A Time To Betray Part 13

Agha Joon then walked around and kissed every one of us to mark the coming of the New Year. It was usually the job of younger ones to get up and kiss the elders to show their respect and love for the family. But that had changed, too.

I looked over at my mother and whispered, "Happy New Year." I wished so much that I could tell her I was sorry, but, as always, I choked this back.

The candles on our table, which had been there to symbolize happiness and enlightenment, now served as beacons through government-imposed darkness. The mirror, which should have reflected the light for a brighter future, instead reflected the disappointment in my mother's eyes for me.

18.

THE RADICAL.

OVER THE NEXT few months, I watched Kazem rise meteorically in the Intelligence Unit. He worked incredibly hard and never took days off. When the Guards offered the opportunity to acquire land and a car, he demurred, making it clear that he was in this job for the contribution he could make to the revolution rather than any wealth he could acc.u.mulate. Meanwhile, he laced his conversation with religious references and urgings, becoming in his actions and words the model radical Islamist. As much as this behavior disturbed me, and even frightened me at some levels, I recognized that it insulated Kazem completely from suspicion. He had become beyond reproach. Realizing that I needed to create the same kind of protection for Wally, I started to emulate Kazem's behavior. Instead of going home after work, I would follow him to the mosque to attend the sermons of mourning in support of our troops heading to the front to become martyrs. I would also accompany him to Namaz Jomeh, the Friday prayers. few months, I watched Kazem rise meteorically in the Intelligence Unit. He worked incredibly hard and never took days off. When the Guards offered the opportunity to acquire land and a car, he demurred, making it clear that he was in this job for the contribution he could make to the revolution rather than any wealth he could acc.u.mulate. Meanwhile, he laced his conversation with religious references and urgings, becoming in his actions and words the model radical Islamist. As much as this behavior disturbed me, and even frightened me at some levels, I recognized that it insulated Kazem completely from suspicion. He had become beyond reproach. Realizing that I needed to create the same kind of protection for Wally, I started to emulate Kazem's behavior. Instead of going home after work, I would follow him to the mosque to attend the sermons of mourning in support of our troops heading to the front to become martyrs. I would also accompany him to Namaz Jomeh, the Friday prayers.

During one of these times, the mullah conducting the sermon was Hashemi Rafsanjani. He was then the speaker of the parliament and would eventually become president and then a pivotal "moderate" figure in the uproar surrounding the 2009 elections.

"The West and the Zionist media accuse us of torturing our prisoners in Evin Prison," he said to the gathered thousands. "They say we torture the members of the opposition and force them into confession." At this, he smirked. I peeked at Kazem, who was listening enthusiastically and responding to Rafsanjani's every gesture. "The West does not understand that the prisoners are introduced to Quran and the Islamic values by our committed Guards. It is the power of Islam that helps these people to understand their mistakes. They repent and ask G.o.d for forgiveness-and that's how they confess."

The crowd responded exuberantly, shouting, "Allaho Akbar. ... "Allaho Akbar. ... Khomeini Khomeini Rahbar Rahbar.... Death to America.... Death to Israel. ..."

Rafsanjani continued to offer preposterous disinformation to the ma.s.ses-who applauded it feverishly-while I stewed. Radical rhetoric always disturbed me, but what Rafsanjani was suggesting about Evin Prison after what I knew happened to Naser, Soheil, Parvaneh, Roya, and so many others inflamed me, though I couldn't show any sign of this. I wondered how Kazem could raise his fist in the air in support of these words with so little regard for the memories of people he once loved. It shamed me to watch this blind display of loyalty, this d.a.m.ning of the media of the West for telling the truth. Though I pretended to partic.i.p.ate in this ma.s.s hysteria, the experience brought me to tears.

Kazem peeked at me and handed me his handkerchief to wipe my eyes. He had once known me so well, but now his fanaticism had overwhelmed him so completely that he had utterly misinterpreted my emotions. "We are so alone in this world, Reza," he said, touching me on the shoulder. "But G.o.d is on our side. The West can lie all it wants about our revolution to the rest of the world, but victory will be ours. It is all in Allah's hands."

