Not Just Friends Part 8

The unfaithful partner often becomes impatient with having to prove trustworthiness and says, "Either you trust me, or you don't." I tell my couples that trust is not a light switch that is turned on or off. It is more like a dimmer switch that gradually goes from dark to bright.

If you are the unfaithful partner, try to imagine receiving a second bad check from the same person who bounced a check the previous week. You accepted that second check only after being rea.s.sured: "Trust me. This check is definitely good." When that same person hands you yet another check, your first task is to call the bank yourself to see if there are sufficient funds. Even if the third check does turn out to be good, you will be calling the bank for a long time before you feel confident about cas.h.i.+ng future checks.

- Let it go: At some point, the betrayed partner does have to hang up the detective gear. If persistent hypervigilance endures beyond a year despite investigations that corroborate truthfulness, the cause may be unresolved trust issues from previous relations.h.i.+ps. On the other hand, I have learned that the instincts of the betrayed spouse are surprisingly accurate in detecting further signs of deception after the initial disclosure. Suspicions of continued involvement might be justified, but if detective work becomes a new lifetime career because your partner keeps deceiving you, you need to either let go and accept that you are married to a philanderer or find a new partner.

New Crises Let's say that the conditions for recovery are optimum: the affair is ended, the couple has committed to working through the issues, and both partners are actively seeking to create safety and goodwill. They are spending time together with compa.s.sion, laughter, and heart-to-heart honesty. Still, other shoes are going to drop. Most couples experience relapses and new crises, especially in the early stages of recovery. No matter how well you may be working together as a couple, the behavior of the affair partner, which is not under your control, can also provoke a crisis.

Making the transition from less openness and more lies to more openness and fewer lies will generate new information about previous deceptions. This new information will reverberate painfully until it has been absorbed. When something happens that shatters your fragile new stability into a million pieces, you feel as if you are right back where you started. Realizing that new crises and relapses are part of the territory may allow you to keep these upsetting backslides in perspective.

Uncovering Previous Lies Crises come in many forms. Bob took comfort in his belief that his wife genuinely cared about the business they were building together, even if she had indulged in a temporary s.e.xual infatuation with another man. When he discovered an e-mail message she had written to her lover that belittled his business ac.u.men, he was crushed.

Sometimes what comes to light is more than revealing messages written under the influence of s.e.xual pa.s.sion. Sometimes betrayed partners discover elaborate premeditated and hurtful deceptions. The unfaithful partner needs to validate the facts and empathize with the pain of these new revelations. Couples who handle these crises together are more likely to stay together.

Two months after she found out that her husband, Ken, had been taking his a.s.sistant with him to out-of-town conventions, Kris was feeling pretty good about the progress they were making in repairing the damage to their marriage. Then one day, for no particular reason, she began thinking about a conference he had supposedly attended six months earlier. She remembered it because he had missed their older son's birthday in order to attend. After doing some careful checking, she put two and two together and discovered that the conference flyer he had shown her had been a fake. He had really spent the weekend at a resort with his lover. It took several weeks for them to resolve the pain created by the revelation of his incredible trickery. However, his remorse went a long way toward helping their recovery.

Surviving Special Occasions Family life is knit together with rituals and celebrations. Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, graduations, and deaths can provoke crises when they occur before the couple has rebuilt a united front. Having to put on a smiling face in front of others while still feeling unsettled is very unsettling. Putting on the facade of a committed couple when the commitment is unstable is destabilizing.

We connect with those closest to us when we raise a gla.s.s or applaud the honoree. And, consciously or not, we tend to compare and contrast how this year compares to last: How do I feel now in contrast to how I antic.i.p.ated I would be feeling? Any disappointment or discontinuity tends to get magnified at such times, and we end up feeling worse than if it were just an ordinary day.

Major events in the life cycle, such as anniversaries and family celebrations, can be planned for concretely. Talking together about realistic expectations and potential sources of further damage is the key. Six weeks after Karen learned about Karl's affair with his paralegal, their daughter got engaged. They had planned to invite his partners and office staff to the wedding, but his affair partner still worked for the law firm. Karen couldn't bear the thought of her husband's lover, Britney, being present for their daughter's wedding vows. Karl didn't want to incite office gossip by deliberately omitting her from the guest list. After many tears and angry words, the wedding crisis was resolved by limiting the guest list to Karl's law partners.

