Robin And Ruby Part 19

"So was it honestly your first time?" Cicely interrupts.

"What?"

"Last night, you and Christopher?"

"We relate to each other," Ruby offers. "That's all I'll say."

"Your soul must be as dark as his, then," Alice says. "I would not want my first time to be with Christopher. I dated him, I should know. Not to mention the size of it." She looks at Cicely and fans the air, as if cooling off a good sweat.

"You used to call it the cuc.u.mber the cuc.u.mber," Cicely says, pulling a cuc.u.mber spear from her gla.s.s and giving it an obscene shake.

"You guys, stop, please," Ruby says. How could Chris have been with Alice-okay, she's pretty, in a blond, emaciated way-but how could he have allowed her access to his body? Whatever went on between them was some other thing, unlike what she shared last night. It must must have been-Alice could not have drawn that kind of tenderness and attention from Chris. No way. have been-Alice could not have drawn that kind of tenderness and attention from Chris. No way.

"I want to know what position," Cicely says.

"I'm not talking about it-"

"Did it hurt?"

"I guess."

"You guess guess?"

"Did you bleed a lot?"

"Well..."

"No?" Alice shoots Cicely a look. "Did he put it all the way in?"

"I'm not talking about this!" Ruby stands, drink in hand, and begins to move toward the hallway. She'll find Chris and they'll just get out of here, forget about Calvin and her overnight bag, enough is enough-but someone is suddenly right there, nearly cras.h.i.+ng into her. The b.l.o.o.d.y Mary bobbles in her hand. She looks up and comes face-to-face with Dorian.

"Watch it!" Dorian says, and then, "Oh, you. you."

Ruby steps away from her, shaking tomato juice off her fingers. "I'm not looking for trouble."

Dorian stares, blinks, swallows. Her face looks drawn, mouth slack. Small crescents of white show under her irises as if her eyeb.a.l.l.s are threatening to roll back into her skull. She wears a long T-s.h.i.+rt that barely covers her panties. Her stick-like legs are splotchy, as if they've been slapped.

She steps past Ruby and joins the others at the table. "What's she doing here?"

"Dodo, be nice," Cicely says. "Ruby lost her virginity last night."

"To Christopher," Alice snarls.

Dorian stares at Ruby and then says without much inflection, "Hooray." Ruby stands frozen in the doorway, ready for anything. Dorian adds, "Are you going to the kitchen? Can you bring me something to drink? Anything. Anything with alcohol in it."

"Um, OK," Ruby says, releasing a pent-up breath. Is this a truce? She turns once again toward the kitchen-and again nearly walks into someone, a guy in a blue football jersey, who has also emerged from the sleeping wing of the house. He must be the one who was with Dorian in the bedroom. Date Rape Smurf.

He mutters, "Sorry," and keeps moving. Through the dining room, into the living room. He leans over the couch and shakes the guy sleeping there. "Get up, Woz. We're outta here like Vladimir."

Ruby carries the open vodka bottle back to the dining room table, with a few plastic cups. Dorian pours a shot and downs it. She doesn't grimace, doesn't choke. She simply breathes deeply through her nose and sits up a little straighter.

The two remaining Smurfs leave through the front door. Dorian follows them with her eyes, and then turns to Alice and Cicely and says, "Do you think I'll get VD from him?"

"He's kinda the type," Cicely says. "You didn't use a rubber?"

"Give me a percentage. Fifty percent chance?"

Ruby sits down again, remembering the press of Chris's body on hers, the latex that came off inside. How long had he been thrusting without it? How worried should she be? "Have any of you ever-have you had it happen where the rubber comes off, while the guy is still-"

"f.u.c.king you?" Dorian says.

With a kind of awe in her voice, Alice says, "That's a new one."

Cicely says, "If it came off and it was, like, full, full, then I'd be worried." then I'd be worried."

Dorian says, "Wanna come with me to the clinic? We can get our insides examined together. Female bonding. G.o.d, I do not want to have another abortion."

With each statement, Ruby feels a fissure moving up through her body, like a hairline on a thin sheet of gla.s.s, lengthening and fracturing into a delta, a web. A pain in her guts moves with it, expanding.

Alice says, "Ruby, if you're pregnant from Christopher, promise me promise me you'll get an abortion." you'll get an abortion."

