Not Just Friends Part 17

Shared Meaning Having a shared meaning about the infidelity is a vital element for recovering couples. Gavin's affair with Tina was a grave breach of faith to Grace, whereas Gavin considered it meaningless fun. For several months, their inability to arrive at a common understanding impeded their recovery. Although they were ultimately able to bridge the gap with mutual understanding, they had to acknowledge that they would never be able to erase the gap entirely between their dissimilar perspectives.

It's important to iron out differences and do everything possible to see things through the other person's eyes, but sometimes the couple must let go of the need to regard the affair in the same way in order to move on. Randy could not gratify Rianna's wish and say that he had never loved Sophie. Although this was hurtful to Rianna and not what she wanted to hear, she came to accept that this was consistent with Randy's character-that he would never have had a casual affair. As long as Rianna was convinced that Randy loved her, she was able to let go of her obsession with the reality that he had been in love with Sophie.

Rianna also got some comfort from knowing that Randy regretted going against his personal values. They were able to establish a greater sense of unity around his regrets; he said that if he could go backward in time, he'd never cross the line in the first place. He felt terrible that others were hurting because he wasn't mindful of his vows.

Shared Vision of Monogamy Recovering couples have a shared vision of fidelity. The partner with more permissive att.i.tudes commits to exclusivity because of the pain his or her behavior has caused and because another incident could end the marriage. You recognize and avoid opportunities for infidelity, such as office parties without spouses, singles bars, and gatherings with friends who do not support monogamy. You do not quarrel about this any longer because you are on the same side of the fidelity fence. It is not a question of autonomy-it is a question of common sense. People who are committed to marriage don't act like they're single.

In the next chapter, we discuss how partners can embark on a process of forgiving, in stages, over time. We also address how to overcome obstacles to forgiveness, while acknowledging that some situations may be unforgivable.

14.

FORGIVING AND MOVING FORWARD.

It was so hard to forgive you, but when I was finally able to do it, I felt a great burden lift from my heart.

FORGIVING IS not a single event, but a gradual process of increasing compa.s.sion and reducing resentment. You couldn't have gotten this far in healing and recovery if you hadn't already done some forgiving. Suggesting forgiveness too early, while you were still stinging from the aftershock of betrayal, would have been out of touch with the reality of your deep wounds and suffering. not a single event, but a gradual process of increasing compa.s.sion and reducing resentment. You couldn't have gotten this far in healing and recovery if you hadn't already done some forgiving. Suggesting forgiveness too early, while you were still stinging from the aftershock of betrayal, would have been out of touch with the reality of your deep wounds and suffering.

As you established safety, goodwill, and compa.s.sionate communication, you were letting go of anger. As you were searching for the meaning of the events of your life together, you were gaining empathy for each other. Although forgiveness is not a precondition for recovery, it is essential for healing. Now is the right time for you to make a conscious choice to seek and grant forgiveness.

The reason we discuss forgiveness in the next to last chapter is because forgiveness is at the end of a long journey of healed wounds. It is time to forgive when shattered a.s.sumptions have been reconstructed in a meaningful way. There should be no additional surprises or shoes dropping after forgiveness: the full extent of the betrayal and all of the significant details are known. Forgiveness is appropriate when there is evidence of intent to change; for example, troubled partners are working in therapy or a support group on their individual problems, such as addiction, codependency, or echoes from the past.

The steps that lead to granting forgiveness closely parallel the steps for trauma recovery. As you have followed the trauma model of recovery and healing in this book, you have been building a bridge to forgiveness. Your hearts have been opened to each other slowly by your positive interactions. With each caring gesture, each episode of attentive listening, each effort to understand the other's experience, you have strengthened the empathy and understanding that are the essential conditions for forgiveness. When I see people stuck in revenge or retaliation, I know they are not healing.