Handling the Affair Partner's Intrusions Perhaps the greatest source of crisis is an unplanned encounter with the affair partner. Six months after Ralph and Rachel made the decision to stay together and work on their marriage, they ran into Lara at the mall, and he waved h.e.l.lo to her when she smiled at him. Rachel was furious, especially when Ralph said he didn't want to appear rude by completely ignoring her overture. They didn't talk for two days. They both felt misunderstood, and they perceived each other as insensitive. When the wall of silence came down, they agreed on a plan for future encounters. If they ever ran into Lara again, Rachel would be the one to wave h.e.l.lo while Ralph held Rachel's other hand. Similarly, if a couple knows that the affair partner will be present at a social event they must attend, they can discuss ahead of time how best to demonstrate polite but firm solidarity as a couple.

Often, as the bond between the couple grows stronger, affair partners will ecalate their campaign of sabotage. They may make hara.s.sing or self-disclosing phone calls to the betrayed spouse, relentlessly pursue their former lover, or threaten suicide. It is extremely important that the involved partner not handle the affair partner unilaterally. It must be clear to the affair partner that there will be no continuation of a secret relations.h.i.+p and that the married lover is committed to the marriage. The betrayed partner must not blame his or her spouse for the affair partner's behavior. In fact, escalating intrusions can be perceived as acts of desperation by the affair partner because the affair is truly over.

After the involved partner has said clearly and forcefully that the affair is over, there is very little the couple can do to control the affair partner's behavior. But they can manage intrusions together by creating a united front for dealing with the affair partner. Telephone calls can be screened with caller ID or answering machines. Many couples decide to change to an unlisted phone number. In extreme cases, some couples have had to get a restraining order against hara.s.sment by the ex-lover. A smart strategy is to refuse all contact, respond only when you are together, and share all information around any unavoidable encounters.

Relapses Setbacks are inevitable, so it is important not to confuse a lapse or relapse with a state of total collapse. A lapse is a little slip with a quick recovery, and a relapse is a regression to a prior state of distress followed by a slow recovery. In contrast, a collapse is complete disintegration with little hope of recovery.

Recovery depends on a genuine desire to change, an ability to empathize, and the capacity to exercise self-control. Relapses happen when people under stress get tired, discouraged, fearful, or simply lose focus and revert to previous unconscious patterns. Essentially, they are communications or interactions that go awry. Sooner or later, the betrayed partner will react with bitterness, sarcasm, or blaming to something the involved partner has honestly shared. Inevitably, at some point, the involved partner won't have the patience to endure one more hysterical outburst. Without meaning to, one or the other will have a poor response and set off a chain reaction of emotional explosions.

Triggers for Relapses In the early months of recovery, relapses frequently occur when things seem to be going especially well. It might seem that there is always a terrible storm or argument after a wonderful night of lovemaking. Emotional and physical intimacy are contingent on letting down walls and taking the risk of being vulnerable. Baring your body and soul may be followed by doubt and self-recrimination. Distancing, fighting, or hateful inquisitions inexplicably appear after intimacy awakens anxiety. These defensive maneuvers serve to create a protective s.h.i.+eld.

Relapses can also be triggered by familiar traits that were tolerated before but are no longer acceptable because they evoke fears of further betrayal. Ken had always been a bit flirtatious, and Kris had perceived it as a sign of his warm, friendly personality. However, after his affair, she was easily provoked if he bantered in a joking manner with other women. Every dinner in a restaurant with an attractive waitress became a battleground where they were armed for conflicting roles of attack and defend. Finally, Ken was willing to examine his behavior through Kris's eyes to prevent the continuous relapses. He learned to be more businesslike with female clerks and other service stiff, and Kris learned to show her appreciation over his restraint.