"Can we change the subject?"

"It's not that bad," Cicely adds. "as long you don't think about what it really is is."

"I know how to take care of myself," she hears herself saying, though the words are muted by the increasing feeling that her body is splitting into pieces.

"That's a horrible gene pool to pa.s.s on," Alice says. "I felt dirty after he f.u.c.ked me."

Smash. Fragments splinter inside her, and then, without warning, she hears a noise escape up through her throat-a kind of moan like from an injured animal. The three girls stare at her, baffled. Fragments splinter inside her, and then, without warning, she hears a noise escape up through her throat-a kind of moan like from an injured animal. The three girls stare at her, baffled.

"Why are you all so mean to me? Why?" Her voice shakes.

"No, no, no." Cicely scurries to her and attempts a hug. "We're looking out for you. These guys are all users. I mean, they're our friends, but they're totally users, too. Only your girlfriends will look out for you."

"You're not looking out for me-"

"Here, here, here," Alice says, pouring a shot of vodka and giving it to her. "You need to numb your feelings. It's too much to handle, I understand."

Ruby takes the cup and downs the shot and it's awful, the worst taste in the world, and it stings her insides as if invading open wounds. Alice grabs Ruby's b.l.o.o.d.y Mary, plucks out the cuc.u.mber and the bell pepper and the orange wedge and the lime, and slides it over to her, and Ruby, sniffling, just drinks the whole thing down, coughing wetly when she's done. Her nose is runny, she's a mess all over again, leaking.

"I admit, I was a b.i.t.c.h," Dorian says. "But I don't believe you, that you're a virgin. That you were. I'm sorry, I just don't."

"What does it matter to you?" Ruby sniffs. "What if I wasn't?"

"I'm just an honest person," Dorian says. "I promote honesty."

"You weren't?" Alice says to Ruby.

"What?"

"That's why you didn't bleed."

Ruby stands up and pushes back from the table. "Not everyone bleeds." That's true, isn't it? She's heard that, hasn't she?

They keep talking, Alice, Dorian, and Cicely, about penetration and bleeding and virginity, about her and her night with Christopher, but she can hardly hear them beneath the noise emanating from deep inside her, a humming vibration, a kind of aftershock that is both sound and sensation moving along her nerves. Something's happening to me, she thinks, and then she looks up and sees that Chris is standing in the doorway.

He looks at her and says, "You weren't?"

"What?" She can barely register his presence. How long has he been there? What has he heard?

"Last night wasn't your first time?"

"I didn't say that."

"So you were? Or you weren't?"

"Why does it matter?"

Dorian says, "I knew it."

There's something wrong with him, she can see it in his eyes, but she can't put her finger on it, and then Benjamin walks in and he looks absolutely crazed, his mouth flapping, teeth grinding, and she realizes that they were doing c.o.ke together.

Ruby shoves Chris out of the way and runs down the dark hallway. Where's the bathroom, where is it? She tries a door-it's a closet-then another. Someone is coming up from behind her, maybe it's Chris-no, it's Cicely, who follows her into the bathroom.

"Leave me alone," Ruby says, and then a wave rises up inside her, all the churning water beneath that cracked icy surface, it's rising up like an ocean wave. She snaps up the toilet lid, leans forward, and out comes a wash of tomato-red vomit.

She hears the door close, and then feels Cicely pulling her hair off her face, and she's grateful, so grateful for this small kindness, as another wave lets loose, and then another, her body rejecting the pressure she has subjected it to. Releasing the poison. It's as though her entire being has fallen into pieces, and everything old and ugly is forcing its way out.

Robin follows Calvin toward a cl.u.s.ter of three shabby houses, the rundown rentals on the block. The nearest one has a few longhaired boys hanging out in front on lawn chairs, gla.s.sy-eyed dudes in baggy shorts and tie-dye s.h.i.+rts, staring at the street as if waiting for something to appear. Does anyone still wear tie-dye? Then he sees that one of the s.h.i.+rts features a Grateful Dead logo on it, and it all makes sense. One of them raises his hand, less a wave than a signal. He pulls himself from the chair and ambles over, zeroing in on George and addressing him with, "Hey, brother. What's doing with you?"

