Not Just Friends Part 11

If you are the involved partner, however, you should not fabricate a story of unrequited love just to satisfy your partner's misguided projections. Be honest about whatever romantic declarations or talk of the future did occur. Otherwise, your betrayed partner may fill in the blanks with scenarios that are far more painful than the actual truth. Admit it if you ever shared dreams of "riding off into the sunset" together or said "I love you" in the heat of pa.s.sion. I have seen it backfire when betrayed partners found incriminating love letters or e-mails after involved partners denied exchanging words of love or dreams of the future.

If you are the betrayed partner, make a strong effort to hear the story without filtering it through your own subjective lens. Infidelity does occur without falling in love. You must be open to versions that vary from your belief system unless you have valid evidence that you are getting a watered-down rendition.

7. What did you see in the affair partner?

The betrayed partner will already have a portrait of the affair partner, but it is almost never the whole picture. Betrayed spouses are p.r.o.ne to place all the blame on the affair partner, preferring to believe that their gullible spouse was manipulated and seduced. They may not be willing to accept that the person to whom they're married took an active role, and therefore displace a lot of the anger and rage onto the affair partner. Involved partners must recount the ways they encouraged the affair and invested energy to keep it going. It is less likely that an infidelity will happen again when the involved partner owns up to having been a full partic.i.p.ant.

Al and Amber quarreled about their divergent perceptions of his affair partner, Zelda, who worked for him. Amber regarded Zelda as "a b.i.t.c.h and a manipulative s.l.u.t who was out to get Al's money." In reaction, Al glorified Zelda's competence and loyalty. But the more Al talked about Zelda, the more he realized that he could never have maintained a long-term relations.h.i.+p with her because of her mood swings. Amber, on the other hand, grew to understand that Zelda's constant praise and high energy appealed to Al. Finally, they arrived at a combined picture of Zelda as a hard-working woman with a charged personality who used flattery to get what she wanted.

Betrayed partners vacillate between glorifying the lover as an incomparable rival and disparaging him or her as a despicable human being. Questions about physical appearance, personality, and intellect are attempts to see whether they measure up to their rival in s.e.x appeal and achievement. These questions aren't helpful, as they seldom reveal the lure of the affair partner. In fact, many betrayed partners are astounded to see affair partners looking rather ordinary. The appeal of the affair is frequently in the positive mirroring or the sounding board it provides, rather than in the lover's charisma.

8. What did you like about yourself in the affair? How were you different?

Instead of focusing on what the affair partner was like, it is more productive to focus on what the unfaithful partner was like in the extramarital relations.h.i.+p. New relations.h.i.+ps allow people to be different: more a.s.sertive, more frivolous, or more giving. A strong attraction of affairs is the opportunity to try on new roles: the insensitive, detached husband becomes energized by his own empathy and devotion; the s.e.xually uninterested wife is exhilarated by newfound pa.s.sion and erotic fantasies. In long-term relations.h.i.+ps, the potential to develop a different persona is constricted by familiarity. For example, a man who is a powerful CEO in a large corporation is regarded and teased in his family of origin as "the baby."

A good question for the involved partner is: "What did you experience about yourself in the affair that you would like to experience in the marriage?" Perhaps the marriage can begin to foster these positive aspects of the self. In fact, the betrayed partner may have been wis.h.i.+ng to see those qualities all along and may find it hurtful that the involved partner enjoyed them first with somebody else.

9. Were there previous infidelities or opportunities, and how was this time similar or different?

This is an opportunity to examine any patterns of infidelity or near misses that may be relevant to how this affair unfolded. Discuss how you or your partner handled previous temptations, even if no lines were crossed. Explore past experiences of slippery slopes and blurred boundaries. If this is not the first incident, ask how this infidelity is different from or the same as the others. Were there earlier experiences that were "only oral s.e.x" or "s.e.x without love" or "love without s.e.x"?