Coping with Relapses Because it is impossible to avoid relapses, it makes sense to try to understand them when they occur. In the heat of the moment, you can strive for early recognition that you have gotten off track. Then you can short-circuit a chain reaction by suggesting that you both calm down first. After you have some distance, you can discuss the relapse as a source of information about areas in your relations.h.i.+p that need further work. The resulting discussion is an opportunity for the two of you to practice compa.s.sionate communication, as described in Chapter 7.

Ask yourselves "What just happened?" and "What can we do differently in the future?" Productive discussions can bring you farther along the road to recovery than if the relapse had never happened. Att.i.tude is everything. If you and your partner are prepared for these retro moments, you will not be derailed by them.

How to Take Care of Yourself To cope with continuing traumatic reactions, it is important to take care of yourself in the best way you can. Living with continuous stress can lower your immune system and make you more vulnerable to illness. Invigorating mental and physical activities will help to offset the negative impact of traumatic reactions on your health. If your everyday habits are anch.o.r.ed in healthy choices, healing is easier.

Reactivate Fulfilling Activities Being active is one of the best antidotes for both the jitters and the blues. Schedule satisfying activities back into your life. Some of these activities can be done together, and some of them need to be done apart. One overwrought wife decided to take piano lessons again as a way to focus her attention and lay out a program of personal accomplishment that would help her regain some sense of self-esteem. One errant husband decided to start swimming laps again, both for the physical benefits and the emotional benefits of time alone to grieve the loss of his lover.

Laughter enhances the immune system by increasing natural killer cells.6 Watch comedies that tickle your funny bone instead of action movies that make you tense. Energize your weak inner battery by getting involved in a special project that will energize you with its own momentum. If you are too emotionally exhausted for something active, listen to some music that gives you a sense of well-being. Watch comedies that tickle your funny bone instead of action movies that make you tense. Energize your weak inner battery by getting involved in a special project that will energize you with its own momentum. If you are too emotionally exhausted for something active, listen to some music that gives you a sense of well-being.

Look Out for Your Physical Health As far as physical health is concerned, the advice your mother gave you regarding sleep, food, and exercise still stands. Be sure to get enough sleep; sleep deprivation leads to irritability and depressed mood. Some people are tempted to escape through overeating, overdrinking, oversmoking, or overusing drugs. These behaviors compound bad experiences and make them worse. Exercise, eat nutriously, and partic.i.p.ate in centering activities such as meditation or yoga. You will maximize the personal resources you need to meet the challenges you are facing.

When you take care of your body, you have the added benefit of taking care of your mind and your emotions, because mind and body are really different aspects of the same organic system. In the process, you improve your mood, boost your confidence, and restore your personal resources.

Look Out for Your Mental Health Almost everyone going through this difficult experience needs time alone to integrate what has happened and begin to mend. You may need more support than you can provide for yourself. Talking to a therapist can give you a safe place to work through your individual and relations.h.i.+p issues. However, it may not be possible to work on relations.h.i.+p issues until both partners are more stable. Both betrayed partners and involved partners may need antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication to cope with their overwhelming emotions.

Consider seeking help from a licensed mental health professional if: - Your ability to function in daily life is seriously compromised.

- Your discussions with your partner are explosive with accusations and avoidance.

- The intimacy in your relations.h.i.+p is markedly decreasing as time goes on.

- One or both of you is still ambivalent about whether you want to work on the relations.h.i.+p.

- Either of you is homicidal or suicidal.

So far, we have been working on feeling the feelings and establis.h.i.+ng a certain degree of stability. In the midst of coping with debilitating post-traumatic reactions are glimmers of returning to an ordinary life. Taking care of the business of work and family, following daily routines, and creating some pleasure to offset the pain is an important part of trauma recovery.

The next chapter suggests ways to enhance your relations.h.i.+p and foster hope through caring and compa.s.sionate communication. These relations.h.i.+p-enhancing suggestions are effective for all couples, even those who haven't suffered from an infidelity.

7.

REPAIRING THE COUPLE AND BUILDING GOODWILL.

I feel more hopeful about our relations.h.i.+p when we are being nicer to each other. Sometimes things seem back to normal. And sometimes it's even better than normal.