I nodded at him earnestly. Though it was critical to my mission that I maintain his trust, there were times when I just wanted to scream at him, shake him, or smash him against a wall while telling him how stupid and blind he was.

A few weeks after the Rafsanjani sermon, Kazem came to my office.

"Reza, get your bags packed," he said. "We're leaving in two days for Bandar 'Abbas. We have to set up the new computer system for our command and control centers in the Persian Gulf area."

Bandar 'Abbas, a Persian Gulf port city on the southern coast of Iran, is in the most strategic position on the Strait of Hormuz, through which all s.h.i.+pping in the area must pa.s.s. Deployed at the mouth of the Gulf, the Guards were in place to control or disrupt the flow of oil to the world. The idea of going on this trip with Kazem excited me because it presented an excellent opportunity to gather intelligence for the CIA.

Bandar 'Abbas also served as the hub from which personnel and military equipment were secretly transferred in large old fis.h.i.+ng boats to the Guards' naval bases on the islands in the Strait of Hormuz. They also used other old s.h.i.+ps to transfer arms from international waters into Iran.

During the course of our stay there, we witnessed large-scale training of the forces and talked to many commanders about the buildup. Guards were training thousands of smaller units as divers and missile launchers along with the regular forces, who were trained on smaller boats designed for maneuverability in the Persian Gulf. As we moved from one base to another along the coast, we saw that the Guards' surveillance units kept an eye on every s.h.i.+p from the time it entered the Gulf through the Strait of Hormuz all the way up to the ports of Iraq.

We also witnessed the training of Guards naval forces. They attacked dummy enemy s.h.i.+ps with hundreds of smaller boats. It became clear to me that the intention was to build an unconventional navy. The Guards knew their current s.h.i.+ps could be destroyed in a matter of hours in any conflict with the U.S., but hundreds of smaller units armed with missiles could pose a serious problem for any ent.i.ty on the water.

After a tiring day-trip to the Qeshm and Abu Musa islands, Kazem and I fell into our beds at the base. Kazem was on the top bunk bed and I was on the bottom. Though I was exhausted, I had trouble sleeping because of the heat and humidity. A soggy breeze wafted through the torn drapes of the barracks, carrying the salty scent of the ocean and the soothing slapping of the waves. The sounds and smells of nature at peace might have lulled me at another time in my life, but this was not nearly enough now. Instead, this evidence of nature's purity reminded me how far from pure our ambitions were in my country. I wondered if my reports to the CIA would change any of this, though I was less than certain. I blew out a deep breath as I sank into my thoughts.

As I did, Kazem bent over my bed. "Reza, are you awake? Are you okay?"

I hated that I couldn't express despair in private when I was at work-even in the middle of the night. "It is so hot, Kazem. I can't sleep. How can you sleep with this humidity?"

"I am not sleepy. I was just thinking and wondering about where life is going to take us. You know, Reza, sometimes I wonder how we could defeat America. I believe that our Imam Mahdi will reappear and bring justice to the world and put an end to these sinful evildoers. But I wonder if I will be there when it happens. Could I have the honor of serving under his leaders.h.i.+p and witnessing this victory?"

The belief in the eventual reappearance of the s.h.i.+te's twelfth Imam, Mahdi, brings much excitement to s.h.i.+tes. I always thought we were meant to interpret the promise of Mahdi's reappearance as an allegory. However, Kazem-and the many others who thought like him-believed that a human being, even a holy one like the last s.h.i.+te Imam, could hide in a hole for hundreds of years and then come back to lead Khomeini's movement, bring justice and fairness to the entire world, and provide hope for divine change.