Partners who were too accepting of an earlier infidelity can mislead their spouses into thinking it's no big deal to be discovered. One unfaithful husband told me that his affair had been worth it. It had taken him only two weeks to pay for something that had felt good for six months.

Not every couple takes the time or has the guidance and support to work through betrayals that have occurred before. Although you might prefer to move ahead without dredging up all that old, miserable stuff, past affairs that are not dealt with will continue to contaminate your relations.h.i.+p.

10. Did you have unprotected s.e.x?

Sad to say, this is one of those questions that you must ask. Ignoring the risk of disease or pregnancy is a thoughtless act. Some unfaithful partners give an adolescent rationale: "We were swept away by love and didn't want it to look like it was preplanned." Although relying on birth control pills or diaphragms may protect from unwanted pregnancies, those methods still expose the partic.i.p.ants to s.e.xually transmitted diseases. Few people regard their affair partners as a possible source of infection, so they don't take the necessary precautions to have safe s.e.x.12

Based on data from a National AIDS Behavioral Survey, low levels of condom use were found among married subjects age eighteen to forty-nine reporting extramarital s.e.x: 60 to 64 percent did not use condoms with the extramarital partner.13

Unprotected s.e.x is a painful reminder of how inconsiderate and reckless the unfaithful partner may have been during the affair. Regardless of protestations, both spouses should be tested for AIDS and other s.e.xually transmitted diseases. Willingness to submit to these humbling medical exams and tests is an act of consideration and accountability by the involved partner that will remove another obstacle to resuming safe marital s.e.x.

Search for Meaning It takes many conversations before a couple is able to reach a consensus on the complex issues involved in infidelity. And it is unrealistic to expect that they will agree on all dimensions. Here are two examples of couples who found the meaning of the infidelity through a collaborative effort.

Karla had an affair with her husband Kent's best friend. They described a breakthrough they had at home during a search for understanding and how relieved and close they felt as a result: Kent: This has been so hurtful ... I was betrayed by my wife and my best friend.Karla (acknowledging empathically): I felt you didn't love me because you didn't desire me s.e.xually.Kent: That's because I was anemic. I didn't have any energy. I've always loved you. Since I've been taking medication, s.e.x hasn't been a problem. What does that have to do with love?Karla: Because of my emotional deprivation growing up, I realize that I have gone to s.e.x as a way of getting love. I remember doing that in college. I had lots of brief s.e.xual relations.h.i.+ps when what I was really looking for was affection and approval.Kent: You're saying that my not desiring s.e.x meant to you that I didn't love you, so you went outside our marriage.Karla: It was a terrible thing to do. I know now that you must love me if you're staying with me. I realize that the support and acceptance you give me is a true sign of your love.

In this discussion, Kent and Karla share information and are thoughtful, introspective, and open. Both felt that it brought them to a new level of intimacy.

One of the greatest obstacles to the recovery of Grace and Gavin was their dispute about the meaning of his extramarital s.e.x. Grace went ballistic when he said he had always been committed to her and was only having a little fun. According to Grace, a s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p that went on for two years was clearly an affair. Gavin would not agree that he had an "affair" because he had never been in love with Tina.

After several months of conflicting perceptions, Gavin and Grace were finally able to agree on the meaning of his s.e.xual infidelity. Gavin realized that he was afraid of aging and declining s.e.xuality. He had been avoiding s.e.xual intercourse with Grace for the year preceding his infidelity because of erectile dysfunction. Tina's attention was flattering because she was much younger; he felt as if he had found the "fountain of youth." His excitement temporarily overcame his impotence. He had had many casual s.e.x partners before marriage, so he didn't perceive occasional s.e.x with Tina as an "extramarital affair."

When they were able to see his infidelity through each other's eyes, they felt more deeply connected. Gavin finally understood that what was trivial s.e.x to him was a profound betrayal to Grace, and Grace accepted that Gavin's s.e.xual affair was not about love or a failing marriage. They were able to commit themselves to Grace's definition of fidelity for the future.

