Not Just Friends Part 15

Both women-the wife and the affair partner-need to gain a fuller understanding of each other as people in order to recover.

The Story through the Lens of the Other Woman As we have seen in the earlier chapters of this book, most affairs start from the innocent spark of friends.h.i.+p. Two people find themselves spending time together, enjoying each other's conversation, and the attraction starts to burn. They don't intend to get involved past the boundaries of being friends, colleagues, or a.s.sociates. When they do fall for each other, they fall deeply because the relations.h.i.+p has developed over time and is based on an intense intimacy. They have a hard landing if the affair ends because they are plunging from the height of romantic love.

Some affair partners, like Sophie, are eventually able to bounce back and get on with their lives after being rejected by a married partner. Others, like Peggy, are shattered by the crash landing of a prolonged affair. The following stories of Sophie and Peggy describe an affair through the eyes of the other woman.

Sophie's Lost Friends.h.i.+p Sophie and Randy were professional colleagues who never expected to have an affair. He was devoted to his wife, Rianna, and he had strong religious principles. He and Sophie did not recognize the signs that they were on the slippery slope; their love affair developed slowly over a three-year period and lasted one year before his guilt drove him to confess to his wife. This is their aborted love story.

Falling: Sophie and Randy loved working together at the bank and brainstorming about new projects. She savored his willingness to open up to her. She listened as he disclosed his worries about work-related problems. When she responded to him with humor or insight, he made her feel brilliant and extraordinarily wise. She often thought about how lucky she was that this wonderful man had chosen her as his confidant.

As their intimacy deepened, he told her more about his wife and children. He never said anything negative, so she convinced herself that her relations.h.i.+p with Randy was just a friends.h.i.+p-not a betrayal. Gradually, however, he admitted to Sophie that they shared similar interests that he did not have in common with his wife. Sophie began to think that his home life was barren and that he would be much better off with a wife who shared his intellectual and cultural interests.

Enjoying: This was the golden era of their relations.h.i.+p. They were clearly crazy about each other. They mostly hung out at lunch and after hours at work. They couldn't take a chance on being seen together publicly. He brought her books to read, videotapes of movies to watch, and CDs to listen to, which they spent hours discussing in their offices and on their cell phones. Months later, at her apartment, they tentatively began touching each other. Once they hail crossed that physical barrier, it was inevitable that they would go on to lovemaking during their next tryst. She felt that no one had ever loved her body as much as he did. They regarded each other as true soul mates.

Waiting and wondering: They lived from interlude to interlude. Sophie planned her life around the times they could be together. If he suddenly became available, she cancelled plans with her friends. Seeing each other at work provided continuity and a connection that she treasured, but the strain of secrecy and a part-time romance was taking its toll on her. She wanted to shout from the rooftops that she had found the love of her life. Occasionally, the unpleasant thought surfaced that because he was lying to his wife about her, maybe he was lying to her about his wife.

Daydreaming: In spite of herself, Sophie started daydreaming about being married to Randy. She instinctively felt that this was what he wanted too. She visualized living with him in a house just as nice as the one he was living in now. She pictured them sitting in front of the fireplace listening to symphonic music, going to the theater together, and having friends over for gourmet dinners and political discussions. She longed for the time when they could be together openly.

Worrying: The full force of her situation was. .h.i.tting her. Although she liked to think that their relations.h.i.+p was unique, she recognized that she had joined the large group of women who get "stolen hours" while the wife gets weekends, holidays, and birthdays. When her best friend got married, Sophie was jealous and wondered if it would ever be her turn to have a full-time partner.

Regretting: After Randy confessed everything to his wife, he called Sophie. He told her that he didn't know how things were going to fall out in his marriage, but he still loved her. His words sounded hollow. Secretly, she had wished that Rianna would find out. She had been sure that once he was pushed to make a choice, he would choose her. Now she wasn't so sure.

Of the 4,100 prominent men surveyed by Jan Halper, 85 percent who cheated on their wives stayed in their marriages. Only 3 percent of the men who got divorced during an affair ended up marrying their illicit lovers.3

While Randy was resolving his ambivalence, he went back and forth between the two women. One day, during his period of indecision, it came to Sophie in a rush that he would choose his wife. She was the one who would be abandoned with nothing to show for it. She was right. When Randy got back in touch with his religious principles, he realized he couldn't leave his wife and family and start a new relations.h.i.+p based on immorality and deception.

