Not Just Friends Part 16

This chapter describes how to complete unfinished business, repair the remaining wounds, and reconstruct a stronger relations.h.i.+p as you move ahead together into the future.

How Long Is It Supposed to Take?

Reconstructing the marriage is usually a long-term process lasting at least one or two years. Unfortunately, the challenges inherent in the process of recovering from the trauma can put many couples at risk for repeating harmful patterns that preceded the infidelity. It is unreasonable to expect that the trauma can be brought to closure until the first year anniversary dates of the discovery and aftershocks have pa.s.sed and been reflected on.

Four Steps Forward and One Step Back During the final stage of recovering and healing, couples improve by taking four steps forward and one step back. Because negative experiences tend to carry more emotional weight than positive ones, "one step back" can appear to cancel out "four steps forward" in the eyes of either partner. Setbacks will become a familiar part of the journey, but these impediments to healing can be temporary roadblocks rather than a major breakdown.

Recovery is not a linear progression, but a series of positive and negative cycles. During these cycles, however, you will make progress. You will need to try to use each as a learning experience. Each time you encounter a setback, avoid getting stuck in it. Use the struggle to generate new insights about how to make the changes that will pull you through to the daylight.

Patience Is Essential Men and women who were involved in pa.s.sionate love affairs need time to make the transition back into the marriage. After ending the affair and recommitting to the marriage, unfaithful partners can take weeks or months to reconnect wholeheartedly with their spouses. They will probably continue to have lingering attachments to their affair partners in their thoughts and affections, at least for a while, as well as some grief at the loss of a deep relations.h.i.+p.

Betrayed partners will be making their own transitions back into the marriage. On some days they feel totally committed to working it out; on other days they feel foolish for staying with a partner who deceived them. They will continue to be insecure and preoccupied if the involved spouse has not yet returned emotionally to the marriage.

Both partners have to be patient during this recovery process. During the transition, it is especially important to talk and interact with each other in a way that sends a clear signal of dedication. It may take time before they can say "I love you" in words, but actions can send an undeniable message of devotion and caring.

When Warren discovered that Wendy was losing weight and buying s.e.xy underwear for another man, one of his first remarks was, "Why didn't you do that for me?" After Wendy ended the affair, Warren was acutely aware that she came to bed every night in her old flannel nightgown. He watched and waited silently week after week for some sign of s.e.xual interest on her part. Several months later she put on black lace before bedtime, and Warren breathed a sigh of relief that his wife was finally back.

Completing Unfinished Business To recover fully, betrayed partners need to know that vestiges of the affair have been fully dealt with. The road to healing is often cluttered with the unfaithful partner's cherished mementos of the affair, ambiguous or unconvincing good-byes to the affair partner, or unexplored details of the infidelity. Swift, sure action that burns the remaining bridges with the affair partner is a vital step in clearing away the leftover debris. Unfinished business that is not addressed doesn't go away; it just goes underground until it surfaces at a later time to contaminate your relations.h.i.+p.

Getting Rid of Reminders It's especially offensive for the betrayed partner to see the unfaithful partner holding on to cherished mementos of the lost love. Francesca in The Bridges of Madison County kept a sc.r.a.pbook of her stolen days with her lover. Other involved partners hold on to letters, books, cards, recordings, jewelry, dried flowers, photographs, and articles of clothing. These "souvenirs" are links to a chapter in their lives that is now closed.

Both as a symbol and as a commonsense tactic for moving past the affair, unfaithful partners should dispose of these physical reminders of the affair. Getting rid of the offending bed, disinfecting or trading in the family automobile that was violated, or destroying souvenirs of the affair can be cleansing. Destroying the love letters together can symbolize the ending of a traumatic era. Betrayed partners need to decide if they will be helped more by reading the letters before turning them into ashes or by protecting themselves from the pain of romantic phrases burned into memory.

Warren had trouble trusting that Wendy was really committed to him. When he was asked what stood in the way of his healing, he said, "I want my wife to get rid of the orchid in her office that he gave her." Whenever Warren went to her office, the plant was like a knife in his heart. This seemed like a reasonable request. When Wendy hesitated, it looked as if she was still attached to her affair partner, but the reality was that Wendy was attached to the plant. She just couldn't destroy it. They finally resolved their dilemma when Wendy gave the orchid to a female coworker who had admired it.

Even though she believed that Oren's affair was over, Olivia was still troubled by visions of him having s.e.x with his lover in the upstairs office. The next time they went to his office together she told him she would like him to get rid of the futon upstairs because it was a constant reminder to her that he used it for s.e.x. Oren said, "Of course. I didn't know it bothered you. I'll do it tomorrow." Oren demonstrated empathy for Olivia in his willingness to dispose immediately of this blatant reminder of his affair.

