Not Just Friends Part 7

- Unwilling to focus on the affair? Is your therapist uncomfortable with a betrayed partner's need to know the details of the affair? You can recognize this problem if your therapist makes such remarks as "Talking about the affair is a way to avoid talking about the real problems" "Obsessing about the affair is a sign of severe emotional problems" "Forget about the past."

In Peggy Vaughan's on-line survey, 57 percent of betrayed spouses said that their therapy was mostly frustrating because the counselor focused on general marital problems instead of dealing directly with issues about the affair.

- Blaming rather than understanding? Is your therapist attacking the involved partner rather than gaining insight by exploring the vulnerabilities for the infidelity? Or does your therapist blame the injured spouse for causing the infidelity (this is like blaming rape victims for the a.s.sault). Therapists who blame the betrayed partner can be recognized by statements such as "Surely you must have known all along about the affair and just turned your head the other way" "How did you manage to convey that you wanted your partner to have an affair?"

- Impatient? Resolving ambivalence and rebuilding after infidelity takes many months. Therapists who are ready to call it quits too soon are not giving you the benefit of time. They can be recognized by statements such as "You should leave if you're only working on it for the sake of the children" "You should end the marriage if you're not in love anymore" "Leave if your needs aren't being met at home."

In my clinical sample, couples who stayed in therapy for more than ten sessions had a much better chance of staying together than couples who terminated therapy earlier.

If the ideas in this book are helpful to you, you can discuss them with your therapist and find out whether he or she subscribes to the trauma recovery model presented here. You can find a list of helpful books, Web sites, and support groups in the Appendix.

Picking Up the Pieces It may feel as if this is the last chapter of your marriage, but it could very well be the middle one, especially if you continue working on your relations.h.i.+p. Your challenge during the next year is to put the pieces back together again, but not into the same pattern. A marriage that has endured an affair is like a cracked vase: When the crack is repaired, the superglue makes it stronger than before, but you will always be able to see evidence of the crack.

The heart of ambivalence for the betrayed partner is Can I ever trust you again? For both partners, it is Will we ever have what we had before? Although I agree that a crucial goal in recovery is to restore trust, I believe the second question is the wrong question. I do not want you simply to have what you had before: I want your relations.h.i.+p to be different from what it was. I want you to be stronger, individually and together, without the vulnerabilities that created the conditions for the affair in the first place.

Living with ambivalence for a period of time is terribly unsettling, but it's worth remembering that new circ.u.mstances allow for new opportunities. As many couples have discovered, new feelings and new behaviors can emerge out of the chaos that ensues from an affair. A crisis of uncertainty often provides fertile ground for new growth and redevelopment.

In my experience, time is almost always on the side of the marriage if both spouses are patient. Wait at least three months, and try to be hopeful, even when the immediate situation is ambiguous and unresolved. Dealing with the fallout from infidelity should lead to either a better marriage or an unavoidable divorce.

Look for progress from week to week instead of from moment to moment. Setbacks and relapses are common at this stage. Let things play out. You are still dealing with the shock of disclosure and all the traumatic reactions that follow. If you've both decided you want to try starting over, try not to make any final decisions until you've gone through the process described in the rest of this book.

Although Mollie wanted very much to save her marriage, she lost hope when she once again caught Melvin e-mailing Kayla, one of his Internet sweethearts. Melvin said he loved Mollie, but he couldn't seem to stop his on-line romances. Even when their son won a basketball scholars.h.i.+p to college and Melvin realized that Mollie was the only one who could truly share his joy, he still couldn't stop thinking about his e-lover, although his commitment to Mollie was strengthened by this epiphany.

Mollie finally came to the end of her rope when she discovered that he had purchased airline tickets to meet Kayla. Melvin panicked when Mollie told him to pack his bags permanently. He then vowed to stay off the computer except for strictly business activities, and he gave Mollie his pa.s.sword so she could verify that he was being true to his word. Melvin then called Kayla on the telephone with Mollie in the room and told her that the on-line relations.h.i.+p was over for good because he loved his wife. Kayla contacted him a few times after that, and he noticed how self-absorbed she was. He shared these contacts openly with Mollie, who felt hopeful because of his honesty and obvious loyalty to her.

Once you have decided to stay together to try to make your marriage work, you can follow a proven pathway. In the next two chapters specific suggestions for how to begin your recovery process will guide you in coping with post-traumatic reactions together. As you attempt to resume normal activities, I encourage you to share some pleasurable activities that will help you counterbalance the pain.

6.

HOW TO COPE WITH OBSESSING AND FLASHBACKS.

I couldn't go to movies or listen to love songs. Everything became a reminder of how I had been betrayed.