Not only did Sophie lose the love of her life, she also lost her best friend. Every time she b.u.mped into him at the bank, she tried to tell him how much she missed him. She needed to hear that he loved her as much as she loved him. At first he showed concern and caring, but then he became increasingly distant. She realized she couldn't stand to see him at the bank every day and act as if they meant nothing to each other. She applied for a transfer to another branch.

Obsessing: Even though Sophie tried to get Randy out of her mind, she found herself calling his answering machine just to hear his voice. She rode past his house and looked longingly through the picture window and imagined him listening to one of their favorite symphonies. She found excuses to call him for advice on business decisions at her branch. She was mortified and humiliated when he called her one night and told her that he was changing his telephone service to an unlisted number. That was not why he called, however; he wanted her to know that he and his wife would issue a restraining order if she continued to hara.s.s him.

Sophie couldn't believe how low she had sunk. If it hadn't been for her parents and her adoring dog, she would have taken her life that night.

Rebounding and realizing: Sophie was badly shaken. She knew she had to do something to get a grip on herself. She began therapy and started taking antidepressants to get her through the agony of letting go. Gradually, she was able to replace her romantic fantasies of marrying Randy with a more realistic view. She resumed contact with her old girlfriends, who had been neglected while she was sneaking around with Randy.

As difficult as it was to be dumped, it might have been worse for Sophie if Randy had actually left his wife, kids, and job to be with her. He had financial responsibility for his family, still cared about the well-being of his wife, and would have been torn apart by the pain of his children over a divorce. Sophie realized that Handy might have begun to blame her for the breakup of his marriage and his fall from grace. His teenage children would never have accepted the woman who broke up their family. She would still have been competing for his time and money. Instead of happily ever after, her story would have turned into jealously ever after.

She eventually realized that he had done her a favor by not continuing with her in an eternal triangle. It frightened her that she might have allowed herself to give him the best years of her life. She was still young and could fulfill her dreams of a home and family with someone who held similar visions for the future.

The next story, about Peggy's clandestine love affair, is Sophie's nightmare come true.

Peggy's Lost Years Peggy had waited fifteen years for Elliott to leave Elsa, but there was always one more family milestone for him to get through. After each milestone pa.s.sed, Elliott found another reason to stay married. Every time her hopes were dashed, Peggy was heartbroken and threatened to leave the relations.h.i.+p in an attempt to start her life over. Elliott always came back with heartfelt apologies and seductive promises. She viewed her new SUV and beautiful condo as expressions of his commitment to her, not as expensive bribes to pacify her.

Then, when Elliott's last child got married, he did finally leave his wife. After his divorce was final, Peggy waited excitedly for a diamond ring. Two weeks later, he told her he was getting married-to another woman whom Peggy didn't even know existed. She was crushed to find out that she wasn't the only "other woman" in his life.

She walked into my office in a Mate of hysteria. How could this have happened to her? When she recalled the years she'd spent bolstering this man, postponing her own personal goals, and settling for the leftovers, she was furious. She felt stupid for believing him when he said they'd be together. He had cheated on her just as he had cheated on his wife.

Peggy was twenty-four years old when she met Elliott. Now she was thirty-nine, and her biological clock had been ticking away during all those years. Her rage that she had given him her prime years was directed more at herself than at him. She realized she had been a willing accomplice in her own victimization. His help in her climb up the corporate ladder was no compensation for the sacrifice of her personal life. She needed to understand what it was in her own family background that made her vulnerable to being the other woman. She also needed to understand how she had subjugated herself to a powerful, older man like Elliott.

Power Balance: Who's on Top?

There is an imbalance of power in the affair when one individual is viewed as a subordinate or is more dependent on the relations.h.i.+p than the other. Peggy's reliance on Elliott for s.e.x, love, and career advancement gave him greater power in their relations.h.i.+p. Although Sophie and Randy were on an equal footing in their careers, Sophie had less power because she had n.o.body but him, and he had his wife. As we shall see, however, there is a new breed of women who retain power by being emotionally independent from their married lovers.4 Dependent Women The dependent affair partner settles for stolen moments and relinquishes weekends, holidays, and special occasions. She is on call, like a genie in a bottle sitting on the shelf until she's asked to appear. When her lover summons her, she drops whatever she is doing to be available. She, on the other hand, is seldom able to get an immediate response from her lover when she is feeling lonely for companions.h.i.+p and attention.