Olivia wasn't sure if she could forgive Oren, even after he had ended his affair and disposed of the offending futon. Olivia said, "My mother and my girlfriend think I should forgive Oren and get over it because he's been great in so many ways. What bothers me is that forgiving him would be saying that his feelings are more important than mine."

Olivia was confused about the meaning of forgiveness. Like many people, she thought that forgiving Oren would send him the message that she was condoning what he had done. She was afraid that if she let him off too lightly, she would make it easy for him to betray her again. Sometimes, her strongest feeling was one of revenge-she wanted him to suffer in the same way she was suffering. She even thought of having an affair herself to even the score.

It's possible to reach a functional level of recovery without forgiveness, but it's not possible to achieve final healing of yourself or your relations.h.i.+p without forgiveness. In this chapter we talk about the complexities of forgiving and not forgiving. Some people get stuck in the mire of blame, recrimination, and punishment and are not able to seek or grant forgiveness. Others get beyond these barriers by developing compa.s.sion for their partner and letting go of anger and resentment.

What Is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is not just an ideal that only saints can achieve. Although Alexander Pope's a.s.sertion, "To err is human, to forgive, divine," expresses the high value placed on forgiving, it overlooks how frequently ordinary people demonstrate in extraordinary situations that forgiving is not only a common human experience, but a humane one.1

In one survey of partners of s.e.x addicts, 63 percent said they had mostly or totally forgiven their spouses.2

Because so many people are confused about what it means to forgive, I begin with a discussion about what forgiveness is not and follow with a discussion about what forgiveness is.

Clarifying What Forgiveness Is Not Saying "I forgive you" is not the same as saying "It's all right. No big deal. Let's forget it." The process of forgiving is about as far away from "no big deal" as you can get. Each of the following statements addresses misconceptions about forgiveness and describes what forgiveness is not: - Forgiveness is not not forgetting or pretending it didn't happen. Forgiveness allows you to move forward into the future without being stuck in the past, but the lessons and meaning of the event are an essential part of the remainder of your life's journey. forgetting or pretending it didn't happen. Forgiveness allows you to move forward into the future without being stuck in the past, but the lessons and meaning of the event are an essential part of the remainder of your life's journey.

- Forgiveness is not not excusing or condoning the behavior. In fact, a behavior that can be easily excused does not have to be forgiven. The necessity of forgiving an act means that a grievous injury occurred. excusing or condoning the behavior. In fact, a behavior that can be easily excused does not have to be forgiven. The necessity of forgiving an act means that a grievous injury occurred.

- Forgiveness is not not reconciliation. You can forgive someone and let go of your need for revenge without wis.h.i.+ng to reconcile with that person. reconciliation. You can forgive someone and let go of your need for revenge without wis.h.i.+ng to reconcile with that person.

- Forgiveness is not not giving permission to continue the behavior. Forgiveness cannot occur unless you are safe from further hurt. giving permission to continue the behavior. Forgiveness cannot occur unless you are safe from further hurt.

Defining What Forgiveness Is - Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. If you are able to free yourself from the anguish and burden of the past through forgiveness, you will move forward in your life journey with a lighter step. You will begin the next chapter of your life with more self-awareness and more options than you had before.

- Forgiveness is a choice. You choose not to be held hostage in the present to the injustices that occurred in the past. Authentic forgiveness acknowledges the wound and is the result of conscious effort.

- * Forgiveness is a process. In couples who heal together, forgiveness is built on the sincere remorse of the unfaithful partner. It involves both of you. Over time, you have made good on your intention to reconcile and have demonstrated (through specific acts of relations.h.i.+p building) a commitment to each other.

- Forgiveness is letting go of obsessiveness, bitterness, and resentment. Forgiveness is built on a sincere desire to let go of anger and resentment and a conscious decision to take positive steps to move on with your life.

- Forgiveness is letting go of the pain. When you forgive, you free yourself from continual suffering without minimizing the injury. Forgiving is a personal act that directly affects the quality of your inner life.