The Final Farewell If the ending of the affair was ambiguous or uncertain, it's hard for the betrayed partner to be convinced that it's really over. Betrayed spouses often cannot let go until their partner has agreed to end the affair with conviction and finality. Unfaithful spouses may have to send unmistakable messages to their former lover in letters or phone calls saying that they have chosen to stay in the marriage "for love" and not "out of duty" or "for the sake of the children."

The nature of these final farewells should be a collaborative effort that attends to the sensitivities of both spouses. It is usually necessary to have some proof that the call was made or the letter was sent, so I strongly support the desire of the betrayed partner to witness the phone call or the e-mail correspondence. A decisive good-bye helps all three individuals in the extramarital triangle get closure.

Randy realized that he had unintentionally fed into Sophie's obsession with him. From his point of view, he was just being nice when he tried to end their relations.h.i.+p gently and lovingly, but the effect on Sophie was to allow her to think that there was still a chance. Unfortunately, Sophie finally got the message to stay away when Randy and Rianna threatened to get a restraining order. Not until then did Sophie pull herself together and get some help to get over him.

The Unanswered Questions As I said earlier, it is essential for the unfaithful partner to satisfy the betrayed partner's need to understand the meaning of the affair. If the betrayed partner still wants answers that are not forthcoming, recovery will be delayed or even halted. Unfaithful partners frequently get exasperated because it seems to them that they are being tortured with the same questions over and over again. However, each discussion and permutation may shed new light or provide more extensive elaboration. Painful topics that were put on hold earlier in the process can be shared more easily now that you've established an empathetic, caring atmosphere. Betrayed partners may deliberately put aside sensitive issues that appeared to be pressing at the beginning because the answers are no longer important, or because they want to avoid further wounding.

Harold realized that the more information he provided on his own, the less pressure and tension he felt from Hope. He began volunteering information about his s.e.xual affair with his workout partner to his wife without being prodded. Hope said, "It used to be that I would say, 'Was it like this?' and he would say 'Yes' or 'No.' I felt like I was suggesting possible scenarios for a movie and all he did was approve or disapprove of my version. Now he paints the scene for me because he knows that it's important for me to be able to visualize what happened."

Some questions are difficult to answer. Why did you do it? is a complex question that may require more introspection and soul searching than some individuals can manage. Although one couple had discussed all of the minute details of the husband's s.e.xual infidelities, they had gone round and round with this frustrating question and couldn't seem to get anywhere. The only answer the unfaithful husband offered was that he was curious.

I asked the unfaithful husband if he could say what explanations for infidelity did not apply to him. He readily came up with a long list of reasons why he did not do it: "I didn't do it because she was more attractive or something was missing at home. I didn't do it for love or companions.h.i.+p. I didn't do it out of any resentment toward my wife." Although he was unable to provide a direct answer to the burning question "Why?" his wife was able to slowly move forward because she was finally beginning to understand his infidelity.

Repairing the Damage Recovery cannot occur if you don't work together to repair the damage that resulted from the betrayal and its aftermath. Some repairs can be done with a one-time effort; others require constant maintenance. Traumatic wounds will fade as you restore trust, loyalty, and honesty. Reversing walls and windows, reclaiming lost territories, and cleaning up the fallout from the infidelity will help you to restore a healthy marriage.

Mending the Trauma Wounds Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and hypervigilance will usually persist well into the recovery period. The smallest event or sensory perception may trigger painful memories or flashbacks of earlier, insecure times. When these symptoms erupt, you can work as a couple to mend the wounds.

The unfaithful partner must keep evolving from being the one who has been hurtful to the one who soothes the hurt. That requires a level of patience and caring that he or she may seldom have shown before. Betrayed partners must be able to respond positively to efforts to console and rea.s.sure them. Both must get past their anger, blame, and loss to heal their wounds and move beyond the trauma.

Jim's desire to avoid and minimize Janet's deep anguish made her recovery extremely erratic. Whenever she told Jim about a flashback, he would have to steel himself to stay with her instead of following his inclination to run away and hide. Reaching out to hold her physically or accept her emotions was more than he could do. He was proud of himself for enduring her traumatic symptoms, but he was not able to engage in a positive way.

One day when Jim got home from work, Janet was curled up on their bed crying. When he asked what was wrong, she said, "Everything flooded in on me. I feel so hopeless. I can't believe what you did to me." His response was to freeze and not say anything. What went through his mind was: "Not again. I can't keep going through this." He knew enough not to voice those thoughts, but he couldn't stay with her in her pain. So he said, "Well, let me leave you alone so you can pull yourself together. Why don't I take the boys out for pizza?" Not the worst response, but not as helpful as if Jim had been able to say, "I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I know you can't help it. I'm here for you."