"Do you know this hadith about Imam Mahdi by the prophet Mohammad?" Kazem asked. "It says: 'During the last times, my people will be afflicted with terrible and unprecedented calamities and misfortunes from their rulers, so much so that this vast earth will appear small to them. Persecution and injustice will engulf the earth. The believers will find no shelter to seek refuge from these tortures and injustices. At such a time, G.o.d will raise from my progeny a man who will establish peace and justice on this earth in the same way as it had been filled with injustice and distress.'"

"Of course I know the hadith!" I lied. "You know, Kazem, I sometimes wonder myself. But then I think about how you and I ended up being here, sharing a belief, our commitment to Islam, and about how our destiny and faith kept us so close together. We are achieving a lot under Imam Khomeini's guidance and leaders.h.i.+p. I strongly believe we both will be honored to serve under Imam Mahdi's leaders.h.i.+p, inshallah inshallah."

I was thankful for the darkness because it was difficult to believe that my expression wouldn't have betrayed me as an impostor when those words came from my mouth.

"Reza, you are an a.s.set to this nation and you should know how much respect I have for you. I've wanted to say something to you for a long time; I wish that Naser had chosen another path. I wish he had been more like you. I pray for him often, you know. I pray that G.o.d forgives his sins."

I wondered why Kazem was bringing up Naser's name now, since he hadn't said a word about him since he told me about our friend's execution. It made me cringe to think that Kazem wished Naser had been more like me. Did that mean he wished that Naser were a liar and someone who needed to hide behind his own shadow?

"We all suffer for our ignorance," Kazem continued. "G.o.d is divine and Islam is our guidance. If we ignore the truth, Jahanam Jahanam is where we end up. Now you better get to sleep. We've had a very long day today." is where we end up. Now you better get to sleep. We've had a very long day today."

There was Kazem's philosophy in a nutsh.e.l.l: true believers like radical Muslims who kill in G.o.d's name go to heaven, and people who question the authority of the mullahs and fight for their rights go to h.e.l.l. If Kazem thought I could sleep with that concept in my head, he was even more deluded than I realized.

The night was long and sleep completely eluded me. A warm breeze forced itself through the drapes, reminding me of the drapes in my room at Grandma's house. She used to push them away in the morning, asking me if I had done my morning prayer. "Grandma, I will do it later," I would say, to which she would respond, "My dear, if you skip your prayers you go to Jahanam Jahanam. You don't want to end up in the fire of h.e.l.l with snakes and scorpions around you. Do your namaz namaz and be good and you will go to heaven." The path to heaven she described seemed as much of a fantasy as the one Kazem envisioned. In either case, the question for me remained the same: Was there a place in heaven for those who betrayed? and be good and you will go to heaven." The path to heaven she described seemed as much of a fantasy as the one Kazem envisioned. In either case, the question for me remained the same: Was there a place in heaven for those who betrayed?

After two weeks in the Gulf, we returned home to a life that had the veneer of normalcy even at a time of war. I felt the trip had been successful for two reasons. First, I'd gathered a wealth of information. And second, though I felt more like an impostor than ever, spending so much time with Kazem had created the illusion of closeness. I'm sure in his clouded eyes he saw this as a stretch that equaled the true brotherhood of our youth.

In my study, before listening for my next message from Carol, I wrote another letter. Then I started to decode the latest signals.

h.e.l.lo, Wally,We need to change the mailing address for your letters.No concern; just routine procedure.From now on mail to:51 X Street, Apt. 112LondonBe safe,Carol I could not understand why they needed to change this address. Had there been a security breach or was this as routine as Carol suggested in her message? If there had been a breach, would they hide it from me so I would continue to work? Would they try to help me and my family get out if I'd been exposed? My thoughts became frantic for several long minutes until I calmed myself. I had to trust them or I would drive myself crazy and make unfixable mistakes. There were good reasons for them to take the precautions they were taking. Using one location for a long period made our correspondence easier to discover. I had to believe this.

The next day, Rahim summoned me to his office. When I arrived, he rushed in behind me, closed the door, and sat behind his desk.