TRAGICALLY, TERRORIST attacks within the continental United States have given all Americans a more intimate understanding of what it means to be traumatized. Immediately after the bombings of the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, people were obsessed with the radio, the TV, and the newspaper. Eventually, most people stopped being consumed by it, but their lives were irrevocably changed; although they have resumed normal activities, any new threat can quickly put them back into a crisis mode. attacks within the continental United States have given all Americans a more intimate understanding of what it means to be traumatized. Immediately after the bombings of the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, people were obsessed with the radio, the TV, and the newspaper. Eventually, most people stopped being consumed by it, but their lives were irrevocably changed; although they have resumed normal activities, any new threat can quickly put them back into a crisis mode.

Post-traumatic reactions can last for days, months, and even years. Although not all traumas are the same, the symptoms of trauma are recognizably consistent. Traumatized partners who are recovering from an unthinkable betrayal by a loved one have an obsessive need to hear the story in its most intricate details. Their hypervigilance about monitoring their environment and watching their partner with scrutinizing eyes comes from the realistic fear of further wounding. Flashbacks are triggered by minimal cues that echo the moment of their personal devastation. Coping strategies require a balance between validating these reactions and trying to contain and manage them.

In Chapter 4 we discussed the immediate aftermath of an affair when it is revealed to the betrayed partner. In this chapter, we discuss how to cope with the long-term reactions and the crises that continue to erupt for weeks and even months afterward.

Post-traumatic reactions are particularly severe when they result from the betrayal of important relations.h.i.+ps, according to Dr. Judith Herman, a trauma expert.1 This was vividly brought home to me by Wilma, a psychologist friend of mine who experienced two traumatic events within a short time. Wilma was accosted in her car at a red light in midtown Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C., by a man who opened her car door, straddled the driver's seat, and pointed a gun at her head. Wilma screamed, and when the light turned green, he jumped out and took her purse. As terrifying as this had been, Wilma said that she recovered from this event more easily than an unantic.i.p.ated betrayal at work when her colleagues, whom she respected and liked, turned against her. This was vividly brought home to me by Wilma, a psychologist friend of mine who experienced two traumatic events within a short time. Wilma was accosted in her car at a red light in midtown Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C., by a man who opened her car door, straddled the driver's seat, and pointed a gun at her head. Wilma screamed, and when the light turned green, he jumped out and took her purse. As terrifying as this had been, Wilma said that she recovered from this event more easily than an unantic.i.p.ated betrayal at work when her colleagues, whom she respected and liked, turned against her.

The betrayal of a close relations.h.i.+p has long-lasting effects that make recovery difficult. Wilma felt she could protect herself in the future by making sure her car door was locked; she was much less sure about being able to protect herself from the backstabbing of ambitious colleagues she had trusted. She was distressed at how little control she seemed to have over her emotions and couldn't believe how long it took to get over it.

Know that it's normal to feel disoriented and confused. Most likely, neither you nor your partner is crazy, and these crazy feelings will not last forever. One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of danger. On the other hand, involved partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know that they are the source of such intense pain.

For as long as the first year after revelation, the betrayed partner may have distressing mental, physical, and emotional swings. You may be thinking that you are doing everything right: You're talking more often, and the affair has ended. Why aren't you over these feelings? It's normal to be having these traumatic reactions and they will diminish, but only gradually. First, their frequency will decline; second, how long they last will decline. The intensity of the symptoms is the last thing to go, so it can feel as if you are backsliding despite other signs of progress.

Post-traumatic reactions cl.u.s.ter into three categories: intrusion, constriction, and hyperarousal. These reactions are formally diagnosed as a post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) if the threat was physical or life-threatening and if these symptoms last longer than one month.2 However, betrayed partners whose psychological safety is threatened by infidelity commonly display these same cl.u.s.ters of symptoms, and the symptoms can occur over a long period of time. In the following sections, I describe the post-traumatic reactions you may experience and ways you can cope with them. However, betrayed partners whose psychological safety is threatened by infidelity commonly display these same cl.u.s.ters of symptoms, and the symptoms can occur over a long period of time. In the following sections, I describe the post-traumatic reactions you may experience and ways you can cope with them.

Intrusion Intrusion comes from the traumatic images a.s.sociated with betrayal, such as the moment of disclosure, the suspected intimacies in the affair, or the string of lies preceding the disclosure. You reexperience the psychological distress of the traumatic event when memories, dreams, or flashbacks intrude. TV talk shows, love songs, or even ordinary physical objects that were benign before the revelation now seem electrified with the pain of betrayal. Lovemaking scenes in movies may create vivid images of illicit s.e.x. Words spoken in a patriotic speech, such as "loyalty," can trigger a whole train of intrusive thoughts regarding the treachery in the marriage.