Harold was able to provide more comfort than Jim because he understood that Hope wasn't being emotional or bringing up upsetting thoughts on purpose. Hope and Harold approached their healing and their lives as a team. Hope had learned that when she was upset about an intrusive thought, she should bring it up in a gentle way without accusing Harold. She knew it was painful and embarra.s.sing for him to recall his shameful behavior. The way they handled the following incident is indicative of how they learned to confront the trauma wounds directly instead of shying away from reminders.

One day as their relations.h.i.+p was growing stronger, Hope wanted to hear more about the fitness center where Harold had met his affair partner. Every time Hope had driven past it, she had experienced a strong visceral reaction of nausea and panic. Hope and Harold decided to go there together. They toured the facility, and Harold gently and thoroughly answered her questions. As she visualized him there with his affair partner, she began to tremble and shake. They went outside and he held her until she was no longer agitated. Harold was comforting and rea.s.suring. After that experience, the gym no longer held the power to upset her when she was driving by.

Reversing Walls and Windows Reversing walls and windows that were inappropriately positioned during the affair helps to redirect positive energy back into the marriage. Opening windows and erecting a protective wall keeps secrets inside and intruders outside. Just as the recovering couple deals with traumatic symptoms together, they also deal with outside threats together. They handle encounters with the affair partner side by side and guard against other relations.h.i.+ps that could compromise their intimacy. Potential attractions are kept at bay and friends are kept safely as "just friends" (in the truest sense). The couple is also sensitive to potential splitting caused by family members, leisure activities, good causes, and even their children.

Putting the Betrayed Partner on the Inside Recovery can continue in the face of encounters with the affair partner if the couple deals with them together. After his affair ended, Ralph still saw Lara at work for three months until she moved to another city. The only thing that made it bearable for Rachel was that Ralph volunteered information about when he saw Lara and what they said to each other. If Ralph had claimed he never saw Lara or had given accounts that were superficial or unrealistic, Rachel would not have trusted him. In the absence of credible information, she would have filled in the blanks herself with her worst fears.

Rita opened a window with Russ despite her failed attempt to put up an airtight wall against her affair partner. When she caught sight of her ex-lover walking toward her at an airport, she felt as if everything were happening in slow motion. Out of nervousness more than a real desire to know, she asked him how he was doing. He managed to convey a lot of information to her in a short period of time, including the fact that he and his wife had divorced. All Rita could think about on the flight home was how much she wanted to tell Russ about her encounter. Russ was rea.s.sured when she told him, "I was mad at myself. I shouldn't have stopped to ask him how he was. If it ever happens again, I won't ask. I'll just keep walking."

Hope feared what would happen if she and Harold ever ran into his affair partner. She told him that she was worried about whom he would show the most concern for. One day while driving to a shopping center, Harold was able to demonstrate his loyalty to Hope. While stopped for a red light, they saw the affair partner in the right-hand lane adjacent to them. Harold slipped his arm around Hope's shoulders and drew her close. Hope felt an enormous sense of relief and closure. Both she and the affair partner could see who was on the inside track with Harold.

Cementing the Wall with the Affair Partner Angela had a very difficult time recovering from Aaron's affair with their neighbor. She became upset when a friend reported that she had seen Aaron's supposedly former affair partner seated next to him wearing his coaching jacket at a Little League game. When Angela asked him, "Why were you sitting next to her in the first place?" he said, "She came over to ask me something about her son's playing. Then she sat down next to me and told me she was cold, so I loaned her my jacket. It was all public-out in the open."

Although her husband's behavior at the game did not mean he had resumed his affair, it did mean that he had not constructed a big enough wall between himself and his ex-lover. When Angela explained how uncomfortable this made her feel, Aaron suggested that she come to the next game and sit beside him. Angela agreed to come if Aaron would let her wear his jacket, because she knew that would send a clear message. Whenever Angela stayed home from subsequent games, Aaron was less pa.s.sive and more aloof if his affair partner attempted to enter his s.p.a.ce. He always told Angela about these incidents, so she didn't have to hear about them through the grapevine.

Letting Each Other In Keeping any secrets, even if they are not about the affair or the affair partner, can evoke feelings of being, shut out. Ken didn't tell Kris that a friend of theirs was cheating on his wife. When Kris found out about it from someone else, she felt as if Ken was condoning infidelity by keeping the secret from her. To Ken it was a matter of not betraying his male friends.h.i.+p. He complained, "Even if it's about somebody else, Kris turns it into something about us. She holds me guilty for stuff I'm not doing myself."