Through the process of talking, telling, sharing, and listening, you are rebuilding trust. The driving need to know becomes a positive energy source that changes the way you interact. You are learning to be together as two hurting people who care about each other and want to understand each other's pains and fears.

No story of an affair is complete without discussing the complex factors that set the stage for infidelity. The vulnerabilities that create the context for an affair are discussed in the ensuing chapters in the stories of the marriage, the individuals, the outside influences, and the affair partner. Understanding what led to the affair is not a simple recounting of attraction and opportunity but a complex weaving of personal and relations.h.i.+p vulnerabilities.

9.

THE STORY OF YOUR MARRIAGE.

I thought we had a good marriage. Now I'm hearing that you've been unhappy for years.

AFTER E ELSA told her mother that Elliott had been cheating on her for most of their married life, she felt criticized rather than consoled. Her mother said, "What did you do wrong? People don't cheat unless something is missing at home." Elsa's mother mistakenly believed the Prevention Myth: A happy marriage is insurance against infidelity. Despite research evidence to the contrary, told her mother that Elliott had been cheating on her for most of their married life, she felt criticized rather than consoled. Her mother said, "What did you do wrong? People don't cheat unless something is missing at home." Elsa's mother mistakenly believed the Prevention Myth: A happy marriage is insurance against infidelity. Despite research evidence to the contrary,1 even many therapists consider affairs to be an unmistakable sign of a faulty marriage. even many therapists consider affairs to be an unmistakable sign of a faulty marriage.

In my therapist survey, 53 percent of the female therapists and 39 percent of the male therapists disagreed with this statement: Extramarital involvement occurs in happy marriages and is not necessarily a symptom of a distressed relations.h.i.+p.2

When people marry, they bring almost mythic a.s.sumptions to the union, including these: If we love each other, you will not cheat on me; if we have a good marriage, we will be safe from infidelity. The truth is that not every person who is unfaithful is unhappily married. Marital distress can be seen as either the cause or the consequence of an infidelity. The marriage may not have caused the infidelity, but disclosure of infidelity will certainly damage the marriage.

Two partners in the same relations.h.i.+p may respond quite differently to the question "Does infidelity mean we have a bad marriage?" The involved partner, as happens frequently, may negatively rewrite the marital history in order to justify the affair. The betrayed partner may focus on the virtues of the marriage in order to eliminate self-blame and explain why he or she didn't see the catastrophe coming.

Regardless of what marital problems may or may not have preceded the affair, both partners need to use the aftermath, which can be from three months to two years, to strengthen the relations.h.i.+p. How long this takes depends on a lot of factors, including how distressed the marriage was before the affair. This time of rebuilding is designed to examine and strengthen. Needless to say, exploring problems in your marriage is not intended as a way to excuse the betrayal. A roof needs to be repaired regardless of whether it collapsed because of a slowly decaying frame or was in great shape before it was struck by lightning.

An essential part of the search for meaning is to discover what factors in the marriage could have set the stage for an affair. Even if your marriage has not been devastated by infidelity, the "Relations.h.i.+p Vulnerability Map" will point to cracks in the foundation that could cause a collapse under certain circ.u.mstances. If your marriage has been troubled-or just a little bit off track-going through this investigative process can help you build a stronger relations.h.i.+p.

Quiz: Relations.h.i.+p Vulnerability Map There's no way to predict with certainty whether a specific couple is "affair-proof." Responding to the statements below will help identify relations.h.i.+p vulnerabilities that make marriages susceptible.

Directions: Circle the appropriate number to the left of each statement: Scoring Key:Add up your total number of points to interpret your relations.h.i.+p vulnerability score relations.h.i.+p vulnerability score.Your marriage is in:16-20 = A safe harbor21-29 = Choppy waters30-39 = Rough seas40-48 = Watch out! You're headed for the rocks.

