Not Just Friends Part 10

- When you surprised me with our club members.h.i.+p, was that to throw me off the track because you wanted to get in shape for her?

- When you couldn't come with me to visit my sick aunt, was that because you thought you could take advantage of my time away to be with her?

- When you bought me that expensive watch for my birthday, was it out of love or guilt?

Sometimes, the betrayed partner's inability to let go of obsessive thoughts points to missing pieces. Cliff remained uneasy about his wife's recounting of her infidelity, even after Cheryl had told him a credible story about a brief fling with an acquaintance that was now over and done with. She answered every question put to her, was empathic about his pain, and dedicated herself to being a better wife. And still ... Cliff realized he wouldn't let go because there was something about her story that didn't sound right. He couldn't accept her version of events and had to find out the truth.

After a night of tossing and turning, Cliff woke Cheryl up and told her he wasn't satisfied that she was telling him everything. He told her they were not going back to sleep until he got the full story. Finally, Cheryl confessed that she hadn't had s.e.x "a couple of times," as she at first claimed, but had had a two-year affair. Cliff's relief that he finally had the truth was greater than his distress at the seriousness of his wife's involvement.

Clear Up Misperceptions Unlike Cliff, whose intuition about greater involvement was confirmed, Melissa learned that her husband's infidelity was not nearly as deep as she had feared.

Melissa inadvertently discovered that Morty had a one-night stand while he was away on a business trip. When she called his hotel room at 7:00 A.M. A.M., a woman answered and said that Morty was in the shower. Upon Morty's return home, Melissa was very upset and said she couldn't rest until she had "all the details." Fortunately, Morty was eager to repair the damage and was willing to answer her questions honestly.

In the abbreviated transcript that follows, their therapist provided a safe place for Melissa to ask her questions without blame or accusations on her part and without defensiveness or stonewalling on his: Melissa: So, you met her in the hotel bar ... What did she do to arouse your interest and turn you on?Morty: She flattered me. She said appealing things about my looks. She wasn't looking for a long-term thing. She made it clear she was s.e.xually attracted to me and was feeling h.o.r.n.y.Melissa: How did you feel?Morty: Excited. Intrigued, not aroused.Melissa: Did she have a great body?Morty: Not bad.Melissa: Did she have big b.r.e.a.s.t.s?Morty: Average.Melissa: Bigger than mine?Morty: A little bit bigger, but kind of saggy.Melissa: What happened when you got into your room?Morty: When I came out of the bathroom after five minutes, she was in bed. I thought, "Holy mackerel, this is really going to happen."... She tried to kiss me on the mouth, but I gave her my cheek. I was physically excited, but mentally mad at myself.... It went very fast. It was over very quickly.Melissa: Did you talk to her at ill?Morty: From the bathroom ... just general bulls.h.i.+t. Once I walked out, nothing.Melissa: No other talking, during or after?Morty: After we started, I wanted it over as quickly as possible. After ten minutes it was awful. I couldn't wait to get out of the room. I regretted it very badly.... I rolled over. I had to get some sleep. I got up at 5:30, showered and dressed in the bathroom. At 6:30 I left and told her to have a good trip home.Melissa: Sounds like she got to you through flattery.Morty: Yes, but I ended up losing my own self-respect. I responded to her wanting me. My guilt is so great. I'll never do it again. I feel like a real piece of dirt. It's a huge betrayal of trust.

As painful as these details were, they satisfied Melissa's need to know what had happened that night. She could feel her husband's basic loyalty to the marriage, and she could hear how much he regretted his behavior. It turned out that the truth wasn't so awful because he wasn't emotionally attached and the s.e.x wasn't as good as she had imagined.

Expose the Modus Operandi Willingness to expose the modus operandi (way of operating) of the affair goes a long way toward reestablis.h.i.+ng the credibility of involved partners. They need to reveal what the cover-ups were and how they managed to find the time and place for a liaison. Exposing the secret maneuverings limits the possibility that the affair will continue and gives the betrayed spouse the inside scoop.