IN THE MIDST of all the pain you've been experiencing, a safe harbor and a glimmer of hope will emerge. From this calm, sheltered place you and your partner will be able to experience more comfort and pleasure in each other's company than you have for some time. At first, these small islands of pleasure will be interspersed unevenly over the troubled waters, but gradually you can use them to build bridges of good faith and goodwill. To do the hard work ahead of exploring the meaning of the infidelity, you will need to build a foundation of commitment, caring, and compa.s.sionate communication. of all the pain you've been experiencing, a safe harbor and a glimmer of hope will emerge. From this calm, sheltered place you and your partner will be able to experience more comfort and pleasure in each other's company than you have for some time. At first, these small islands of pleasure will be interspersed unevenly over the troubled waters, but gradually you can use them to build bridges of good faith and goodwill. To do the hard work ahead of exploring the meaning of the infidelity, you will need to build a foundation of commitment, caring, and compa.s.sionate communication.

If you are reluctant to initiate caring with someone who has disappointed you so much, you can focus instead on giving to the relations.h.i.+p. Every time you do something good for your partner, you are doing something good for yourself by making the relations.h.i.+p the benefactor of your giving. Don't wait for your partner to make the first move.

To give up now would be like buying high and selling low. Even if you're still not sure whether the marriage can be saved, you shouldn't make your decision based on the lowest point in your relations.h.i.+p. Being the best partner you know how to be will maximize the potential. Then, if there is still too great a gap between what you achieve together and what you expect, you can leave with the knowledge that you have truly given it your best.

You can start making specific repairs to your relations.h.i.+p that will help each of you to feel more connected. It may have been days, months, or even years since you felt good together. Experiencing some kindness and caring in each other's company enhances your chances of rebuilding a satisfying life together. You owe it to yourselves to see how good your marriage can be. You and your partner can work together to create a healing atmosphere that is calm, where information can be shared and where caring begins to bind you together again. Even in this early stage of rebuilding, blame and jealousy can disappear as kindness, consistency, and honesty come to characterize the way you interact.

Repair 1: Getting Back to Normal First, you can reclaim the couple who used to look forward to time alone together. Some couples may recall how much better things were just a short time ago-before the affair. Others may have to go back many years to a time before the children were born or before their careers took over their lives.

In the midst of chaos, you have to get back to your normal routines and responsibilities. You can begin to bridge the gap between you by collaborating on household decisions. Scheduling family time and couple time is preferable to leaving it up to chance. Planning recreational activities with friends, children, and extended family can solidify your bond. Begin and end each day by sharing information about scheduled activities, daily frustrations, and simple achievements. For example, in the movie The Story of Us, the family played the game "high-low" at the dinner table every night. The parents and the children each talked about the high and low points of their day. This is a wonderful way to create a sense of shared experiences.

Take Time Out for Fun and Companions.h.i.+p One of the first steps in getting back to normal is to increase your enjoyment in each other's company. You are more likely to feel connected when you laugh and have fun together. One husband talked about what it was like to engage his wife in a game of Ping-Pong after the trauma of his affair. "She picked up a paddle and I picked up a paddle, and all of a sudden we were back playing the kind of stupid games we used to play when we were younger. We started laughing and being silly, and I realized how good it could be between us. That was the moment when I knew I could never leave her for another woman."

How long has it been since you planned time together just for fun or for a romantic date? Bring back the activities you used to enjoy doing together. Put fun and companions.h.i.+p back into your life. Set aside time for movie dates, but don't pick anything too heavy. As a matter of fact, screen the content first, so you won't end up reliving your infidelity on the silver screen. Athletic activities, such as tennis, biking, or working out at the gym, provide structured time together when you use up some of your negative energy and come out feeling renewed.

Or just go out for a bite to eat. If you are still in crisis, don't ruin your time out with gut-wrenching conversations. Make your meal together a true time out. Stick to mundane discussions, superficial pleasantries, or intellectual sharing about current events or interesting tidbits that you've read or heard. If it feels too awkward to be alone together, create a buffer by asking along another couple who are comfortable and easy to be with.

