Not Just Friends Part 12

- School-age: peak period of child-centered marriages and neglect of the couple.

- Teen years: escape from turbulence at home and nostalgia for own adolescence.

- Launching and empty nest: pondering bleak future together without children.

- Retirement: loss of work or professional ident.i.ty and fear of aging.

Dating and Courts.h.i.+p There may have been red flags or warning signs during courts.h.i.+p that were ignored. For example, a relations.h.i.+p may have started with trust issues and jealousy or by cheating on previous partners. When Kris met Ken in college, she thought he was "the perfect man." Ken was sophisticated, smart, and looked like Tom Cruise. They studied together and spent hours in the coffeehouse talking about what they were learning in cla.s.s. Because Ken was living with another woman student at the time, he had to sneak out whenever they wanted to spend time together. Kris found their secret dating romantic and ignored the red flags of secrecy because their courts.h.i.+p was so pa.s.sionate. She was shocked by Ken's infidelity after they married. Looking back, however, she realized that she should have been warned by the fact that their relations.h.i.+p began with sneaking around.

Trust issues are not the only warning signs. Inadequate bonding can be seen in misplaced loyalties. A bride-to-be struggled with constant conflicts while planning the wedding: "My parents want one thing and my fiance wants something else. I think it's more important to please my parents. After all, they're my parents, and they are paying for everything." She was unaware that her wedding was a time to develop a united front with her husband-to-be. In the fifth year of their marriage, her husband had an affair. He had always felt like an outsider: when she said "my family," she still meant her parents and siblings-not her husband and children.

Newlyweds Soon after Tom and Tamara got married, they agreed that Tamara would work full-time while Tom worked part-time to finish his MBA degree. He spent every hour working, studying, or (sometimes) sleeping and had no time to do the things they'd always enjoyed together. Tamara was lonely and unhappy. She was a geologist and filled up her empty hours in the company of an unmarried colleague. They shared an excitement about working outdoors in the field that she didn't share with Tom, because he was so busy and not very interested. Tom was relieved that Tamara had this friends.h.i.+p, because she was less upset with him for being unavailable.

You can guess the rest. Although Tamara and her friend never went any further than kissing, she began to ponder the implications of her attraction to another man. She had only been married a year; shouldn't she and Tom still be totally wrapped up in each other? She ended up leaving her marriage because even though her betrayal was only a kiss, it made her think of all the other ways she and Tom were not a good match. When she ended the marriage, Tom was devastated. He believed that the reason he'd worked so hard to advance his career was for them. He had difficulty imagining that he would ever risk marriage again.

Transition to Parenthood The arrival of the first child causes many alterations in the marriage. When a wife becomes a mother, her husband can lose some of his erotic feelings toward her. Mothers of newborns often experience a decrease in s.e.xual desire because of hormonal changes and fatigue. The husband can feel neglected as the wife attends to the demanding physical and emotional needs of the infant. One wife told her husband how she felt after their baby was born: "I was tired but very happy," she said. Her husband confessed that he was tired but not happy: "You had no time for me anymore. I felt left out."

In addition to this new dynamic, both parents may feel trapped and ill prepared for the responsibilities they now have. An affair can represent an escape into a carefree zone. I have known couples where husbands had their first affair when their wives were pregnant. The men were antic.i.p.ating the loss of freedom and fearing the additional responsibility. Mothers of preschool children seldom have affairs because they have insufficient time, energy, or opportunity.

Child-Centered Marriages One of the most powerful vulnerabilities for infidelity is the child-centered marriage. Mothers and fathers make sacrifices for their children. Infants and school-age children test the bond you have with each other as you stretch to provide for their needs. Parents who worry about not giving enough time to the children plan their vacations and weekends around their children instead of making time for "the couple." Unfortunately, this is an oxygen-poor atmosphere for breathing life into romance.

Parenting has its pleasures and demands. In busy families, parents use whatever time they have to address the needs of their children. Even when they go out for a special occasion, such as a wedding anniversary, their romantic dinner turns into problem-solving sessions about their kids. They stare at each other across the candles and the flowers and don't have a lot to talk about except for vaccinations school performance, or fussy bedtimes. Their "couplehood" is engulfed by their parenthood.

Ralph and Rachel clearly loved and respected each other. They had no terrible problems, but they also weren't paying attention to their vulnerabilities, their soft spots. The story of their marriage became the story of work and family routines almost exclusively. The demands of their alternating work schedules, household renovations, and learning-disabled son hardly gave them time for themselves as a couple.

After Ralph's affair, they did some soul searching about how they had drifted apart. Rachel gained some insight into her part in turning her marriage into a child-centered relations.h.i.+p: "Looking back on it, I can see how my being such a devoted mother made Ralph feel excluded. I was either helping our son with homework or driving our daughter to ice skating practice." Ralph realized that he hadn't let Rachel know how isolated he felt, nor had he given her the undivided attention he had given to Lara.