Not all single women who become involved with married men have made a rational choice to do so. Naive young women can find themselves in tricky situations at work. When I was writing an on-line advice column, I received e-mails from single women who were on the slippery slope at work with married men, often their bosses. They were flattered by the attention, confused about the intentions of these powerful men, and worried about doing anything that would jeopardize their jobs.

According to marital therapists Anthony Schuham and Waldo Bird, 60 percent of the affair partners of prominent men were secretaries or office a.s.sistants, and the remaining 40 percent were from lower socioeconomic backgrounds.6

Here is an abridged correspondence with a confused employee:5 Dear Dr. Gla.s.s,I am falling in love with my boss. I know he has feelings for me, too. He always takes breaks with me and covers up for me if I'm late. He puts his arm around me as we are walking and talking. There is one small problem. He's married!!! Whenever the subject of his wife comes up, he walks away from me. I know that it would not be right for me to go after a married man. What should I do? I do wonder what's on his mind.Just call me "Confused"

Dear Confused,Catch yourself before you go any further. Married men who pursue younger women at work are usually just looking for a little fun on the side and rarely leave their wives. His refusal to discuss his wife with you maintains his loyalty to her and keeps his family and office lives completely separate.You show him that his attention is pleasing to you by not pulling away when he puts his arm around you. Avoid being alone with him, and discourage his friendliness. Be very professional in your demeanor and only talk to him about business. If he continues to pursue you, tell him that you are not interested in a personal relations.h.i.+p. If he bothers you with unwanted s.e.xual remarks or inappropriate affectionate gestures, then you are being s.e.xually hara.s.sed. Confide in a friend or family member to get support while you try to disengage. If you can't control your feelings for him, then you should consider looking for another job.

Reflectfully yours,s.h.i.+rley Gla.s.s In Peggy's situation, financial incentives became a gilded cage that helped to sustain an unhealthy relations.h.i.+p. An older man can also act as a mentor who takes a promising young woman under his wing and fosters her career. His marital status seems irrelevant as he shares his expertise and prestigious connections with his eager young disciple. A woman whose father was physically or emotionally unavailable can be more vulnerable to moving into an affair with her mentor because she craves the attention and encouragement she missed during childhood.

Laurel Richardson interviewed fifty-five single women who had affairs with married men. In almost 30 percent of the affairs, the men had supervised or mentored the women.7

Independent Women The new other woman is a term used by Laurel Richardson to describe independent single women who deliberately choose married men with whom they can relate on an equal or superior level. These career-minded women relish their freedom, so they prefer a relations.h.i.+p with no strings attached. They get to love their men and send, them home. Let their wives worry about the bills, the laundry, and the kids. They will end the relations.h.i.+p if the man becomes too emotionally attached or demanding of their time.

Helens first marriage had ended in divorce after two years because her job was a greater priority than her husband. When she considered her parents' marriage and her own, the whole marriage setup looked like a trap. She liked being accountable only to herself. She made time for her married lover when it fit into her schedule. She could enjoy the best parts of him and be free of any need to change him. If he was irresponsible with money or too indulgent with his kids, she was glad to look the other way. She liked to tease that she was a "low-maintenance mistress" because she made no demands of time or money-just good s.e.x and sparkling conversation. If one of her lovers began to feel deeply about her or hinted that he might leave his wife for her, she dumped him.

The Guilt-Free Affair Many single women who have affairs with married men appear to experience very little guilt. A magazine survey of 4,700 single women involved with married men revealed that 84 percent knew that their lovers were married. Although very few of them had reservations about sharing a man with his wife, 61 percent said that they would break off the relations.h.i.+p if he had another lover besides them.8

In the survey of "the other woman" in Woman magazine, 30 percent said they felt no guilt, and 32 percent had very little guilt.

The married lover frequently feeds into the other woman's perception that she is doing no harm. To keep his affair partner on the string, he feeds into her belief that he is stuck in an empty-sh.e.l.l marriage because of family responsibilities. But no matter how her married lover may have demeaned his wife, the affair partner who turns his wife into a nonperson is devaluing women, in general.

