Susan Clegg and a Man in the House Part 10

Sweet--but anyhow, good or no good, she dug up the tacks last night an'

ripped the widths an' set down to sew this mornin'. Her story is as she turned the duck out to pasture right after breakfast an' then went to work an' sewed away as happy as a bean until about ten o'clock. Then she felt most awful tired from the rippin' an' yesterday an' all, so she thought she'd rest a little. Seems as her legs was all done up in the carpet an' gettin' out was hard so she thought she'd just lay back on the floor. Seems she lay back suddener than she really intended an' as she hit the floor, she was _took_.

"She give a yell an' she says she kept on givin' yells for one solid hour, an' no one come. She says as no words can ever tell how awful it was, for every yell sent a pain like barbed wire lightnin' forkin' an'

knifin' all ways through her. No one heard her, for the blacksmith was shoein' a mule on one side of her an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy was discussin' Hiram on the other. You know what a mule is to shoe, Mrs.

Lathrop, an' you know what Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy is when they take to discussin' Hiram. I'll take my Bible oath as when Gran'ma Mullins an'

Lucy gets to discussin' Hiram they couldn't hear no steam penelope out of a circus, not if it was settin' full tilt right on their very own door-mat. So poor Mrs. Macy laid there an' hollered till Mrs. Sweet came for the cullender.

"Mrs. Sweet says, _the_ shock she got when she opened the door an' see Mrs. Macy with the carpet on her was enough to upset anybody.

"She says she thought at first as Mrs. Macy was tryin' to take up her carpet by crawlin' under it an' makin' the tacks come out that way. But then she see as her face was up an' of course no Christian'd ever crawl under no carpet with her face up. So she asked her what was the matter, an' Mrs. Macy told her frank an' open as she did n't know what was the matter. Then Mrs. Sweet went to work an' tried to set her up. An' she says the way she yelled!

"She says she jerked her by the arms, an' by the legs, an' even by the head, an' her howls only grew awfuler an' awfuler. Mrs. Macy says as her agonies was terrible every time she slid a little along, an' she just begged an' prayed for her to go an' get young Dr. Brown. So finally Mrs.

Sweet ran next door an' separated Lucy an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy went for young Dr. Brown an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Mrs. Sweet went for Mrs.

Macy. Oh, my, but their story is as they jerked hard then, for they wanted her to be respectable in bed afore he came, but it was no use an'

he bounced in an' fell over Mrs. Macy an' the carpet afore his eyes got used to where he was. They had to help him up an' then he had to go in the kitchen an' disinfect his b.u.mp afore he could take a look at Mrs.

Macy. But seems he got around to her at last an' felt her pulse an' then as he'd forgot his kinetoscope he just pounded her softly all over with the tack-hammer, but he did n't find out nothin' that way for she yelled wherever he hit her. He said then as he'd like to turn X-rays through her, only as there is n't no cellar under her house just there there'd be no way to get a picture of the other side of what was the matter with her.

"So he said she _must_ be got up, an' although she howled as she could n't be, he had Lucy an' Hiram an' the blacksmith's crowbar an' the blacksmith, an' it was plain as she'd have to come whether nor no. Mrs.

Sweet says it was surely a sight to see. They put the crowbar across a footstool, an' Hiram jerked on the other side at the same time, an' with a yell like Judgment Day they sat her up.

"An' what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop? What _do_ you think? There was a tack stickin' square in the middle of her back!

"Oh, my, but young Dr. Brown was awful mad! Mr. Kimball says he guesses he's got suthin' out of somebody now as he won't care to preserve in alcohol for a ornament to his mantelpiece. Hiram is mad, too, for he was goin' over to Meadville to fan a baseball team this afternoon an' he says Mrs. Macy has used up all his fannin' muscle. An' Lucy's mad 'cause she says she was way ahead of Gran'ma Mullins in what they were talkin'

about an' now she's forgotten what that was. But Gran'ma Mullins was maddest of all when she found out about the duck, 'cause it seems as Drusilla Cobb's husband was a relation of hers an' as a consequence she never could bear Drusilla, so I said I'd take the duck."

"What--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

"I shall fat him an' eat him."

"An' what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, further.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you that: Mrs. Macy hunted up the magazine an'

looked 'em up an' for a fact it was Kulosis after all. As soon as she see it she remembered the four noses an' all, but she says she was too done up to go any further at the minister just then."

"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, finally.

"I don't know, an' I don't care anyhow, an' I ain't goin' to catch no spider for the sake of findin' out. He'll eat just as well as she will, I reckon, an' if I have any doubts, my ways of settlin' 'em 'll be by parboilin' instead of spiders."