Obsessing Betrayed partners cannot seem to stop obsessing about the affair until they have all the answers, which can take months. They turn over lies and unanswered questions incessantly in their heads. They develop fixations on visual images, snippets of conversation, and puzzling memories that don't quite add up. They invest a lot of energy in discovering the truth about earlier lies. They question and reexamine all the details of their life together that made perfect sense before, in an effort to reconstruct the real truth.

Reviewing History The betrayed partner begins to sort out the jigsaw puzzle of past lies into a clear picture of the deception. Forgetting feels dangerous. The entire history of the marriage is reviewed while grappling with shattered a.s.sumptions. Elsa had to reconstruct twenty years of her married life after learning about her husband's affair on the same day as her twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.

Elsa discovered that her husband, Elliott, had been involved with other women since the birth of their first child. One incident she recalled was a weekend many years earlier when she and Elliott had gone to the beach with another couple. On Sunday morning Elliott said he was going out to get a newspaper. He was gone all morning. Three hours into his absence, their friends asked Elsa if she was worried that he had been gone so long. She told them he often did this kind of thing. Basically, he was antisocial and needed time alone; he was probably out driving around somewhere listening to music on the car radio. She had come to accept his idiosyncrasies. But when she discovered that he had been unfaithful, she had to undo all her psychological rationalizations and reconstruct past events in a radically new light.

Intrusive Thinking The need to recapitulate and go over minute details means that the tape of the betrayal runs over and over on and on, seemingly forever-a continuous loop of details cycling through memory again and again. Belinda found it difficult to work through the damage of her husband's one-year love affair. She was obsessed with a love letter she had intercepted. Although he claimed he wasn't emotionally involved with the other woman, the pa.s.sionate and loving language told a different story. The poetry, which Belinda hadn't heard from him for many years, haunted her. It was as though Belinda wanted to make more pain for herself by contrasting how romantic he was with his affair partner with how unromantic he was with her. Every time she talked with her husband, his rea.s.surances sounded false and hollow. For a very long time, Belinda's reality was that love letter.

Suppressors versus Obsessors It is generally the rule that at times of emotional stress women tend to obsess and men tend to suppress It's the contrast between the individual (usually the man) who says, "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it," and the individual (usually the woman) who asks, "What's on the way to the bridge? What's the bridge built of? What's on the other side?" Ruminators a.n.a.lyze and rea.n.a.lyze and talk about upsetting events, whereas suppressors tell themselves not to think about it. However, when it comes to affairs, the unfaithful partner suppresses and the betrayed partner obsesses, regardless of gender.

To escape accountability, the involved partner may promote forgetting by denying or minimizing the magnitude of the betrayal. Before discovery, cheating partners do what they can to discourage or dismiss their naive partner's worries or suspicions. Now they may try to perpetuate their own guiltlessness by making routine apologies, claiming that the affair was minor or meaningless, redirecting blame toward the betrayed partner, or insisting that it's time to get over it and move on. Anything to avoid having to recount guilty chapter and verse.

Cameron was quite distressed by all the time he spent reliving the crisis of his wife's betrayal with his business partner. He would be doing something quite ordinary, such as mowing the lawn or listening to music, and all of a sudden he would start thinking about an upsetting scene or conversation. Even though he knew that calling it to mind was reopening the wound, he couldn't help following the mental trail back to his wife's lies. Sure enough, once there, he revisited all his intense feelings of outrage and humiliation. For several months, physical contact with her, even when she was tender and wholly present with him, made him vulnerable to distressing thoughts about her s.e.xual actions with her lover. While Cameron was obsessing, his wife became exhausted by his preoccupation with the infidelity.

Secrecy fuels obsessing. Although unfaithful partners would prefer to put the topic of the affair in a locked box, they too can experience intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. They can become obsessed with thoughts of the affair partner or the unmasking of their secret lives. Because secrecy fuels obsession, obsessive thoughts about the lover are intensified by refusing to discuss the affair. Sharing information about the affair allows both partners to let go.

Rejection fuels obsessing. Affair partners who have been jilted can also become obsessed. They may engage in hang-up phone calls, constant e-mail messages, and drop-in visits at the home or workplace of their lover. It is hard for them to accept that something that seemed so special could really be over. A cold but clear message from the still married partner is necessary to end this one-sided pa.s.sionate attachment that keeps all three partic.i.p.ants from moving on with their lives. Everyone in the extramarital triangle will be stuck in the past until the affair is clearly over.

How to Deal with Obsessive Thoughts It is important to understand that obsessive thinking isn't a pathological response to trauma. It is a normal response. Until you take steps to grapple with shattered a.s.sumptions and construct a story about the affair that makes sense to you, you will be p.r.o.ne to obsessing. In other words, obsessive thoughts may intrude throughout the process of recovery until healing is complete, although they tend to subside as safety and openness are established in the marriage.

