country just like any other Guard or Basiji. If I could win his confidence, perhaps he would leave me alone. and that I would fight for my country just like any other Guard or Basiji. If I could win his confidence, perhaps he would leave me alone.

The next morning, we drove on a narrow dirt road bookended by hills on either side. Several times, ambulances rus.h.i.+ng back with wounded forced us to pull over, a stark reminder of what we were facing. The sound of artillery guns firing behind us was deafening. A loud boom shook the ground with such force it felt like an earthquake.

As we got closer, I could see the incoming artillery rounds from enemy fire blasting the surrounding areas. We felt a thump followed by a loud explosion as a round hit a small hill on our right, shaking our car and showering us with dirt and stones. Another one roared over our car, whistling as it went by. Kazem pressed harder on the gas. Javad ducked. Another sh.e.l.l seemed targeted for the roof of our car, but it hit a couple of hundred feet behind us. A hissing, screeching sound filled the air. It felt as if the sky were falling.

Kazem sped behind a hill close to the command post and slammed on the brakes. We got out, keeping our heads down as we made our way toward the commanding officer.

Kazem presented him with our orders from Rahim, saying, "Baradar, how can we be of a.s.sistance?" Transferring ammo, distributing food, or helping with the injured had been our a.s.signments on previous trips. how can we be of a.s.sistance?" Transferring ammo, distributing food, or helping with the injured had been our a.s.signments on previous trips.

"For right now," the commander responded, "it would be best if you just take cover. The Iraqi forces are attacking our positions aggressively. Many tanks are approaching, using artillery and aerial support."

We took shelter in a shallow hole reinforced with sandbags. We could see flashes of light all around as explosions shook the ground. This was the closest we had come to war. We could hear the commander barking orders. Bullets whizzed overhead. A sh.e.l.l burst about twenty yards away. Someone screamed for a medic. It was chaos.

And then the fighting intensified.

The three of us squatted in that hole. Javad and Kazem seemed nervous, both mumbling verses from the Quran. To my surprise, I was the least fl.u.s.tered of the group. Even though I knew I might not escape this insanity alive, I felt strangely calm. If I die here, If I die here, I thought, I thought, Wally and the attendant burdens will die with me. Maybe that would be the easiest way out. Wally and the attendant burdens will die with me. Maybe that would be the easiest way out.

Javad looked at me constantly. He tried to give the impression that he was not afraid, but I could see that he was. Remembering that his brother had died in the war, I felt a surge of compa.s.sion. Had he been thinking about that since we embarked on this trip?

"Kazem, tell me more about your new bride," I said to change the mood. "By the way, I agree to be your best man, even though you have not asked me."

Kazem smiled nervously. "I think the timing of khastegari khastegari was not right. It should have been done sooner." was not right. It should have been done sooner."

"Don't worry, the wedding will go on as scheduled with or without you."

He chuckled, and just then a Guard approached our bunker, clearly in distress.

"You have to leave now and get back to the base behind the front lines. We are changing position and moving back. Get out now! Move!"

We ran toward our SUV. I was in front, with Kazem and Javad following. The sound of explosions mingled with the screams of the injured and shouts of "Allaho Akbar!" "Allaho Akbar!" Billows of smoke surrounded us, making breathing difficult. As we neared the hill, I could hear the hissing sound of incoming rounds. I was running as fast as I could, but I felt heavy and slow. Billows of smoke surrounded us, making breathing difficult. As we neared the hill, I could hear the hissing sound of incoming rounds. I was running as fast as I could, but I felt heavy and slow.

Then I heard a short whistling sound. A sh.e.l.l hit close to us with a loud percussion followed by the buzzing noise of shrapnel splaying out into the air. We scattered and took cover. I couldn't hear anything but the ringing in my ears. I felt something hit my leg. Lying on the ground, I turned my head and saw some blood on my left ankle. I could still move the ankle and feel it, though, and it didn't hurt that much.

I looked around for Kazem and Javad, but they weren't behind me anymore.

"Kazem, Kazem!" I shouted. No answer.

"Javad, Javad." My voice was lost in the sound of explosions.