Cliff insisted on knowing how Cheryl had carried out her deception. She reluctantly told him how her best friend, Sandy, had provided her house for Cheryl's lunchtime trysts. Sandy had also covered up for Cheryl when Cliff called to find out where Cheryl was. Cliff was greatly relieved by this information. He regarded it as evidence that Cheryl's affair was over because she had revealed the time, place, and accomplice. Cheryl was upset when Cliff insisted that she end her friends.h.i.+p with Sandy, but she understood how betrayed he felt by Sandy's complicity in the affair. The tension between them was greatly diminished when Cheryl severed her connection to Sandy in order to rebuild trust with Cliff.

Telling Releases the Secret Ties That Bind Forbidden fruit is exotic and exciting. As long as the affair is kept in a gla.s.s bubble and wors.h.i.+pped as a sacred happening, the romantic attachment to the affair partner is more apt to persist. Talking about the affair in some detail takes it out of that bubble and exposes it to the cool light of realistic scrutiny. It loses its magical power.

In The Bridges of Madison County Francesca spends four days with the handsome stranger, Robert Kincaid, and the rest of her life savoring the memory.5 She doesn't leave with the wandering photographer, not only because of her sense of responsibility to her husband and children, but because she's aware that the untouched fantasy is better than any real-life relations.h.i.+p could ever be. She tells her secret lover, "I want to keep it forever. If we leave we lose it. I want to hold onto it the rest of my life." She doesn't leave with the wandering photographer, not only because of her sense of responsibility to her husband and children, but because she's aware that the untouched fantasy is better than any real-life relations.h.i.+p could ever be. She tells her secret lover, "I want to keep it forever. If we leave we lose it. I want to hold onto it the rest of my life."

From then on, each year on the same day, she secretly takes out a manila envelope with cherished photographs and clippings. Her husband, Richard, is aware that there is something inside her he can't reach. Just before Richard dies he tells her, "Francesca, I know you had your own dreams, too. I'm sorry I couldn't give them to you." She regards his dying words as the most touching moment of their whole life together. His honesty and clear vision pierces the barrier that her fantasy life had built.

Keeping a secret is an act of thought suppression. Some fascinating research by Daniel Wegner and his colleagues on thought suppression ill.u.s.trates the power and allure of past relations.h.i.+ps that remain secret.6 People who hide old romances remain obsessed with them. Keeping the relations.h.i.+p secret intensifies arousal and makes the partner appear more attractive and exciting than he or she would otherwise have been. Secret relations.h.i.+ps are overvalued because thought suppression creates an irrational perspective. People who hide old romances remain obsessed with them. Keeping the relations.h.i.+p secret intensifies arousal and makes the partner appear more attractive and exciting than he or she would otherwise have been. Secret relations.h.i.+ps are overvalued because thought suppression creates an irrational perspective.

Debbie Layton-Tholl found that unfaithful partners experience greater arousal and preoccupation with their lovers after ending an affair if they never disclose the affair to their spouses. Once an affair is disclosed, the freedom to discuss the relations.h.i.+p diminishes the obsessive thoughts and feelings of excitement connected with the affair partner.7

Among the 1,200 unfaithful spouses in Layton-Tholl's on-line survey, those who had multiple affairs were less likely to report increased arousal, obsessive preoccupation with the lover, or difficulty holding the secret than people having only one affair.8

Telling Increases Marital Intimacy Keeping secrets erects barriers. Whenever you're trying not to spill the beans, you are inhibiting your own natural impulses with internal warnings: Be careful! Don't tell! Don't show! Instead of being free and authentic, you become artful, subtly crafting your verbal responses to influence your partner's impressions and reactions. It's hard to be truly close to someone when you're hiding something of significance from him or her.

Stan had a child with his lover. He and his wife, Stella, offered financial support far beyond the legal requirements because they both felt it was the right thing to do. Even so. Stan and Stella had discussed only the superficial facts of his affair. When Stella worked up the courage to ask questions after many months had elapsed, the answers filled her with great despair. She said, "Of course, I knew you had an affair. After all, you got her pregnant. But I never really pictured you actually having s.e.x with her. It wasn't a reality for me until now." Although she was very upset, what happened next was that Stan and Stella made love for the first time in over a year. Their silence about the affair had created a wall that their open discussion finally tore down.

If the involved spouse protects the ident.i.ty of the lover or the nature of the relations.h.i.+p, then the betrayed spouse is the outsider in an extramarital triangle. Sharing the details is in act of positive demolition. The involved spouse dismantles the structure that kept the injured spouse outside in the cold and replaces deceit with hope.