The Turbulent Teens For many couples, the teenage years are the time when marital satisfaction is lowest. Opposing views about setting limits, premarital s.e.x, and use of alcohol and drugs can escalate conflict between parents. Parents often feel alienated from their adolescent children, which can expand into alienation from each other. Either parent can be vulnerable to an affair that provides them with a temporary respite from the turbulence at home.

Besides the challenges inherent in shepherding teenagers toward adulthood, parents can become aware of yearnings they didn't know they had. One mother explained how she felt as she took a picture of her daughter and her date before they left for the prom: "It took me by surprise-how beautiful my daughter was, the handsome young man bringing her a gift, and the surprise limo I knew he had rented for later. I was overcome by feelings of nostalgia and longing." This mother identified her feelings as a "sweet yearning" other parents can become jealous, envious, or downright compet.i.tive.

Launching When children start to leave home, another critical point in the life of the marriage has been reached. Launching often comes at about the same time that husbands and wives are wrestling with their own middle age. This important transition in the family life cycle can be mistaken for a midlife crisis (which is a matter of age rather than a result of transitional life events).

The launching period is frequently a time when couples choose whether to "make it" or "break it." Marriages where the children are sources of conflict may experience a renaissance. Couples who depended on their children as the glue that kept them together will have to find new reasons to remain married. A college freshman told her mother, "Every week someone in my dorm finds out that their parents are divorcing." People who have their first affair at this critical time often use their extramarital relations.h.i.+p to exit from the marriage.

Another vulnerable time for couples is when adult children return home because of divorce, job loss, or emotional problems. Oscar and Opal had worked hard to recover from his prolonged affair, but she fell back into old habits of catering to her children after their daughter and son-in-law moved back home during graduate school. When Opal realized that her marriage was at risk, she announced to her daughter, "Mom doesn't live here anymore. You can do your own laundry and cooking from now on." As Oscar welcomed his wife back from her role as an ever-nurturing mother, they both realized how crucial it is to nurture the couple.

Empty Nests and Retirement Dreams Empty nesters often find a resurgence of companions.h.i.+p and intimacy. Retirement poses new challenges a.s.sociated with aging and the ident.i.ty crisis caused by leaving the work setting. Couples experience conflicts and misunderstandings about how and where they want to spend their retirement. After George retired from his job, he spent all of his time planning a dream house of gla.s.s and cedar that would overlook the water.

When construction started, George was out there every day. Georgia begged him to take time off to take the trips she had always dreamed of, but George was totally absorbed in concrete and lumber and plumbing fixtures. Furthermore, he didn't want to spend any of their retirement funds on anything that might compromise plans for the house.

Georgia started taking short, inexpensive trips on her own with Elderhostel. She had to restrain herself from becoming emotionally involved with a widower who made time for travel and for her. When she told George about her close call, he fell wrecked. He thought he had been doing what Georgia wanted. Unlike Tom and Tamara's young marriage, which split up because Tamara felt abandoned, George and Georgia were committed to their marriage. They compromised to achieve a balance between traveling afar and watching the sunset from their waterfront veranda.

The Marital Lifeline: A Unique History Exploring the context that set the stage for an affair must also include the unique events that ill.u.s.trate each couple's marital history. It is stressful but enlightening to position the affair on the marital lifeline. The chaos and distress that follows disclosure can put a negative spin on memories of the past. Most people view the past through the bright or darkened lens of the present. Distressed couples tend to recount their history in terms of what went wrong and portray a distorted view unless they also revisit positive memories.

Until involved partners are fully committed to the marriage, they may claim that they were never in love with their spouse or paint a dismal picture of the entire marriage. However, they usually change their tune after the marital relations.h.i.+p is revitalized. Honest engagement in constructing the marital lifeline can transform black-and-white perspectives into a deeper, more comprehensive, and more sensitive understanding than any self-serving constructions created to account for the infidelity.

Your objective should be to figure out how the relations.h.i.+p got off track and how to get it back on course. This is hard to do if either partner's judgment is clouded by the censure and condemnation that obscure the delicate thread of shared truth. One of the challenges of discussing the events along the marital lifeline is to do it without casting blame. It's important to see what role each partner played in marital problems without holding the betrayed partner responsible for the affair. Contributing to marital problems is not the same as causing infidelity.

From Puppy Love to Mature Love Marriage is not just a series of events but also a process of growth and development. Relations.h.i.+ps progress through three stages, each of indeterminate length. The failure of some couples to mature together may be an indication that they have remained at one particular stage for too long.

