The Voyage Out Part 4

'We had a dog who was a bore and knew it,' he said, addressing her in cool, easy tones. 'He was a Skye terrier, one of those long chaps, with little feet poking out from their hair like - like caterpillars - no, like sofas I should say. Well, we had another dog at the same time, a black brisk animal - a Schipperke, I think, you call them. You can't imagine a greater contrast. The Skye so slow and deliberate, looking up at you like some old gentleman in the club, as much as to say, "You don't really mean it, do you?" and the Schipperke as quick as a knife. I liked the Skye best, I must confess. There was something pathetic about him.'

The story seemed to have no climax.

'What happened to him?' Rachel asked.

'That's a very sad story,' said Richard, lowering his voice and peeling an apple. 'He followed my wife in the car one day and got run over by a brute of a cyclist.'

'Was he killed?' asked Rachel.

But Clarissa at her end of the table had overheard.

'Don't talk of it!' she cried. 'It's a thing I can't bear to think of to this day'

Surely the tears stood in her eyes?

'That's the painful thing about pets,' said Mr. Dalloway; 'they die. The first sorrow I can remember was for the death of a dormouse. I regret to say that I sat upon it. Still, that didn't make one any the less sorry. Here lies the duck that Samuel Johnson sat on, eh?11 I was big for my age.' I was big for my age.'

'Then we had canaries,' he continued, 'a pair of ring-doves, a lemur, and at one time a martin.'

'Did you live in the country?' Rachel asked him.

'We lived in the country for six months of the year. When I say "we" I mean four sisters, a brother, and myself. There's nothing like coming of a large family. Sisters particularly are delightful.'

'd.i.c.k, you were horribly spoilt!' cried Clarissa across the table.

'No, no. Appreciated,' said Richard.

Rachel had other questions on the tip of her tongue; or rather one enormous question, which she did not in the least know how to put into words. The talk appeared too airy to admit of it.

'Please tell me - everything.' That was what she wanted to say. He had drawn apart one little c.h.i.n.k and showed astonis.h.i.+ng treasures. It seemed to her incredible that a man like that should be willing to talk to her. He had sisters and pets, and once lived in the country. She stirred her tea round and round; the bubbles which swam and cl.u.s.tered in the cup seemed to her like the union of their minds.

The talk meanwhile raced past her, and when Richard suddenly stated in a jocular tone of voice, 'I'm sure Miss Vinrace, now, has secret leanings towards Catholicism,' she had no idea what to answer, and Helen could not help laughing at the start she gave.

However, breakfast was over and Mrs. Dalloway was rising. 'I always think religion's like collecting beetles,' she said, summing up the discussion as she went up the stairs with Helen. 'One person has a pa.s.sion for black beetles; another hasn't; it's no good arguing about it. What's your your black beetle now?' black beetle now?'

'I suppose it's my children,' said Helen.

Ah - that's different,' Clarissa breathed. 'Do tell me. You have a boy, haven't you? Isn't it detestable, leaving them?'

It was as though a blue shadow had fallen across a pool. Their eyes became deeper, and their voices more cordial.

Instead of joining them as they began to pace the deck, Rachel was indignant with the prosperous matrons, who made her feel outside their world and motherless, and turning back, she left them abruptly. She slammed the door of her room, and pulled out her music. It was all old music - Bach and Beethoven, Mozart and Purcell - the pages yellow, the engraving rough to the finger. In three minutes she was deep in a very difficult, very cla.s.sical fugue in A, and over her face came a queer remote impersonal expression of complete absorption and anxious satisfaction. Now she stumbled; now she faltered and had to play the same bar twice over; but an invisible line seemed to string the notes together, from which rose a shape, a building. She was so far absorbed in this work, for it was really difficult to find how all these sounds should stand together, and drew upon the whole of her faculties, that she never heard a knock at the door. It was burst impulsively open, and Mrs. Dalloway stood in the room, leaving the door open, so that a strip of the white deck and of the blue sea appeared through the opening. The shape of the Bach fugue crashed to the ground.

'Don't let me interrupt,' Clarissa implored. 'I heard you playing, and I couldn't resist. I adore Bach!'

Rachel flushed and fumbled her fingers in her lap. She stood up awkwardly.

'It's too difficult,' she said.

'But you were playing quite splendidly! I ought to have stayed outside.'