After Drew permanently ended his lengthy Internet affair, he was very happy and relieved about his decision. However, his firm refusal to disclose the real name or screen name of his e-lover confirmed to Debbie that he was protecting his affair partner instead of being totally loyal to his wife. Debbie couldn't stop obsessing about it, so she threatened to leave if he didn't tell her the ident.i.ty of the mystery woman who had virtually torn them apart. Drew reluctantly revealed it under great duress because he didn't want to lose his wife. Debbie then felt free to invest in the marriage without further reservations because the boundaries and loyalties were now clear.

How to Tell How couples talk together about the infidelity is even more important than what they talk about. A constructive process creates hope and healing, whereas a destructive one creates hopelessness and despair. You will need to draw on all of the compa.s.sionate communication skills you learned in Chapter 7. Your goal is to s.h.i.+ft from an adversarial process to an empathic process for discussing the story of the affair.

Pitfalls to Avoid Avoid getting locked into escalating power struggles. In a pressurized atmosphere, the more the betrayed partner pushes for information, the more the involved partner pulls away. The more the involved partner retreats into a corner, the more the betrayed partner applies coercive tactics to open up. Both play a significant part in creating a constructive interaction for sharing thoughts, feelings, and memories.

For Betrayed Partners If you are a betrayed partner who wants to get your spouse to open up and tell you what you want to know, there are specific things you can do to avoid gridlock.

- Control destructive outbursts: If you go ballistic every time your partner shares, you are teaching him or her that it's better not to share. If you want openness and honesty, you must show that telling the truth will make things better-not worse, as feared. For example, you can say something like: "I'm glad you told me. Hearing it made me cry, but I want you to know that the truth is helping me to heal." Painful experiences can create intimacy, but explosive reactions build their own walls. Who wants to get close to a volcano?

One unfaithful wife wrote to me: "When I answer my husband's questions truthfully, sometimes he lashes out: 'You wh.o.r.e! You're lower than a sleazy slime!' He tells me I'm not allowed to get angry when he says those things because then he just gets more upset.... I'm willing to go through this verbal barrage if it's valuable for my husband. He says everything he has read says these reactions are normal and healthy for betrayed spouses; that he has to get them out in order to heal. When do things go 'too far?'"

I told her that her husband is not reacting in a healthy way. He is being emotionally abusive. He will never learn the true story of the entire affair-why it happened-unless their interaction evolves beyond bitter name-calling. Although it is normal for the hurt partner to be angry, this husband will have to develop some empathy and self-control. If he doesn't, his wife will have little incentive to do the hard work of healing the relations.h.i.+p.

- Silence is golden: You will learn more if you close your mouth and open your ears. Don't interrupt or contradict. When your partner starts to open up, pretend you a re sitting behind a one-way mirror where you can see and hear but cannot be seen or heard. When your partner's story triggers a question or a retort, write down your comments for later. If you step in too quickly and pull your partner off track, you'll never know what else you would have heard.

- Curtail your interpretations: Diagnosing your partner's problems is not relations.h.i.+p-enhancing, even if you happen to be a licensed psychotherapist. For example: "The reason you got involved was that you never got enough love from your father." This feels intrusive to the partner who is being a.n.a.lyzed. You want to convey: "I'm trying to understand what you were feeling." Unsolicited interpretations might make you feel good, but I'll bet that your partner won't feel better as a result.

For Involved Partners Involved partners tend to shut down or become defensive when injured partners want to discuss the infidelity. If you are the involved partner, you may not want to talk about the infidelity or even think about it. I realize that it can be humiliating to discuss actions that you now regard as wrong. It may be painful to expose events that could create hurt or rage, and it may be difficult to recall memories of a secret world that was shared with someone other than your spouse. But if you respond in any of the following ways, you are demonstrating limited commitment to rebuilding your marriage.

- Avoidance: You may resist getting into the deep waters of the affair to avoid dealing with painful subjects. Perhaps your usual pattern is to avoid anything that creates conflict. If that's the case, you can use this crisis to become more a.s.sertive by telling the whole story and facing up to your partner's negative reactions.

- Denial: Denying the basic facts concerning the affair will perpetuate mistrust. You are heading for divorce court if you acknowledge only details that are the indisputable bits of evidence dug up by your betrayed partner.