Kris regarded his reluctance to share this information as evidence that he wasn't totally open with her. She said, "The room was dark even before the affair. When he shares things with me, he lifts the shades." She conceded that his lack of openness made it hard for her to relax: "Since his affair, I've become high-maintenance. I'm not nearly as easygoing as I was before." They finally came to an understanding about what it meant for them to be "best friends." She agreed that she would hold his confidences if he would share openly with her, and he agreed to trust her enough to let her in.

Restoring Broken Trust Innocence is one of the casualties of betrayal. Never again will the betrayed partner have the same kind of unquestioning faith that marked the beginning of their relations.h.i.+p. Unfaithful partners fear that they will never be free of "trust tests." Reestablis.h.i.+ng trust requires sustained effort by both partners over a long period of time. You'll restore your belief in your partner's love and devotion gradually through mutual affection, communication, and understanding. All of the trust-building approaches that I suggested you try during the aftermath of disclosure will continue to be necessary because the injured partner will remain hypervigilant for any signs of deception or further betrayal.

Proof Positive Trust cannot be earned by oaths of allegiance. The secrecy, deception, and alibis that accompany a secret affair are usually more destructive than the actual acts of infidelity. The antidote is openness, accountability, and honesty. When a partner has been dishonest and deceptive, the only reality that can be trusted is concrete evidence that the affair is over.

A year after Melissa had discovered Morty's one-night stand by calling his hotel room, she became upset when Morty left their romantic Valentine's Day dinner to see an emergency client. Melissa didn't like the feeling of being suspicious, but she couldn't stop herself. She drove over to his office to see if he was really there. She sat in the waiting room until he came out with a client. Morty was sympathetic to her need to check up on him, and he considered her presence an opportunity to rea.s.sure her about his fidelity.

Accountability Actions speak louder than words. By definition, an infidelity is a breach of trust, and only being trustworthy can heal the rupture. Willingness to be accountable is essential. In everyday terms that means that unfaithful partners need to answer questions about where they are going, what they are doing, and with whom. Without accountability, there's no reason to believe their word that the affair is over.

Once Drew told Debbie who his Internet affair partner was, they were able to start the engine of their recovery. Drew had several ideas to help restore Debbie's confidence in him. First, whenever he used the computer, he invited her to sit beside him and read a book. Second, because he had fabricated a web of lies to cover his face-to-face meetings with his on-line lover, he made himself totally accessible to Debbie when he traveled; he brought back items such as restaurant receipts and hotel bills as proof of where he had been.

Respecting Boundaries After an infidelity, trustworthiness can be reestablished only through specific changes in behavior. One way to increase safety and security is to make significant changes in the kinds of behavior that led to infidelity. In situations where the unfaithful partner had inappropriate boundaries that led to an affair, evidence of stricter boundaries will help to rebuild fractured trust.

Although Ken was careful to be businesslike with attractive women, sometimes he still slipped up. Kris became incensed and accused him of flirting after he went up to the well-endowed produce clerk at the grocery store and asked, "Got any nice ripe melons?" Ken was initially defensive and protested his innocence, but he agreed to make a stronger effort to avoid making these kinds of suggestive remarks.

Loosening the Cord It can become exasperating for the unfaithful partner to be tethered to such a short string. One unfaithful partner said, "You'll just have to trust me or get rid of me." However, it's not that simple. Being accountable and maintaining appropriate boundaries goes a long way in helping the betrayed partner to gradually lengthen the string. The autonomy of the involved partner should be respected as long as there continues to be honest communication and no evidence of further deception.

Reclaiming Lost Territories Healing couples overwrite anniversary dates of traumatic memories by creating their own new memories. In this way, you can reclaim territory, activities, and settings that were connected to the affair. Although you cannot erase the painful past, you can create promising new chapters. For example, if last year's wedding anniversary was contaminated by the affair, you can honor this year's anniversary date with a memorable celebration. Next year's anniversary date will recall that special vacation, party, romantic dinner, or house gift from this year instead of the upset from the year before.

When you as a couple are able to reclaim territories where the affair occurred, you are healing. To do this, however, you may have to wait until the betrayed partner is strong enough to venture into settings that could trigger flashbacks. Ken first slept with his affair partner at the annual convention hosted by his company. He complied with Kris's request that he not attend the convention during the year after the end of the affair.