The other woman may use rationalization, denial, or unconscious mechanisms to avoid feeling guilty. In some cases, she simply has no conscience about what she is doing and no empathy for the wife and children she is sabotaging. There are as many variations of guilt-free affair partners as there are guilt-free philanderers.

- Antagonist: This woman betrays other women by stealing their husbands. She views other women as rivals and feels no need for loyalty to or identification with her own gender. She does not regard herself as a "sister" to other women. She seldom has other women as friends and leans on men to enhance her fragile ego and gratify her emotional needs.

- Ant.i.traditionalist: Another guilt-free affair partner is the unconventional woman who opposes the inst.i.tution of marriage as being outdated. She a.s.serts that all marriages are flawed, so why should she restrict herself to an ancient contract whose main purpose is to suppress woman? There's no reason to constrain the richness of life just because the man you love happens to be married. While she shares some characteristics with the New Other Woman, the ant.i.traditionalist has a philosophical abhorrence for marriage as an inst.i.tution.

- Escapist: To deny the existence of his wife and family, the escapist affair partner puts the marriage out of mind and out of sight. She never asks questions about his other life. She doesn't consider any repercussions from their illicit affair because the time she spends with her lover is an escape into an alternate reality.

- Family counselor: a.s.suming the role of family therapist is another way to a.s.suage guilt. The other woman offers insights to improve her lover's communication with his children and to help him understand his wife's point of view. Acting partly out of real concern and partly out of self-preservation, she tries to make things better. Laurel Richardson says that the single woman affair partner does "feminist social work among the married." As a result, the affair partner perceives herself as a good person who makes positive contributions to her lover's family life.

- Unwitting partic.i.p.ant: Finally, the affair partner may not feel guilty because she doesn't know that she is the "other woman." Some men pretend to be single as part of their "dating" strategy, especially on the Internet. The unwitting partic.i.p.ant in his infidelity doesn't know that she isn't his one and only. When Kayla began her on-line romance with Melvin, it never occurred to her that he might be married. Two days before Melvin was due to fly out to meet Kayla in person, she received a phone call ending their relations.h.i.+p. He told her that he was married and that he loved his wife, Mollie. Kayla was so shocked she couldn't get over it. She e-mailed him to get some closure, but he didn't respond. She called him, but he was cold and distant. Kayla learned the hard way to always verify independently that a man pursuing her is free of other commitments. When Kayla began her on-line romance with Melvin, it never occurred to her that he might be married. Two days before Melvin was due to fly out to meet Kayla in person, she received a phone call ending their relations.h.i.+p. He told her that he was married and that he loved his wife, Mollie. Kayla was so shocked she couldn't get over it. She e-mailed him to get some closure, but he didn't respond. She called him, but he was cold and distant. Kayla learned the hard way to always verify independently that a man pursuing her is free of other commitments.

Getting to the Root of It Although many women have no guilt about being involved with married men, only a few survive with no regrets. Connecting with a married man may be a one-time aberration or a lifelong pattern that is a connection between the unmarried affair partner and her past. The other woman is often replicating dysfunctional triangles in her family of origin or other significant roles from her childhood relations.h.i.+ps.

Family Triangles The childhood stories of many single women who get involved with married men reveal patterns of triangulating with mothers, siblings, grandparents, or the illicit lovers of parents. In what amounts to emotional incest, some fathers shower their daughter (instead of their wives) with compliments and attention.9 In other cases, girls jealously watch as their fathers' attention is directed toward other women, at the expense of their wives and children. In both scenarios, the daughter sees that the wife gets the short end of the stick: all of the pain and none of the pleasure. The mother is perceived by her daughter as a negative role model who is either weak or unappealing. The daughter does not want to end up like her mother. In other cases, girls jealously watch as their fathers' attention is directed toward other women, at the expense of their wives and children. In both scenarios, the daughter sees that the wife gets the short end of the stick: all of the pain and none of the pleasure. The mother is perceived by her daughter as a negative role model who is either weak or unappealing. The daughter does not want to end up like her mother.

Many of these girls grow up with an unconscious drive to be the other woman in an extramarital triangle. Rather than being a deterrent, the fact that the men whom these women get involved with are married is part of the attraction. They are very much aware of the wife and are competing with her in an attempt to replace her, outdo her, or rescue their married lover from her grasp.