- Forgiveness is letting go of revenge and the need to punish. You make the decision to live in the self-created atmosphere of solutions rather than blame. Rachel looked for ways to let Ralph know that she had forgiven him and relished their relations.h.i.+p. Privately, she told herself that her greatest gift to him was to hold her tongue and not bring up Lara's name or past incidents that she knew would embarra.s.s him.

The Personal Benefits of Forgiveness Forgiving someone fosters your own well-being. As you begin to let go of the resentment and punis.h.i.+ng scenarios, you gain energy that was frozen by vindictiveness and pain. The release of rancor allows the sweetness of serenity to seep into your life.

Forgiveness activates the transformation from victim to survivor. Forgiveness frees you from the tyranny of people and events from the past and decreases the likelihood that you will misdirect your anger in other relations.h.i.+ps. How good it feels to cast yourself as the master of your own life rather than as the victim of circ.u.mstances!

Forgiving is good for your psychological and physical health. The Stanford Forgiveness Project demonstrated the benefits of teaching people how to dispel the aggravation and anger of holding grudges. The process of forgiving reduced significant risk factors (stress, anger, and depression) for heart disease, stroke, and other serious diseases. People who learned to forgive had lower blood pressure, improved immune function, and a reduction in a host of health complaints, such as headaches, stomach distress, muscle aches, dizziness, and heart palpitations.3 Emotionally, people who learned to forgive were able to improve their psychological and spiritual functioning. Forgiving increased hope, optimism, and the likelihood of developing an enhanced spiritual point of view. Replacing negative emotions with positive ones enlarged the capacity for feelings of connection, trust, and affection.

Are Some Things Unforgivable?

There are some situations in which trying to forgive is inappropriate, as well as impossible. As we've said, first you must ensure your own safety. Forgiving wrongful behavior that has not stopped is like absolving a debt that was paid off with a bad check. It's also difficult, if not impossible, to forgive someone who shows no regret. Apologies must be sincere and backed up with action. Addicts such as alcoholics, gamblers, and philanderers often feel real remorse and promise to change, but then go on doing the same things. It makes little sense to forgive a repeat offender who exhibits extremely self-centered or uncaring behavior unless you are protected from further hurt by removing yourself from the relations.h.i.+p.

Betrayed and unfaithful partners must make their own decisions about whether to forgive partners who betrayed or hurt them. Forgiveness by the betrayed partner may not be possible if the deception went on too long and the unfaithful partner shows no compa.s.sion. Forgiveness by the unfaithful partner may not be possible if any disillusionment and deprivation that preceded the affair went on too long and if the betrayed partner is unwilling to take responsibility for repairing the problems in the marriage.

Is There a Right Time to Forgive?

For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under the heaven ... A time to weep and a time to laugh ... A time to mourn and a time to rejoice ... A time to forgive and a time to be forgiven. A time to hurt and a time to heal. Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4.

Waiting too long to forgive can reinforce your hopelessness and despair. On the other hand, premature or inappropriate forgiveness can give a false sense of healing that is out of sync with your underlying emotions. Forgiving too soon can lower your feelings of self-worth, whereas appropriate forgiving is often empowering. Pseudo-forgiving is done begrudgingly on demand or because it is "the right thing to do." Forgiving that is not heartfelt or genuine only erects more barriers to intimacy and honest communication.

Forgiving Too Soon A common mistake is wanting to move away from the pain and anger too soon. After a couple of weeks, the unfaithful partner has seen the error of his or her ways, confessed some transgressions, and is ready to stop processing the infidelity. The betrayed partner, anxious to get past the stress of the crisis, colludes with this "flight into health." Perhaps they agree that the infidelity was just a little b.u.mp in the road, or maybe a boulder, but the guilty party has apologized and that's the end of it. Easy forgiveness can be perceived as license to continue the hurtful behavior. This kind of denial and superficiality may be a reflection of how a couple has conducted their whole relations.h.i.+p.