So saying Susan rose, sought her duck, and departed.

CHAPTER XIII

MONOTONY OF MINISTERIAL MONOLOGUES

Mrs. Lathrop never went to church. She had relinquished church when she had given up all other social joys that called for motive power beyond the limits of her own fence.

Elijah rarely ever went to church. The getting the paper out Friday for Sat.u.r.day delivery wore on him so that he nearly always slept until noon on Sunday.

So Susan went alone week after week, just as she had been going alone for years and years and years. She always wore a black dress to church, her mother's cashmere shawl, and a bonnet of peculiar shape which had no strings and fitted closely around her head. She always took about an hour and a half to get home from church, although it was barely ten minutes' walk, and she always went in Mrs. Lathrop's gate instead of her own when she did get home. Mrs. Lathrop knew almost to the minute when to expect her and was invariably seated ready and waiting.

One late May day when Susan returned from church she followed her usual course of Sunday observances by going straight to her neighbor's and sitting down hard on one of the latter's kitchen chairs, but she differed from her usual course by her expression, which--usually bland and fairly contented with the world in general--was this morning most bitterly set and firmly a.s.sured in displeasure.

"Well," said Mrs. Lathrop, somewhat alarmed but attempting to speak pleasantly, "was--"

"No," said Susan, "I should say not." Then she unpinned her hat and ran the pin through the crown with a vicious directness that bore out her words to the full.

"Susan!" said Mrs. Lathrop, appalled, "why--"

"Well, I can't help it if you are," said Miss Clegg, "you don't have to go Sunday after Sunday an' listen like I do. If you did, an' if you had what you ain't got an' that's some spirit, Mrs. Lathrop, you'd be rammin' around with a hat-pin yourself an' understand my feelin's when I say as there ain't a spot in the Bible as I ain't been over fully as often as the minister nor a place where he can open it that I can't tell just what he'll say about it afore he's done settlin' his tie an'

clearin' his throat. I'm so tired of that tie-settlin' an'

throat-clearin' business I don't know what to do an' then to-day it was the Sermon on the Mount an' he said as he had a new thought to develop out of the mount for us an' the new thought was as life was a mount with us all climbin' up it an' sure to come out on top with the Sermon if our legs held out. It's this new idea of new thoughts as he's got hold of as puts me so out of all patience I don't know what to do; if they was really new I'd revel to listen to 'em, but they're as old as the hills an' I feel like I was offered somethin' to cut my teeth on whenever I hear him beginnin' with a fresh old one. The other day I met him down in the square an' he stopped me short an' told me to my face as the world was gettin' full o' new thoughts, an' that a star as he see the night afore had given him one as he was intendin' to work up for Christmas.

Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think that particular new thought was?

What _do_ you think? It was as G.o.d was back o' the stars! My lands, I felt like givin' him a punch with my parasol an' I'd of done it too only I'd left my parasol at home an' had n't nothin' with me but a basket o'

currants. I told him though as the idea o' G.o.d an' the stars bein'

anyways new was surely _most_ new to me, an' then I went on to say as Rachel Rebecca had said she'd come an' pick berries for me Monday an'

seein' as Tuesday was lettin' its sun down pretty fast I could only hope as some other new thought had n't run off with her, too.

"It's this way, Mrs. Lathrop, I don't get much fun out o' church anyway, for I'm on red-hot porcupines the whole time I'm there thinkin' what I could be doin' at home if I _was_ at home, an' wonderin' whether Elijah is in bed or whether he's up an' about. I don't know a more awful feelin' than the feelin' that you're chained helpless in a church while the man in your house is up an' about your house. Men were n't meant to be about houses an' I always liked father because he never was about, but Elijah is of a inquirin' disposition an' he inquires more Sundays than any other time. The idea as he's wanderin' around just carelessly lookin' into everythin' as ain't locked upsets me for listenin' to the minister anyway, but lately my patience has been up on its hind legs in church clawin' an' yowlin' more 'n ever, for it seems as if the minister gets tamer an' tamer faster an' faster as time rolls on, an' between not likin' to hear him an' bein' half mad to get back to Elijah I'm beginnin' to wish as G.o.d in His infinite mercy had let me be somethin'