Daddy's Girl After Karl ended their affair, Britney was heartbroken. In therapy, she recounted a series of affairs with married men. I made the observation that Britney's relations.h.i.+ps had been not only with the men, but with their wives. Her affairs had been contests for love, and the prize had been the victory over the wife as much as the man himself. She was competing to be the favorite. That's why she was so nasty when Karen, Karl's wife, showed up at the law office.

Britney's role as the wife's rival reflected her early relations.h.i.+p with her parents. Her father inappropriately confided in his daughter the details of his disappointing marriage. On Valentine's Day, Britney got a box of candy from her father, but her mother got nothing. Britney had mixed feelings: although she liked her father's attention, she saw how hurt her mother was. To alleviate her guilt, she convinced herself that her mother didn't deserve anything because she was distant and unaffectionate. Britney didn't realize that her mother's coldness was a depressed response to her husband's neglect.

Daddy's Other Women Zelda remembered how her father had humiliated her mother by flirting with other women every time they went out together as a family. As a little girl, she had learned about his secret life when she caught him kissing the lady next door and saw her holding a jewelry box. Zelda felt so sorry for her mother that she vowed she would never allow herself to be in the position of the rejected wife. The position of the other woman looked much more appealing. Zelda's seduction of Al was just another manifestation of her drive to repeat this early triangle by becoming the other woman over and over again.

Saving Daddy from a Bad Marriage Unless the affair partner knows the wife personally, the unfaithful husband can give the false impression that he and his wife don't love each other anymore and that they never have s.e.x. Samantha saw her mother treat her father badly, so she had no trouble believing that Jerry's wife was doing the same to him. She didn't see him as a saint, but she had no trouble seeing him as saintly for putting up with years of celibacy. Samantha was shocked when June confronted her at the airport and shouted, "Remember when you called the other night? We were making love! We do that a lot." No wonder Samantha felt betrayed. She had been led to believe that Jerry reserved his s.e.xual pleasure for her alone.

A s.e.xy Veneer The other woman who is seductive in behavior and appearance uses s.e.xuality as a way to attract men. She longs for someone who will value her for herself, but her s.e.xual favors are the only personal merchandise she has confidence in. As soon as she seeks a deeper relations.h.i.+p she is rejected by the married lover, who was interested in her only as the playmate she pitched herself to be. To the outsider it might look like a "bait and switch" routine: she offers the promise of no-ha.s.sle fun and games but then begins to realize that she wants and needs more. It's sad that so many beautiful and intelligent young women have been shaped by unfortunate early circ.u.mstances, so that they take on behavior that is ultimately destructive to themselves and the marriages they disrupt.

Tina was s.e.xually molested during her childhood by her uncle and also by a teenage baby sitter. She was extremely confused by these experiences; although they made her feel like she was "special," they left her with a "yukky" sensation in the pit of her stomach. She never resisted because she was a lonely girl who was hungry for affection and attention. During her teen years, she attracted lots of boys by being "easy," but she never had a real boyfriend.

After high school graduation, she rejected the advances of coworkers who were interested in her. She didn't ever want any man to take advantage of her again. Then she discovered she could gain more control by becoming the one who made s.e.xual overtures rather than the one who was always being "hit on." She felt a greater sense of power by deliberately seducing Gavin, who was committed to his wife, than by falling prey to a man who was obviously on the prowl.

Although Tina's lifestyle gave her the illusion of power, she could easily have become a victim of her own self-destructive behaviors because she did not protect herself against infection, pregnancy, or rejection. Her search for intensity masked the hollow life she was leading. After Grace made Gavin stop seeing her, she yearned for a companion of her own to grow old with. She was thirty-two years old, and the longest relations.h.i.+p she had ever had lasted ten months. The question was: Could she be happy with a man who was committed to her, or would she feel smothered and controlled by allowing herself to be dependent on a man?

A Heart of Gold Isabel had a soft heart. So much so that she sometimes felt like a cliche. She took in stray cats and contributed her hard-earned money to every sad-eyed supplicant on the sidewalks of New York City. The trouble was that her heart of gold didn't stop at cats and street people.

When Isabel was first introduced to Wayne at a party, they clicked immediately. She listened empathically as he recounted his recent run of bad luck. He told her that his wife was an extravagant spender who was furious with him for losing his job.