Take another look at those statements that you rated 2 or 3. You and your partner can work on these issues to build a better marriage. Sharing your responses will give you another way to discuss your marital lifeline and the relations.h.i.+p patterns discussed in this chapter.

It's important to realize that your relations.h.i.+p vulnerability score is not a predictor of infidelity. It is an a.s.sessment of your marital adjustment. Remember that affairs can and do happen in good relations.h.i.+ps. Even a score that indicates high vulnerability does not mean that infidelity is inevitable. Just as there are happily married people who are unfaithful, there are also many dissatisfied individuals who remain faithful because of individual or cultural factors. The Relations.h.i.+p Vulnerability Map is one component that should be considered along with the vulnerability maps in the next two chapters.

The State of the Union There's a lot to be learned by comparing the differences between monogamous marriages and those in which infidelity has occurred. The couples in my clinical practice fill out relations.h.i.+p questionnaires at the onset of marital therapy. The statistics presented in this section on "the state of the union" are the results of a.n.a.lyses from these clinical couples, unless otherwise indicated. I was interested in examining what relations.h.i.+p factors distinguish between faithful and unfaithful spouses of the same s.e.x, and how unfaithful husbands differ from unfaithful wives. The case examples and my research findings may validate what you've observed in your own relations.h.i.+p, or they may not seem applicable. Nevertheless, knowledge is power. Understanding what (if anything) typifies the dissatisfactions of unfaithful partners can provide an informed perspective on your own marriage.

A common vulnerability leading to infidelity is the disillusionment that develops when expectations about marriage are not met. Individuals with high expectations can be easily dissatisfied because they expect more than any one relations.h.i.+p can reasonably provide. Unrealistically high expectations can lead to affairs, just as undeniably bad marriages can. For today's woman, a "good husband" has to be much more than a good provider; for today's man, a "good wife" has to be more than a good mother. Both husbands and wives are looking to their spouses for love, companions.h.i.+p, intellectual stimulation, emotional support, and great s.e.x in the high-stress environment of dual careers and Little League carpools. An attractive person who appears to offer any of the components missing from this picture of perfection can be very tempting.

Because women appear to have higher relations.h.i.+p expectations than men, both faithful and unfaithful wives are much more dissatisfied with numerous aspects of marriage than are their husbands.3 I see wives in marital therapy each week who begin with a proposed agenda for change and a list of specific complaints. They have thought long and hard about what is missing in their marriages. When I ask husbands what they would like to change, they frequently answer, "I just want her to be happy." Husbands report "We had a great week" because they had no conflict. Their wives will report about the same week "We had a terrible week" because they didn't have much verbal intimacy or emotional closeness. I see wives in marital therapy each week who begin with a proposed agenda for change and a list of specific complaints. They have thought long and hard about what is missing in their marriages. When I ask husbands what they would like to change, they frequently answer, "I just want her to be happy." Husbands report "We had a great week" because they had no conflict. Their wives will report about the same week "We had a terrible week" because they didn't have much verbal intimacy or emotional closeness.

Emotional affairs can be the consequence of emotional deprivation in the marriage, or they can be the source of diminis.h.i.+ng emotional closeness. Unfaithful wives frequently are aware of being unhappy long before they get involved with another man. This is probably the underlying reason that wives and female therapists tend to blame infidelity on problems in the marriage more than do husbands and male therapists.

Unfaithful husbands, on the other hand, often regard their marriage as happy until they begin to make unfavorable comparisons between their wife and their affair partner. Randy became disappointed by the lack of intellectual interests he shared with Rianna only after he experienced Sophie as a kindred spirit. In the final a.n.a.lysis, he decided this was not a good enough reason to abandon his family and a devoted wife who had never been anything but loving toward him.