Make Love, Not War Renewing your s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p may be a natural, spontaneous act born out of intense feelings. On the other hand, one of you may feel dead s.e.xually. Perhaps you alternate between these two extremes. The bottom line is to respect the feelings of whoever is not yet ready for prime time s.e.x. Do find out what kind of touch or affection your reluctant or uninterested partner would be willing to accept, such as holding hands or goodbye/h.e.l.lo hugs at the front door. Back rubs and foot ma.s.sages can be a good way to break the ice and achieve some mutual relaxation.

Recall Your Past Together Remember what it was like when things were better. One way you can begin to foster positive feelings is by reexamining what perceptions and expectations you had for yourselves in the beginning of your relations.h.i.+p, during courts.h.i.+p. Look at your wedding video and talk about what attracted you to each other. I have been touched many times by the visible transformation that couples go through when they begin talking about how they met and what it was like to be falling in love with each other. Even if they had come into my office hurt, angry, alienated, and hopeless, when they start talking about memories, what it was like before things got bad and what it was like when they wanted to be together for the rest of their lives, they create strong images and positive feelings of connection.

Recount for yourselves examples of productive, caring interactions you've had with each other in the past. To make it safe to explore your past together, though, avoid comparing your glorious past with your miserable present: you don't want remembering to become a chronicle of how much you've lost. Ethan and Ellie recalled how they had felt on the same wavelength during their courts.h.i.+p because of their partic.i.p.ation in political activism. Now he was working feverishly to get ahead in his law practice while she felt overwhelmed by three preschoolers. His affair was a wake-up call for them to make more time for intellectually exciting, mutual interests.

Use the past as a beacon to highlight the activities you used to enjoy. Paula and Peter used to go hiking and biking all over the Appalachians before their daughter, Penny, was born. When Penny was small, they took her along in a child carrier. But after their move to New England, they gradually drifted apart as Paula's time during the week was devoted to the Parent-Teacher a.s.sociation at Penny's school and Peter took up golf on weekends. After Paula's affair with a single parent from the school, they realized how their separate activities had created a relations.h.i.+p vacuum. They joined the Sierra Club and started enjoying new friends and outdoor activities together.

Dream about Your Future Together Look ahead to the future. Think about what your lives together could be like in five years, after you have healed from this trauma. You have so many life events to enjoy together in the future, such as graduations, weddings, grandchildren, and retirement. You have worked hard and struggled through the rough times. Don't give up on your investment before you reap the rewards of your labor.

Work together on the immediate future by asking yourselves the solution-oriented "miracle question": If you woke up tomorrow morning and a miracle had occurred while you were sleeping, what would your relations.h.i.+p look like? What would each of you be doing differently? What would your friends, children, and other family members notice about the way you treat each other?1

According to research by Fran d.i.c.kson, couples who were happily married for fifty years had a common vision about how they dreamed their life together would be.2

I tell couples that they are not only more likely to stay married but to be happily married if they dream together and plan for their future.

Repair 2: Fostering Positive Exchanges Every marriage maintains a reservoir of goodwill, a metaphorical line of credit, against which expenditures can be made when needed. Infidelity often bankrupts this joint a.s.set. For a while at least, the relations.h.i.+p balance is in the red. The shock of discovery and its aftermath create large debits, and new credits are few and far between. As soon as you can, though, start making caring deposits that you will be able to draw on during this crisis of deficit spending.

It is not surprising that the betrayed partner feels some jealousy about the time and romance that have been stolen from the marriage or that the involved partner misses the attention and romantic feelings of the affair. Just a few caring gestures will begin to establish the same kind of positive energy in the marriage that were present in the affair. The relations.h.i.+p needs real, tangible solidity that can be built on. The betrayed partner will see that the involved partner has taken steps to walk back into the marriage. And the involved partner will feel hopeful about experiencing the good feelings that were evident in the affair.

The responsibility for building up your joint a.s.sets falls on both of you. The betrayed partner shouldn't have to do all of the work so the involved partner will stick around, and the involved partner shouldn't have to make up for the betrayal by doing all of the work. Invest in your relations.h.i.+p now without keeping a tally of who does what. Tell yourself, "It's time for me to concentrate on fixing us." This may go against your gut feeling that you don't want to extend yourself first. You may be thinking: "All this caring stuff makes sense, but only if you take the first step. I don't want to take a chance getting too close." Or you may be resistant to receiving caring from your partner. Maybe accepting acts of goodwill feels too much like forgiving the betrayal.

