The Lighter Side of School Life Part 15

Young brothers may be impressed with daredevil tales of masters put to rout and prefects "ragged" to death.

The appended _dossier_ furnishes a fairly comprehensive specimen of the art. It is ent.i.tled:

THE BIRTHDAY

_Correspondence addressed to Master E. b.u.mpleigh, Mr. Killick's House, Grandwich School_

No. I

MESSRS. b.u.mPLEIGH & SITWELL, LTD., 220B CORNHILL, _Telegrams_: "b.u.mPSIT, LONDON."

_November 6, 19--._

MY DEAR EGBERT,--Your mother informs me that to-morrow, the 7th inst., is your fifteenth birthday. I therefore take this opportunity of combining my customary greetings with a few observations on your half-term report, which has just reached me.

It is a most deplorable doc.u.ment. With the exception of your health (which is described as "excellent"), and your violin-playing (which I note is "most energetic"), I can find no cause for congratulation or even satisfaction in your record for the past half-term. Indeed, were it not for the existence of the deep-seated conspiracy (of which you have so frequently and so earnestly warned me) among the masters at your school, to deprive you of your just marks and so prevent you from taking your rightful place at the head of the form, I should almost suspect you of idling.

I enclose ten s.h.i.+llings as a birthday gift. If you could contrive during the next half-term to overcome the unfortunate prejudice with which the Grandwich staff appears to be inspired against you, I might see my way to doing something rather more handsome at Christmas.-- Your affectionate father, JOHN HENRY b.u.mPLEIGH.

(_Reply._

_November 7._

MY DEAR FATHER,--Thanks awfully for the ten bob. Yes, it is most deplorable as you say about my report. I feel it very much. It is a rum thing that I should have come out bottom, for I have been working fearfully hard lately. I expect a mistake has been made in adding up the marks. You see, they are all sent in to the form-master at half-term, and he, being a cla.s.sical man, naturally can't do mathematics a bit, so he adds up the marks all anyhow, and practically anybody comes out top. It is very disheartening. I think it would be better if I went on the Modern Side next term.

The masters there are just as ignerant and unfair as on the cla.s.sical, but not being cla.s.sical men they do know something about adding up marks. So if I went I might get justice done me. I must now stop, as I have several hours more prep. to do, and I want to go and ask Mr. Killick for leave to work on after bed-time.--Your affec. son, E. b.u.mPLEIGH.)

No. II

THE LIMES, WALLOW-IN-THE-WEALD, SURREY, _Monday_.

MY DEAREST BOY,--Very many happy returns of your birthday. The others (_Genealogical Tree omitted here_) ... send their best love.

I fear your father is not quite pleased with your half-term report.

It seems a pity you cannot get higher up in your form, but I am sure you _try_, my boy. I don't think Father makes quite enough allowance for your _health_. With your weak digestion, long hours of sedentary work must be very trying at times. Ask the matron ...

(_one page omitted_). I enclose ten s.h.i.+llings, and will send you the almond cake and potted lobster you ask for.--Your affectionate mother, MARTHA b.u.mPLEIGH.

(_Reply._

_November 7._

DEAR MUM,--Thanks ever so much for the ten bob, also the lobster and cake, which are A1. Yes, the pater wrote to me about my report--rather a harsh letter, I thought. Still, we must make allowances for him. When he was young education was a very simple matter. Now it is the limit. My digestion is all right, thanks, but my head aches terribly towards the end of a long day of seven or eight hours' work. Don't mention this to the pater, as it might worry him. I shall work on to the end, but if the strain gets too much it might be a sound plan for me to go on the Modern Side next term. You might mention this ca.s.sualy to the pater. I must stop now, as the prayer-bell is ringing.--Your affec. son, E. b.u.mPLEIGH.)

No. III

THE LIMES, WALLOW-IN-THE-WEALD, SURREY, _Aujourd'hui_.

DEAR EGGIE,--Many happy returns. I have spent all my dress allowance, so I can't do much in the way of a present, I'm afraid; but I send a P.O. for 2_s._ 6_d._ You got a pretty bad half-term report, my dear. Breakfast that morning _was_ a cheery meal. I got hold of it afterwards and read it, and certainly you seem to have been getting into hot water all round. By the way, I see you have got some new masters at Grandwich, judging by the initials on your report. I know "V. K." and "O. P. H.": they are Killick and Higginson, aren't they? But who are "A. C. N." and "M. P. G."?--Your affec. sister, BARBARA.

(_Reply._

_November, 7._

DEAR BABS,--Thanks ever so much for the 2_s._ 6_d._ It is most welcome, as the pater only sent ten bob, being s.h.i.+rty about my report; and the mater another. Still, I haven't heard from Aunt Deborah yet: she usually comes down hansom on my birthday. The new masters you mean are A. C. Newton and M. P. Gainford. I don't think either of them would take very kindly to you. Newton is an International, so he won't have much use for girls. Gainford is rather a snipe, and has been married for years and years. But I'll tell you if any more new ones come. I am making a last effort to get on to the Mods. next term--about fed up with Higgie.--Your affec. brother, E. b.u.mPLEIGH.)

No. IV

THE SCHOOL HOUSE, OAKSHOTT SCHOOL, BUCKS, _Monday_.

DEAR EGGSTER,--Well, old sport, how goes it? Just remembered it is your birthday, so send you 9_d._ in stamps--all I have but 2_d._ How is your mangy school? Wait till our XV plays you on the 18th!

What ho!--Your affec. brother, J. b.u.mPLEIGH.

Just had a letter from the pater about my half-term report. He seems in a fairly rotten state.

(_Reply._

_November 7._

DEAR MOPPY,--Thanks awfully for the 9_d._ I am about broke, owing to my half-term report coinsiding with my birthday. Putrid luck, I call it. Still, Aunt Deborah hasn't weighed in yet. All right, send along your bandy-legged XV, and we will return them to you knock-kneed. I must stop now, as we are going to rag a man's study for wearing a d.i.c.key.--Your affec. brother, E. b.u.mPLEIGH.)

No. V

THE LABURNUMS, SURBITON, _Monday, Nov. 6._

MY DEAR NEPHEW,--Another year has gone by, and once more I am reminded that my little G.o.dson is growing up to man's estate. Your fifteenth birthday! And I remember when you were only--(_Here Master Egbert skips three sheets and comes to the last page of the letter_) ... I am sending you a birthday present--something of greater value than usual. It is a handsome and costly edition of _Forty Years of Missionary Endeavour in Eastern Polynesia_, recently published. The author has actually signed his name upon the fly-leaf for you. Think of that! The ill.u.s.trations are by an a.s.sociate of the Royal Academy. I hope you are well, and pursuing your studies diligently.--Your affectionate aunt, DEBORAH SITWELL.

(_Reply._

_November 7._

DEAR AUNT DEBORAH,--Thank you very much for so kindly remembering my birthday. The book has just arrived, and I shall always look upon it as one of my most valued possessions. I will read it constantly--whenever I have time, in fact; but really after being in school hard at work for ten or twelve hours a day, one is more inclined for bed than books, even one on such an absorbing subject as this. I am much interested in Missionary Endeavours, and help them in every way I can. We are having a sermon on the subject next Sunday. There is to be a collection, and I intend to make a special effort.--Your affec. nephew, E. b.u.mPLEIGH.)

Extract from the Catalogue of the Killickite House Library, Grandwich School:

_"Forty Years of Missionary Endeavour in Eastern Polynesia._ Presented by E. b.u.mpleigh, Nov. 8."

CHAPTER EIGHT