My airport study indicated that 56 percent of the men and 34 percent of the women who had extramarital intercourse said that their marriage was happy.4

For men and women in empty marriages, affairs may provide what's missing; in stormy marriages, affairs may provide consolation and comfort. Unfaithful husbands and wives were more dissatisfied with marital companions.h.i.+p and being in love with their spouses than those who were faithful.5 People in affairs with deep emotional attachment and s.e.xual intercourse (combined-type affairs) are not only more likely to be unhappy with their marriages but are also more likely to end up divorced. Because more women engage in combined-type affairs than men, involved women are more dissatisfied with their marriages than are involved men. People in affairs with deep emotional attachment and s.e.xual intercourse (combined-type affairs) are not only more likely to be unhappy with their marriages but are also more likely to end up divorced. Because more women engage in combined-type affairs than men, involved women are more dissatisfied with their marriages than are involved men.

Involved wives in marital therapy were also significantly more dissatisfied than the unhappy wives who had remained faithful. In contrast, involved husbands who engaged in primarily s.e.xual affairs weren't any unhappier than noninvolved husbands. But husbands who described their affair as more emotional than s.e.xual had much lower marital satisfaction than noninvolved husbands.

In my clinical sample, among those who had engaged in extramarital s.e.xual intercourse or other physical intimacies, 59 percent of men and 79 percent of women rated their marriage as unhappy.

John Cuber and Peggy Haroff conducted intensive interviews with almost 500 affluent Americans who were married for more than ten years and concluded that affairs may not only compensate for bad marriages, but also occur in marriages that were judged to be good. Reasons for infidelity were linked to the type of marriage: an outlet for hostility in "conflict-habituated" marriages, an outlet for boredom in a "pa.s.sive-congenial" marriage, or the recapture of lost romance in a "devitalized" marriage. Infidelity was rare in "total" marriages, where partners were bound together by psychological, intellectual, and recreational compatibility.6 s.e.xual Compatibility Exploring the s.e.xual side of marriage is another crucial element for understanding infidelity. Talking openly, without blame or evasion, may expose s.e.xual vulnerabilities that could have increased the allure of the affair, except when s.e.xual involvement was an outgrowth of an emotional affair. Affairs that develop from friends.h.i.+ps are usually influenced by emotional intimacy and s.e.xual chemistry rather than by dissatisfaction with marital s.e.x. Nevertheless, s.e.xual frustrations or disappointments in the marriage are illuminated by comparisons with the exciting s.e.x in the affair.

In general, husbands are disappointed with s.e.xual frequency, whereas wives express greater concern about s.e.x being linked to love and affection. When Ken and Kris discussed their s.e.xual history, they realized that they had different perceptions of what const.i.tuted "good s.e.x." He evaluated s.e.x in terms of quant.i.ty, whereas she used a different barometer. Ken thought the s.e.x was really good at the beginning of their marriage, and Kris said s.e.x was really bad then. It was good for him because there was a lot of it; it was bad for her because she felt too pressured. Although she was exhausted by grad school, she felt she had to "let him" have s.e.x, because he acted so disappointed if she turned him down. After awhile, she became angry with herself for always giving in just so that he wouldn't be upset.

By the time Ken had his affair, Kris was rejecting him almost every time he asked. Both of them were responsible for this sorry state of affairs. Ken could have been more sensitive to the signals that she was yielding reluctantly to s.e.x on demand; Kris could have said no selectively, so that her yes indicated desire instead of duty. They developed greater empathy for each other after he discussed how it feels to experience s.e.xual rejection, and she shared how it feels to experience s.e.xual pressure.

Russ was understandably upset because Rita wasn't interested in having s.e.x with him but then had s.e.x with another man. Apparently, Rita enjoyed s.e.x more with her affair partner than with her husband. Rita typifies many unfaithful wives.

Unfaithful wives are more dissatisfied with s.e.xual enjoyment in their marriages than are faithful wives and unfaithful husbands. Surprisingly, unfaithful husbands enjoy marital s.e.x as much as faithful husbands. Husbands and wives generally agree that husbands enjoy s.e.x more than wives and want s.e.x more often. However, both unfaithful husbands and unfaithful wives enjoy s.e.x and desire s.e.x on an equal basis with their affair partners.