- Stage I: The partners are typically quite enmeshed, like two peas in a pod. Flaws are almost invisible in a setting of romantic projections and idealistic thinking. It would be unthinkable to consider being with anyone else.

- Stage II: Their differences emerge and power struggles are frequent, along with disappointment and exaggeration of flaws. A disillusioned or angry spouse may try to recapture Stage I idealization through an affair.

- Stage III: Couples achieve a mature love with mutual respect and acceptance of defects. Couples who empathize with and accept each other after an affair often achieve this type of reality-based love.

Constructing the Marital Lifeline Constructing a graph of the marital lifeline provides a self-guided discussion of the marital history. This graph can be as simple or as elaborate as you wish. Each partner should draw his or her own graph privately, although the objective is to share them. Use the ill.u.s.tration by Phil X, M.D., on page 238 to guide you.

1. At the bottom left-hand corner of the page, mark a zero point where the vertical and horizontal lines of the graph will meet.

2. Beginning at this zero point, draw a vertical line from the bottom to the top of the page. Put five ratings along this line from the bottom to the top: (1) Very Unhappy, (2) Unhappy, (3) Average, (4) Happy, (5) Very Happy. Refer to Figure 9-3 for clarification.

3. Beginning at the zero point, draw a horizontal line to the right that marks the bottom of the happiness scale. This horizontal line represents the years of your relations.h.i.+p from the time when you seriously began dating.

4. Place significant events during your marriage by using the timeline at the bottom of the page. You can use words, pictures, or a combination of words and pictures. Place your mark, symbol, or picture of the event up high if very happy, in the middle if average, or down low if very unhappy. Milestones you might want to include on your marital timeline are: - Moving to a different home - Career changes - Milestones with children, friends, or other family members - Special occasions: holidays, vacations, or gifts - Times of illness or the death of people close to you - Moments of triumph - Moments of disappointment - Beginning and ending of affair(s) Using the Marital Lifeline as the Basis of Discussion Highlighting significant events that could have created the vulnerability for an affair is an effective way to strengthen your relations.h.i.+p. Recalling other challenges you faced and happier times you shared can inspire optimism about the future. One partner might say to the other, "I didn't realize we moved so often when we were first married" or "Look how much was going on when we had our third child" or "Remember how well we worked together when our house was flooded?"

Although partners may be able to agree on what happened, they often have different feelings about their shared experiences. Perhaps there was a time when one partner was happy and the other was miserable-when "her dream was his nightmare." Jessica recalled that the time she felt closest to John was when he was out of work. He was home every night for dinner, helped out with household tasks, and confided in her about his anxieties and frustrations. Despite their financial worries, she considered herself very happy with the marriage during his layoff. Although John agreed that Jessica had been very supportive, being out of work was catastrophic for him. He recalled that period in their marriage as very unhappy, without enough money to go out to dinner or have much fun.

Family Crises Recall crises that could have brought you closer together or driven you further apart. A couple facing a family crisis can pull together with renewed dedication or withdraw into separate camps. Some partners need to connect and talk things over, whereas others avoid discussions of upsetting topics by pretending they didn't happen or dealing with them alone. A relations.h.i.+p can become very fractured when there is no healing communication about heart-rending events.

People handle grief and loss in different ways. Those who don't want to bring up painful memories can become estranged. You might remember Angela, whose husband Aaron had an affair right after her mother died. When Angela cried openly. Aaron backed away from her pain. He had adored her mother but didn't want to add to Angela's burden with his own grief. He shed his tears on the shoulder of the "friendly neighbor" who became his affair partner. Angela and Aaron eventually did their grieving together for the loss of her mother as they recovered from his betrayal.

Ignoring the wound is seldom a healing resolution. It is unfortunate when the outcome of a family tragedy is an affair or a divorce. In couples who stay married, unresolved grief and neglected issues can create a tremendous gulf between them.

Unresolved Issues Often in long-term relations.h.i.+p, uncomfortable issues get swept under the carpet. You either don't discuss them at all or don't satisfactorily resolve them. You can build barriers to emotional and s.e.xual intimacy. It is not uncommon for husbands or wives to stay silent about miscarriages, abortions, and stillbirths. A growing number of infertile couples can attest to the debilitating cycle of mechanical s.e.x, high hopes, and crus.h.i.+ng disappointments. Silent frustration and visible anguish can dominate their previously satisfying intimate relations.h.i.+p.

Stan and Stella never talked to each other about the meaning of their childlessness. Although they stopped using birth control after the first few years of marriage, she never got pregnant. He thought she didn't care that much about having children, and she thought he didn't care. When Stan had an affair ten years after they got married, his affair partner got pregnant because they didn't use any contraception. It was only then that he and Stella revealed how heartbroken each of them had been about not having any children of their own.