One year later, Kris felt that she was ready to go along with him to the convention. He promised to tell her if his affair partner was in attendance, and they planned together how they would act if they ran into her. On the third day they stepped onto an elevator and Ken signaled to Kris that his ex-lover was standing next to them. Kris felt as if she were going to faint, but Ken held her hand. Kris was surprised that this woman wasn't nearly as attractive as she had imagined. Ken and Kris managed to have a wonderful time afterward. They talked a long while and he answered a bunch of new questions. Kris and Ken now consider the convention their territory and wonder whether the affair partner will be gutsy enough to venture there again.

Cleaning Up the Fallout The consequences of infidelity have ripples far beyond the intimate relations.h.i.+p of the recovering couple. Friends, family members, and children are often put into difficult positions by the infidelities of the people they are close to. If others knew about the affair but didn't say anything, betrayed partners may feel that their silence was a form of approval. Those who took sides during the crisis by badmouthing the unfaithful partner may remain alienated from the couple and critical of their reconciliation.

The cleanup may also involve any pregnancies, s.e.xually transmitted diseases, job losses, debts that might have been incurred, or legal problems resulting from drug use or illegal s.e.x. Betrayed partners must decide what they are willing to do by way of active support and plan how to handle the repercussions together. Fallout resulting from the affair may need to be addressed head-on with professional help.

Weaving Broken Threads with Family and Friends Friends and family members can sometimes be an impediment to recovery. They may have heard the shocking details of the betrayal, but they may not witness how you are drawing together again as a couple. They may have been outraged by the news of the affair, but if they continue to demonize the unfaithful partner, they make it harder for both of you to recast the marriage in a more satisfying mold.

Wounded partners should be cautious about whom they talk to and what they share about their problems. Friends and family remember whatever you tell them-forever. An unhappy spouse who laments bitterly to anyone willing to listen will find it harder to get support for reconciling with an errant partner at a later time. It's also difficult for maligned partners to recover from knowing that others have been privy to the unfortunate details of their private lives.

Friends and family members arc often reluctant at first to welcome back the person who hurt their loved one because they are afraid that further pain will be inflicted. They usually come around after they see evidence that their loved one is being treated well and is truly happy in the relations.h.i.+p.

Family When Rachel confided in her parents about Ralph's affair, they offered her their total support. Her father had a few choice words for the jerk who had hurt his beloved daughter. He vowed that he would never forgive Ralph and advised Rachel to divorce him.

After Rachel decided to stay in the marriage, she tried to convey the extraordinary effort Ralph was making. Although she told her parents and her sister that Ralph was a better partner than he had ever been before, they only reiterated that Ralph wasn't good enough for her. When she looked at him through their eyes, his faults were magnified, but she persevered in spite of her family's opposition and their obvious animosity toward him at family gatherings.

Ralph and Rachel had alternated visits between their families at Christmas. However, the year after his affair they went to his family's home out of sequence because Ralph was too embarra.s.sed to face Rachel's family. They had always treated him lovingly and he felt terrible about disappointing them. Rachel continued throughout the following year to give a detailed picture of how happy she now was and how devoted Ralph had been.

As it became clear that their marriage was strong and loving, her parents softened. Although Ralph remained apprehensive about visiting her family, they agreed on a simple overnight visit the following Christmas. Rachel's mother opened the door and put her arms around Ralph in a big hug. Her father remained aloof until they were ready to leave, and then he shook Ralph's hand.

Friends Ralph felt so bad about the rift his affair had caused between Rachel and her family that he worked extra hard to repair the damage with their friends. He wanted them to know that he and Rachel were now solidly together. Rachel was pleased to overhear one of her friends remarking to another, "I don't understand it, after all she's been through, but she seems happy." She and Ralph were relieved to know that other people were responding to the positive signals they were sending out that they were happy and united.

Friends who are not supportive of the marriage need to be excluded. Cheryl understood that in order to heal her marriage, she had to part with her friend Sandy, who was not a friend of the marriage. In addition, Cheryl and Cliff decided to socialize only with other couples who had loving relations.h.i.+ps. Husbands and wives who constantly fight and don't respect each other can negatively affect your relations.h.i.+p. Spending time with people who honor marriage, in word and deed, made it easier for Cheryl and Cliff to honor their own.

What to Tell the Children Children should be told as little as possible about a parent's affair. The major reasons to share information with children are (1) if they have already observed evidence or heard the parents discussing the infidelity or (2) if they are going to read about it in the newspaper or hear about it from outside sources.

In some instances, telling the children is the only way they will be able to make sense of what has been happening in the family. However, a child should never be told about an affair and admonished to keep it secret. There is a fine line between maintaining your privacy and answering their questions honestly. If the marriage is rebuilding and there is no pressing reason to tell them, it is better to be discreet.