When obsessive thoughts are too intense or intrusive, it is important to be able to control them. Following are some techniques that have worked for others.

Write Down Your Thoughts Writing provides an outlet that helps you "let go," at least for a while. You don't need to clutter up your brain with all these troubling details after you commit them to paper and pen. Writing provides a safe way to express and explore thoughts and feelings without concern about the effect they may have on other people. Give yourself permission to write uncensored thoughts and follow your obsessions to the point of exhaustion. Along the way, you can gain new insights, clarify your own point of view, identify issues you want to follow up on, and uncover new strengths-all in privacy and with freedom.

- Keep a journal: When you start to obsess about the infidelity, you can enhance the healing process by expressing your deepest thoughts and feelings in a personal journal. You can write at a regular time or whenever the mood strikes you. You can use the computer, an old-fas.h.i.+oned bound diary, or a plain spiral notebook. You can write as a spectator of these events in the reflective mode of the third person or as a cathartic expression in the first person.

People who keep journals about their traumatic experiences enhance their immune system through increased T-cell production and report fewer doctor visits and better physical health.

- Write letters: You can write to your partner or to the affair partner without monitoring your words. Just let the feelings flow out of you onto the paper. Then put the letter away for a day or two and read it to yourself. Do not send it immediately. You can edit the nasty or damaging parts out of it before you decide whether or not to send it. Your partner can read your letter without being affected by the tone of your voice or the impulse to interrupt you. Caution: Do not send anything to the affair partner without the support and input of your spouse. Caution: Do not send anything to the affair partner without the support and input of your spouse.

- Write questions: Every time you start to obsess over unanswered questions about the affair, write them down. Keep them in a safe place. When you and your partner are communicating with understanding and without blaming, you can let him or her see your list of questions. Your partner can choose which ones to answer right away and which ones need to be deferred until you've established more stability and caring together.

Control Your Thoughts You can control your obsessional thoughts through several different techniques, such as limiting yourself to specific times of day, distracting yourself with other thoughts, or telling yourself to shut it out of your mind.

- Schedule worry times: You can discipline yourself to worry or fret only during certain designated times of the day and for a specific amount of time, from fifteen minutes to one hour. During this time, deliberately revisit any of the disturbing images, memories, or thoughts about the betrayal. Confining yourself in this way will keep your anxiety from contaminating every part of your life. Choose a quiet place to obsess before or after breakfast, lunch, and dinner and possibly before bedtime as well. If a thought intrudes at any other time, tell yourself that you can't think about it now: you have to wait until your next scheduled "worry time." As time goes on, you will be able to cut down on the number of worry sessions and the length of each session.

- Change the channel: Imagine a remote control inside your mind that can surf from channel to channel. Whenever you're invaded by unwanted images, switch to another program. If the past is too contaminated, focus on some future event you are looking forward to, or picture your children doing something that makes you laugh or that warms your heart. In the same way that you quickly move past TV programs that are repugnant, you can take control of your inner thoughts and lock out disturbing channels.

- Practice thought-stopping: Rona Subotnik and Gloria Harris suggest using the technique of thought-stopping to cope with obsessive thoughts about infidelity. The moment a negative thought or image begins to intrude, try this technique. It is particularly helpful if obsessive imagining of s.e.xual scenes is a problem. Here are several versions: Shut your eyes and tell yourself subvocally to "stop" intrusive thoughts or images.Imagine a red stop sign and think of the word "stop."Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it.Press your fingernails into the palms of your hand.4 Flashbacks Obsessive thoughts can be controlled, at least to some extent, but flashbacks are involuntary, vivid images that unexpectedly recreate traumatic moments. They can involve sight, sound, smell, or physical sensations. I treated one young woman, Nellie, who had walked onto the porch where her best friend, Ina, had just been murdered by a jealous boyfriend. Years later, Nellie could not figure out why any touch on her shoulder immediately took her back into the feelings of horror she had experienced at the murder scene. She had no conscious recollection of how this was connected to her trauma. Eventually, Nellie recalled under hypnosis how the boy who had killed Ina had then pulled Nellie off the porch and into the neighboring woods by grasping her shoulder.

Flashbacks can be triggered by any cue that has been connected with the infidelity, whether the cue is conscious or not. Flashbacks are distressing because they occur spontaneously, without warning. For the traumatized person, ordinary life is a minefield of explosive triggers. And triggers can be anything: the smell of burning leaves in the fall, getting a busy signal on the cell phone, or sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner (when, two years earlier, he had gone out to pick up ice cream and didn't come back for three hours). Riding past a restaurant where the lovers ate can bring on waves of panic and trembling.