Physical Separations Those who travel regularly on business, couples who work in different cities, or men and women in the military may be vulnerable to filling the void created by their partner's absence. A Naval officer told me that at his post, men and women receive a briefing from a military psychologist before they leave for a temporary duty a.s.signment. They are warned that when they face difficult situations in close quarters with members of the opposite s.e.x, they should not mistake adrenaline for attraction. Good advice, whether you are officially on duty or not.

Flashbacks can be triggered it the unfaithful partner used travel to sick family members, conferences, and educational activities as opportunities for infidelity. Any recovering couple who is going to be separated by travel in the future will need a plan for staying connected and establis.h.i.+ng a sense of safety. You need to discuss any periods when you were deliberately living apart because your marriage had hit rock bottom, even though it can painful. Discussing what brought you back together and what you missed about each other during your marital separation can reinforce your commitment.

Joys and Triumphs Be sure to point out those special times when you were joyful or triumphant together. Bask in the glow of recounting the events in your marriage that make you feel proud or that give you pleasure, such as the day you found out you were pregnant, the accomplishments of your children, your special anniversary trip, your starter home, or your dream house.

Mixed Feelings Reviewing your marital lifeline has probably brought up some powerful emotions. Remembering the tender moments brings tears to your eyes, and the funny stuff brings tears of laughter. There are probably things you've forgotten, times you hadn't thought about for a while. Working on your history together not only co-constructs reality, it provides you with intriguing new information. You've probably shared things you haven't talked about before: you didn't know your partner was so proud of you when you were promoted, or you didn't realize that your partner was so resentful when you had to move to another city. Talking about the meaning of your joint experiences strengthens your bond.

Now that you have filled in your marital lifeline, you are ready to look carefully at the patterns of interaction that can create vulnerabilities for infidelity.

Relations.h.i.+p Dances Every couple develops relations.h.i.+p dances. Through the years, interactions that were once fresh and even surprising can become well worn by repet.i.tion. Even the children can predict with some accuracy what Mom and Dad will do and say in their exchanges with each other. The advantage of having such unchanging scripts is familiarity. The disadvantage is that the dance can become inflexible and unyielding. What we see in these imperfect pairs is that each person is defined in relation to the other: if one person steps forward, the other takes a corresponding step back. Although such movement can describe a beautiful dance, it can also describe the kind of lockstep that keeps both people imprisoned.

In a relations.h.i.+p that is enriching, opposite traits that may have been part of the initial attraction diminish as partners become more similar to each other. In a deteriorating relations.h.i.+p, differences between partners become more extreme and the negative cycles accelerate. Taking a closer look at relations.h.i.+p patterns reveals unrewarding interactions that may have made one partner susceptible to seeking solace outside the marriage. An affair can foster the opportunity for personal growth that fixed roles don't provide. Couples either handle the aftermath of an affair by replicating patterns that formed vulnerabilities in the first place, or they use the crisis to develop new patterns that are more rewarding.

Parent and Child In some marriages, central issues take the form of a parent-child relations.h.i.+p. The parent-child dance between spouses can manifest itself in a variety of interactional patterns. The partner who is the "child" may not only admire but also resent the high esteem with which his or her partner is regarded by the outside world. The partner who takes the role of "parent" may envy the freedom and lack of responsibility that the "child" seems to enjoy. Either partner may become uncomfortable being in a s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p with a spouse who appears parental or childlike because it feels too incestuous.

Dennis was older than his wife, Dora, by more than ten years. She looked up to him during the early years of their marriage because of his maturity and sophistication. After their children were in high school, Dora pursued a career in marketing. Her work outside the home increased her self-esteem, and she grew resentful that Dennis still didn't treat her as an equal. One day they had a huge argument. Dora took off her shoe and threw it across the room, where it landed against the opposite wall. Dennis turned to her and shouted, "Go to your room right now!" Dora shouted back, "You're not my father!"

You may remember that Dora is the woman who refused to stop playing tennis with her affair partner. His appeal was that she could be more spontaneous with him because he appreciated her free spirit. Although she was committed to saving her marriage, in her effort to avoid submitting to Dennis's reasonable request she was being as unreasonable as a defiant adolescent.

Saint and Sinner In the saint-sinner dance, a "goody-goody" partner is intent on reforming a partner who is the "wild one." Blake grew up in a very strict family. He was grounded for the last two years of high school, after he got his nose pierced and his chest tattooed. When he got to college, he busted loose and vowed never to be controlled by anybody again. Although Brenda was attracted to his wild and winning ways during courts.h.i.+p, she tried to tame him after their first child was born. Their marriage soon replicated his childhood pattern. Brenda was stern and disapproving and lectured Blake when he drove fast or came home late at night. She thought he needed to be carefully monitored. What better way for him to rebel against her than to have an affair? After she discovered his affair, they sank even more deeply into their positions as "saint" and "sinner."