- Stonewalling: Retreating and refusing to talk may be your usual way of avoiding discomfort or conflict. If, however, this is not your normal pattern and you are withdrawing now because you feel attacked every time you attempt to share, let your partner know. Tell your partner that the tongue las.h.i.+ngs are teaching you to hold your tongue.

- Discounting: Refusing to accept the seriousness of the problem is a way to deny responsibility. Using the words "yes, but" may indicate the absence of genuine remorse. Admitting your wrongful acts doesn't make you a bad person; admitting the hurts you have inflicted makes you a better partner.

You can overcome your resistance and hang in there until you have shared the full story of your affair. It's natural to be frustrated, but the reality is that your partner cannot relax until you have overturned every stone. Persistent unwillingness to discuss or deal with problems that stem from the infidelity will inflame wounds, intensify distrust, and increase the probability of divorce.

Although addressing the same questions over and over again is irritating, each time gives you an opportunity to shed more light on the topic. It's not helpful to say "It's been three months; when are you going to get over it?" It is helpful to show empathy by saying something like "If you had done this to me, I'd be even more of a basket case than you are."

The Three Stages of Disclosure The way couples interact when they talk about the affair changes over time. At first, they confront each other in an adversarial truth-seeking inquisition. Then they engage in a more benign process of neutral information seeking. Finally, they cooperate together in a healing exploration characterized by an empathic search for deeper understanding. Obviously, this last stage is the ultimate goal. Some couples evolve along this pattern naturally; others have to work harder at it.

Not everyone proceeds through all three stages of disclosure. Some couples remain mired in a destructive truth-seeking process, and others never get beyond a neutral information-seeking process. Even couples who reach the stage of empathic sharing will occasionally backslide into an earlier stage, especially when they can't agree on what const.i.tutes the truth.

Stage 1: Truth Seeking During truth seeking, the dialogue sounds like an NYPD interrogation of a criminal who is withholding incriminating evidence. The betrayed partner launches the inquisition by setting truth traps, and the unfaithful partner covers up until cornered with undeniable proof of wrongdoing. This adversarial process is never a recommended way to get at the truth.

When Kris first confronted Ken about his affair, she turned on the heat while he tried to wiggle his way out of answering her questions. As you read the following dialogue, you can see Kris firing these questions at her husband without giving him a chance to catch his breath: Kris: Did you go to Boston alone in January?Ken: Of course I did. Why are you so insecure?Kris: Did you eat dinner out with anyone?Ken: Look, I was on a business trip. I didn't know anybody there except the people I do business with, and I ate dinner alone.Kris: Then why did your check from the hotel restaurant indicate that two people were at the table?Ken: It's probably a clerical mistake. You know how hard it is to get good help these days.Kris: You ordered gin and tonic and a pink zinfandel. You don't drink pink zinfandel. That's a woman's drink.Ken: How did you get the sales check? I really resent you snooping around when I haven't done anything wrong.Kris: You've been acting very suspicious lately, and I needed to find out for myself. I hired a detective in Boston, and the detective said that you got into a cab at the airport with a tall brunette.Ken: That's ridiculous. It wasn't me.Kris: Then it must be your twin. I have pictures to prove it.Ken: Oh yeah. Now I remember. There was this woman going into the city, and I offered to share my cab with her.

And so forth and so on. When both partners are hostile and feel alienated, it's impossible for any honesty or healing to come out of such a destructive process. The goal is to move forward into a collaborative process of sharing information and move away from the act of detecting lies. The story of the affair can't unfold in such an environment of mutual mistrust.

Stage 2: Information Seeking Before you can know the meaning of the affair, you have to gather some data. What counts most is how you do it. The best way is to engage in a neutral process of information seeking, as if you were a reporter covering a story. In this way you and your partner might sound like an interview on the Larry King Show: professional and cordial, but not especially close.

Betrayed partners can get out the exhaustive list of questions they've been collecting. As more of the truth is revealed, you need to be prepared for earlier lies to be unearthed. It is likely that your involved partner will say things that differ from what he or she said before. Before embarking on this exploration, you need to a.s.sure your partner that you will not use any new information as a weapon. If you do, you put the whole disclosure process at risk.