When you have a flashback, it doesn't matter that the truth is known and that things are back on track; you go through it again, almost as it for the first time. One night, Colleen woke up at midnight and realized that her husband hadn't come to bed yet. She got up and found a light s.h.i.+ning under the closed door of his computer room. She tried the door, but it was locked. Even though she totally believed that her husband's Internet affair was over and that he was working on his computer project for work, the locked door sent her into a panic. It triggered a flashback to the nights when he used to lock himself in the study at 3:00 A.M. A.M. and indulge in s.e.xual affairs on-line. Like others who experience flashbacks, on this night Colleen experienced the physical symptoms that accompanied the original trauma. Even though she knew his shenanigans were over, she endured the same sense of fear, panic, and rage. and indulge in s.e.xual affairs on-line. Like others who experience flashbacks, on this night Colleen experienced the physical symptoms that accompanied the original trauma. Even though she knew his shenanigans were over, she endured the same sense of fear, panic, and rage.

Either partner can have flashbacks. Vicky kept flas.h.i.+ng back to the moment when her husband knocked on the door of her hotel room and exposed her intercontinental tryst. When she was reminded of that event, she felt as if her heart were jumping out of her ribcage, as though the knock were just happening. As upsetting as they may be, you have to expect that sudden flashbacks will be a normal part of your experience.

How to Cope with Flashbacks The involuntary nature of flashbacks can be frustrating to both partners. When they occur like a bolt out of the blue during a period of progress and goodwill, it is natural to feel discouraged, as if the uncontrollable emotions will never end. If, however, you notice that you aren't having them as often or that you recover more quickly, you can consider this a sign of progress instead of backsliding. You will know that healing is nearly complete when flashbacks are twinges rather than painful reexperiences.

There are approaches for coping with flashbacks alone or with your partner. These will help the unfaithful partner learn how to be a healer and the betrayed partner become active in self-healing.

- Face flashbacks together: During therapy, couples receive flashback training based on the compa.s.sionate communication skills that are described in the next chapter. The essential lesson is for the betrayed partner to learn how to share flashbacks without blaming and for the unfaithful spouse to empathize and listen. Let's witness the same scene in two takes (just as in the movies). In "Take 1" you'll see what it sounds like when people are just beginning to grapple with flashbacks. "Take 2" shows what it sounds like after successful coaching.

Take 1Betrayed Partner: I can't even watch TV anymore because of what you did!

Involved Partner: I told you not to watch TV. You twist everything into this. Why can't you just put it behind you and get over it? You always ruin everything.Take 2Betrayed Partner: I cried all morning because a TV program brought back all kinds of memories. I could sure use a hug.

Involved Partner: I'm really sorry that you're feeling so much pain. I know it's going to take time for you to get over this. Let me hold you until you feel better.

As you can see, flashbacks can provide an opportunity to share the pain and emotionally join in a healing process. The unfaithful partner can take on the role of healer by empathizing verbally and offering physical comfort.

- Predict flashbacks: Couples can learn to predict situations that could evoke flashbacks and talk about how they can handle them together. One strategy is to "write over" the memories with reparative experiences. One woman told me that she had experienced a flashback the year before, when she sat down to watch the Miss America pageant on television. In retrospect, she realized that she had been watching the pageant alone on the night she got a call from her husband's affair partner. This year, she wanted to detoxify her poisonous a.s.sociations and keep from catapulting back into that crisis. She could have chosen to avoid the program, but instead, she asked her husband to sit next to her and watch it with her. When she told him why, he understood and held her hand during the program. Next year, she thinks, there will be no problem.

- Avoid flashbacks: Because flashbacks are involuntary reactions that are stimulated by reminders of the trauma, you can learn to avoid situations that are likely to trigger them. Yvette's husband added miles to his daily commute to avoid the city park where she used to go for walks with her affair partner. Even the name of the urban square was upsetting to him, and he saw no reason to revisit his pain every day to and from work. Trauma experts Diana and Louis Everstine caution that after a traumatic event, "The concept of immediately getting back on the horse that threw you is an example of folk wisdom that can cause harm."5 - Ride the wave: Sometimes flashbacks are unavoidable. Once a flashback begins, you should not try to block it. Trying to stop the process could intensify it. Say to yourself, "This is just a flashback. It will pa.s.s." If you stand up to a wave while you're in the ocean, you're liable to get knocked down by its force. Riding the wave will move you safely along toward the sh.o.r.eline.

Over time, as your recovery progresses, flashbacks do begin to wane. They occur less often as safety is restored. But an unexpected cue, such as seeing the affair partner in public, can still trigger a flashback many years after the traumatic event.

Constriction Inhibiting thoughts, feelings, and activities that are a.s.sociated with the traumatic event are signs of constriction. Some traumatized individuals describe feeling numb, show no interest in normal activities, and are detached from other people. Many betrayed individuals vacillate between intrusive thoughts and excessive emotionality on the one hand and constrictive symptoms of avoidance and withdrawal on the other. Although constriction is more prevalent during the early period of suspicion, when the cues that something is wrong are denied, it can definitely occur after the infidelity has been exposed.