At first Isabel met him regularly at restaurants and coffee shops just to give him moral support. As time went on, though, she found herself getting more and more involved. She helped him get over his marijuana habit and used her connections to get him a new job. Then he started coming over to her studio apartment for breakfast and dinner. In less than a month, they became lovers and he moved in with her.

Isabel paid for almost everything because Wayne's money went to helping out his wife and children. He told Isabel that he no longer loved his wife, but he felt a little guilty about leaving her in the lurch. Nevertheless, he didn't feel any guilt about leaving Isabel in the lurch when one day he just up and left. Isabel was shattered.

As usual, Isabel had given so much and had asked for so little in return. She was always taking on the problems of men who leaned on her because of her competence and understanding. Three of these relations.h.i.+ps had been with married men. It's true that they made her feel good about herself, but it's also true that she took on the emotional burdens of a wife without any of the benefits.

In Isabel's family, she had a.s.sumed the role of the caretaker. Her father had been a weak, inadequate man, and her mother had suffered from a chronic medical condition. Isabels older sister ran away from home at age sixteen, and her younger sister was self-centered and demanding. It fell to Isabel to see that everyone was happy. Her selflessness extended into her adult relations.h.i.+ps, where she gave and gave with little expectation of receiving anything in return.

Lessons for the Affair Partner If you are trying to heal from a broken affair, there are ways to help yourself. You might have lost an important person in your life, but you don't have to lose those important parts of yourself that grew during that experience. Focus on what you can learn from this life-altering event: - Think about how easy it is to idealize a relations.h.i.+p when it's not based in real life. Because you didn't live with your lover, you never lived with the day-to-day grind of real-life issues. The very qualities in him that you found so attractive could very well have driven you nuts after a while. The way he made time for you by deceiving his wife could come back to haunt you. A man with a history of infidelity is not the best candidate for a life partner.

n.o.body can know what its like to live with another person without taking s.h.i.+rley's Toothpaste Test. Sharing the same tube of toothpaste is one of those tests of a relations.h.i.+p that you can't possibly capture in a hit-and-run romance. Does he squeeze from the bottom or the top? Does he leave the cap off? These are the minutiae upon which a marriage often revolves. So, unless you and your affair partner survive the toothpaste test-or some variation of it-together, you'll never know whether it would have worked out.

- Give yourself time to mourn and feel the depth of your grief. Before you can move on, you must express your feelings and share your memories with someone. You have suffered a significant loss. Cry when you feel like it and give yourself as much time as you need to return to normal. Talk to someone who can listen and support you. Stay away from people who say "I told you so." You need to feel the enormity of your loss before you will be ready to do a postmortem on the wouldas, shouldas, and couldas.

- Cultivate friends.h.i.+ps with other women. Instead of seeing other women as rivals, look at them as friends and positive role models. If you like men better than you like women, it is possible that you are having trouble accepting your own feminine role. The sisterhood of other women provides an emotional connection that is irreplaceable. Even women who have wonderful marriages rely on their women friends to understand and share their experiences in a way that is out of reach for men.

- Seeing the wife in a more sympathetic light is a sign of moving on. The wife is rarely as bad as you may have painted her. To get on with your life, you need to develop some understanding and empathy for the woman you were trying to displace. When you can see the wife as a human being whose actions and feelings have validity, then you can remove your own blinders and carry your sharpened vision and newfound empathy into future relations.h.i.+ps.

Lessons for the Couple The basic guidelines for healing are the same for the betrayed spouse and the affair partner: once the affair is over, mourn your losses, understand yourself better in the context of the affair, humanize your rival, and get on with your life. You don't have to see the affair as a story that is confined to perpetrators and victims.

Part of the work of healing for the couple involves resolving the contrasting perceptions of the affair partner. If the betrayed partner continues to demonize and the involved partner continues to idealize the affair partner, they are drawing emotional resources away from their own relations.h.i.+p. The betrayed spouse may think the affair partner deserves to suffer because of the suffering she caused. Focusing all of your outrage on her is a way to deny the complicity and duplicity of the unfaithful spouse. It always feels safer to blame the outlander than to a.s.sess the weakness in your own camp. The betrayed partner will have to accept some of the affair partner's positive human qualities, and the involved partner will have to accept some of her imperfections. There are no winners in the resolution of extramarital triangles-only survivors.