One of the most frequent requests by husbands is for their wives to initiate s.e.x. However, the partner who is perpetually pressed for s.e.x before he or she senses any personal desire will never have the opportunity to feel enough desire to initiate lovemaking: "If you keep putting food in front of me whether I'm hungry or not, I will never have a chance to develop my own appet.i.te."

Who enjoys s.e.x more Equity in marriages and affairs of unfaithful spouses in clinical couples Men often turn to s.e.x to relax, whereas women usually have to be relaxed already to enjoy s.e.x. One of the best ways a husband can help his wife relax enough to desire s.e.x is to fold the laundry and help her put the kids to bed. A free mind will do more for her than twenty minutes of foreplay. One of the allures of an affair is that time for s.e.x is scheduled, so the needs of both partic.i.p.ants are considered.

It's unfair to compare the s.e.xual warmth of a long-term marriage with the sizzling chemistry of a new, forbidden relations.h.i.+p. Although marriage does not have the same kind of "instant hot" as an affair, a good marriage combines s.e.xual sensitivity and special meaning in lovemaking that can be like playing a familiar but subtly nuanced concerto on a cherished musical instrument.

Men are more interested than women in the pursuit of exciting s.e.x with no strings attached. That's why some men who are "getting enough" and enjoying s.e.x at home still engage in extramarital s.e.x. For women, the physiological arousal of extramarital s.e.xual intercourse creates a strong emotional bonding with her lover.7

Unfaithful husbands and wives were more dissatisfied than faithful spouses with how exciting the s.e.x was in their marriages.

s.e.xual enjoyment in the marriage can increase, decrease, or remain the same when one partner is s.e.xually unfaithful, depending on the circ.u.mstances. There frequently is no impact on marital s.e.x as long as a husband's s.e.xual affairs remain secret. Wives, however, are more p.r.o.ne to withdraw from s.e.x with their husbands after engaging in extramarital s.e.x. After an affair is discovered, marital s.e.x may either improve or deteriorate in the immediate aftermath. Some couples experience renewed pa.s.sion and desire; other couples are haunted by the breach of s.e.xual intimacy, avoid s.e.xual contact, and recover very slowly-if at all.

The impact of known affairs on s.e.xual satisfaction in the marriage according to the unfaithful spouse: 19 percent observed increased s.e.xual satisfaction, 36 percent observed decreased s.e.xual satisfaction, and 45 percent observed no effect on s.e.xual satisfaction.

The affair can be a catalyst for constructive discussions about s.e.xuality. Sharing s.e.xual preferences openly increases intimacy and can actually be s.e.xually exciting: the turn-on for her is talking together in the den; the turn-on for him is an overt gesture such as touching his genitals. Good s.e.x provides an incentive to overlook little annoyances or to rebound more quickly from arguments. A couple's s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p creates a bond that can carry them through good and bad times.

Inequity Inequitable relations.h.i.+ps may result from one partner giving more than he or she receives or one partner being in a position of greater power than the other. Lack of balance in the marriage can lead either spouse to seek a more balanced relations.h.i.+p with another person.

Who Does More?

A common belief is that a person having an affair may not be "getting enough" at home. But the reality is that he or she may not be giving enough. Contrary to popular wisdom, people are not as satisfied in relations.h.i.+ps where they are "overbenefited" as in relations.h.i.+ps where there is more equity. In the most satisfying relations.h.i.+ps, giving and receiving are balanced.

The involved spouse may be either an exhausted giver or an unappreciative recipient. Unfaithful spouses perceived more equity in their affairs than in their marriages.8 Understanding was considered to be equal in 47 percent of marriages and in 70 percent of affairs. Understanding was considered to be equal in 47 percent of marriages and in 70 percent of affairs.