'No,' said Rachel.

She slid Cowper's Letters Cowper's Letters and and Wuthering Heights Wuthering Heights out of the arm-chair, so that Clarissa was invited to sit there. out of the arm-chair, so that Clarissa was invited to sit there.

'What a dear little room!' she said, looking round. 'Oh, Cowper's Letters! Cowper's Letters! I've never read them. Are they nice?' I've never read them. Are they nice?'

'Rather dull,' said Rachel.

'He wrote awfully well, didn't he?' said Clarissa; - if one likes that kind of thing - finished his sentences and all that. Wuthering Heights! Wuthering Heights! Ah - that's more in my line. I really couldn't exist without the Brontes! Don't you love them? Still, on the whole, I'd rather live without them than without Jane Austen.' Ah - that's more in my line. I really couldn't exist without the Brontes! Don't you love them? Still, on the whole, I'd rather live without them than without Jane Austen.'

Lightly and at random though she spoke, her manner conveyed an extraordinary degree of sympathy and desire to befriend.

'Jane Austen? I don't like Jane Austen,' said Rachel.

'You monster!' Clarissa exclaimed. 'I can only just forgive you.

Tell me why?'

'She's so - so - well, so like a tight plait,' Rachel floundered.

Ah - I see what you mean. But I don't agree. And you won't when you're older. At your age I only liked Sh.e.l.ley. I can remember sobbing over him in the garden.

He has outsoared the shadow of our night, Envy and calumny and hate and pain - you remember?

Can touch him not and torture not again From the contagion of the world's slow stain.z How divine! - and yet what nonsense!' She looked lightly round the room. 'I always think it's living, living, not dying, that counts. I really respect some snuffy old stockbroker who's gone on adding up column after column all his days, and trotting back to his villa at Brixton with some old pug dog he wors.h.i.+ps, and a dreary little wife sitting at the end of the table, and going off to Margate for a fortnight - I a.s.sure you I know heaps like that - well, they seem to me not dying, that counts. I really respect some snuffy old stockbroker who's gone on adding up column after column all his days, and trotting back to his villa at Brixton with some old pug dog he wors.h.i.+ps, and a dreary little wife sitting at the end of the table, and going off to Margate for a fortnight - I a.s.sure you I know heaps like that - well, they seem to me really really n.o.bler than poets whom every one wors.h.i.+ps, just because they're geniuses and die young. But I don't expect n.o.bler than poets whom every one wors.h.i.+ps, just because they're geniuses and die young. But I don't expect you you to agree with me!' 'when you're my age you'll see that the world is to agree with me!' 'when you're my age you'll see that the world is crammed crammed with delightful things. I think young people make such a mistake about that - not letting themselves be happy. I sometimes think that happiness is the only thing that counts. I don't know you well enough to say, but I should guess you might be a little inclined to - when one's young and attractive - I'm going to say it! - with delightful things. I think young people make such a mistake about that - not letting themselves be happy. I sometimes think that happiness is the only thing that counts. I don't know you well enough to say, but I should guess you might be a little inclined to - when one's young and attractive - I'm going to say it! - everything's everything's at one's feet.' She glanced round as much as to say, 'not only a few stuffy books and Bach.' at one's feet.' She glanced round as much as to say, 'not only a few stuffy books and Bach.'

She pressed Rachel's shoulder.

'Um-m-m - ' she went on quoting - Unrest which men miscall delight - 'I long to ask questions,' she continued. 'You interest me so much. If I'm impertinent, you must just box my ears.'

'And I - I want to ask questions,' said Rachel with such earnestness that Mrs. Dalloway had to check her smile.

'D'you mind if we walk?' she said. 'The air's so delicious.'

She snuffed it like a racehorse as they shut the door and stood on deck.

'Isn't it good to be alive?' she exclaimed, and drew Rachel's arm within hers.

'Look, look! How exquisite!'

The sh.o.r.es of Portugal were beginning to lose their substance; but the land was still the land, though at a great distance. They could distinguish the little towns that were sprinkled in the folds of the hills, and the smoke rising faintly. The towns appeared to be very small in comparison with the great purple mountains behind them.

'Honestly, though,' said Clarissa, having looked, 'I don't like views. They're too inhuman.' They walked on.