Bully and Sneak In the bully-sneak situation, one partner is judgmental and intimidating, and the other resorts to subterfuge. As a child, Sandy learned that if she was going to do anything her parents might disapprove of, she'd better do it behind their backs. Whenever she bought something new for herself, her husband would question her purchase. Instead of a.s.serting herself, she began to make secret purchases that she hid in the trunk of her car until the coast was clear. When she became friendly with a coworker, she hid the relations.h.i.+p because she didn't want to have to explain herself.

Sneaking around became such a pattern for Sandy that her ensuing affair was only one more secret she hid from her husband. When Sandy offered her house to Cheryl for her clandestine meetings, she was colluding in Cheryl's sneaking around. She justified lying to Cliff by seeing him as just another "bully."

Demand-Withdrawal Patterns In patterns of demanding and withdrawing, one partner makes a request and the other delays or avoids carrying it out. As a reasonable request escalates into a coercive command, a subtle avoidance escalates into overt resistance. n.o.body wins, and everybody loses-especially the relations.h.i.+p.

Pursuer and Distancer One of the most common gender dances is that of wives pursuing emotional connection by talking about relations.h.i.+p problems, while their husbands distance to avoid conflict by withdrawing physically or emotionally. A vicious cycle occurs when pleas for intimacy that are ignored by the husband cause the wife to intensify her pursuit. His subsequent retreat triggers feelings of abandonment in the wife, who then attacks him with criticism and contempt ... and the beat goes on.11 As long as wives are complaining about lack of closeness, they're still committed to their marriages. It's a serious sign that a marriage is in trouble when a wife finally withdraws. Wives stop pursuing when they've become discouraged about ever satisfying their emotional intimacy needs within the marriage. Ironically, husbands often react to the newfound peace and quiet with increased satisfaction. But it's a false sense of security.

I get frantic distress calls from husbands in this situation too late in the cycle to save their marriages. By the time the husband is concerned about his wife's detachment (often because she has also withdrawn s.e.xually), she is either involved with another man or is making concrete plans to leave the marriage.

Clam and Stingray In the clam-stingray dance, one partner attacks with barbed words while the other retreats into a sh.e.l.l. In some couples, both partners suppress expressions of anger, anxiety, fear, and disappointment toward each other. In other couples, conflict is the stuff of life. With the clam and the stingray, one partner loves conflict and the other is conflict-avoidant. Growing up in a home with a high sense of conflict can make some people comfortable with emotional explosiveness, whereas others are almost phobic about any sign of disagreement or tension.

Cecilia was one of three girls in a warm, pa.s.sionate Italian family. The sisters exchanged clothes, had fun together, and also had terrible fights, after which they made up quickly. Cecilia's husband, Carl, grew up as an only child in a constricted Scandinavian family. When he did something that displeased Cecilia, she ranted and raved at him. As soon as her voice began to rise, Carl retreated as far away as he could. He felt like putting his hands over his ears. After decades of hiding his resentment over his wife's hot temper, Carl fell in love with a very gentle woman who was soft-spoken and sensitive. When Cecilia found out, she was shocked. She thought they had a great marriage because she acted as she pleased. As she said to him: "You never told me that I upset you. I was just being myself."

Fay also found it very difficult to stand up to differences of opinion or negative emotions in her marriage. She grew up in a conflict-habituated household where her parents shouted and argued a lot. As a little girl, she cowered alone in her bedroom, hoping she would be magically transported to a safe place. After Fay got married, she darted back into her sh.e.l.l for protection whenever her husband, Fabian, was angry or even slightly peeved. She caved in almost immediately every time a dispute or disagreement arose. Holding back her feelings built a wall of unexpressed grudges and resentments.

Both Fay and Fabian would say that there wasn't very much intimacy in their marriage. He always felt like he was walking on egg sh.e.l.ls around her. The pattern they developed kept them from honest sharing. Only after Fabian's affair did she begin to realize the damage that had been done to their marriage because she avoided telling or hearing about negative feelings. There was no way to deal with those unresolved problems in the marriage, so it had seemed easier for Fabian to start with a blank slate in a new relations.h.i.+p. Fay's rage over his betrayal unleashed a torrent of angry feelings that had been acc.u.mulating for years. Fabian's willingness to hang in and work it out with her was the beginning of genuine exchanges and more open communication.

Reminder and Procrastinator In the remind[image]r-procrastinator dance, one partner appears superresponsible and the other appears to be a slacker. The partners might think of each other as "the nag" and "the mule." The reminder's scripts are: "When are you going to call the doctor?" "Have you sent in your taxes?" "Why do I have to do everything around here?" The procrastinator's sole script is: "Stop bugging me. I'll do it later." In this rough cycle, each brings out the worst in the other. The reminder may be overly compulsive or impatient, and the procrastinator may be disorganized or stubborn. The affair provides a release from this tension because responsibilities are more likely to be equally shared on a voluntary basis.