Exhaustion caused by preoccupation with the betrayal can lead to a state of not wanting to think about it, hear about it, or talk about it. After all the high drama, emotional constriction sounds like a relief: not to feel anything, not to care. But this is usually a temporary state. I tell people, "First you get numb, and then you bleed."

When Adam learned about Amy's two-year affair with another man, he reacted with almost no perceptible emotion. He was inexplicably calm and uninterested. He didn't want to hear anything about it; he didn't want to confront the evidence that his wife had had other s.e.xual liaisons, including one on the Internet. In addition to avoiding direct knowledge of the infidelity, Adam exhibited another sign of constriction by gradually pulling away from other people in his life. He stopped playing golf with his buddies, withdrew from his children, and made excuses not to socialize with people he used to enjoy. Even those who didn't know him very well noticed that he seemed out of it. He didn't laugh much or express enthusiasm for the things that once gave him pleasure. He was an empty sh.e.l.l, like a war refugee.

Betrayed spouses who appear inexplicably calm after disclosure, who express no feelings, ask no questions, and display almost no emotion are probably numb. This may be a protective coping strategy for events that are too intense or painful to bear, but recovery from infidelity depends on the active involvement of the betrayed partner. During the recovery process, the emotionally constricted betrayed partner gradually thaws out and heats up as the details of the betrayal are integrated into a new reality. This process of emotional integration hurts in the same way that frozen hands ache unbearably as they warm.

Numbing is an adaptive mechanism to survive unbearable pain. Knowing that it usually doesn't last is rea.s.suring. The antidote to numbing is allowing yourself to feel and to verbalize your feelings because feeling the feelings is the first step in trauma recovery. Accepting your partner's feelings is another necessary step for the relations.h.i.+p to flourish. It's not hard to understand why the involved partner may be reluctant to hasten this warming process. However, attempting to freeze the betrayed partner's feelings will shortcut the natural and painful process of healing.

Through individual and couple's counseling, Adam and Amy came to understand why he shut down at first and why it was important for him to start revving up again. At first, he even objected to the word "trauma" and denied that his wife's s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p with another man was really so painful. But as he reclaimed his feelings and acknowledged his hurt, he began to understand why he needed to be more involved in what had happened. He began to ask more questions about who his wife was and why she was unfaithful. Both he and Amy agreed that he needed to stop hiding his head in the sand for their marriage to survive.

The wife of a s.e.x addict became physically ill and refused to listen when her husband started to discuss his actions. His recovery from his addiction was impaired until she was able to accompany him on his journey toward inhibiting his impulses. They became closer than ever, and he was successful in remaining abstinent from promiscuous s.e.x.

Hyperarousal Long after the revelation of a betrayal, people remain supersensitive and superalert. The nervous system goes into overdrive, ready to react to any additional threat. The betrayed partner who is experiencing hyperarousal is like an automobile engine that is idling on high. Just as it takes one little tap on the gas pedal for rapid acceleration, it takes just one cue to increase the pulse and reactivate the sweat glands. Rational acts of self-preservation become exaggerated into irrational acts of overprotection. Double-checking the facts turns into a full-time preoccupation. Prudent watchfulness becomes paranoia.

Physiological Hyperarousal Reaction becomes overreaction. Disordered sleeping is common: falling asleep, staying asleep, or getting up in the morning may be difficult. Irritability, outbursts of anger, and difficulty concentrating are other symptoms of hyperarousal. Betrayed partners are easily startled by ringing telephones, dropped gla.s.ses, and the sounds of children shrieking happily.

Carolyn was still experiencing hyperreactions one month after she found out that her husband, Chas, was having an affair with Roxie, a friend from church. She was so anxious that she felt she was going to jump out of her skin. She had trouble falling asleep and then woke up in the middle of the night. In the morning, she was exhausted and didn't want to get out of bed. She had exaggerated startle reactions when the alarm clock buzzed or a door suddenly slammed shut.

Carolyn couldn't concentrate on anything for very long. Finally, she took a week off from work because she couldn't function adequately, and then she went back on a part-time basis for almost two months. The anti-anxiety medication prescribed by her family doctor deepened her depression, and she began to experience fleeting suicidal thoughts. Continuing therapy and a switch of medication to antidepressants helped stabilize her mood swings after a few weeks.

Your appet.i.te may be sharply affected. Although Carolyn had always been one of those people who habitually put on unwanted pounds during stressful times, she lost her appet.i.te completely. She said, "I've lost weight, but I don't feel thin. I just feel unwell." Anxiety over the potential loss of a secure relations.h.i.+p interferes in a negative way with the capacity to eat. I have seen individuals drop fifteen pounds in one month after they discovered their partner was unfaithful, although they had been unsuccessful with scores of weight-loss programs for many years.