George takes a step backward, checking the guy out. He's got a few blond dreads pulled back with a rubber band, and long stick arms and legs poking out of torn-up Army-issue shorts. The guy s.h.i.+fts his weight from foot to foot as he talks and swings his limbs like a rag doll shaken by the wind. "Brother, just wondering if you might know how to set us up with some ganja?"

"What are you," George asks, "a cop?"

The guy huffs out some surprised laughter. "Most definitely not."

"But you think I'm a dealer?"

"Naw, man. It's not like that. Just looking for some kind bud." He gestures toward his buddies. "We've got lots of brew, if you wanna swap."

The guy is sort of cute in a sloppy, dirtbag way, the kind of kid you see playing hacky sack outside the dorms, eating breakfast in the middle of the afternoon, sleeping in lecture hall. Robin knows a few of them from the drama department who build sets and work on the lighting board, wealthy white boys with dreads. Trustafarians. They're harmless. But the look in George's eyes is neither amused nor familiar. His gaze hardens and he pushes ahead, telling Calvin, "Come on."

The Deadhead calls after them, "No sweat, man. Have an excellent day."

Robin can see the tension in George's shoulders and back, his entire torso defensively coiling into itself. A pang of protectiveness. .h.i.ts him. He's dragged George into this mess, through this long day of insults, where everyone is projecting something on to him.

On the front porch of the next house, a guy, not wearing a s.h.i.+rt, sits astride a beer keg, talking on the phone. His shoulder is bruised, a yellowy purple blotch on alabaster skin. There's something s.e.xy about this. The boy gives Calvin a nod of recognition, and mutters into the phone, "Calvin just brought over more f.u.c.kin' people and s.h.i.+t."

They have to step over the cord to get into the house. Following Calvin through the screen door, Robin feels a rush of something uncomfortable crash over him, a blindsiding wave. It could be fear, it could be sorrow, it could simply be a sense of being overcome by the unknown, but it has everything to do with trying, and failing, to connect his sister to this derelict place, which smells like spilled beer and spoiled food and looks like it's been vandalized by thieves. When he calls the cops, they're going to take one look around and want to arrest someone.

A tall, twitchy blond girl approaches them, her hands wrapped in yellow rubber gloves. "We found her, we found her."

"You found Ruby?" Calvin asks, and the girl, who must be his sister, nods.

"Is she OK?" Robin asks.

"She's in the bathroom."

"Where? Let me see her."

"Alice, this is Ruby's brother," Calvin says.

Alice covers her mouth with one yellow paw. She looks away from Robin and shakes her head as if she doesn't want to say anything more.

Another guy, with c.o.ked-out eyes and finger-in-the-socket hair, steps up alongside her. "So you're the notorious gay brother."

"Excuse me?" he says.

The guy turns to George, who stands behind Robin, his arms crossed, legs firmly planted, and asks, "And who are you?"

Calvin answers quickly, "This is George. He's the brains of the operation."

"Actually," George says, "I'm the muscle."

"So Calvin brought the A-Team?"

"What'd you just say?" Robin asks, feeling his patience stretched-for George's sake, as much as his own-feeling himself ready to snap if someone doesn't direct him to his sister.

"Hey, Frizzy," George says, taking an intimidating step forward. "Pipe down."

"A joke. Can't anyone take a joke?"

Robin says, "They always call it a joke after they insult you."

This guy rolls his eyes, muttering what sounds like "Eat my shorts," to which Calvin says, "Come on, Benjamin. Don't start anything."

Robin lets out a slow breath. He'd been wondering, for a single sickening moment, if this guy was the mysterious Chris.

Alice remains in front of them, shaking. She points toward the back of the house, saying, "Bathroom," and adding, "I am so, so sorry."

"Why? What happened?" Robin asks.

Alice sticks a finger in her mouth.

Robin marches past a dining table, where a skinny girl is pulling an oversized T-s.h.i.+rt over her knees as if made modest under Robin's glare, and frizzy-haired Benjamin nibbles on a fingernail as if he might chew it clean off. Like the bruised boy they pa.s.sed on the front porch, these two might be good-looking if they weren't so sleep-deprived and haggard. Everyone here looks older than they are, as if they're already ruined by life.