How to Begin a New Dance If any of the preceding relations.h.i.+p patterns apply to your marriage, you can break the cycle. In the dysfunctional dances described above, the partners occupy the extreme ends of the spectrum of behavior. If one pursues, the other withdraws; if one controls, the other rebels; if one does too much, the other does too little. It you feel stuck in a groove that is confining you to a fixed role, there are other options besides seeking growth in a new relations.h.i.+p.

When you focus on trying some new and different steps in your existing relations.h.i.+p, you can achieve surprising changes.12 If you're the one who pushes, you can back off a little. If you're the one who retreats, you can meet your partner halfway. If you don't like being reminded, you can volunteer before you're asked. Abandon the large pendulum swings of action and reaction in favor of the comfortable synchronization of give and take. When you moderate your reactions, you make it easier for your partner to moderate his or hers. If you're the one who pushes, you can back off a little. If you're the one who retreats, you can meet your partner halfway. If you don't like being reminded, you can volunteer before you're asked. Abandon the large pendulum swings of action and reaction in favor of the comfortable synchronization of give and take. When you moderate your reactions, you make it easier for your partner to moderate his or hers.

The Myth of the Low-Maintenance Marriage You can't just show up at your job and expect to be successful; you put time and energy into it. By the same token, you can't just show up for marriage. Creating a marriage that is intimate and safe takes work, just like any other worthwhile human endeavor. You have to put time and energy into it too. Love is not enough 10 keep a marriage going. Enjoying your children and maintaining your home are not enough to keep the marriage going either. Only conscious and mutual efforts are enough-including wise decisions about keeping your commitments.

The story of your marriage is reflected in a variety of a.s.sets and deficits. You can see it in your satisfying s.e.x life and in how good you feel in each other's company. Some couples are bonded because of a high level of understanding, affection, and companions.h.i.+p. Others are distanced by criticism, disrespect, and a failure to enhance each other's self-esteem. Some couples love talking together about ideas and interests; others communicate mostly about schedules and the other mechanics of running a household.

Relations.h.i.+p factors do not account for involved people whose marriages are satisfying and loving. The story of your marriage is not the whole story. Other types of vulnerabilities also need to be explored. The story of individual vulnerabilities in att.i.tudes, personality, and attachment style is presented in Chapter 10, and the influence of social factors such as friends, family, and community standards is presented in Chapter 11.

10.

YOUR INDIVIDUAL STORIES.

What kind of a person are you, anyway, to do what you did?

BETRAYED PARTNERS are disoriented by the revelation of infidelity. They confront the unfaithful partner: "Who are you? Everything I once believed about you is changed, now that I know what you are capable of." They're trying to a.s.semble a new picture that incorporates the landscape of betrayal. Involved partners may also feel confused if they have fractured their self-image by acting against their own value system. are disoriented by the revelation of infidelity. They confront the unfaithful partner: "Who are you? Everything I once believed about you is changed, now that I know what you are capable of." They're trying to a.s.semble a new picture that incorporates the landscape of betrayal. Involved partners may also feel confused if they have fractured their self-image by acting against their own value system.

Some people in unhappy marriages don't have affairs and some people in happy marriages do have affairs. The explanation lies not in the marriage but in their individual stories. Russ rejected opportunities for extramarital affairs despite s.e.xual deprivation and frustration in his marriage. Even after being shattered by Rita's infidelity, he was resolute in his own commitment to monogamy because of his personal and moral values. In contrast, Luther was unequivocally satisfied with his marriage but had no misgivings about engaging in extramarital s.e.x.

Infidelity raises questions about personal factors that may not have surfaced until the affair came to light. Slowly, the couple pieces together the individual story that explains why. Trying to understand how it happened and why is much more than a diversionary tactic. Exploring the vulnerabilities in the personal background of unfaithful partners is a way for them to gain insight about themselves so they can avoid the slippery slope in the future.

Sometimes betrayed spouses are interested in the details of the affair but don't want to hear about individual motives or vulnerabilities because they're afraid to get sidetracked from their sense of having been wronged. They don't want to make the effort to understand what happened in case understanding becomes confused with condoning or excusing. But understanding is not the same as excusing. Gaining insight into what happened and why benefits both partners.

We have already discussed how the new crisis of infidelity is a product of increased opportunity in the workplace, but opportunity alone doesn't determine whether someone will be unfaithful. Some people accept the invitation, and others in comparable circ.u.mstances turn it down. Now it is time to look at those unique aspects of experience and personality that make each of us who we are as individuals. Personal factors such as att.i.tudes, needs, personality, and character shape the actions and reactions of both partners before, during, and after the affair.

