Assholeology. Part 1

a.s.sholeology.

Green, Steven B.

Dedication.

This book is dedicated to all the budding a.s.sholes out there who have yet to realize how important they are to society. You make the world go round, a.s.shole. Now read this book and get out there and a.s.shole it up.

Acknowledgments.

A book of such dignity and scope doesn't happen by accident, it happens by many accidents, and because of the help and devotion of many people.

Thanks to Grace Freedson, our agent, for getting us this plumb a.s.signment.

Thanks to our wives, Dianne and Jeanne, for putting up with all of our a.s.shole tendencies. (We're not stupid.) And thanks to all of our a.s.shole teachers, mentors, and role models: You know who you a.s.sholes are.

-Steven and Dennis.

Disclaimer.

You were the one who picked up the book. So you should have an idea as to what you're in for. Being an a.s.shole has its benefits, but it also has its drawbacks. You will be called out. You will be confronted. So you will need to man up. We're here to help you become an a.s.shole, not to hear you complain about how hard it is. If you don't think you're up for the challenge, don't bother.

Becoming an a.s.shole is a lifestyle choice. Your friends and family have to deal with the change. And you have to deal with the consequences-the good and the bad. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Preface.

a.s.sholeology is more than a science. It's an art form. Lucky for you, inside these pages you'll find a crash course in how to excel at adapting to this lifestyle. It will transform you in a way you couldn't even begin to imagine. So rather than limit ourselves to your limited imagination, let's take a look at Kevin. . . .

Kevin is the CEO and owner of a mid-sized company. Kevin went to a good college, an amazing grad school, got his MBA, and after his schooling, he went to work for the company founded by his mother and father. He started in middle management, but, in a very short time, took hold of the daily operations of the entire organization.

He has a good life, a beautiful wife, a gorgeous new house, and two adorable kids. Kevin has a few close friends but a BlackBerry full of contacts and connections. His coworkers and employees think he is a decent boss, but can be kind of a p.r.i.c.k in certain situations. He is doing incredibly well for a man of his young age.

There is just something about Kevin that makes him a success. He gives off an aura of confidence that borders on arrogance. He appears more attractive by the way he carries himself in public. He makes an immediate impression on strangers. Some people like him. Some people hate him. Everyone remembers him.

Kevin is an a.s.shole. He does what he wants, when he wants, and makes no apologies or excuses. He doesn't care. It's why his wife married him, why his family let him take over the business, why his employees tolerate his actions, why his friends keep hanging around, and why he is so well connected. Everyone lets it all slide.

Kevin wasn't always this way, though. During college, he was the quiet one in his group of friends. He just went with the flow. Didn't have much luck with women. Wasn't ever really noticed. Until he started working at his parent's company and watching his dad in action. That man could control a room-even beyond the boardroom. When Kevin went out to a restaurant or bar with his dad, everyone wanted to listen to his stories. Everyone wanted to be around him. He was honest, confident, said what was on his mind, and took all the love and hate in stride. In short, he was an a.s.shole. So Kevin worked at mastering the art of a.s.sholeology. And lucky for him he succeeded.

Why? Pretty simple. a.s.sholes rule the world.

Read on to learn how you can rule, too.

Part I.

Defining the a.s.shole.

Chapter 1.

What Makes an a.s.shole?

Man, she's gorgeous. She came with a small group of friends, but as far as attached goes, she appears single and available. You rarely approach women in bars, but maybe this time . . . oh, man . . . who the h.e.l.l is that? It's that guy from the line out front. Well, technically, he walked past the line and right inside the bar without even getting off his cell phone. He also got the bartender's attention in a second while you leaned against the bar for ten minutes with your finger in the air, basically begging for service. Why is she talking to him? Does he know her? Are they leaving together? Son of a b.i.t.c.h! What an a.s.shole.

a.s.sholes come in all shapes and sizes. They originate from every background, region, race, and religion. They surround you. There are a.s.sholes in your family, in your fantasy football league, and living in the apartment above you (and not just because you keep yelling, "Stop jumping around, a.s.shole!" every night before bed).

You encounter numerous a.s.sholes on the average day. Think of the a.s.s-kisser at work that gets b.u.mped up in rank every year even though he is less productive around the office than the armless night janitor. He does little to earn the cushy corner digs and company rank on his business card, yet he is somehow in on every important meeting, every power lunch, and is the first to get invited to every office happy hour. Ponder the Facebook friend that posts pictures of his amazing weekend excursions to places in the world that you couldn't point out on a map or even spell correctly to Google search. He takes vacations and trips he doesn't deserve by mooching off friends, coworkers, and anyone with an empty couch. He never once returns the favor, yet people never seem to mind. Take notice of the guy at the gym who finds a way to flirt, pump, and dump every woman in the evening spin cla.s.s and still come off looking like a real swell fella. Three prime examples of genuine, 100-percent a.s.shole.