If you are the betrayed partner, don't use the new details to point out old lies. Instead of dwelling on how much you were deceived during the affair, show appreciation that your partner is being honest at last. Think how hard it must be for your partner to face you and admit all of the deceptive words and actions. You might feel better if you accept that the lies and cover-ups were a frantic attempt to keep you from discovering the truth and leaving the relations.h.i.+p.

If you're the involved partner, try your utmost to discuss matters that you'd prefer to keep in a locked box, either because you cherish the memories or because you feel ashamed. Don't muddle your brain by inventing new lies that you will have to keep track of. There is very little you can say that your partner hasn't imagined or already proven. If your partners initial reaction is despair, disgust, or anger, see whether the days that follow show less obsessiveness and more healing. If you're worried about how your answers affect your partner, ask him or her "How is this information going to help you to heal?" Then, answer truthfully.

Using the fishbowl technique I developed, Opal and Oscar were able to create a neutral process for information gathering after many months of resistance. The fishbowl allows betrayed partners to present all their questions in a nonthreatening way, and it allows unfaithful partners to choose the time and sequence for answering specific questions.

Opal's obsession with Oscar's infidelity was fueled by his repeated promises, denials, and continued deception over a four-year period. The only truthful information she got was through her own detective work. When his affair finally ended, he was reluctant to discuss any details in his desire to forget the past and start over. But Opal had seven pages of questions she wanted answered. Some of the questions were traps to test his honesty; some were complex questions of intent and meaning; and some were looking for specific facts and details.

Opal placed each question on a separate piece of paper inside a clear gla.s.s bowl. When Oscar was in the mood to answer a question he would go to the fishbowl on his own and pull out questions until he found one that he could answer without too much discomfort. Opal tried to accept his answers without a challenge and told him how helpful the information was to her. One weekend, they went to a hotel where they had all their food brought in by room service. They stayed until they had gone through every single question in the fishbowl. This was a giant step toward bonding and building a trusting relations.h.i.+p after years of dishonesty and betrayal.

After you clarify the factual details and form a joint account of the traumatic events, you're ready to discuss the story of the affair with an empathic process that creates a shared meaning.

Stage 3: Mutual Understanding In Stage 3 you focus on understanding what the affair means to both of you. The dialogue you engage in sounds like two people who love and care about each other working together to understand the beginning, middle, and ending of the affair. You're reaching consensus about what happened in the past and optimism about your future capacity to cope.

Conversations become introspective, respectful, sensitive, and free-flowing with information. They contrast sharply with earlier interactions that were glib, slippery, or hostile. You will be able to see through each other's eyes and sense each other's feelings. It hurts, but you want to understand. The betrayed partner might say, "I know it will take time to get over the loss of the friends.h.i.+p you had with [the affair partner]." The unfaithful partner might say, "I understand that it will take a long time before you will be able to trust me again because of the lies I told you."

Ironically, it's not uncommon for some couples to experience a honeymoon period as they share their deepest and most intense feelings with each other. They may lie in bed at night holding each other while talking about the affair. Couples who get to this level of intimacy have a rare opportunity to know each other in a deep way that unblemished couples may never have the opportunity to realize.

From Stage to Stage The following story ill.u.s.trates how one couple went through all three stages of disclosure after the wife's discovery of her husband's emotional infidelity. Their discussions gradually evolved from an adversarial process into an empathic process with shared meaning.

Revelation: At the company Christmas party, Georgia accidentally overheard George being teased about his daily coffee breaks with a young female employee. Georgia's rage was directed at the secrecy of the liaisons and the realization that she had been deceived for several years about his private little tete-a-tetes. She had a.s.sumed that she and George were completely open and shared everything. Although she believed George's protestations that he did not love the other woman and had not been s.e.xually involved with her, Georgia was prepared to end a thirty-two-year marriage that had been close and s.e.xually satisfying because she felt so deeply betrayed.

Truth seeking: At first, Georgia threw angry questions at George in rat-a-tat-tat punis.h.i.+ng barrages. George's initial response was to clam up, except to say over and over, "It was completely innocent; she's just a friend." He told Georgia to stop being hysterical over nothing.

Information seeking: As Georgia softened and began to ask for information without interrupting or being sarcastic, George began to answer her questions. Yes, there was some s.e.xual innuendo, but no touching. Yes, there was some shared personal information about his medical problems and difficulties with his supervisor at work, but he never talked about Georgia or their marriage. Yes, he was flattered by her attention, but he never considered having a relations.h.i.+p outside of work. And yes, he knew he was doing something wrong by keeping it a secret all these years.