Quiz: Individual Vulnerability Map There's no way to predict with certainty whether a specific individual is going to be unfaithful. Responding to the statements below will help identify att.i.tudes and personality characteristics that increase an individual's vulnerability to opportunities for extramarital involvement.

Directions: Circle the appropriate letter to the left of each statement: A = Yes Yes, I agree. D = No No, I disagree. NA = Not applicable.

[image]Scoring Key:Add up your points to calculate your individual vulnerability score: individual vulnerability score:In Parts I, III, IV, and V: each Yes = 1, No = O.In Part II: each No = 1, Yes = O.Your score tells how close you are to the slippery slope of infidelity.0-4 = Safety zone5-9 = Proceed with caution10-14 = Slippery slope15-19 = Danger zone Individual Att.i.tudes about Infidelity Our att.i.tudes-what we believe about monogamy, commitment, honesty, loyalty, and extramarital s.e.x-very definitely influence how we behave. Att.i.tudes, not marital happiness, differentiate between people like Russ and Luther. It seems pretty obvious that people who have been unfaithful will have more approving, att.i.tudes toward infidelity than those who have never been involved. Our att.i.tudes and values predict how likely it is that we would cheat in the first place and whether we would feel guilty afterward if we did. Permissive att.i.tudes can move us to open the door of opportunity, whereas personal values and relations.h.i.+p considerations can inhibit us from crossing the threshold.

Justifications and Excuses One man in my airport sample offered a unique justification on my research questionnaire; he wrote as his reason for having an extramarital relations.h.i.+p, "I never refuse a gift." His lighthearted approach was diametrically opposed to one women who felt she had violated her inner core. This unfaithful wife commented, "Nothing justified what I did, but I was feeling so lonely that I got involved. I regret it every day." Both of these individuals had extramarital intercourse, but one brushed it off and the other was seriously shaken. The first individual didn't value fidelity; the second one did.

Individuals who deliberately seek extramarital relations.h.i.+ps justify their actions beforehand and feel little regret afterward. Unfaithful partners who are frustrated by inadequacies in their marriage can intentionally fulfill those unmet needs with someone else. For example, a spouse who feels emotionally deprived may justify an affair for its intellectual sharing and companions.h.i.+p-before falling in love or engaging in s.e.x with someone who started out as "just friends."

On the other hand, others look for reasons to justify their betrayal after the fact. If they feel justified to have an affair because they fell in love with another person, then they claim that they never really loved their spouse. After their indulgence, when they are no longer simply talking to themselves (but actually justifying their behavior to others), they tend to cast blame. They create an explanation in which their own victimization absolves their transgressions: "My wife was frigid" "My husband didn't talk to me" "I was crazy from the all the stress at my job."

Some people offer excuses, such as "I was drunk" or "I was seduced." Offering excuses is not the same as offering justifications. Those who offer excuses are not blithely saying that they didn't do anything wrong; they are explaining why they did something wrong but are attempting to minimize their wrongdoing by giving a reason for their actions. "Justifiers" act self-righteous in efforts to validate the appropriateness of their behaviors; "excusers" are more willing to accept blame for their actions.

National surveys report that 85 percent of those polled disapprove of extramarital involvement, but these surveys define "extramarital involvement" with a single question about approval/disapproval of extramarital s.e.xual intercourse. On my justification questionnaire, I offered people sixteen specific reasons that would justify an extramarital relations.h.i.+p for themselves. They were able to discriminate among specific justifications that were meaningful for them and rejected other reasons that were not acceptable to them.

The justifications that men and women offer for extramarital involvement often reflect different perspectives on s.e.x and love. An unfaithful wife who was leaving her husband said, "I had an affair because I found someone who was understanding and affectionate. It would have been wrong to get involved for s.e.xual reasons." A man who considered his s.e.xual infidelities to be harmless diversions said, "Variety is the spice of life, but I'd never allow myself to get emotionally involved. That would be an unjustifiable offense."

Unfaithful husbands and wives in my clinical practice selected reasons for getting involved that represented emotional intimacy, love, s.e.x, and ego enhancement. Falling in love with another person was a justification chosen by 64 percent of the husbands and 66 percent of the wives who admitted having extramarital s.e.xual intercourse. These unfaithful wives felt justified by companions.h.i.+p and understanding more than unfaithful husbands did, whereas unfaithful husbands approved more of s.e.xual justifications than did unfaithful wives.

Faithful spouses are vulnerable for an affair if they believe that getting involved would be acceptable under certain circ.u.mstances. For example, a still faithful partner who feels s.e.xually deprived in the marriage could be receptive to a s.e.xual invitation from an interested colleague at work. A partner who is not constrained by personal values will give off signals that he or she is ripe for the picking.