Emotional Hyperarousal It is important to express emotions without being out of control. Rage and other intense feelings are common, but be careful not to add any more scar tissue. Words used as weapons have infinite power to wound. One man confessed that no amount of time or loving communication had been able to erase the memory of his wife's words when she found out about his affair: "She screamed unspeakable things. She told me that I had been a disappointment to her s.e.xually. She said she hadn't wanted to marry me in the first place." Although this couple decided to stay together and work on their marriage, the husband claims that his wife's words still echo repeatedly in his ears.

Imagine yourself hearing these words from the person you always thought was your dearest supporter and companion: "I never loved you" "You've never turned me on" "I've experienced things with my lover I will never experience with you!" And these are some of the less poisonous zingers people throw at each other.

Think about the extra wounds you'll both carry into the future when you hurl such insults at each other. Look for ways to hasten healing instead of continuing to rip off each other's scabs. If you are the involved partner, you can make a conscious effort to concentrate on the best aspects of the marriage and avoid the self-deceptions you've constructed during the affair to justify it. If you are the betrayed partner, you can avoid letting anger or despair distort the best qualities of the past relations.h.i.+p, so that the future isn't so bleak. If either of you feels the need to vent, find a therapist or trusted friend.

Replace hot, raging thoughts with cool, calming ones. Whenever you are overcome by the heat of angry thoughts, you can subst.i.tute cooler thoughts for the hot ones: HOT: How could he do this to me? I didn't deserve it. I was a good wife.COOL: This isn't about me. Even he admits I didn't do anything wrong. It's about his low self-esteem, and how vulnerable he was because he didn't get the promotion he was expecting.HOT: She promised she'd never speak to him again, and then she goes and betrays me today by talking to him at the bank.COOL: She didn't do it intentionally. She didn't know what to say when she ran into him unexpectedly. And the fact that she told me about it means she really is trying.

I don't believe it when people say they can't control their rage. Just suppose that in the middle of one of these tirades, your clergyman rings the doorbell or your child's teacher calls the house. You immediately lower your voice and talk politely. People give themselves permission to be out of control because they feel justified. You can choose to contain your anger. Develop methods of containing rage and despair through self-soothing techniques such as hot baths, ma.s.sage, meditation, and deep breathing.

Hypervigilance Hypervigilance is one of the most common manifestations of hyperarousal in traumatized individuals. Hypervigilance is an appropriate reaction to loss of safety. Watching for signs of further danger is an important survival technique. The hypervigilant cancer survivor perceives every twinge as a possible recurrence and insists on repeated lab tests and body scans for a.s.surance or confirmation. With a country on high alert after September 11, 2001, the Atlanta airport was shut down and 10,000 people were evacuated because a man ran up a down escalator to retrieve his lost camera.

In a similar way, betrayed partners who become unrelenting sleuths have turned their internal radar on high alert. They are bloodhounds running down the clues. Every scent of possible betrayal requires immediate investigation.

Olivia felt that she had somehow morphed from a relaxed, trusting person into a paranoid maniac. She hated Oren for having an affair with a customer and turning her into a suspicious person. She had always been comfortable with his staying out late working or playing poker with his friends. Now she was nagging him all the time, badgering him with questions, and double-checking his answers. His work, which had once been a source of mutual interest, was now a source of pain. Olivia couldn't bear to hear the simplest bit of news from his office, but not hearing about his work was worse. Not hearing aroused her suspicion that he was hiding something again.

Despite her wish to avoid the subject, Olivia avidly grilled Oren about every detail of his workday. Despite his complete and rational accountings, Olivia's doubts continued. After all, there were complete, rational accountings before and things weren't what they seemed. What if the explanations that appeared plausible and reasonable now were really all lies? Olivia had been in the room when her husband had called his affair partner on the phone to tell her it was over-and even then, she couldn't be sure. "Every time I call the office and you're not there, I freak out," she told him. "Every time you're fifteen minutes late, I'm convinced you're with her."

In this case, Olivia had good reason to believe Oren when he told her the affair was over. He had done everything possible to avoid communicating with the woman with whom he had been involved, including giving her sales account to one of his colleagues. Even so, Olivia had trouble staying convinced because the affair had been so intense and had gone on for two years. There were times when Oren could successfully rea.s.sure her about his deep remorse and his total dedication to their marriage, but these moments of security didn't last very long. Only after Oren had maintained a pattern of accountability and safety for eight months did Olivia begin to relax.