"Bes.h.i.+n, Baradar," he said, commanding me to sit down. he said, commanding me to sit down.

I did as ordered. He opened a drawer, grabbed a folder, and slid it toward me. Before I could read the bold words on it, he covered them with his chubby hands and slid the folder back toward himself. He tapped his fingers on the folder with his left hand while he reached into his breast pocket with the other for his reading gla.s.ses.

"I have some doc.u.ments here that I need you to translate for me."

He pushed the folder toward me again. The bold letters, N-A-T-O, did not register with me right away, but when I opened the folder and saw pictures and descriptions of heavy military machinery, I realized the folder contained secret doc.u.ments. I could not believe that NATO members were offering various types of military equipment to the Revolutionary Guards, turning their backs on the U.S. arms embargo on Iran.

"Do you want me to translate the whole thing for you, Baradar Rahim?" I asked.

"No, no. That has been taken care of. I am just interested in certain equipment."

Apparently, the Guards had already arranged for a sizeable purchase. We went over details for an hour or so with Rahim growing increasingly excited about the machinery we'd been able to acquire. Rahim took notes. I did as well, in my head.

[Letter #-]

[Date: ---]

Dear Carol,1-Got your message. Please confirm receipt. I hope I have the new address right.2-Today, in Rahim's office, I was asked to translate doc.u.ments from a folder containing pictures and descriptions of heavy machinery to be used at the front. "NATO" was written on top of the folder. Some of the machinery is used to make bunkers and others are to carry heavy equipment and tanks.3-Rahim said the Revolutionary Guards were going to place an order and some of the equipment will originate from England and Germany.4-Kazem told me that the Guards have set up R & D to produce chemical weapons and are making progress on weaponizing mustard gas. This effort has been cleared by the leaders.h.i.+p to counter Saddam's use of chemical weapons.5-I am to be sent back to the front in a few weeks. I will keep you informed on the date.

Wally I was nervous about the prospect of making another trip to the front. So many people were dying there and I felt that the risks increased for me every time I went. Little did I know that I would face an even greater risk before then.

19.

SUSPICIONS.

THE NEXT DAY, I took the report I wrote for Carol along with several other pieces of mail to the mailbox. On my way to make my drop, I felt sure someone was watching. I rechecked the mail before inserting it through the slot, allowing me time to take in my environment. A man dressed in khakis and a long-sleeve s.h.i.+rt was eyeing me from the other side of the street. I caught his gaze for an instant, and he didn't acknowledge my presence in any way. For some reason, this made me more nervous than if he'd started chasing after me. My heart was beating fast, so I took a deep breath and walked a couple of blocks as I usually did before catching a cab. I watched vigilantly to see if the man would follow me. He crossed the street near the mailbox, but then just stayed there. Wanting to get away as quickly as I could, I hailed a pa.s.sing cab, getting off a few blocks from my office to see if anyone else was following. I took the report I wrote for Carol along with several other pieces of mail to the mailbox. On my way to make my drop, I felt sure someone was watching. I rechecked the mail before inserting it through the slot, allowing me time to take in my environment. A man dressed in khakis and a long-sleeve s.h.i.+rt was eyeing me from the other side of the street. I caught his gaze for an instant, and he didn't acknowledge my presence in any way. For some reason, this made me more nervous than if he'd started chasing after me. My heart was beating fast, so I took a deep breath and walked a couple of blocks as I usually did before catching a cab. I watched vigilantly to see if the man would follow me. He crossed the street near the mailbox, but then just stayed there. Wanting to get away as quickly as I could, I hailed a pa.s.sing cab, getting off a few blocks from my office to see if anyone else was following.

