Soldiers Three Volume I Part 25

_Interval, filled by the noise as of one splas.h.i.+ng in the bath-room_.

CAPT. G. (_Emerging from dressing-room_.) What time is it?

CAPT. M. Nearly eleven.

CAPT. G. Five hours more. O Lord!

CAPT. M. (_Aside_.) 'First sign of funk, that. 'Wonder if it's going to spread. (Aloud.) Come along to breakfast.

CAPT. G. I can't eat anything. I don't want any breakfast.

CAPT. M. (_Aside_.) So early! (_Aloud_.) Captain Gadsby, I _order_ you to eat breakfast, and a dashed good breakfast, too. None of your bridal airs and graces with me!

Leads G. _downstairs, and stands over him while he eats two chops_.

CAPT. G. (_Who has looked at his watch thrice in the last five minutes_.) What time is it?

CAPT. M. Time to come for a walk. Light up.

CAPT. G. I haven't smoked for ten days, and I won't _now_. (_Takes cheroot which M. has cut for him, and blows smoke through his nose luxuriously_.) We aren't going down the Mall, are we?

CAPT. M. (_Aside_.) They're all alike in these stages. (_Aloud_.) No, my Vestal. We're going along the quietest road we can find.

CAPT. G. Any chance of seeing Her?

CAPT. M. Innocent! No! Come along, and, if you want me for the final obsequies, don't cut my eye out with your stick.

CAPT. G. (_Spinning round_.) I say, isn't She the dearest creature that ever walked? What's the time? What comes after 'wilt thou take this woman'?

CAPT. M, You go for the ring. R'clect it'll be on the top of my right-hand little ringer, and just be careful how you draw it off, because I shall have the Verger's fees somewhere in my glove.

CAPT. G. (_Walking forward hastily_.) D---the Verger! Come along! It's past twelve and I haven't seen Her since yesterday evening. (Spinning round again.) She's an absolute angel, Jack, and She's a dashed deal too good for me. Look here, does She come up the aisle on my arm, or how?

CAPT. M. If I thought that there was the least chance of your remembering anything for two consecutive minutes, I'd tell you. Stop pa.s.saging about like that!

CAPT. G. (_Halting in the middle of the road_.) I say, Jack.

CAPT. M. Keep quiet for another ten minutes if you can, you lunatic; and _walk!_

_The two tramp at five miles an hour for fifteen minutes_.

CAPT. G. What's the time? How about that cursed wedding-cake and the slippers? They don't throw 'em about in church, do they?

CAPT. M. In-variably. The Padre leads off with his boots.

CAPT. G. Confound your silly soul! Don't make fun of me. I can't stand it, and I won't!

CAPT. M. (_Untroubled_.) So-ooo, old horse! You'll have to sleep for a couple of hours this afternoon.

CAPT. G. (_Spinning round_) I'm _not_ going to be treated like a dashed child. Understand that!

CAPT. M. (_Aside_) Nerves gone to fiddle-strings. What a day we're having! (_Tenderly putting his hand on G's. shoulder_) My David, how long have you known this Jonathan? Would I come up here to make a fool of you-after all these years?

CAPT. G. (_Penitently_.) I know, I know, Jack--but I'm as upset as I can be. Don't mind what I say. Just hear me run through the drill and see if I've got it all right:---

'To have and to hold for better or worse, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, so help me G.o.d. Amen.'

CAPT. M. (_Suffocating with suppressed laughter_) Yes. That's about the gist of it. I'll prompt if you get into a hat.

CAPT. G. (_Earnestly_) Yes, you'll stick by me, Jack, won't you? I'm awf'ly happy, but I don't mind telling YOU that I'm in a blue funk!

CAPT. M. (_Gravely_) Are you? I should never have noticed it. You don't LOOK like it.

CAPT. G. Don't I? That's all right. (_Spinning round_.) On my soul and honour, Jack, She's the sweetest little angel that ever came down from the sky. There isn't a woman on earth fit to speak to Her.

CAPT. M. (_Aside_.) And this is old Gaddy! (_Aloud_.) Go on if it relieves you.

CAPT. G. You can laugh! That's all you wild a.s.ses of bachelors are fit for.

CAPT. M. (_Drawling_.) You never WOULD wait for the troop to come up.

You aren't quite married yet, y' know.

CAPT. G. Ugh! That reminds me. I don't believe I shall be able to get into my boots. Let's go home and try 'em on! (_Hurries forward_.)

CAPT. M. 'Wouldn't be in _your_ shoes for anything that Asia has to offer.

CAPT. G. (_Spinning round_.) That just shows your hideous blackness of soul-your dense stupidity-your brutal narrow-mindedness. There's only one fault about you. You're the best of good fellows, and I don't know what I should have done without you, but-you aren't married. (_Wags his head gravely_.) Take a wife, Jack.

CAPT. M. (_With a face like a wall_.) Ya-as. Whose for choice?

CAPT. G. If you're going to be a blackguard, I'm going on--What's the time?

CAPT. M. (_Hums_.)---

'An' since 'twas very clear we drank only ginger-beer, Faith, there must ha'been some stingo in the ginger.'

Come back, you maniac. I'm going to take you home, and you're going to lie down.

CAPT. G. What on earth do I want to lie down for?

CAPT. M. Give me a light from your cheroot and see.

CAPT. G. (_Watching cheroot-b.u.t.t quiver like a tuning-fork_.) Sweet state I'm in!

CAPT. M. You are. I'll get you a peg and you'll go to sleep.

_They return and M. compounds a four-finger peg_.