Don't make the mistake of choosing righteousness over happiness, although the impulse to do so is understandable.3 If you are serious about making your marriage better, within a few weeks you must begin gradually to soften toward giving and receiving tokens of affection and caring. Caring behaviors are an important way to intensify feelings and strengthen the broken connection. Your mutual commitment and hopefulness will increase through the kind of targeted caring that provides what your partner most wishes to receive. Your emotional link to each other will be directly proportional to how many positive exchanges you share with each other. If you are serious about making your marriage better, within a few weeks you must begin gradually to soften toward giving and receiving tokens of affection and caring. Caring behaviors are an important way to intensify feelings and strengthen the broken connection. Your mutual commitment and hopefulness will increase through the kind of targeted caring that provides what your partner most wishes to receive. Your emotional link to each other will be directly proportional to how many positive exchanges you share with each other.

In his extensive research with more than 2,000 couples, psychologist John Gottman found that satisfied couples were those who maintained a ratio of five positive moments for every one negative moment, even if the couple was conflict-habituated or conflict-avoidant.4

Ways of Caring There are so many ways to show you care. Once caring becomes your intention and your approach, you will find many ways to demonstrate in both tangible and intangible ways that your partner's goodwill, health, and comfort are your concern. You will get back to the core of your emotional bond by being caring, doing caring things, and welcoming the caring that your partner initiates.

The security needs of the injured partner may conflict with the autonomy needs of the involved partner. Caring is shown by recognizing and accommodating these opposing wishes. The caring behaviors of the involved partner can focus on making the injured partner feel less anxious and more secure. Caring behaviors by the injured partner can focus on curtailing actions that might feel smothering. Acts of mutual sensitivity include the involved partner calling home if he or she is going to be late and the injured partner supporting autonomous activities such as working out at the gym.

Little Things Mean a Lot When it comes to caring, small gestures can have big consequences. Turning the steering wheel of a s.h.i.+p just one degree to the right carries the s.h.i.+p miles away from the original destination. Nonverbal behaviors such as smiling eyes and a warm touch on the shoulder are powerful resources to steer your relations.h.i.+p back on course. Positive verbal expressions such as using an endearing nickname can help to rekindle old feelings.

- Show caring through body language and affectionate gestures. Sometimes reaching out for each other in simple gestures does more to repair the connection than words can. You can hold hands in the movie theater, speak in a gentle voice, and cuddle up in bed.

- Show caring by expressing concern and understanding for each other. Listen willingly to each other's pain. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is allow each other some s.p.a.ce. Knowing when to be quiet and let things be as they are for a moment is a healing and, sometimes, a heroic act.

- Show caring by performing tasks that show consideration. What a treat it is to have a partner who brings you a cup of coffee and the paper in bed on Sunday morning or who supports your family by handling the arrangements for your sister's visit. Driving the carpool to and from soccer practice gives your partner a much-needed break from the kids and shows respect for your partner's contribution to the family.

Bull's-eye Caring Bull's-eye caring is when you hit the target right in the center.5 Too often, our efforts don't hit the right spot with our partner. Task-oriented individuals who love it when their partner cleans out the garage are usually not inclined to initiate the emotionally expressive caring that their partner may desire. Most people give what they wish to receive, rather than what the other person really desires. All this time, you may have been giving not what your partner wants but what you want. Too often, our efforts don't hit the right spot with our partner. Task-oriented individuals who love it when their partner cleans out the garage are usually not inclined to initiate the emotionally expressive caring that their partner may desire. Most people give what they wish to receive, rather than what the other person really desires. All this time, you may have been giving not what your partner wants but what you want.