Mutual understanding: Eventually, after several months, Georgia believed that her husband had told her all there was to tell about this relations.h.i.+p. Knowing the details, she began to put herself in his place. She could feel the pleasure he must have felt in having this break in the day to look forward to. She began to understand this "friends.h.i.+p" in the context of his worries about pressures at work and his deteriorating health. He understood how his lies of omission had shattered her trust. Although Georgia never forgot his betrayal, she let go of her anger because she understood how it had happened.

Believe it or not, over time, as pain diminishes, couples may be able to tease each other with private little jokes about the affair partner and something that happened during the unfair. By the following year, they were making jokes about George and his fondness for coffee.

What to Tell The betrayed spouse's need to know is the determining factor for how much detail and discussion is necessary. Some want to know everything; some seek only basic facts. Each couple must figure out what details to share by following their own unique path. You will learn through trial and error what is healing and what adds more scar tissue. Information that quells the obsessive need to know is healing, but information that seems to fuel obsessiveness is retraumatizing and should be avoided. For most people, pressing to hear about graphic s.e.xual details or to see love letters is a mistake because the vivid images can become intrusive and interfere with intimacy. The desire to know often recedes as the relations.h.i.+p becomes more comforting.

If you are the betrayed spouse, ask yourself whether you can heal without seeing or hearing things that would be upsetting. If you are unsure of the consequences of knowing, ask your partner to discuss one sensitive issue. Notice if the answer makes you feel worse about your spouse or yourself, or if the information helps satisfy your hunger to know it all. Pay attention to whether you feel better a day later or whether the details are haunting you. If they are haunting you but you also feel better, then there is a part of you that is healing. Let your partner know so he or she can see the part that's healing as well as the part that's hurting.

For some individuals, an obsessive need to know the details is characteristic of their innate coping strategies. These are the people who get on the Internet and know more about a disease than their doctors do. These are the people who do six months of research before buying a camera. There is no way in the world that such people can let go of their partner's infidelity until they have heard it all.

Reconciling Different Perspectives and Mistaken Beliefs Betrayed partners have trouble accepting stories that differ from what they believe to be true. Their reality can come from authenticated facts that they have ferreted out on their own or from erroneous perceptions. I've never heard a betrayed partner's version at the outset that wasn't based on projections, anger, and misperceptions. Infidelity researchers Kristi Gordon and Donald Baucom a.s.sert that initial inaccurate explanations by injured partners must be balanced by information that reflects what actually did happen.9 Because it's not unusual for unfaithful partners to confound the truth through deliberate distortions that minimize involvement, it can take months for betrayed partners to develop an accurate version. Because it's not unusual for unfaithful partners to confound the truth through deliberate distortions that minimize involvement, it can take months for betrayed partners to develop an accurate version.

Many of our beliefs about the behavior of others come from how we explain our own actions and feelings. As the betrayed partner, your attempts to hear and understand your partner's story is commonly sifted and filtered through your own beliefs and experiences. What you believe about the affair is distorted by projecting your own point of view onto your partner. These projections lead to the error of a.s.sumed similarity. When we engage in the error of a.s.sumed similarity, we a.s.sume that something has the same meaning for our partner that it has for us.

Part of the hurt and confusion of an affair is the sudden, wrenching realization that your partner does not think or feel exactly as you do. After all these years, you find that your a.s.sumption about how much alike you are is really an illusion. Ian said, "I don't understand how anyone who prays in church every Sunday could commit the sin of adultery." Ian believes that he would never violate the teachings of their church, so he can't understand how his wife, Ilene, could ever have been unfaithful.

Many errors of a.s.sumed similarity are derived from s.e.x differences. Men and women generally have different perspectives on s.e.x, love, and infidelity, yet they a.s.sume that their partners feel and think the same way they do. Women tend to view their husbands' affairs through the lens of love, whereas men tend to view their wives' affairs through the lens of s.e.x.