'How odd it is!' she continued impulsively. 'This time yesterday we'd never met. I was packing in a stuffy little room in the hotel. We know absolutely nothing about each other - and yet - I feel as if I did did know you!' know you!'

'You have children - your husband was in Parliament?'

'You've never been to school, and you live - - - ?'

'With my aunts at Richmond.'

'Richmond?'

'You see, my aunts like the Park. They like the quiet.'

And you don't! I understand!' Clarissa laughed.

'I like walking in the Park alone; but not - with the dogs,' she finished.

'No; and some people are are dogs; aren't they?' said Clarissa, as if she had guessed a secret. 'But not every one - oh no, not every one.' dogs; aren't they?' said Clarissa, as if she had guessed a secret. 'But not every one - oh no, not every one.'

'Not every one,' said Rachel, and stopped.

'I can quite imagine you walking alone,' said Clarissa; 'and thinking - in a little world of your own. But how you will enjoy it - some day!'

'I shall enjoy walking with a man - is that what you mean?' said Rachel, regarding Mrs. Dalloway with her large enquiring eyes.

'I wasn't thinking of a man particularly,' said Clarissa. 'But you will.'

'No. I shall never marry,' Rachel determined.

'I shouldn't be so sure of that,' said Clarissa. Her sidelong glance told Rachel that she found her attractive although she was inexplicably amused.

'Why do people marry?' Rachel asked.

'That's what you're going to find out,' Clarissa laughed.

Rachel followed her eyes and found that they rested, for a second, on the robust figure of Richard Dalloway, who was engaged in striking a match on the sole of his boot; while Willoughby expounded something, which seemed to be of great interest to them both.

'There's nothing like it,' she concluded. 'Do tell me about the Ambroses. Or am I asking too many questions?'

'I find you easy to talk to,' said Rachel.

The short sketch of the Ambroses was, however, somewhat perfunctory, and contained little but the fact that Mr. Ambrose was her uncle.

'Your mother's brother?'

When a name has dropped out of use, the lightest touch upon it tells. Mrs. Dalloway went on: 'Are you like your mother?'

'No; she was different,' said Rachel.

She was overcome by an intense desire to tell Mrs. Dalloway things she had never told any one - things she had not realised herself until this moment.

'I am lonely,' she began. 'I want - 'She did not know what she wanted, so that she could not finish the sentence; but her lip quivered.

But it seemed that Mrs. Dalloway was able to understand without words.

'I know,' she said, actually putting one arm round Rachel's shoulder. 'When I was your age I wanted too. No one understood until I met Richard. He gave me all I wanted. He's man and woman as well.' Her eyes rested upon Mr. Dalloway, leaning upon the rail, still talking. 'Don't think I say that because I'm his wife - I see his faults more clearly than I see any one else's. What one wants in the person one lives with is that they should keep one at one's best. I often wonder what I've done to be so happy!' she exclaimed, and a tear slid down her cheek. She wiped it away, squeezed Rachel's hand, and exclaimed: 'How good life is!' At that moment, standing out in the fresh breeze, with the sun upon the waves, and Mrs. Dalloway's hand upon her arm, it seemed indeed as if life which had been unnamed before was infinitely wonderful, and too good to be true.

Here Helen pa.s.sed them, and seeing Rachel arm-in-arm with a comparative stranger, looking excited, was amused, but at the same time slightly irritated. But they were immediately joined by Richard, who had enjoyed a very interesting talk with Willoughby and was in a sociable mood.

'Observe my Panama,' he said, touching the brim of his hat. 'Are you aware, Miss Vinrace, how much can be done to induce fine weather by appropriate headdress? I have determined that it is a hot summer day; I warn you that nothing you can say will shake me. Therefore I am going to sit down. I advise you to follow my example.' Three chairs in a row invited them to be seated.

Leaning back, Richard surveyed the waves.

'That's a very pretty blue,' he said. 'But there's a little too much of it. Variety is essential to a view. Thus, if you have hills you ought to have a river; if a river, hills. The best view in the world in my opinion is that from Boars Hill on a fine day - it must be a fine day, mark you - A rug? - Oh, thank you, my dear ... In that case you have also the advantage of a.s.sociations - the Past.'

'D'you want to talk, d.i.c.k, or shall I read aloud?'

Clarissa had fetched a book with the rugs.

'Persuasion,'12 announced Richard, examining the volume. announced Richard, examining the volume.