I noticed this principle operating in my own life. For example, I like to get affection, so I give lots of hugs. My husband is more task-oriented, so he straightens up the kitchen on weekends and saves me the morning paper each weekday. Finally, I figured out that he would be more impressed by my actions than my expressions of affection. So, to celebrate his birthday, I went out and had my car washed as one of my gifts to him because he couldn't stand how dirty it was. He expressed his appreciation with a hug instead of buying me a year's subscription to the car wash.

s.h.i.+rley's Golden Rule of Giving is "Give unto others as others like to give unto you." Caring involves giving in the domain that has meaning for the other person, not just in the domain we prefer or are comfortable with. This is why the traditional Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," frequently doesn't work when it comes to caring actions or gift giving.

Stacy complained to me that her husband always gave her a jacket for her birthday and Christmas, when what she really wanted was jewelry. He had given her a leather jacket and a fur jacket; she had given him a chain bracelet and a watch. I suggested that she pull a reverse: ask him to give her jewelry and plan to give him a jacket. To make it easy for her husband, she gave him a list of ten kinds of jewelry at different price levels that she would be thrilled to receive. She figured a range of options would keep an element of suspense. When he looked at the list, he said in surprise, "But this is all jewelry." It had never occurred to him that this was what she really wanted.

When I saw her after Christmas, Stacy told me, "He just loved his leather jacket." And she was thrilled to show me her new gold watch. Then she added with a smile, "But he also got me a jean jacket."

Express Appreciation The best way I know to get a positive cycle going is to respond to any kind of positive behavior with appreciation. Unfortunately, people tend to react more immediately to negatives than to positives. For example, when you do something mean to me, I tend to react immediately in a negative way. In contrast, when you do something nice for me, I may think "Gee that's nice," but it doesn't have the same immediate effect. Because the negative is more powerful, you need to counteract negative messages by using affirming words and gestures as often as you can.

Give Positive Feedback for Positive Mirroring It's hard for a long-term marriage to compete with the positive mirroring that went on during the affair. In the affair, unfaithful partners love the way they look when they see themselves reflected in their lovers' eyes. After the revelation of infidelity, they may be consciously avoiding the eyes of the betrayed partner because they are uncomfortable with the tarnished image that is reflected back. The betrayed partner also misses the adoring glances of yesteryear. Both partners long to feel special again. One way to polish the mirror in your marriage is to consciously show appreciation and give compliments.

When you approach your partner and see the appreciation in your partner's eyes, that is positive mirroring. When your partner approaches you and sees caring and affection reflected back, that is also positive mirroring. In a relations.h.i.+p that is working well, both people experience an increase in self-esteem and self-confidence because the other person is sending signals that say "You are a special person." "You are lovable." "You deserve my respect."

In the aftermath of infidelity, both partners have trouble sending positive signals to the other. When they approach each other, they reflect mutual disillusionment. Bert told me the thing he regretted most after his affair was losing the way his wife, Betty, used to look at him with such s.h.i.+ning eyes. Betty was equally sad that Bert had tumbled off his pedestal. She had been his most ardent supporter, and, for his part, he had always valued her opinions. They realized it would take time to rebuild their mutual admiration society. When Bert wholeheartedly supported her desire to attend graduate school, Betty knew they had taken a major step forward in restoring her vision of him as her "knight in s.h.i.+ning armor."

Give Credit Where Credit Is Due Learn to give credit when your partner makes an attempt to connect or to repair. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say "At work and with my friends I can do no wrong. At home I can do no right."

Be alert to the caring things your partner does for you each day and share your appreciation. Recounting moments of caring rewards effort and fires the enthusiasm for continuing to do nice things. Somehow, most people easily recall their own acts of caring but appear to have a memory lapse when asked to recall what kinds of caring they have received. Try to end each day with at least one gesture of appreciation.

Designate one week each month us "family appreciation week." Each day, each family member tells everyone else in the family something he or she appreciates. Schmaltz it up and have fun with it. Thank the children for was.h.i.+ng their hands before dinner. Encourage them to thank their siblings for pa.s.sing the salt. Thank your spouse for small gestures and taken-for-granted tasks, such as taking out the trash or putting the laundry away.