Imagine how much more hypervigilant a betrayed spouse is when there is uncertainty about whether the affair has really ended. When Jack confronted his wife, Joyce, about her affair with a man on her bowling team, she was apologetic. Joyce promised to end the affair if Jack would stay in the marriage, but she refused to take steps to distance herself from her affair partner. She wouldn't change teams, or ask her lover to join another team, or quit bowling altogether. Jack wanted to believe her protestations of devotion to their marriage, but Joyce's refusal to get the other man out of her life made him crazy. He wanted to know every detail of every minute she was out of the house and couldn't stomach anything having to do with the activity he a.s.sociated with his wife's infidelity.

Although vigilance in these uncertain situations is appropriate, unceasing hypervigilance can destroy the relations.h.i.+p it is intended to preserve. Unfaithful partners who are wrestling with their own ambivalence will be put off by their partner's exaggerated need to know "the facts." They will be worn out by their partner's extreme sensitivity to the suspicion that they are lying again.

How to Handle Hypervigilance Hypervigilance diminishes as the couple reestablishes some stability and security in their lives during the next months and years. Betrayed partners will remain on high alert until they are convinced that it is safe to trust again. But in the beginning there are shadows and strange noises everywhere. They find themselves on a strange road in the middle of the night with no map and no protection while the unfaithful partner is surviving his or her own version of Hades.

- Be accountable: Although extreme hypervigilance is not conducive to recovery, it is reasonable for the unfaithful partner to be accountable for his or her whereabouts. Straightforward answers will alleviate anxiety to such questions as "How do I know you're not going to leave the meeting early and be with her?" "Where did you meet your clients? Which restaurant? What did you order? How long did you stay there?" "When you were using the computer just now, did you write him another e-mail? Every time you use the computer, I panic." When Joyce came home from bowling, she became irritable that Jack was waiting up for her. She resented his desperate need for her to report in if she was going to be late. I explained to Joyce that it would be an act of kindness on her part to let Jack know where she was. It was cruel of her to add to his anxiety by refusing to rea.s.sure him. Just like the worried parents who can't sleep until their teenagers are safely home in bed, betrayed partners cannot let down their guard until they feel safe from further betrayal. When Joyce came home from bowling, she became irritable that Jack was waiting up for her. She resented his desperate need for her to report in if she was going to be late. I explained to Joyce that it would be an act of kindness on her part to let Jack know where she was. It was cruel of her to add to his anxiety by refusing to rea.s.sure him. Just like the worried parents who can't sleep until their teenagers are safely home in bed, betrayed partners cannot let down their guard until they feel safe from further betrayal.Separations for business or personal reasons can shake loose any newfound sense of security that may have been established. Because infidelities thrive on secrecy and opportunity, any time the unfaithful partner is out of reach, the injured person feels agitated and scared. Absence makes the wounded heart grow fearful. You can prepare for separations with advance planning that addresses the security needs of the betrayed partner. The unfaithful partner can show consideration for separation anxiety through frequent phone calls and updates about whereabouts and interpersonal contacts.

- Check it out: Because hypervigilance results from loss of safety, it can be defused by taking steps to gradually reestablish trust. It is perfectly reasonable for the betrayed partner to become a detective, but it is totally destructive to be an inquisitor. An inquisitor jumps out with twenty questions and tries to find out everything there is. In contrast, a detective checks things out, follows up, and tries to get useful information. If suspicions persist, check them out. Every time something checks out as okay, trust starts to rebuild. But what if you discover more lies? Then the relations.h.i.+p ends up further back than when you started, and you are sadder but wiser. I must admit that my position about being your own detective is not a popular one among most therapists.

Only 17 percent of the therapists I surveyed agreed with my position statement "The betrayed spouse who becomes hypervigilant and suspicious about the whereabouts of the marital partner after an affair ends should be supported by the therapist in the attempt to track down clues to further acts of infidelity."

Naomi's husband finally confessed to a year-long affair with one of his clients. He swore the affair was over and that he had neither seen nor talked to his affair partner since then. Although Naomi wanted to believe him, something didn't add up. Instead of grilling him or just waiting and wondering, she decided to do some fact checking. The affair had been discovered when she learned that her husband was spending an inordinate amount of time talking to the same mysterious person on his cell phone. To calm her fears she masqueraded as his office administrator and had copies of his office telephone records sent to the house. When they arrived, she saw that he was still making calls to this woman's number. She had been right: the affair was still going on.

- Invest in a private investigator: I recommend that couples create a detective escrow fund to be used at the discretion of the betrayed partner to confirm the claims of the unfaithful partner. Before the infidelity was exposed, a wary spouse might have hired a P.I. in secret to confirm or discount his or her suspicions. At this stage of dealing with the affair's aftermath, however, a P.I. is hired for the purpose of getting outside confirmation that the involved spouse can be trusted. As one hurt spouse said, "I want to be able to trust you, but I can't trust your words. I can only trust what I can see and hear."