Unfaithful husbands perceive more reciprocity with their affair partners than with their wives in understanding problems and feelings. However, there were as many unfaithful husbands who were overbenefited in their marriage as were "underbenefited": 25 percent rated their wives as more understanding, and 28 percent rated themselves as more understanding.

Unfaithful wives reported that they were more understanding than their husband, but they perceived understanding as a shared experience with their affair partners. The majority of these women were underbenefited in their marriage: 66 percent rated themselves as more understanding than their husbands, and 29 percent considered understanding to be equal in their marriage. In their affairs, only 9 percent said they were more understanding, and 87 percent said they were equal in understanding.

Here's how it works: It's easy for the person who is giving less to become involved with another person. Partners who give much less than they receive already have one foot out the door, so it's not difficult for them to break the loosely held connection to their marriages. The more you invest, the more committed you are and the more attached you feel. The partner who has invested time and energy in the relations.h.i.+p is like someone who has just put new tires and new brakes on their car. When the transmission blows up, they think, "I've got too much invested to junk it now." There is a limit, however: if the investment is one-sided for too long, the underbenefited partner eventually gets burned up and burned out and seeks compensation somewhere else.

Who understands problems and feelings more Equity in marriages and affairs of unfaithful spouses in clinical couples Luther depended on Lois for everything. While he was on call at the hospital for days on end, she managed the household, cared for the children, and was supportive and loving when he finally arrived home. He explained how his infidelity occurred: "My wife made it too easy for me. She was wonderful and giving. I didn't have to work at the marriage." This doesn't sound fair, but it's important to hear what he is saying.

When Lois discovered that Luther had been unfaithful for years, she probably felt that she was at home cleaning the barn while her less invested husband was out riding the pony.9 When Lois decided she was through being a selfless, nondemanding wife, she wrote the following letter to Luther: When Lois decided she was through being a selfless, nondemanding wife, she wrote the following letter to Luther: Dear Luther,I looked upon our love as a nice comfortable burning ember after the blaze dies down, but you have stamped on it with both feet. If you want to keep my fire from being totally extinguished, you better start fanning the embers. You may be thinking I can't be serious, but I have never felt so strongly about anything in my life. I am tired of being the only one who is giving, so you better start giving too. Pretend I'm one of your girlfriends, not your wife who will always be there, because she won't be.If you want to stay in the race with me you better start running, because I am tired of carrying the full load. This is a brand new marathon, and I want you to show me it's worth my time to stay in it. I refuse to run myself ragged anymore without active partic.i.p.ation from you. I really want to go the whole 26K with you. I'll be at the finish line waiting for you. It's in your hands and you (not me) are going to have to go for the gold medal. If not, I'll have to start a new race without you on my team.I love you,Lois Power Struggles Infidelity can reflect an attempt by either spouse to correct an imbalance in power. Within the marriage, greater power is achieved through finances, competence, personality, or relative attractiveness. More powerful partners can feel ent.i.tled to indulge in the available alternatives without seriously considering the feelings of their partner. Conversely, less powerful partners can feel resentful and attempt to get even by having an affair. Individuals who feel one-down in their marriage may restore balance by satisfying their desires and preferences in an outside relations.h.i.+p.

Unfortunately, the power balance often s.h.i.+fts when couples go from a peer relations.h.i.+p to one with more traditional gender roles. Zachary and Zoe worked together as high-level executives in the same corporation. After they got married, each of them put a portion of their income into a common pool. They made all their financial decisions together. They decided to foster Zachary's career so Zoe could be a stay-at-home mom. After the birth of their third child, their heated arguments about spending money were really power conflicts. Zachary said, "You know that things are a little tight right now. What makes you think that you can build a new deck with my money?" Zoe hit the roof and yelled, "If we're so poor, then how did you go out and buy a new car without even consulting me?" Zoe felt frustrated and powerless because she had no earning power.