Fortunately, I didn't notice anyone. I spent an extra minute surveying the area, then rushed inside our office building. A few pasdar pasdar were waiting to catch the elevator in the hallway. I didn't feel like engaging anyone at that moment, so I kept my head down and hurried to the end of the corridor to the stairs. I took two steps at a time up to my fourth-floor office, and when I got there, I was short of breath. I shut the office door and held my face in my hands, rubbing my eyes. The experience had unnerved me. The fact that the man in khakis stopped by the mailbox was scary. If he found my letter to Carol and knew how to decode it, he would find out that I'd written it. The level of detail in that report would verify that I was Wally. I realized that it had been ridiculous of me to continue the mail drop when I knew I was being watched, and I beat myself up over this. were waiting to catch the elevator in the hallway. I didn't feel like engaging anyone at that moment, so I kept my head down and hurried to the end of the corridor to the stairs. I took two steps at a time up to my fourth-floor office, and when I got there, I was short of breath. I shut the office door and held my face in my hands, rubbing my eyes. The experience had unnerved me. The fact that the man in khakis stopped by the mailbox was scary. If he found my letter to Carol and knew how to decode it, he would find out that I'd written it. The level of detail in that report would verify that I was Wally. I realized that it had been ridiculous of me to continue the mail drop when I knew I was being watched, and I beat myself up over this.

What was done was done, though. I tried to calm down and rea.s.sure myself that I was being paranoid. No one would be able to decode my letter. Only the CIA could do that.

I blew a deep breath and opened my eyes.

And the sight of Javad-sitting in my chair behind my desk-jolted me.

"Salam, Baradar," he said, snickering and getting up from my desk. "You look exhausted. Did you jog to work today?" Baradar," he said, snickering and getting up from my desk. "You look exhausted. Did you jog to work today?"

I tried to maintain my composure and stay grounded. "What are you doing in my office?" I didn't want to sound confrontational, so I softened my tone. "Is everything okay, Baradar Javad?"

"Yes, everything is okay. But you seem upset," he said sarcastically.

He clearly had a purpose for being here, but he was not forthcoming about it. Scanning the room, he selected a new chair while motioning me to sit. He leaned forward, stared at me, and didn't move.

I knew he was up to something; he usually was. His body language was aggressive and his gaze was intimidating, even though he wasn't doing anything outwardly confrontational. Despite his sitting, he managed to use his size-more chubby than imposing-to menace.

Akbar, a friend of his, a member of our department and someone who was a good source of mine with a number of contacts in the Foreign Ministry, had told me that Javad was meddling in everyone's business and that he kept a file on everyone, even though this was beyond his job a.s.signment. I had already experienced his intrusions several times and I had written Carol over my concerns about him. Akbar told me that Javad used the information he gathered to ingratiate himself with his superiors and to gain more power.

Javad was the youngest of three brothers. The oldest brother had been martyred in the war fighting the Iraqis. The middle brother was paralyzed from a childhood disease. Javad took care of his surviving brother and helped his parents, who were still living in poverty. He'd been rising quickly through the ranks in the Intelligence Unit, primarily because of his devotion to the Islamic government and his willingness to sell out his family members and neighbors. He'd recently arranged for the arrest of a man who lived in his neighborhood whose only crime was whispering to a neighbor about the lack of freedom for his daughters while waiting in a line at a grocery store to exchange his food coupons for some sugar and rice.

"What brings you here, Baradar Baradar?" I asked again.

"I am planning on visiting an old friend, Abba.s.s, at the Intelligence Headquarters. He studied abroad, just like you. I think he also lived in California for some time. I told him I would bring you along to meet him. Maybe you know each other."

"Today?"

"Yeah. I checked your schedule with Rahim and he said you are pretty open."

This caught me off guard and ratcheted up my sense of apprehension. Javad was definitely up to something. Was the man I saw this morning somehow connected to this? I did not know what to say or how to react.

"Is that a problem?" Javad's voice had turned threatening. He still hadn't moved.

I scrambled for an explanation. "Omid, my son, is sick. My wife wants me to go to the doctor with her." I felt a little relief as I came up with this story. "Do we need to go today?"