Guess what? Good for them. a.s.sholes have the system beat. They've mastered the art of doing little work, having fun, and getting laid even though the general consensus is that they are total jerks. They have learned to work with the skills they were given and manipulate them to their greatest potential.

a.s.sholes have the system beat.

Ponder this: If a.s.sholes are so despised, then why do women still want to be with them and men still want to be like them? Why are books, movies, and television shows about a.s.sholes so popular? Why do a.s.sholes get noticed in every public situation while guys like you could run through a crowded bar with your pants on fire and not get a drink in the crotch from a good-looking woman or a tackle and pat down from another guy? Simple: You don't stand out. Besides your pants being on fire, you are no different than any other face in the crowd. You are the nice guy no one remembers five minutes after meeting. a.s.sholes are never forgotten.

Why Be an a.s.shole?

After reading that scenario, the first question that probably popped into your head was, "How did my pants catch fire?" The second (and more relevant) question you probably asked yourself was, "But why would I want to be an a.s.shole?" To better explain the why, let's clear up a misconception about a.s.sholes. a.s.sholes are not douche bags; there are a.s.sholes and then there are douche bags, and there is a world of difference between the two: a.s.sholes are never forgotten.

a.s.sholes The guy at the bar, the jerk at work, the social-networking schmuck, the spin cla.s.s spinner-those are all prime examples of real a.s.sholes. Everything an a.s.shole does is focused on a positive result. They let the ends justify the means. They think their actions through and usually aren't careless or clueless. Sure, some people get burned by the a.s.shole's actions, but as the saying goes, you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. However, for all the c.r.a.p a.s.sholes pull, they still manage to come off as genuinely likable people. In truth, an a.s.shole is actually a decent person with the innate ability to turn on their a.s.shole charm in the correct situation. For example, the guy at the bar knows that coming off as c.o.c.ky, confident, and a bit of a jerk will get him into the bar with a drink in his hand and saddled up to a gorgeous woman faster than being a nice guy. But he wouldn't act the same way in the post office or supermarket. Unless he is fighting for the last case of Red Bull-then all bets are off.

Douche Bags Douche bags are much different than a.s.sholes. Douche bags are destructive; they don't think twice about their actions or the ramifications of said actions. A douche bag only thinks of one person: himself. Douche bags will lie, cheat, steal, and cut corners to get exactly what they want out of every situation. No one likes a douche bag, not even his mom.

No one likes a douche bag,

not even his mom.

To help make the distinction between a.s.sholes and douche bags, let's examine some timeless a.s.sholes and give an example of a corresponding douche bag. The following a.s.sholes are perfect examples of the successful, powerful, and pioneering a.s.shole. These a.s.sholes are trailblazers and specimens to be studied, revered, and emulated. The other guys are just plain douche bags.

a.s.sHOLE.

Denis Leary-Seems like a no-brainer, especially since he's written a song called "a.s.shole." Leary used his angry and bitter a.s.shole persona to make a name in stand-up comedy and later in television. Because of his likeability-built up by doing things like raising more than $2 million to help fund fire departments through his Leary Firefighters Foundation-he can get away with being an a.s.shole. One well-publicized a.s.shole move came from a claim in his book Why We Suck that the rise in autism diagnoses was due to inattentive parents wanting an explanation for why their dumb-a.s.s kids can't compete academically. Still, you gotta love the guy. He's an a.s.shole you'd want to grab a pint and watch the ballgame with.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them."-Denis Leary DOUCHE BAG.

Don Imus-You can be an a.s.shole and say mean things about people as long as you're well liked and funny. The "I-man" is obviously neither. His racist comments about the Rutgers women's basketball team were offensive to the women involved, but also to anyone who calls comedy their profession. If you are going to get fired from your job and publicly raked over the coals at least make the joke funny. It wasn't even accurate or original. It was just a stab at humor by a bitter old douche bag who was always just a poor imitation of more successful radio shock jocks. His cowboy hats-now those are f.u.c.king funny.

a.s.sHOLE.

Barney Stinson-Fictional, yes, but he could be the perfect example of a genuine and likable a.s.shole. He is a c.o.c.ky, conceited, borderline alcoholic, womanizing liar, so all in all a pretty fun dude to be around. Stinson lives life by an unwritten set of rules called "The Bro Code," which provide justification for his actions. As sc.u.mmy as he seems, people still like him. He has a strong inner circle of pals, even though he slept with one of his female friends who was the ex-girlfriend of his best friend. Barney is the quintessential a.s.shole.

DOUCHE BAG.