Cameron's twelve-year-old daughter asked him about a fight she had overheard when he was accusing his wife of having an affair with his business partner. He blurted out that her mother was having s.e.x with another man, which was inappropriate to tell her to begin with, but then he compounded the damage when he told her not to share this information with anyone else. He regretted his outburst later, when he and his wife were rebuilding and when he understood what a psychological and emotional burden he'd placed on his young daughter.

Parents may find it necessary to say something if the children have been upset by conflict or are asking why their parents go to counseling every Monday night. It's best for parents (even separating couples) to sit down with the children together, so the children can have the security of seeing their parents functioning as a unit.

Preschoolers can be told: "Mommy and Daddy have some disagreements that have nothing to do with you. We both still love you, so you don't have to worry."

Grade-school children are sensitive about secrecy and tension in their household because they know other kids whose parents are divorced. Ask what they've noticed and what they are afraid of. Stress that although you are having problems getting along, you still want to stay together.

Preteens and teenagers are dealing with their own s.e.xuality and are more likely to suspect infidelity. If your child asks you directly, be honest without going into detail. You can say, "Yes, Dad got too friendly with another woman, but he realizes that he really loves me and wants us to stay together."

What children most want to know is whether their family life will be disrupted. Disclosing an affair without making it clear that parents are committed to making the marriage work creates tremendous uncertainty. Just like betrayed spouses, poorly informed children will imagine the worst in the absence of evidence to the contrary.

Life-altering Consequences For the majority of recovered couples, the traces of infidelity are in the painful memories. For an unfortunate minority, the negative consequences are life-altering. Unprotected extramarital s.e.x carries the risk of pregnancy and s.e.xually transmitted diseases that are often mentioned in the aftermath as dangerous possibilities, but in some cases are the tragic realities. I have been impressed with how many couples are able to deal with this kind of near disaster together and come out stronger than those couples who can't get beyond the initial revelation of infidelity.

Pregnancy You may remember that Stan got his affair partner pregnant. He and his wife, Stella, became involved in the child's life far beyond the legal requirements. For them, open involvement with Stan's daughter was the best way to handle this difficult situation.

If a child is the outcome of an infidelity, the married couple needs to decide from the outset what role they want to play in the child's life. They can fulfill the ethical, legal, and financial obligations as though the child were the product of a one-night stand. The other option is to do what Stan and Stella did and make the child a part of their own family. Including the child in the family is a.n.a.logous to raising a child from a previous marriage that ended in divorce. Of course, the outrage and shame of other members of the immediate or extended family must be contended with.

If the child is not integrated into the marriage, the unfaithful partner should not be involved in coparenting the child with the affair partner, nor should he or she ever go to the affair partner's residence alone to see the child. This situation creates too great a risk to the marriage. Whatever the married couple decides to do should be a joint decision that they can both accept.

Loss of Job Donald and Daphne worked hard to rebuild their marriage despite many challenges that would have torn most couples apart. Donald lost his job when his employer found out that he was using company time and the company computer to carry on his Internet romances. Daphne stood by him because of Donald's serious efforts to end his Internet addiction and deal with related issues in therapy. She was also aided in her commitment to him by his obvious devotion and caring for her.

Daphne had to go back to work full time as a waitress at night while Donald looked for a job during the day. By the time he found work in his profession, they were heavily in debt. They managed to give their children a stable environment and acted lovingly toward each other with a minimum of blaming. When Daphne was finally able to return to her normal routine, they had a unique relations.h.i.+p that their friends admired.

Reconstructing a Stronger Marriage The work of recovery is designed to help you uncover whatever relations.h.i.+p vulnerabilities there may have been in the structure of your relations.h.i.+p, repair them, and emerge with a stronger bond. Caring and consideration ensure that you'll have sufficient emotional reserves and energy to draw on whenever you're hit with negative backlash from the affair. When you have reconstructed a stronger marriage after the trauma of infidelity, you will exhibit the following characteristics: - Compa.s.sionate communication is the essence of your healing.

- Your s.e.xuality is a mutually desired expression of love, affection, and eroticism.

- You have replaced any rigid patterns with flexible interactions: shared intimacy, power, and respect.

- Conflicts are resolved and don't escalate; you don't avoid them.

- Neither of you feels overbenefited or underbenefited because you are equally invested in the relations.h.i.+p.

- You have a united front in dealing with others, a co-constructed story about the meaning of the infidelity, and a shared vision of monogamy.

Addressing Relations.h.i.+p Vulnerabilities For many couples, infidelity presents an opportunity to examine the individual, relational, and social factors that created the vulnerabilities for the hurtful behavior. By addressing these problem areas, you can build a much stronger marriage than you had before the betrayal.