Psychologists Kristina Gordon and Donald Baucom found that forgiveness develops in sequential stages after infidelity. Spouses who were "true" forgivers felt much closer to each other than spouses who were "false" forgivers.4

Beware of Pseudo-forgiveness Either or both partners may eagerly embrace a kind of pseudo-forgiveness in an effort to spare themselves the unpleasantness of confrontation. You can't pretend that the infidelity never happened. Rus.h.i.+ng to quick solutions does more to perpetuate denial than to offer real resolution. Forgiveness that feels like a fast food drive-thru can result in lingering yet deeply harbored resentment.

Pseudo-forgiveness does not benefit either partner. It may even create a perpetual cycle of betrayal followed by apologetic confessions. Unfortunately, some unfaithful partners calculate the cost-benefit ratio of infidelity, go through a little bit of h.e.l.l, and repeat the pattern. They're willing to pay the cost of their partner's brief unhappiness in order to experience the thrill of forbidden love. Some people choose to get forgiveness after the fact when they can't get permission before the act.

Why Can't You Forgive Me?

Let's focus now on the difficulties a betrayed partner may have in moving away from bitterness toward a position of understanding and forgiveness. If the betrayed partner is stuck in the mind-set of a victim who keeps reiterating "You have ruined my life," forgiveness will be impossible to attain. In fact, for true forgiveness to occur, both partners must be willing to stop competing for the part of the suffering or outraged spouse.

Even after going through six months of recovery work, Rianna still felt she couldn't forgive Randy because he was not the moral person she had thought he was. In her mind, she hadn't done anything wrong that could "justify" his betrayal. As long as she perceived herself as the saintly victim of a brazen sinner, she was stuck in a rut of indignation and self-righteousness. She even blamed Randy for turning her into a vindictive, cynical person.

One day in church, Rianna had an epiphany: she realized that her inability to forgive Randy meant that she wasn't the spiritual person she had aspired to be. She was then able to start a process of relinquis.h.i.+ng her illusion of the perfect marriage and herself as a perfect human being. Once she saw herself as imperfect, she was able to accept and begin to forgive Randy's human weaknesses.

Lingering Suspicion If a couple has worked for many months through all of the stages of recovery and nothing relieves the suffering of the betrayed partner, it's time to ask what else is going on. A betrayed partner who does not respond to the goodwill, good faith efforts of a contrite and well-intentioned partner may be afraid that the unfaithful partner is still ambivalent or that the infidelity is continuing in secret. Betrayed spouses often have a sensitive "radar" for their partner's ongoing involvement, even when it appears to outside observers that the affair is over.

You cannot move on and you cannot forgive if you are not safe. If the threat of reinjury is real and imminent, the imperiled partner has no choice but to stay on the defensive and remain alert to any hint of attack. Obviously, a betrayed partner who continues to respond as though the affair were still alive and well and is right (i.e., it has not ended) has reason to be obsessed and hypervigilant. If the current affair is over but there's no reasonable a.s.surance against future infidelity, staying stuck in unmitigated suffering protects the betrayed partner from the devastation of being unprepared for the next act of treachery.

Reverberating Pain from the Past If betrayed partners continue to experience lingering pain and suspiciousness after the affair is indisputably over and after the unfaithful partner has made sincere efforts to make amends, they may be reacting to more than the affair. There may be unresolved injuries in the betrayed partner's life that were reawakened by the affair.

For some betrayed partners, the affair is further evidence that the world is a harsh and unjust place where they were born to be victimized. They may have been treated unfairly and hurt by their families or previous relations.h.i.+ps. Exploring the relations.h.i.+p history of an unremittingly wounded partner may reveal infidelities by parental figures, exploitation or s.e.xual molestation by trusted adults, bullying by the peer group, or persistent doubts about personal attractiveness and self-worth.