It was Zachary, however, who had an affair. His rationale was that he was tired of her constant (as he perceived it) complaining and lack of appreciation for what a good provider he was. It could just as easily have been Zoe who sought a partner who would treat her with respect.

Triangles: Two against One = Four Extramarital triangles are not the only triangles that can cause marital distress. Other troublesome triangles also create an imbalance in the marriage when partners feel excluded by a bond between their spouse and some other person or activity. In the same way that workaholics are married to their careers instead of to their lonely spouses, partners can form alienating triangles with other family members, hobbies, serious avocations or artistic pursuits, athletic activities, volunteer work, and the obvious one: affair partners. Even a therapist working with an individual member of a couple can create a triangle harmful to the marriage by encouraging a stronger bond and greater intimacy within the therapy relations.h.i.+p than in the marriage.

Squaring the triangle: The danger of triangles is that the person who feels left out in the cold is at risk for seeking attention and support outside the marriage. An affair can sometimes be seen as a misguided attempt to square a troublesome triangle. That is when two against one often adds up to four.

Extended family: One of the first tasks in creating a marital bond is to create an attachment to each other that is stronger than attachments to siblings, parents, and grandparents. Obviously, the issue here is whether the young couple is able to pull away from family and be primarily committed to each other. The degree of dedication and unity the couple exhibits from the beginning obviously has implications for their loyalty to each other later.

A united front is epitomized in the words of the popular song "You and Me against the World." Husbands and wives should handle any difficulties caused by their own families in order to protect the fragile bond between their spouses and the in-laws. Furthermore, running "home" after a routine argument creates an unhealthy triangle in which one's spouse is portrayed as the villain, the returning adult child is the victim, and the parents are the rescuers.

Children: When parents triangle with the children, the children and the marriage are all losers. Clever children take advantage of any splits and play parents against each other by manipulating one parent for comfort after being disciplined by the other. An even worse scenario occurs when either parent feels humiliated and criticized in front of the children. In that degrading situation, the admiration and respect of an attractive colleague can look like an oasis in an arid desert.

Recreational activities: "Golf widow" is an apt description for wives whose husbands leave them to their own devices while they spend leisure time and weekends away from home. When the wives look for ways to fill up their empty time, their loneliness makes them susceptible to someone who values their companions.h.i.+p.

From Niagara to v.i.a.g.r.a Every marriage goes through ups and downs. There are natural peaks and valleys as we go from the high of the honeymoon through the challenges of child-rearing years to the empty nest. The particular Stressors and joys that accompany each stage in the family life cycle cause s.h.i.+fts in satisfaction. It's encouraging to learn that the majority of unhappy couples who weather marital storms eventually arrive at a safe harbor.

In a national sample a.n.a.lyzed by sociologist Linda Waite of people who stayed married, those in the worst marriages had the most dramatic turnarounds: 77 percent of those who first rated their marriage as "very unhappy" said that they were "very happy" or "quite happy" five years later.10

It's important to pay particular attention to new stressors or significant changes in the family environment during the two-year period before the affair began. Marital problems might first have surfaced right before the advent of the affair or could have been evident all along. It's also a possibility that there weren't any significant problems prior to the affair.

The Family Life Cycle Of particular importance is when in the family life cycle the affair occurs. Couples in long-term marriages are usually more committed to staying together after an affair than those in younger marriages-particularly those without children. Affairs early in marriage are more likely to lead to divorce; they may indicate a fear of commitment or a belief that the marriage was a mistake. Every transition in the family life cycle necessitates a restructuring of the marital relations.h.i.+p and establishment of new priorities. Difficulties during each stage can create a vulnerability for infidelity, as follows: - Young marriage: fear of commitment or lack of compatibility; faulty individuation from family of origin.

- Pregnancy: husband's fear of increased responsibility and feelings of entrapment.

- Transition to parenthood: husband's need for attention and his envy toward mother-infant bond.