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The young man lay dying on the field of battle. "Tell them I am proud to have died for my glorious country!" he breathed to the comrade who bent beside him.
They printed the young man's n.o.ble last words in all the leading papers of the country, conspicuously, where all the nation might see and read and therefrom take pride and inspiration, right next to the cartoons of the Katzenjammer Kids.
XLVIII
THE LOVER
"Three brilliant men are my suitors," said the beautiful young woman.
"And I would marry the one who loves me most. Tell me how I may know that one."
"Pick the one who, when he is with you, is the most stupid," replied her old nurse.
XLIX
THE PUBLIC
The hurdy-gurdy man's monkey, cap in hand, clambered to the sill of the mediocre artist's window. And the mediocre artist tossed into his cap a peanut. The monkey, putting the peanut in his mouth, swallowed it, and grinned.
The hurdy-gurdy man's monkey, cap in hand, clambered to the neighbouring sill of the great artist's window. And the great artist tossed into his cap a sou. The monkey, putting the sou in his mouth, swallowed it, and grinned. But presently a great discomfort inst.i.tuted itself in the monkey's abdomen. Whereupon the monkey immediately concluded that the sou was a counterfeit.
L
THE SCHOLAR
The scholar laid in solemn reverence a wreath upon the tomb of Beethoven.
"I place this wreath not upon the tomb of Beethoven," he exclaimed, "but upon the grave of music."
But no one heard what he said, because the robins were singing too loudly.
LI
GROTESQUERIE
The small boy's ambition was to grow up and be an iceman.
The small boy grew up and became a famous vaudeville clog dancer.
The great man now often thinks back and smiles to himself at the grotesque absurdity of a small boy's idea of a career.
LII
CONTRETEMPS
An artist, wandering along the highway of a city, with his eyes on the stars, tripped over something, fell and was crippled.
It was a purse of gold.
LIII
DRAMATIC CRITICISM
Two gentlemen of the a.s.sizes met one evening upon the highway with a dog. The dog, a friendly creature, barked amiably at the gentlemen, whereupon the twain smiled and bent to pat the dog. Stooping thus, one of the gentlemen issued suddenly a cry of alarm.
"Fie!" he cried to his colleague, "I see upon the creature's hide a flea!"
The other adjusted his gla.s.s and scrutinized the beast closely.
"That," he observed, with the mien of one not to be contradicted, "that, sir, is not a flea. That is a louse!"
LIV
NEPENTHE
"I think I'll take a few drinks to make me forget my troubles," said the poor man.
The drinks made the poor man forget his troubles and filled him instead with delightful visions of sunny lands and blue skies and red poppies and fair women and languorous luxury.
And the poor man, now unhappier than before, had to expend his last three sous for spirits of ammonia wherewith to recapture the nepenthe of his first troubles.