Georgia's rage over George's daily coffee breaks with a young woman coworker was so intense and prolonged that it appeared to be an extreme overreaction. Georgia understood the rejuvenation George felt from the s.e.xual innuendos and lively conversations. She accepted his claim that there had been no s.e.xual intercourse or strong emotional attachment. She knew that George had terminated all contact with his "friend." She even admitted that their marital bonds were based on love and companions.h.i.+p.

In spite of this understanding, though, Georgia became physically aggressive on several occasions and threatened to end the marriage. She rejected George's efforts to comfort and rea.s.sure her. When she was sarcastic and brutal to him, he drove away in his car for hours on end. Georgia's family history revealed that she still harbored tremendous bitterness over her father's desertion of her mother for a younger woman thirty years earlier. When she found out that George had spent so much time with another woman, it unleashed her basic distrust of men and love-hate feelings toward her father.

George and Georgia were both so miserable that they finally negotiated a truce. She agreed not to attack him verbally or physically. He agreed that if she expressed her hurt without yelling and screaming, he would stay and listen to her. As Georgia shared her fears with him, they grew closer. She asked him to forgive her for her unrelenting cruelty, and he asked her to forgive him for violating her trust and opening up old wounds.

Like George and Georgia, most couples do recover over time. However, if the tone of the marriage continues to be punishment and retribution, the marriage will be unable to get the traction it needs to move forward into healing.

Accusatory Suffering It must be acknowledged that some betrayed partners never get past their initial despair. They become a living memorial to the betrayal. They keep blowing on the live coals of their misery to keep it alive. It may be hard to understand why betrayed spouses would want to perpetuate suffering by intentionally probing an open wound. Whenever the wound starts to close, they poke it again, ensuring that it doesn't heal. These betrayed partners are similar to victims of incest and domestic violence who do not permit their psychic wounds to heal. Accusatory suffering is the term used by Elizabeth and Arthur Seagull to describe this never-ending pain.5 Some people pa.s.s through this accusatory stage on their way to a more accepting and understanding stance. Others get stuck in this punis.h.i.+ng place forever. One of the keys to accusatory suffering is that it is unconscious. The victims unconsciously believe that if they make a full recovery, the person who hurt them will be exonerated from blame and get off too easily. If they are no longer visibly in pain, the injury might look like a small scratch instead of a deadly back-stabbing. They're afraid that unless they continue to suffer, they might forget the depth and breadth of their own injury. To prevent this, the betrayed partner becomes a living, breathing memorial to the betrayal, a living accusation of the suffering the unfaithful partner has inflicted.

The irony is that an unfaithful partner may respond to a persistent lack of forgiveness by getting emotional support from a sympathetic colleague or friend and end up crossing the line again. What difference does it make if your spouse will never trust you anyway? It's not hard to understand that kind of hopelessness, but the choice and the responsibility for fidelity lies with the involved partner rather than with the injured partner.

Self-absorbed Unforgiving Betrayed partners who are able to forgive are willing to relinquish their role as victim and see things through their partner's eyes. Tyler exemplifies someone who was too self-absorbed in his own injury to make room for compa.s.sion and forgiveness. For nineteen years he lived and breathed the story of how his wife, Tanya, had wounded him with an unforgivable transgression before they got married. He was blind to how he had wounded her.

After they had been engaged for only three weeks, Tyler decided he wasn't ready for marriage and broke off their engagement. Tanya was distraught about his abandonment and had a one-night stand with someone she met at a bar. She felt numb and didn't care what happened to her. After several months, Tyler realized how much he missed her and they went ahead with their wedding plans.

Because she didn't want there to be any secrets between them, Tanya confessed to Tyler that she had had casual s.e.x with someone else during their separation. Tyler's reaction was explosive and frightening. His cherished vision of her as "pure" was destroyed forever. He stayed angry throughout their many years of marriage. His parents had held lifetime grudges and had been bound together by mutual spite and rancor. Tanya's "sin" gave Tyler the perfect opportunity to practice the unforgiving behaviors he had observed at home.

