Every Man out of His Humour Part 18

COR. Silence, good knight; on, on.

SOG. [READS.] "Gyrony of eight pieces; azure and gules; between three plates, a chevron engrailed checquy, or, vert, and ermins; on a chief argent, between two ann'lets sable, a boar's head, proper."

CAR. How's that! on a chief argent?

SOG. [READS.] "On a chief argent, a boar's head proper, between two ann'lets sable."

CAR. 'Slud, it's a hog's cheek and puddings in a pewter field, this.

[HERE THEY s.h.i.+FT. FASTIDIOUS MIXES WITH PUNTARVOLO; CARLO AND SOGLIARDO; DELIRO AND MACILENTE; CLOVE AND ORANGE; FOUR COUPLE.

SOG. How like you them, signior?

PUNT. Let the word be, 'Not without mustard': your crest is very rare, sir.

CAR. A frying-pan to the crest, had had no fellow.

FAST. Intreat your poor friend to walk off a little, signior, I will salute the knight.

CAR. Come, lap it up, lap it up.

FAST. You are right well encounter'd, sir; how does your fair dog?

PUNT. In reasonable state, sir; what citizen is that you were consorted with? A merchant of any worth?

FAST. 'Tis signior Deliro, sir.

PUNT. Is it he? -- Save you, sir!

[THEY SALUTE.

DELI. Good sir Puntarvolo!

MACI. O what copy of fool would this place minister, to one endued with patience to observe it!

CAR. Nay, look you, sir, now you are a gentleman, you must carry a more exalted presence, change your mood and habit to a more austere form; be exceeding proud, stand upon your gentility, and scorn every man; speak nothing humbly, never discourse under a n.o.bleman, though you never saw him but riding to the star-chamber, it's all one. Love no man: trust no man: speak ill of no man to his face; nor well of any man behind his back.

Salute fairly on the front, and wish them hanged upon the turn. Spread yourself upon his bosom publicly, whose heart you would eat in private.

These be principles, think on them; I'll come to you again presently.

[EXIT.

PUNT. [TO HIS SERVANT.] Sirrah, keep close; yet not so close: thy breath will thaw my ruff.

SOG. O, good cousin, I am a little busy, how does my niece? I am to walk with a knight, here.

ENTER FUNGOSO WITH HIS TAILOR.

FUNG. O, he is here; look you, sir, that's the gentleman.

TAI. What, he in the blush-coloured satin?

FUNG. Ay, he, sir; though his suit blush, he blushes not, look you, that's the suit, sir: I would have mine such a suit without difference, such stuff, such a wing, such a sleeve, such a skirt, belly and all; therefore, pray you observe it. Have you a pair of tables?

FAST. Why, do you see, sir, they say I am fantastical; why, true, I know it, and I pursue my humour still, in contempt of this censorious age.

'Slight, an a man should do nothing but what a sort of stale judgments about him this town will approve in him, he were a sweet a.s.s: I'd beg him, i'faith. I ne'er knew any more find fault with a fas.h.i.+on, than they that knew not how to put themselves into it. For mine own part, so I please mine own appet.i.te, I am careless what the fusty world speaks of me. Puh!

FUNG. Do you mark, how it hangs at the knee there?

TAI. I warrant you, sir.

FUNG. For G.o.d's sake do, not all; do you see the collar, sir?

TAI. Fear nothing, it shall not differ in a st.i.tch, sir.

FUNG. Pray heaven it do not! you'll make these linings serve, and help me to a chapman for the outside, will you?

TAI. I'll do my best, sir: you'll put it off presently.

FUNG. Ay, go with me to my chamber you shall have it -- but make haste of it, for the love of a customer; for I'll sit in my old suit, or else lie a bed, and read the 'Arcadia' till you have done.

[EXIT WITH HIS TAILOR.

RE-ENTER CARLO.

CAR. O, if ever you were struck with a jest, gallants, now, now, now, I do usher the most strange piece of military profession that ever was discovered in 'Insula Paulina'.

FAST. Where? where?

PUNT. What is he for a creature?

CAR. A pimp, a pimp, that I have observed yonder, the rarest superficies of a humour; he comes every morning to empty his lungs in Paul's here; and offers up some five or six hecatombs of faces and sighs, and away again.

Here he comes; nay, walk, walk, be not seen to note him, and we shall have excellent sport.

ENTER s.h.i.+FT; AND WALKS BY, USING ACTION TO HIS RAPIER.

PUNT. 'Slid, he vented a sigh e'en now, I thought he would have blown up the church.

CAR. O, you shall have him give a number of those false fires ere he depart.

FAST. See, now he is expostulating with his rapier: look, look!

CAR. Did you ever in your days observe better pa.s.sion over a hilt?

PUNT. Except it were in the person of a cutlet's boy, or that the fellow were nothing but vapour, I should think it impossible.

CAR. See again, he claps his sword o' the head, as who should say, well, go to.

FAST. O violence! I wonder the blade can contain itself, being so provoked.

CAR. "With that the moody squire thumpt his breast, And rear'd his eyen to heaven for revenge."

SOG. Troth, an you be good gentlemen, let's make them friends, and take up the matter between his rapier and him.

CAR. Nay, if you intend that, you must lay down the matter; for this rapier, it seems, is in the nature of a hanger-on, and the good gentleman would happily be rid of him.

FAST. By my faith, and 'tis to be suspected; I'll ask him.