The Unforseen Return Part 2

Edward: Well said. My friend isn't the type to let you put a bridle on him.

Roger: But here is the Squire who comes to see you. I am going to see if everything is ready for your supper.

(Exit Roger to the house)

Squire: (entering from the street) Your servant, my friend. Ah, ladies, I am delighted to see you. You are waiting for me and that's very proper. I am the very soul of your parties, I admit. The premier mover in your pleasures, I know it.

Where are we now? Is the supper ready? Are we getting married? Shall we abandon ourselves to wine? Come on, bring on the gaiety--I've never been in such a mood, in such spirits--I defy you to bore me.

Clarissa: Truly, Squire, you were wise to wait.

Lucy: It would be silly if a Squire were the first to come! One would think he had nothing to do.

Squire: I a.s.sure you ladies that my coach cannot fly faster. It's less than three quarters of an hour since I left Saint James. You know I usually use arabian horses. There are simply no better horses for a quick rendezvous.

Edward: What affair is so pressing?

Squire: If we didn't have flying carriages like that we'd miss half our opportunities.

Melinda: And since when, Squire, are you mixed up with going to court? It seems that you ordinarily stay at Oxford.

Squire: Well, what of it, my dear.

(To Edward) Here you are awash in pleasure--you swim in delights. You know the interest that I take in all that concerns you. What happiness when two well tested hearts approach the long awaited moment--there one sees the ending of--a novel. This is a great day for you.

Edward: I feel my happiness in all this talk.

(To Squire) But tell me, I beg you, have you been, as you promised, to the jeweler for the diamonds?

Squire: (to Clarissa) And you pretty cousin, what is it? Your heart says nothing to you? The example should encourage you--don't you wish, in marrying, to pay your debts to love and nature? It is terrible to be useless in this world.

Clarissa: I am not bored yet with my virginity.

Squire: Whenever you please we will take the same momentous step--hearts united. I am made for the ladies, and, in all modesty, the ladies are made for me. May I be d.a.m.ned if you are not to my taste. I am ready to love you one day to the point of adoration--to the point of madness!

But not to the point of marriage. I like amours without consequences-- you understand me, I'm sure?

Lucy: Truly, this speech is so plain it needs no commentary. What! Squire!

For shame!

Squire: You can't know how much this little fellow shames me. It is true this little bourgeois hasn't an equal, and that I treat him like family, introduce him into society, teach him to gamble, educate his taste in manners, furniture, and horses. I lead him a little astray--but these little gentlemen are not very happy unless one inspires them with the manners of the court and they learn to ruin themselves in two or three years.

Lucy: Have you many scholars?

Squire: Where is Roger? I don't see him here. He's a pretty fellow. I love him. I find him admirable as a trickster, to keep off creditors, to calm usurers, to persuade and pacify merchants. To sell all the furniture in a house quietly and quickly. How fas.h.i.+onable, how witty of your father, how prudent, to leave you a governor so wise, an economist so knowing. This rogue values twenty thousand pounds rent, the same way a baby does a half penny.

(Enter Roger)

Roger: Ladies and gentlemen, when you wish to enter supper is ready.

Squire: Yes. Well said. We mustn't lose time. I told you that Roger was a pretty fellow. I feel in a praiseworthy mood to drink wine. You will see if I remain in that mood. Come ladies--those who love me--follow me.

Edward: Moments are very precious to lovers. Let's not lose any time.

(Exit all but Roger into the house)

Roger: Well, thank G.o.d, business is good, our lovers are happy. May Heaven make it last a long while! But what do I see? There, I believe comes Jeremy, the valet of our absent master.

(Enter Jeremy)

Jeremy: At last I'm home. Hey, good day, Roger--the prodigal returns. How are you?

Roger: And you--dreadful apparition, how are you?

Jeremy: As you see, couldn't be better. A little tired, but we had a very successful trip.

Roger: What! "We" had a very successful trip? You didn't come alone?

Jeremy: What a question. Of course not. Came with my master. He went to the customs house with the merchandise while I came with the personal baggage and the joyous news for his son that he is returned in perfect health.

Roger: News like that will certainly rejoice him.

(Low) What are we going to do?

Jeremy: Something wrong? You don't look well--and you don't seem very glad to see us.

Roger: I'm not. This is most troublesome. All is lost. Now tell me--will he be kept at the custom house long?

Jeremy: No--he'll be here any minute.

Roger: In an minute? I think I'll go nuts.

Jeremy: But what the h.e.l.l's the matter with you?

Roger: I don't know. Oh, the cursed old man. To return at such a bad time-- and not to forewarn us. What a treacherous b.a.s.t.a.r.d.

Jeremy: You must be up to something deep; this unexpected return hasn't upset your plans too much, has it?

Roger: Oh, no! They'll all mixed up--by all the devils in h.e.l.l!

Jeremy: Too bad.

Roger: Jeremy, my poor, Jeremy, help me to arrange things, I beg you.

Jeremy: Me-- What do you want me to do?

Roger: Go--rest. Go in. You'll find good company--nothing to upset you.

They'll make you drink Champagne.

Jeremy: Not hard to get me to do that.