Spencer Pratt-Pratt is ushering in a new breed of douche bag that become famous just for being douche bags. With little talent and less brains, he and his wife, Heidi Montag, have become two of the most recognized faces in pop culture. He did it by playing up his ultimate douche-bag image whenever the reality cameras were rolling. Is he really that big of a p.r.i.c.k or is it all just a clever marketing scheme? Hard to tell. Either way, he is a douche bag for pulling it off so convincingly.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose."-Bill Gates a.s.sHOLE.

Bill Gates-Gates captured the public's attention as a Revenge of the Nerds-type a.s.shole CEO in the late '80s. Gates's reputation for annihilating underlings' ideas and egos in staff meetings is legendary. He was able to focus his a.s.shole tendencies and inspire his employees to ride the success of DOS-an operating system invented by someone else-into the creation of the most successful software company in history. You can't get a personal computer to work without Windows. (This is under the a.s.sumption you can actually get Windows to work.) Gates ushered in the Internet revolution and changed the way people live and work. He may have been an industry thief and a p.r.i.c.k boss, but who wouldn't want to rub elbows with Gates or at least crash at his house for a weekend?

DOUCHE BAG.

DOUCHE Donald Trump-"The Donald" is not the richest, the smartest, or the most successful businessman of all time, but the man knew enough about marketing to make his name a brand: Trump Tower, Trump Casino, Trump International Golf Course. And he shamelessly plugs his many ventures any chance he gets on his television show The Apprentice. h.e.l.l, he even got people to automatically add a "the" in front of his first name for effect. It's crystal clear that this guy's a fluffy-haired douche bag, though not as clear as Trump-brand water. He is the only douche that needs to be fired.

BOUGHT WITH THE DONALD'S DOLLARS Casino Golf course Blazin' third wife Cla.s.s THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"Everything negative-pressure, challenges-is all an opportunity for me to rise."-Kobe Bryant a.s.sHOLE.

Kobe Bryant-Always the overachieving a.s.shole, Bryant skipped over the amateur circuit known as college basketball and headed straight for the NBA after high school. He's nicknamed after a dangerous and feared snake, the black mamba, which strikes quickly and is the fastest land snake in the world. Detractors feel the nickname is also fitting because Bryant is a snake in the gra.s.s that paid his way out of a rape accusation and claimed former teammate Shaquille O'Neal once did the same thing. But Bryant always seems to slither out on top. He is a four-time NBA champion, future Hall of Famer, and one of the best to ever play the game. He is an a.s.shole that anyone would love to have on their team. Just get a separate hotel room on road trips.

DOUCHE BAG.

Barry Bonds-Imagine being considered one of the best athletes in your respective sport. A certified star who would go down in the record books as perhaps one of the greatest to ever set foot on the field. Now think about being such a giant douche bag that all of that isn't good enough, so you (allegedly) take human growth hormone, experience a career rejuvenation past your prime, and smash the records of some of the most beloved names in your sport, your legend getting almost as large as your newly enlarged noggin. Barry Bonds changed the way the public will forever view successful, and drug-free, baseball players. Guilty until proven innocent. All thanks to one big egotistical douche bag. Even Barry Bonds would hate playing with Barry Bonds.

As you can see, a.s.sholes are successful, well connected, take what they want in life, and have the system by the pocket nuggets. But now you're probably saying that all these guys are famous and that's why they can get away with being a.s.sholes. Why would you want to be an a.s.shole?

Take a minute for a quick exercise: Close your eyes. Name the first a.s.shole that comes to mind. It didn't take long did it? In fact, you thought of at least three in just that short time. Are they well liked? Do they get what they want? Now ask yourself, if it were possible, if you would like to be able to do that. Would you switch places if you could? You are allowed to say yes. It's the correct answer. Get something right for once.

a.s.sholes are successful, well

connected, take what they

want in life, and have the

system by the pocket

nuggets.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be an a.s.shole. a.s.sholes are always surrounded by a solid group of people; the ying to their giant, egotistical yang. They have a certain likeability that makes people want to be around them. They are never left out of the crowd. Every party, event, and function-the a.s.shole isn't just in attendance, he's the first to get invited. It's usually you who is left standing on the outside and wanting so desperately to be let in.

Have What It Takes?

Not everyone can be an a.s.shole. This is good; the last thing the world needs is to be chock full of a.s.sholes. Somebody has to be the nice guy. Someone needs to fill the role of guy that gets stepped on by the a.s.sholes climbing to the top. Someone has to run around the bar with their cotton Dockers on fire because, frankly, there is nothing an a.s.shole likes better than a good laugh at the expense of others. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you think you can't handle being an a.s.shole. Enjoy your mediocre life of going to bed by 10:00 p.m. on the weekdays and talking yourself into starting that model-car blog. Send us the URL when it's up and running. Do you have our e-mail? No? Cool.

You will have to take every

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