Child-centered Marriages Ralph and Rachel realized that their child-centered marriage had created the vulnerability for an affair. To transform their relations.h.i.+p into a couple-centered marriage and keep their connection alive as a two-career couple with school-age kids, they made a concerted effort to share their excitement and their worries about work with each other. Instead of their son's reading comprehension problems, they talked about the volatile stock market. They went our with other couples socially, planned an overnight at a bed and break tast every few months, and developed an ident.i.ty as a couple separate from their ident.i.ty as "Mom and Dad."

Incompatible s.e.xual Interests Different perspectives about s.e.xuality evolved into a problem for Ken and Kris once the excitement of their pa.s.sionate beginning had faded. Ken wanted lots of s.e.x, and Kris wanted s.e.x that was an outgrowth of physical affection and emotional intimacy. In the years prior to Ken's affair, their s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p had become practically nonexistent because Kris began rejecting his s.e.xual advances.

Ken didn't have a good role model. His mother had appeared seductive in her dress and mannerisms, but his parents never touched each other and didn't even sleep together. What he had been looking for in his affair was exciting s.e.x with no strings. In contrast to Ken's parents, Kris's parents hugged and kissed each other a lot. When Kris was young, she would hear her parents giggling in the bedroom next to hers. She remembered thinking, "That's what I want to have when I get married."

The challenge for Ken was to engage with Kris in a more loving way that did not always lead to s.e.xual intercourse. After several months, he was able to say, "I get so much pleasure from cuddling. This is almost better than s.e.x." The challenge for Kris was to be more receptive to Ken's overtures, even if she was tense or tired. Kris shyly admitted that sometimes a "quickie" was just fine.

Lack of Common Interests After Randy fell in love with Sophie, he justified his affair by telling himself that she offered him greater intellectual interests than he had with Rianna. His affair was a wake-up call to revitalize common interests. After a tortured period of ambivalence. Randy recommitted to the marriage. He and Rianna had a frank discussion and recognized that although their relations.h.i.+p had been warm and loving, it had become complacent and boring.

They decided to take an adult education course together at the local community college on spirituality and religion. They had many lively conversations about what they were learning in their cla.s.s. They then attended a series of lectures and Bible study courses at their church that reinforced their shared religious convictions. They volunteered to teach Sunday School and met other parents and children who were a good match with their own family interests and values. Randy and Rianna grew to appreciate how much they really did have in common.

Learning New Dances The recovering couple is able to identify and dance away from old patterns of relating to each other in imbalanced ways, such as pursuer-distancer or parent-child interactions. They equalize power and responsibility through compa.s.sionate communication and mutual respect. Their approach to problems is solution-oriented instead of blame-oriented.

Blake and Brenda cast aside their unrewarding roles as "saint" and "sinner" after his affair. Brenda was even more fed up than Blake that she had turned into being the judge, jury, and prison guard. Blake had to decide whether he wanted to a.s.sume responsibilities at home or continue to pursue the wild life as a single person. He recognized that he had been attracted to Brenda because he could depend on her, but now he chose to be a "grown-up" that she could depend on. When they saw themselves slipping back into old dances, they teased each other in an affectionate manner with reminders such as "Yes sir, Sergeant," and "Hey, Kiddo."

Cecelia didn't take Carl's complaints seriously about how her ranting and raving was such a turn-off to him until she discovered his affair with a very gentle woman. Cecelia had not liked it when Carl escaped into his clamsh.e.l.l, but she had never expected him to betray her. For them to retire their roles as "stingray" and "clam," Cecelia inhibited her family's pattern of unbridled emotions. She would always be more emotionally expressive than Carl, but she didn't blow him away anymore with her barbed tongue. Carl let her know when he was unhappy with her, so he didn't build up resentment. It was more comfortable for her when he came out of his sh.e.l.l than when he clammed up.

s.h.i.+fting the Balance of Power Fred and Frieda's story is an example of how an affair can change the balance of power in a marriage. When they first met, Frieda had interpreted Fred's domineering ways as a strength that she could depend on. She was not tuned in to how overpowering he was. After they got married, she chose to go along with him to avoid his temper outbursts, but she hated herself for being such a wimp and became depressed about her own pa.s.sivity.

After years of being pressured by Fred, Frieda reluctantly agreed to engage in swinging with other couples. During their s.e.xual adventures with one particular couple, Frieda experienced a greater degree of affection, warmth, and sensitivity with the other man than she had ever had with her husband. The consequence was that she had a secret love affair with him. After two years of sneaking around, she confessed to Fred about the affair and told him that she was this close to leaving him. In couple therapy, she confronted Fred with how much he had hurt and scarred her, and she admitted that she didn't know whether she wanted to remain with him. Although the decision was anguished, both of them made the commitment to remain married and work on their problems.