His refusal to get past Tanya's "disloyalty" weakened their bond and adversely affected their lives on many levels. For one thing, Tyler never fully invested in their marriage, just in case it didn't work out. In the back of his mind was the nagging thought that by next month they might be separated. After they had a child, he told himself he was staying only until their daughter graduated from high school. When he occasionally softened toward Tanya, he then immediately reverted to picturing her acting like a "s.l.u.t" and goading himself into another fit of righteous indignation. Tanya never knew when he would bring up her "sin." She accepted her perpetual punishment because she had never been able to forgive herself for going against her own values.

A breakthrough occurred when Tyler actually listened to Tanya for the first time and allowed himself to hear that her act of desperation was caused by his abandonment. He realized how much he had hurt her and how much she had suffered. He was not the sole casualty of their broken engagement! Allowing himself to experience her pain pulled him out of the pit he had been digging for almost twenty years. He couldn't believe how much better he felt without the weight of his vindictiveness.

Rituals of Forgiveness Compa.s.sion for the other person is what makes forgiveness possible. The most important element of being able to achieve a state of forgiveness is mutual empathy. Insight into the mistakes made by the person to be forgiven helps in replacing anger with understanding. Both partners must seek and grant forgiveness for the part they played in marital problems that preceded the infidelity or for hurtful behaviors that followed the revelation of the betrayal.

One partner's capacity to forgive depends on the other partner's sincere efforts to make amends. Unfaithful partners must seek forgiveness for the acts of betrayal; betrayed partners must be willing to acknowledge what they regret about their own behavior before or after the affair. Nevertheless, it may be unrealistic to expect the betrayed partner to show remorse for having made malicious statements about the affair partner. Needless to say, neither partner is ever justified in inflicting cruelty as a reaction to his or her own injury.

The majority of couples forgive each other in a gradual process that is subtle but unmistakable. They show they have let go of the past when they risk being vulnerable to each other again. They deal with repercussions of the affair together in an atmosphere of affection and sensitivity. Carolyn overheard a group of women at church discussing how aggressively her husband, Chas, had pursued his affair partner, Roxie, despite Roxie's reluctance to get involved. Carolyn knew this was an unfounded rumor because she had witnessed how Roxie had flirted and made obvious moves on Chas. When Carolyn shared these offensive remarks with him, he put his arms around her and said, "I'm so sorry you had to listen to this upsetting gossip because of what I did." Carolyn felt how genuine his remorse was and was comforted because his primary concern was protecting her instead of defending his own actions.

Other couples benefit from a more structured ritual where forgiveness for specific injuries is formally sought and granted. They have a need to hear precise apologies and see concrete signs of forgiveness. Even if one partner is clearly cast as the perpetrator and the other as the innocent victim, the following approach is suitable for couples who are ready to forgive and be forgiven through a formal ritual of letting go.

Seeking Forgiveness These forgiveness rituals have the most profound impact on healing when both partners are willing to seek forgiveness. I knew a betrayed spouse who was testifying in divorce court about how terrible her marriage had been. Her husband's attorney asked her, "Didn't you do anything wrong?" She responded, "Yes, I was wrong to put up with it for so long." Perhaps that really was her only mistake, but since perfect partners and perfect marriages are rare, betrayed partners can usually express true regret about their own actions, inactions, or reactions during the marriage and after the affair.

1. Forgive yourself. Stop chastising yourself and learn from your mistakes. You may be unable to forgive your partner if you have not yet forgiven yourself. Betrayed partners may have to forgive themselves for having been too gullible and trusting.

2. Identify your transgressions. Enumerate what you wish to be forgiven for. Articulate all of the ways you failed to protect the relations.h.i.+p. This is not a confession, but an a.s.sumption of personal responsibility. Regardless of how upset you might have been, it is important to acknowledge your own hurtful behaviors, such as verbal or emotional abuse, signs of contempt, or nasty put-downs.