Percent of Unfaithful Spouses with Extramarital Intercourse Who Approved Specific Justifications for Extramarital Relations.h.i.+ps Premarital s.e.xual Permissiveness Thelma had s.e.xual intercourse fur the first time at age fifteen. She had many brief encounters and long-term s.e.xual relations.h.i.+ps before she met and married her husband, Trent After she was married, she had extramarital s.e.x with ten different men before Trent discovered her betrayal. Because of Thelmas extensive premarital experience, the extramarital s.e.x act didn't seem momentous to her, but it did cause the destruction of her marriage.

More women are engaging in extramarital s.e.x because more women have experienced premarital s.e.x with men other than their husbands. Men and women with s.e.xually permissive att.i.tudes after marriage were often s.e.xually permissive before marriage-particularly if they were s.e.xually experienced with multiple partners and began at an early age. People who had a quick succession of lovers in the past more typically have extramarital affairs that are quickly consummated and just as quickly finished. On the other hand, emotional affairs begin slowly, have an extended duration, and are not predicted by premarital s.e.xual permissiveness.

Extramarital s.e.x was reported by 48 percent of women whose first premarital s.e.x occurred at age fifteen or younger, in contrast with 16 percent of women whose first premarital s.e.x occurred after age twenty-one.1

Ent.i.tlement Feelings of ent.i.tlement are plentiful among willful philanderers. Arnold was one of the few successful "dot com-ers" who continued to prosper during the economic downturn. He felt ent.i.tled to enjoy the fruits of his labor by availing himself of the enamored young women who worked for him. Part of the satisfaction for him was that desirable women had scorned him when he was just another "computer nerd" at the bottom of the corporate ladder. Now that he was the CEO of a thriving company, his s.e.xual conquests gave him a special thrill. He felt no regret about betraying Alice, who had loved him unconditionally since their college days.

Men like Arnold can carry on their risky behaviors for decades without being detected, or they can suffer personal and professional catastrophe from their philandering. In either case, they regard themselves as committed to their wives and happily married all the while. The irony is that men who operate from a misguided sense of ent.i.tlement almost always restrict the women they love from engaging in the same behavior. When a wife asked her husband how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, he said, "I'd kill you. But I know you'd never do anything like that."

The stereotype of the powerful man and the trophy woman is consistent with research findings across cultures and across time that men are attracted to beauty and youth, and women are attracted to power and resources. Successful men who already view extramarital s.e.x as a privilege of masculinity feel even greater ent.i.tlement by virtue of prominence and wealth. We have certainly had enough public scandals of politicians and religious leaders who felt ent.i.tled to take advantage of starry-eyed young women. What the powerful man fail to comprehend is that he is the coveted trophy who becomes attainable when he takes the giant step down from his lofty pedestal to unzip his fly. Stripped of his cloak of impenetrability, the seducer has become the seduced.

Power can be an aphrodisiac for high-status men and women. In couples where there is a high-status wife and a lower-status husband, the wife is likely to have more affairs than other women, and her husband is likely to have fewer affairs than other men.2 Personal Deterrents The fact remains that lots of people who don't take a bite of the forbidden fruit are stressed out, have opportunities for affairs, and are unhappy in their primary relations.h.i.+ps. Although they may feel tempted or needy, they don't act on their desires. Randy justified his affair with Sophie after he had fallen in love with her. If he had been truly dedicated to remaining faithful, he could have backed off as soon as he felt himself wanting to spend secret hours with her.

Individuals who believe that nothing justifies extramarital involvement make a special effort to avoid opportunities-even more so if they are feeling vulnerable. No matter what is going on, they uphold their commitment to be faithful. One man told me, "On a good day, when things are going well, I am committed to my wife. On a day when things are just okay, I am committed to my marriage. And on a day when things aren't so great, I satisfy myself by being committed to my commitment."

Our personal value system provides us with a green light that accelerates our movement toward an impending affair, or a cautionary yellow light that slows us down at the dangerous intersection of opportunity, or a flas.h.i.+ng red light that tells us to brake at the sound of an approaching siren. Just as justifications and feelings of ent.i.tlement pave the road to infidelity, moral values and commitment to fidelity are the barriers on the highway to extramarital involvement.

There is a delicate balance between the factors that are vulnerabilities and those that act as deterrents. In general, vulnerabilities increase as a marriage ages. If we believe that falling in love with another person is justification for an affair, we avoid thinking about the deterrents that would inhibit us as we allow ourselves to fall in love. By the time we are accelerating our slide down the slippery slope, it may be too late to reverse direction. Those who honor their commitment in the face of a wavering focus draw on dedication to personal and relations.h.i.+p ideals.