The shock of the affair combined with Frieda's newfound determination to speak up for herself s.h.i.+fted the balance of power in the marriage. The most significant changes were that Frieda began to talk and Fred began to listen. She was a.s.sertive about what she wanted and needed, and he developed the capacity to empathize and be influenced by her. A year later, neither of them could believe how much had changed. They had largely liberated themselves from their old roles of Fred as all-powerful and Frieda as powerless. They discovered that new behaviors could emerge out of the chaos that results from the revelation of an affair.

Fostering New Roles One way to diminish the void caused by the loss of the affair is for the betrayed spouse to foster the positive new roles that the unfaithful spouse experienced with the affair partner. The challenge is to find a way to bring those elements back into the marriage. Rita felt s.e.xually liberated in her affair, and she was afraid she would never experience that kind of freedom to express herself with Russ. Russ was a good person, but he had grown up in a s.e.xually constricted environment. With him, Rita was afraid to be s.e.xually aggressive or to suggest new approaches.

After her affair, Russ wanted to know how to increase Rita's interest and pleasure. He was open but somewhat shy at first about following her suggestions to shower together and to make love at nontraditional times and in unexpected places. Rita was overjoyed that she could stay married without losing a vital part of herself that had been unleashed in the affair. Admittedly, Russ occasionally felt nauseous when he visualized Rita experiencing these s.e.xual adventures with another man. However, he appreciated the fact that they had never been as s.e.xually active as they were now, and both of them delighted in their newfound s.e.xual pleasure.

Equalizing Give and Take We have seen that often there is greater reciprocity (and thus greater satisfaction) in the affair than in the marriage. When you and your partner are unequally invested in the marriage, you need to develop a better balance between giving and receiving. Regardless of which partner has been unfaithful, the overbenefited partner needs to give more and the underbenefited partner has to give less and expect more. Less committed partners will be moved as much or more through their own caring behaviors as by those of their spouse's.

Remember Luther, the physician who had multiple infidelities, and his wife, Lois? During their recovery, one of the most significant issues they worked through was the inequity that had existed in their marriage. Without realizing the full implications, Lois and Luther had relegated Luther to a peripheral role in their family life. He was pa.s.sionate about his job and was free to concentrate on it, to the exclusion of everything else. He benefited from his marriage with a minimal investment of time and attention on his part. The marital crisis after his affair inspired him to s.h.i.+ft his priorities.

As part of the rebuilding process, Luther took a more active role in home life. He modified his work schedule to be at Little League games. Whenever possible, he drove the kids to activities, attended school plays, and went to parent-teacher meetings. His partic.i.p.ation in the family allowed Lois to go back to graduate school for an MBA degree. Luther realized how shallow his life had been before. He was amazed at how fulfilling it was to be an involved father and husband. His children began to count on his presence, and he became a favorite with their friends because of his playful, engaging personality.

Forming a United Front When you achieve your goals and solve problems together, convey respect and affection for each other, and put your relations.h.i.+p ahead of other distractions and obligations, you have effectively formed a united front. This is essential but difficult after an affair because of all the splintered pieces you have to pick up and rea.s.semble into a new, durable mosaic. You have achieved true solidarity when you speak with a single voice to friends, family, and children but also maintain your individuality.

Potential distractions come wrapped up in all kinds of tempting packages, but the couple still has to he aware of people and activities that draw precious resources away from their relations.h.i.+p. Whatever the outside interest is, it has to be reformulated so that it strengthens the couple's relations.h.i.+p instead of weakening it.

Shared Responsibility Both of you are responsible for healing your relations.h.i.+p, but the affair has to be indisputably over for the recovery process to stay on track. You can tell that couples are recovering when they are more resilient and handle traumatic symptoms together. They are responsive to each other's efforts to provide rea.s.surance and reestablish trust. A healing process reflects equal effort and partic.i.p.ation. Both partners have to breathe life into the embers so the fire doesn't go out.

Shared Intimacy Couples with a united front turn to each other with their deepest thoughts and feelings more readily than they turn to anyone else. Ralph and Rachel came into therapy one day and mentioned that they had stayed up late one night talking about a particularly sensitive issue. I was thrilled when they said that they preferred to keep their discussion private because it was too personal to reveal in therapy. It is crystal clear that a couple has achieved genuine intimacy and comfort when they feel safer talking confidentially to each other than to their therapist.