Enhancing Mutual Appreciation and Bull's-eye Caring When people get a chance to hear how they are appreciated, they are often quite moved and goodwill is enhanced all around. The purpose of the following two exercises is to let your partner know what things you appreciate or would like to see more often as a part of your daily life together.

Privately, fill out both forms, "What Pleases Me about You?" and "The Newlywed Game," before you follow the instructions about how to share your responses.6 Exercise: What Pleases Me about You?

This exercise is a proven way for you and your partner to create an opportunity for positive mirroring.

List ten things that you appreciate about your partner. These could be actions that are pleasing to you when your partner does them, or specifics about the kind of person your partner is that pleases you-either in the past or in the present. name what pleases you, even if it is a rare occurrence. Be positive and specific.

Example: I really like it when you give me a compliment about how I look.

Now, before proceeding to the Instructions for Sharing (below), go to the next page and fill out the Guess List Guess List and the and the Wish List Wish List for the Newlywed Game. Then come back and continue with the Instructions for Sharing "What Pleases Me About You." for the Newlywed Game. Then come back and continue with the Instructions for Sharing "What Pleases Me About You."

Instructions for Sharing "What Pleases Me about You"

Sit down facing each other. Alternate turns by going back and forth and sharing one item at a time. Avoid negative comparisons about the way it used to be before the affair. As you share each entry, you can say why that particular behavior or personal characteristic is significant, or you can relate a specific example that ill.u.s.trates your point. Elaborating on each point makes this exercise much more meaningful.

- Share the significance: One husband told his wife that one of the things that pleased him was that she took a shower every day. She responded incredulously by saving, "You must have really sc.r.a.ped the bottom of the barrel for that one." He explained that in the family he grew up in, people had poor personal hygiene and he was ashamed to bring his friends over. He added, "It means so much to me that you always look and smell so clean." Unless we know the full meaning of the appreciation, we don't know the significance. One husband told his wife that one of the things that pleased him was that she took a shower every day. She responded incredulously by saving, "You must have really sc.r.a.ped the bottom of the barrel for that one." He explained that in the family he grew up in, people had poor personal hygiene and he was ashamed to bring his friends over. He added, "It means so much to me that you always look and smell so clean." Unless we know the full meaning of the appreciation, we don't know the significance.

- Share an example: One betrayed wife told her husband that she appreciated that he was a good father to their children. He accepted her compliment without much feeling. However, he was touched when she described how it warmed her heart to see how patient he was when helping their hyperactive son with his homework. Neither of them had received much attention from their own parents, so his nurturing behaviors with the kids created positive mirroring. Incidentally, she wisely inhibited the impulse to say, "You're a great father, but you've been a terrible husband." One betrayed wife told her husband that she appreciated that he was a good father to their children. He accepted her compliment without much feeling. However, he was touched when she described how it warmed her heart to see how patient he was when helping their hyperactive son with his homework. Neither of them had received much attention from their own parents, so his nurturing behaviors with the kids created positive mirroring. Incidentally, she wisely inhibited the impulse to say, "You're a great father, but you've been a terrible husband."

Exercise: The Newlywed Game In the TV show called The Newlywed Game, newlyweds had to guess what their new spouse would say in response to certain questions. It was really a test of how well they knew their partner, and it's fun to play. You will see how well you know your partner's wishes. You'll be comparing your guesses about what your partner wants from you with your partner's actual wish list.

A. Guess List List five specific things that you believe your partner would appreciate if you did them. Be positive and specific. For example, "You want me to give you a hug when I walk in the door" instead of "You don't want me to ignore you when I come home." Do not refer to the infidelity.

B. Wish List List five specific things you would appreciate if your partner did them. Be positive and specific. Don't refer to the infidelity. For example, do not request "I want to be able to trust you" or "I want you to stop asking me questions about my lover."

Instructions 1. You read one item from your Guess List.

2. Your partner tells you whether you have a match with one of the items on his or her Wish List. Continue comparing all your guesses with items on your partner's Wish List.

3. Now it's your partner's turn to compare his or her Guess List with your Wish List, and you tell them whether or not they have a match.

4. After both of you finish reading your Guess Lists, share any of the items on the Wish Lists that were missed or guessed incorrectly.