In the final section of the book, we conclude the healing journey by tackling unfinished business and impediments to forgiveness. Then we move on to rituals for a renewed commitment and signs of a strengthened relations.h.i.+p.

The last chapter is for those of you who are going to do your healing alone. You will be inspired by stories on how to live fully and happily as a single person after recovering from your loss during this next phase of your life story.

PART IV.

The Healing Journey

In the last part of this book, I'll help you to craft an approach to healing that allows you to move forward. Whether your healing is accomplished with your partner or alone, you can once again find love, joy, and purpose in life. In difficult times, we all need to be reminded that insight and strength are born from pain and struggle. Moving forward means letting go of the anger and suffering that keep you tied to the past.

Healing takes time. No matter how many times you hear it, it's still true. For recovering couples, patience is more than a virtue-it's a prerequisite. In my experience, it takes several months to get over the initial shock, and full recovery and healing can take several years. Traumatic reactions such as flashbacks and hypervigilance become a rare occurrence but can still be triggered years later.

In the final steps of recovery, couples must work together to complete unfinished business and develop a united front. You can reconstruct a stronger marriage by addressing the relations.h.i.+p vulnerabilities exposed by the affair. Your healing will be delayed if questions remain unanswered or if you're not convinced of your partner's honesty and fidelity. Regardless of whether you continue your journey as part of a couple or as a single person, forgiveness means you let go of anger and pain but remember the lessons.

In the Afterword, I summarize the major points of the book to help you remember how to maintain safe friends.h.i.+ps and preserve committed relations.h.i.+ps. I include essential facts about infidelity And love, and pointers on how to prevent infidelity and recover from betrayal. A vulnerability chart helps you compare the individual, relational, and social-cultural factors that could make your relations.h.i.+p vulnerable to infidelity.

13.

HEALING TOGETHER.

Most days, I can't believe how close we are. That's why it's such a surprise to us when something unexpectedly triggers another "day from h.e.l.l."

YOU'VE MADE an effort to rebuild your marriage. Your communication is now more honest and more caring. You've talked about your personal backgrounds, your marriage, and the meaning of the affair. You cherish the special moments when you feel secure and happy together. No wonder it's so confusing and upsetting when you run up against things that you expected to be over and done with long before now. an effort to rebuild your marriage. Your communication is now more honest and more caring. You've talked about your personal backgrounds, your marriage, and the meaning of the affair. You cherish the special moments when you feel secure and happy together. No wonder it's so confusing and upsetting when you run up against things that you expected to be over and done with long before now.

During their recovery, Ralph and Rachel handled some troubling incidents with exceptional togetherness. Rachel burst into tears in the middle of making love because she was struck by the bittersweet joy of their renewed s.e.xual intimacy, and Ralph held her tenderly in his arms without any defensiveness or resentment while she cried. When Rachel had a flashback while they were watching a movie, Ralph turned off the VCR to handle the disturbing memories together. When Rachel became anxious that Ralph had to go away to a weekend conference, she arranged for a baby sitter so they could have a mini-vacation together without the children.

An affair is like a radioactive substance: dangerous and potentially lethal, but also a powerful agent of change. Energy that's released by the affair gradually launches new insights and improved interactions that revamp the marriage. Relations.h.i.+ps are often remarkably revitalized.

The road to recovery and healing is marked by hard work and heart-breaking events. If you are like other couples, you've had to alter your perceptions of what you want and what it is possible for you to get from your relations.h.i.+p. You will probably still mourn the loss of the a.s.sumptions and dreams you held about the marriage or the affair as you work on the painstaking task of rebuilding, moment by moment.

Recovering means that the infidelity is no longer the focus of daily life: each partner has regained equilibrium and is able to perform normal activities, and you can work together when you need to. Healing means that most of the time it hardly hurts at all: Both partners have regained hopefulness, confidence, and the resilience to recover from whatever losses may occur in the future. The healing couple proceeds in an atmosphere of safety, shared meaning, caring, commitment, and honest communication.

You will know that the recovery process is on track if the affair is over, the unfaithful partner is visibly moving back into the marriage, and you're addressing the betrayed partner's unhealed wounds. Betrayed spouses who are recovering respond positively to the efforts of unfaithful partners to provide rea.s.surance and reestablish trust. The goal is to reestablish ident.i.ty as a couple and put the past into perspective-in spite of the pain that persists.