Many a betrayed wife has said, "I don't believe you didn't love her. You must have loved her if you had s.e.x with her." Like this wife, most women cannot understand how a "happily married man" would want s.e.xual intercourse with another woman, whereas s.e.xual variety appears to be a reasonable desire to men.10 One man who caught his wife meeting secretly with a coworker found it almost impossible to believe that she could have been emotionally involved without having s.e.x. When she told him that they had sat in the car talking for hours, her husband rejected her explanation and insisted that this man must have appealed to her because he was able to give her multiple o.r.g.a.s.ms. Nonetheless, her affair had been emotional only.

In my clinical sample, 83 percent of involved women and 61 percent of involved men characterized their extramarital relations.h.i.+p as more emotional than s.e.xual. In the airport sample, 71 percent of involved women and 44 percent of involved men characterized their extramarital relations.h.i.+p as more emotional than s.e.xual.

Early discussions about affairs will be more comfortable if men ask women first about their emotional involvement and women ask men first about their s.e.xual involvement. Women are reluctant to reveal s.e.xual intimacy and men are reluctant to reveal emotional attachment because each of them senses what type of involvement will be more distressing to their partner.

Questions to Answer Questions about specific details are frequently an entryway into a deeper story. For example, questions about what gifts or cards were exchanged are really probing for how invested the unfaithful partner was in the affair-emotionally and financially. One unfaithful wife and her affair partner made ca.s.sette tapes for each other with special love songs. Although it was extremely painful for the betrayed husband to listen to the romantic words of the songs, it helped him realize why it was so hard for his wife to let go of the affair. He was also shaken by what he had neglected. Ultimately, he was inspired to bring more romance back into their marriage.

The following ten questions will guide your exploration of the circ.u.mstances of the infidelity and the meaning behind it. Some of them are typical questions posed by betrayed partners, and some of them are questions I use in my clinical practice to bring a slightly different perspective on the underlying motivations. Discussing them will give you the raw material from which to co-construct your story.

1. What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved?

There are all kinds of reasons for not stepping over the line that would normally stop you from entering forbidden territory. Vulnerabilities and values will be revealed by the thoughts and actions that came up as you crossed thresholds into the extramarital relations.h.i.+p. Most likely, discussing these questions will uncover the magnetism of the relations.h.i.+p, the sense of curiosity, or the belief that nothing bad would come of it. One of the most revealing thoughts is whether the unfaithful partner considered the consequences of getting involved or only of getting caught.

For example, how did Ralph decide to go ahead with that secret lunch date he had with Lara? What was he antic.i.p.ating? It's important to understand how a platonic friends.h.i.+p can s.h.i.+ft into an affair. When people confide to opposite-s.e.x friends about problems in their marriage, they are revealing a weak spot and signaling their availability at the same time. Although women share deep feelings with lots of people, particularly other women, men are usually most comfortable sharing their feelings in a love relations.h.i.+p. As a result, when a relations.h.i.+p becomes emotionally intimate, men tend to s.e.xualize it.

Through discussions with his wife, Lisa, Les figured out how he let himself be drawn into an affair with Fiona, a new colleague at work. He recognized that it started off with his compa.s.sion for Fiona's situation. He was moved by her tale of a distressed marriage, a disabled child, and a terminally ill father who lived with her.

Les admitted that he was flattered by Fiona's idealizing him when she compared him to her insensitive husband. He pictured himself as her protector rescuing her from her troubled life. One freezing Sunday, when he got a call from Fiona asking him to drive over and give her dead battery a charge, he did share it with Lisa. Later, he and Lisa agreed that when he stopped talking about Fiona at home and started keeping his weekend phone calls secret, the friends.h.i.+p had s.h.i.+fted into an emotional affair. s.e.xual intimacy developed as Les became convinced that he was "in love" with Fiona, and he began to detach emotionally and s.e.xually from the marriage.

Fiona had grown up in a working-cla.s.s family without luxuries. She was thrilled when Les took her out to a simple lunch at a restaurant that had table service. In contrast, when Les and Lisa went to five-star restaurants, they took it for granted as part of their lifestyle. Les felt gratified that he could add a little joy to Fiona's troubled life.

Because Les and Lisa talked about how he felt sorry for Fiona, it became clear to both of them that he was vulnerable to rescuing maidens in distress. He vowed that in the future, he would erect distinct boundaries with unhappy, attractive women who touched his kind heart. When involved partners share their feelings on this level, they are letting their betrayed spouse inside their mind and reforging their bond. They not only are discussing what occurred, but together they are gaining insight into the underlying dynamics.