besides a Christian. I don't know what I'd be if I was n't a Christian, but my own view o' this idea o' free-trade in religion as is takin' so many folks nowadays is as it all comes from most anybody with common sense jus' naturally knowin' more than any minister as always has his house an' his potatoes for nothin' ever can possibly get a chance to learn; an' when folks realize as they know more than the minister they ain't apt to like to waste the time as they might be learnin' more yet, sittin' an' listenin' to him tag along behind what they know already. A minister is kind o' like a horse in blinders or a cow as wears a yoke to keep her from jumpin', anyway--he feels as he can't launch out even if he wants to an' so he never does, but my idea would be to give 'em a little rope an' let 'em be a little more interestin'. Here's two hours a week as we sit still an' might be learnin' things much more useful than as Job was patient an' Joseph was n't. I'm tired of Job an' Joseph anyhow. I've heard about 'em both ever since I was old enough to know about either, an' long afore I was old enough to know about Joseph. I was talkin' about this at the sewin' society yesterday an' they all agreed with me. Mrs. Macy said as her feelin' was as she'd been wantin'

to go to sleep in church for the last five years, an' she was beginnin'

to have it so strong as she did n't care who knowed it.

"Was the minister's--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with vivid curiosity.

"No, 'cause Brunhilde Susan thought a moth ball was a lemon drop an'

dealt with it a'cordin', an' she was too used up by the bein' up all night to even so much as overcast a plain seam; but the rest was there an' we all aired ourselves inside out, I can a.s.sure you, an' was more 'n glad as she was n't there, so we could do it, too.

"The general talk was as the minister 'd do well to quit talkin' about Heaven for a while an' come down to earth. We all know about Heaven, 'cause if you don't all you have to do is to tip back your head an'

there it is day an' night for you to look at as long as your neck don't ache, but what we don't know about is a lot of what's right around us.

Mrs. Macy says as her view would be to take the Bible for the motto an'

then apply it right to us here to-day, an' tell us how to understand what's goin' on in the world by its light. She says David an' Goliath could of been j.a.pan an' Russia with Admiral Togo for the sling shot, an'

we all felt to agree as _there_ was a idea as _no_ minister ought to mind ownin', for Mrs. Sweet told me comin' home as she never would of give Mrs. Macy credit for thinkin' nothin' out so closely as that. Every one was interested right off an' you ought to of been there to see how the idea took! Gran'ma Mullins said as she'd _always_ wanted to know what a soft-nosed bullet looked like an' how their other features felt, an' a sermon like that could n't but give us all a new understandin' of a war. Then they all got to thinkin' out the thing, an' Mrs. Sweet said as Jezabel bein' throwed to the dogs could apply to that new rule in the city as makes you have to go around with your dog's nose in a lattice an' yourself tied to the dog; she said when she went up there the other day she felt like nothin' but a fool out with her brother an' him bein'

jerked here an' there a'cordin' as the dog's feelin's moved him, an' the dog's lattice half the time over one of his two ears so he looked more drunk than sober all day. Of course we ain't got no such rules about dogs' noses here, but no one set down on Mrs. Sweet, because it showed she took an interest; Mrs. Brown said when she was done as she should think as the sun standin' still on Absalom three days could be worked up into havin' our streets lit all night, for she says when young Dr. Brown is out late, Amelia's so awful nervous she has to sit by her an' hold her hand, an' young Dr. Brown always says it takes him a good hour longer than it ought to gettin' home, on a'count o' bein' so afraid o'

runnin' into trees in the dark."

"They say--" said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.

"Yes, but you could n't make his mother believe it," said Susan; "she thinks he eats peppermint comin' home nights just because he likes to eat peppermint comin' home nights. Mothers is all like that. You know yourself how you was with Jathrop. That'd make another nice talk, about how all sons was n't prodigals, some bein' obliged by fate to be the calf instead. I must say, Mrs. Lathrop, as the more I think of this new idea the more took I am with it. The Bible would be most like a new book if we took it that way an' Sunday would be a day to look forward to all the week long, just to see what the minister was goin' to say about what next. The sewin' society was all in favor of the idea an' now if the square only takes it up with a real mother's heart I don't see why we should n't get some profit out o' keepin' a minister yet. My notion is as the minister might just as well learn to be a lesson to us as to be so dead satisfied with only bein' a trial to us. We've got trials enough, Lord knows, an' just now what with the weather an' the cleanin'

house no one wants to go to church to hear about things as they all know anyhow."

"I wonder--" said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.

"No, I would n't look for that," said Susan; "every one has their limits an' I would n't expect no man to jump over his own outside. I should n't ever look for the minister to be really equal to workin' up somethin'

real spicy as would fill the house out o' Uriah the Hitt.i.te or Abigail hangin' upside down to the tree, but I can't well see why he could n't teach us whether well water's healthy or not by quotin' from Rebecca, an' when the time comes he could surely get a real nice Thanksgivin'

text out o' John the Baptist's head on the platter."