"Yes, we do," he said tersely. "Abba.s.s is a very busy man. This is the only time he can see us. I hope your son feels better soon, inshallah inshallah. I'll be in my office. Meet me there in half an hour."

Javad stood up slowly, uncoiling, looking as though he were considering devouring me. I felt naked and vulnerable.

Without another word, he left.

I went immediately to Kazem's office. As complicated as our relations.h.i.+p had become, at least in my eyes, and as much as I felt he'd turned into someone very different from the boy I grew up with, I still saw him as a safe harbor. We had a long and deep history together, and that had to mean something. I felt in desperate need of that safe harbor now, so I needed to talk to him. I also wanted him to know that if I didn't come back, I'd left the grounds with Javad.

Kazem was on the phone, as usual. I didn't hear what he was saying, nor was it my intention to eavesdrop this time.

"What's up, Reza?" he asked as soon as he hung up.

"Not much. I just came to say hi. I am going with Javad to the Intelligence Headquarters. He wants me to meet somebody there."

"He does? Who does he want you to meet?"

"I don't know, some friend of his named Abba.s.s, who apparently went to school in California."

"Hmm."

Kazem's expression showed that this was new information to him. I realized quickly that I wasn't going to accomplish much with this conversation. Kazem couldn't offer me any kind of security this time. By all indications, he knew nothing of what was going on.

"I should be going," I said. "He's waiting for me. By the way, Baradar Rahim said he would give you the details for our trip to jebheh jebheh. Let me know when you have them."

In the hallway, I ran into Rahim myself. "Salam, Baradar Rahim." Baradar Rahim."

"Salam, Baradar Reza. Javad was looking for you this morning. Did you talk to him?" Baradar Reza. Javad was looking for you this morning. Did you talk to him?"

"Yes."

"He checked to see how busy you were today, saying he wanted to take you out for lunch or something. Could you come to my office when you get back? I need your help with my computer. It's acting up again."

It appeared to me that whatever Javad's plan was, it was not coming from my department, as neither Rahim nor Kazem seemed aware of it. That offered me no solace. Regardless of who knew what was going on, Javad could be ushering me to my doom within the hour.

I needed to talk to Somaya. If Javad's intentions were as sinister as I suspected, I wanted to hear her voice one more time. As soon as I got back to my office, I hesitantly dialed our home number, not sure how I could explain a call like this. Realizing I was only going to make Somaya worried, I decided to hang up. But before I could, Somaya answered.

"Somaya jon, jon, it's me," I said as I tried to work my way through a lie. "I just ran into my commander and he said there might be a need for several of us to be sent to the fronts right away." it's me," I said as I tried to work my way through a lie. "I just ran into my commander and he said there might be a need for several of us to be sent to the fronts right away."

Somaya gasped. "Is there going to be a major offensive or something?" She sounded frightened and I felt horrible that I was doing that to her. I didn't intend to scare her, but I had to give her something to hold on to in case the worst happened to me.

"Oh, no. Rahim just wants me and a few other guards to be ready for ... Hold on a moment. ..." I felt somebody was lurking outside of my office. I slowly put the handset on the desk and opened the door. But I did not see anybody. I looked down the hallway, and when I was certain that n.o.body was around, I shut the door and picked up the phone.

"I love you, Somaya," I said, still not knowing what to tell her. I'd called her so impulsively that I didn't think things through.

"Reza, you are making me so worried. Is everything okay? You are being very strange. You never call me in the middle of the day. What's wrong?"

What if this were the last time I heard her voice? What if Javad and the guy in the khaki pants I saw this morning were decoding my letter at this moment? What if I never saw my son again? These thoughts consumed me and I couldn't speak.

"And I love you, too," she said after a long pause from me.

In that moment, I realized that all of my strength came from her love. Even as worried as I was now, having such a pure, innocent being in my life brought me joy. "Would you promise me something?" I asked.

"If you insist," she responded with a hint of irony in her voice.