2. After the first time you had s.e.x, did you feel guilty?

Asking about guilt reveals the internalized values of the unfaithful partner. Some people never feel any guilt about getting involved. People who antic.i.p.ate guilty feelings before they act are more inclined to avoid dangerous crossings. Others feel guilty after they act, although guilt after the transgression doesn't necessarily keep them from repeating their "sin."

Some people feel so disgusted with themselves after their first extramarital s.e.x that they get together again with the affair partner as soon as possible: another dose of the aphrodisiac offers them a temporary escape from their self-loathing. Some get rid of their guilt and continue the affair by rationalizing that n.o.body is getting hurt because they are "not taking anything away" from their spouse or family. Others transform guilty feelings by taking responsibility and terminating their extramarital behaviors long before they are discovered.

3. How could it go on so long if you knew it was wrong?

Affairs are both messy and glamorous. The forbidden, unstable nature of secret affairs keeps pa.s.sion flowing years beyond what's common in a stable relations.h.i.+p. Unfaithful spouses often appear to be addicted to their lovers. They fail in their efforts to end the affair time and time again, pulled back by a magnetic force they can't seem to resist. Only with great determination are they able to break the spell.

Comprehending what started an affair is different from comprehending what kept it going. It may have started out of a shared interest or s.e.xual attraction but continued because of a deepening emotional attachment. Or it may have started as an emotional affair and continued because the s.e.x was so great. Or it may have started because the marriage was in a slump but continued because it a.s.sumed a life of its own long after the marriage improved.

It is as important to understand how the affair ended as it is to understand what sustained it. The ramifications of an affair that was ended by the unfaithful spouse before disclosure are very different from an affair that was ended either by the affair partner or by the ultimatums of the betrayed partner. If the affair ended abruptly, the attachment will be harder to break than if the affair died a natural death. It's easier to put a relations.h.i.+p behind you if you're the one who made the decision to leave.

4. Did you think about me at all?

If the unfaithful partner had been thinking about the betrayed partner, he or she wouldn't have gotten so involved in the first place. The act of infidelity is not about the person who was betrayed-it is about the person who did the betraying. Betrayed spouses often see themselves as a central character in a spouse's affair and believe that every step was taken with them in mind. "How could you do this to me?" they ask. The reality is that the involved spouse probably didn't consider his or her partner much at all. Simply put, unfaithful partners seldom antic.i.p.ate the tragic consequences or the pain they inflict.

It will probably be hurtful for betrayed partners to learn that although unfaithful spouses have difficulty suppressing thoughts of their lovers at home, they are unlikely to think about their spouses while they are in their love nests. Intrusive thoughts of lovers flow from the necessity of maintaining secrets, but it takes little energy to suppress thoughts of socially sanctioned marriages.11

Debbie Layton-Tholl found that 87 percent of involved partners think of their lover while with their spouse, but only 47 percent ever think of their spouse while with their lover.

5. What did you share about us?

This question addresses the issues of loyalty to the marriage and the nature of emotional intimacy in the affair. The betrayed partner has an understandable interest in knowing how much of a window the affair partner had into the marriage. The betrayed partner might also want to know how he or she and the marriage were portrayed.

Some unfaithful partners give positive accounts of their marriages and glowing descriptions of their spouses, to the bewilderment and chagrin of their affair partners. Others describe their spouses as cold or distant. It's hard to know whether this is an attempt to deceive by making the marriage look bad or whether it is a misguided unburdening of real marital woes. In any case, if you are the unfaithful partner, it's important for you to talk to your spouse about real problems in the marriage that you've discussed only with your affair partner. The next chapter will help you both review the story of your marriage and address these problems together.

In the event that the marriage was s.h.i.+elded and the betrayed spouse was never discussed, why were these topics not discussed with the affair partner? Some unfaithful partners try to keep their double lives completely separate by compartmentalizing. They may delude themselves into thinking that they are honoring their marriage by s.h.i.+elding it from the scrutiny of the person they are cheating with.

6. Did you talk about love or about a future together?

Talking about love is likely to bring to the surface errors of a.s.sumed similarity. The betrayed partner might insist that love and marriage were part of the picture and won't believe otherwise. If the involved partner does confess to being in love, this admission can make sense of events in a way that rote denials never could. It would explain why the affair went on so long and why it took so long to recover from the loss.