Rachel told Ralph, "I got so wrapped up in the children that I didn't notice how lonely you were." Ralph told Rachel, "I lied to you and made you think you were crazy. I didn't tell you I felt lonely and didn't give us a chance to work it out together. Worst of all is how I deceived you and gave to somebody else what I promised to share only with you."

3. Make a heartfelt apology. The unfaithful partner needs to apologize for fracturing the trust. If you are the unfaithful partner, you must show genuine compa.s.sion and make a sincere apology for the pain and mistrust your actions created. If you cannot apologize for having the affair because you view it as a special event in your life, you can apologize for the anguish that your adventure caused your spouse.

Jim told Janet, "I hope you can forgive me for all of the pain I caused you. I never internalized my marriage vows. I was s.e.xually and emotionally unfaithful. I'm so sorry I did this to you. I realize that I protected you from everybody but me. I can't stop thinking about how you deserved better."

If you are the betrayed partner, it might be appropriate to apologize for being too controlling or too distant or for not meeting your partner's emotional or s.e.xual needs. If the affair was not a reflection of relations.h.i.+p vulnerabilities, you can probably recall some action or reaction during the recovery period when you put the kids or family members in the middle or when you could have been less attacking or more understanding.

4. Make a formal request to be forgiven: "Please forgive me."

5. Offer some tangible action to back up your words. Ralph offered to give Rachel a weekend at a spa while he took care of the children, so she could relax and be pampered. Victor had postponed getting married and had cheated on his fiancee, Valerie, on several business trips. Valerie got upset when his work team was scheduled to go to Paris and only married partners were allowed to come along. She said, "If I can't come, promise me you won't go either." After a long period of recovering from his infidelities, they decided to engage in the forgiveness ritual. Victor backed up his remorse by saying, "I know you're anxious about my traveling abroad. If they restrict it to spouses, I'll make sure we're married first."

Granting Forgiveness It's easier to forgive if your partner feels your pain, doesn't want to hurt you again, and follows words of apology with actions. Before you are prepared to forgive, you need to have done some work on your own. The steps in granting forgiveness are as follows: 1. Acknowledge your own pain and express your emotions clearly without yelling or attacking. You can say, "The worst thing you did to me was to look me straight in the eyes and lie to me. I doubted my own sanity."

2. Understand the personal weaknesses and emotional vulnerabilities of your partner. You still hold your partner accountable for his or her behaviors, but you are no longer angry because you have some compa.s.sion for his or her frailties.

3. Be specific about what you expect and what you cannot tolerate. There are some things that are not negotiable. You might decide to tell your partner that you can forgive him or her for past hurts, but you cannot stay in the relations.h.i.+p if he or she ever hurts you in the same way again.

4. Be specific about what you are forgiving your partner for. Respond to your partner's request for forgiveness by enumerating the transgressions you are forgiving him or her for.

5. Perform an overt act of forgiveness verbally, physically, or in writing. After Rachel told Ralph that she forgave him for his affair with Lara, she reached out and gave him a big hug. Tears welled up in both their eyes as they clung to each other and dedicated themselves to their future together.

6. Stop blaming and start living. After you have granted forgiveness to each other, searching for who's to blame is over and done with. It's time to get on with your life and enjoy the liberation of letting go.

Once Rachel had truly forgiven Ralph, her loving acts were spontaneous-out of devotion and not out of duty or fear of loss. She welcomed him back with open arms. She purposely looked for ways to please and surprise him: she bought his favorite preserves when she was in the up-scale supermarket; sometimes she surprised him by playing his favorite Billy Joel CD upon his arrival home from work; she occasionally wrote him limericks that she thought would amuse him; and she reorganized and cleaned out their gardening shed, something she knew would thrill him almost more than s.e.x.

Ralph wanted to show Rachel that she was on his mind during the day. He started bringing home precious little tokens: sometimes he bought her a small present, like a book he thought she would enjoy; at other times, he handed her a funny story he had seen on the Internet or brought her a special dessert he saved from a business luncheon. These small tokens made Rachel feel special.