'That's for Miss Vinrace,' said Clarissa. 'She can't bear our beloved Jane.'

'That - if I may say so - is because you have not read her,' said Richard. 'She is incomparably the greatest female writer we possess.'

'She is the greatest,' he continued, 'and for this reason: she does not attempt to write like a man. Every other woman does; on that account, I don't read 'em.'

'Produce your instances, Miss Vinrace,' he went on, joining his finger-tips. 'I'm ready to be converted.'

He waited, while Rachel vainly tried to vindicate her s.e.x from the slight he put upon it.

'I'm afraid he's right,' said Clarissa. 'He generally is - the wretch!'

'I brought Persuasion,' Persuasion,' she went on, 'because I thought it was a little less threadbare than the others - though, d.i.c.k, it's no good she went on, 'because I thought it was a little less threadbare than the others - though, d.i.c.k, it's no good your your pretending to know Jane by heart, considering that she always sends you to sleep!' pretending to know Jane by heart, considering that she always sends you to sleep!'

After the labours of legislation, I deserve sleep,' said Richard.

'You're not to think about those guns,' said Clarissa, seeing that his eye, pa.s.sing over the waves, still sought the land meditatively, 'or about navies, or empires, or anything.' So saying she opened the book and began to read: '"Sir Walter Elliott, of Kellynch Hall, in Somersets.h.i.+re, was a man who, for his own amus.e.m.e.nt, never took up any book but the Baronetage" Baronetage" - don't you know Sir Walter? - "There he found occupation for an idle hour, and consolation in a distressed one." She does write well, doesn't she? "There - " ' She read on in a light humorous voice. She was determined that Sir Walter should take her husband's mind off the guns of Britain, and divert him in an exquisite, quaint, sprightly, and slightly ridiculous world. After a time it appeared that the sun was sinking in that world, and the points becoming softer. Rachel looked up to see what caused the change. Richard's eyelids were closing and opening; opening and closing. A loud nasal breath announced that he no longer considered appearances, that he was sound asleep. - don't you know Sir Walter? - "There he found occupation for an idle hour, and consolation in a distressed one." She does write well, doesn't she? "There - " ' She read on in a light humorous voice. She was determined that Sir Walter should take her husband's mind off the guns of Britain, and divert him in an exquisite, quaint, sprightly, and slightly ridiculous world. After a time it appeared that the sun was sinking in that world, and the points becoming softer. Rachel looked up to see what caused the change. Richard's eyelids were closing and opening; opening and closing. A loud nasal breath announced that he no longer considered appearances, that he was sound asleep.

'Triumph!' Clarissa whispered at the end of a sentence. Suddenly she raised her hand in protest. A sailor hesitated; she gave the book to Rachel, and stepped lightly to take the message - 'Mr. Grice wished to know if it was convenient,' etc. She followed him. Ridley, who had prowled unheeded, started forward, stopped, and, with a gesture of disgust, strode off to his study. The sleeping politician was left in Rachel's charge. She read a sentence, and took a look at him. In sleep he looked like a coat hanging at the end of a bed; there were all the wrinkles, and the sleeves and trousers kept their shape though no longer filled out by legs and arms. You can then best judge the age and state of the coat. She looked him all over until it seemed to her that he must protest.

He was a man of forty perhaps; and here there were lines round his eyes, and there curious clefts in his cheeks. Slightly battered he appeared, but dogged and in the prime of life.

'Sisters and a dormouse and some canaries,' Rachel murmured, never taking her eyes off him. 'I wonder, I wonder.' She ceased, her chin upon her hand, still looking at him. A bell chimed behind them, and Richard raised his head. Then he opened his eyes which wore for a second the queer look of a short-sighted person's whose spectacles are lost. It took him a moment to recover from the impropriety of having snored, and possibly grunted, before a young lady. To wake and find oneself left alone with one was also slightly disconcerting.

'I suppose I've been dozing,' he said. 'What's happened to every one? Clarissa?'

'Mrs. Dalloway has gone to look at Mr. Grice's fish,' Rachel replied.

'I might have guessed,' said Richard. 'It's a common occurrence. And how have you improved the s.h.i.+ning hour? Have you become a convert?'

'I don't think I've read a line,' said Rachel.

'That's what I always find. There are too many things to look at. I find nature very stimulating myself. My best ideas have come to me out of doors.'