An unmistakable measure of forgiving is when the betrayed partner can refer to events related to the affair with humor. Les and Lisa experienced together the healing symbolism of a good laugh. Lisa knew that Les was attracted to Fiona's long blond hair, which was very different from Lisa's dark curls. One night, when Les got home from work, Lisa called to him from the bedroom. He opened the door and there was Lisa, sitting in bed wearing a skimpy nightgown and a long blond wig. They collapsed in laughter, and then they made love.

Rituals of Recommitment Many couples have found it quite meaningful to engage in symbolic rituals to mark the end of infidelity and a new beginning in their marriage. One ritual suggested by Rona Subotnik and Gloria Harris is to mark the end of the affair by making a list of wrongful acts, tearing it up, and throwing it into a river.6 Burning the mementos and burying the ashes is a variation that symbolizes a funeral for the affair. Couples who feel their wedding vows have been shattered may need to go through a period of courts.h.i.+p and formal ceremony to renew their vows. Burning the mementos and burying the ashes is a variation that symbolizes a funeral for the affair. Couples who feel their wedding vows have been shattered may need to go through a period of courts.h.i.+p and formal ceremony to renew their vows.

Courts.h.i.+p It is very hurtful when courts.h.i.+p activities such as thoughtful notes and romantic dinners were absent in the marriage but were enjoyed in the affair. Unfaithful partners should initiate courts.h.i.+p behaviors to compensate betrayed partners by giving them the same kind of attention and thoughtfulness that was given to the affair partner. Ralph brought Rachel simple bouquets of her favorite flowers and read love poems to her. Rachel planned dates to go out dancing and to concerts that revived the fun and excitement they had enjoyed during their courts.h.i.+p.

Renewing Vows Many couples have found profound meaning and comfort by renewing their vows in an informal or formal ceremony, exchanging new wedding rings, or going on a second honeymoon. After their reconciliation, Randy and Rianna invited their children and some close friends to a private church service in which they renewed their vows. They picked the verses together, and Randy spent hours choosing the musical selections as a surprise for Rianna. The ceremony had special significance for them because they delayed having s.e.x until they had pledged themselves to each other.

Randy and Rianna went to Hawaii to celebrate, and they regarded their idyllic vacation as their second honeymoon. They thought of their renewal ceremony as the beginning of a new era of compatibility. From that time on, they celebrated two anniversaries every year: one on the date they had first married, and the other on the date they had recommitted themselves to each other and to their marriage. Twice a year they paused in their busy lives to reaffirm how important their relations.h.i.+p was to them.

Forgive the Pain but Remember the Lesson One of the greatest fears couples have is that "things will never be the same again." The reality is that things will never be the same again-no matter how spectacular the recovery and how sincere the apologies. The knots of infidelity are now woven within the threads of your marital quilt. Yet, like many other couples who have healed, you are likely to find that your relations.h.i.+p is unique and special. Because the two of you have been to h.e.l.l and back together, you can discuss your most hidden thoughts and feelings about almost any subject on earth.

After forgiving each other, you'll be able to remember the past without reliving the pain. Nevertheless, you don't want to forget the lessons you've learned. You have learned to be more sensitive to each other. You understand each other better and are cautious about triggering each other's wounds.

How Do We Know You Won't Betray Again?

Regardless of the quality of your renewed relations.h.i.+p, the betrayed partner is still plagued by the nagging concern "How do I know you won't betray me again?" This question should also be of concern to the unfaithful partner who doesn't want to relapse. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that infidelity won't occur again-only probabilities. Part of the lesson you have learned is how to identify and address vulnerabilities. The following checklist will allow you to validate your positive resources and how hard you have worked to get to this point.

- You both have increased clarity about appropriate thresholds in friends.h.i.+ps.

- You make sure that all of your friends are friends of the marriage.