Hard to Escape Chapter 38

There actually wasn't that much time till the compet.i.tion. But within this narrowing band of time to practice, I never felt more blissful. Because of my feelings toward Yin Li and my newfound understanding of life, I danced with no regard for the first time ever. My body was weary but my heart was increasingly excited.

However, an unexpected turn of events ruined all plans. 

"The compet.i.tion's committee has rejected your application to compete." Wu Ke's expression was heavy, and she was hesitant to continue speaking. But in the end, she still blurted everything out. "The number of people registering has tripled this time. The committee put out an urgent notice saying they will evaluate dance studios and issues invitations to those eligible. The studios with invitations are eligible to send their students to compet.i.tion. All compet.i.tion partic.i.p.ants must be backed by an eligible dance studio.

"The compet.i.tion winner will have the opportunity to attend the famous ballet schools in Boston, Paris, or Italy. Also, many of the judges have connections with world-cla.s.s ballet troupes. If a judge looks well upon you, you could receive pointers or even directly enter a world-cla.s.s troupe in one leap. Every dancer dreams of such an opportunity, and it's no surprise that everyone eagerly rushed at this chance. The online registration system even went down. Because of this emergency, the committee could only choose to go this route. They would strictly vet the compet.i.tors, and even request a dancer's bone growth diagrams, dietary programs, and health status."

I had no strength to face these incredibly shocking new rules. I felt a little dazed. Ballet was indeed an art strict in requirements. Because of its deep history and old-fas.h.i.+oned tendencies, the ballet world found it hard to accept dancers who didn't fit the mold. They valued whom a dancer mentored under, what school the dancer learned ballet at, and what background the dancer came from. Many dancers did indeed walk this predefined road. In international compet.i.tions, practically all winners had this sort of background. Because of this, the committee's new rules weren't out of line.

But with these circ.u.mstances, I could no longer attend the compet.i.tion. I looked helplessly at Yin Li. 

"Give me a moment." Like always, he smiled at me tenderly. He turned and walked out, only to return a moment later. But this time his expression was a bit heavy.

"I called the heads of all the good-reputation ballet schools in China." He muttered and pinched the bridge of his nose. "But I couldn't stick you in. These schools haven't even received invitations."

Yin Li looked at me in concern.

"I want you to know that your dancing is wonderful, but it's only one part of you. You still have many other wonderful things."

Wu Ke also comforted me. "There are many other compet.i.tions you can compete in."

I tried my best to calm myself and nodded. But when I was alone, I bawled my eyes out.

In these months, I had poured my whole soul into practicing. Because my goal post suddenly disappeared, I didn't know what to do. I was unresigned to this fate.

Even if it was hopeless, I still wanted to write Madame Taylor an email. At that time, my emotions were roiling. My words were incoherent as I wrote of my life and my feelings at this time: I want to return to the stage. I don't want to dance just for Yin Li, but for the world.

I didn't expect that Madame Taylor would reply so promptly. But her tone couldn't exactly be called warm. She wrote: I'm very sorry for all that you have suffered, but you have not moved me enough. 

I wasn't convincing enough.

I stared at the email on the screen. I really didn't know how to move her.

"Let's go to Paris as soon as possible." Yin Li saw her email and said resolutely, "Let's go there and host a dance exhibition for you. Madame Taylor can be cold to your words but she won't be unmoved by your dance. You can move her. With your dance, you can convince her."

He was swift and decisive as he brought me and Wu Ke to Paris. He rented a site, and ordered a tutu and ballet shoes from a famous designer. He even brought a whole crew of health professionals just in case.

"Is one month enough for you to prepare for the performance? Is it enough time for you to recuperate?" In the windy Paris night, Yin Li helped me tuck my scarf a little tighter. "If possible, let's book a time so that I can contact the press and print advertis.e.m.e.nts." He looked afar. "A few days later Li Jing will come too. 

"I selfishly don't want to see him even exchange words with you, but it can't be helped that he has more connections in Paris than me. Since we're putting on an exhibition, let's truly make it special. Li Jing will be able to invite well-known people from the arts."

Things progressed like this. Li Jing appeared the very next day. I don't know if it was just me but he seemed to be avoiding me. Every time we wrapped up our business, he said he had matters to attend to and left. But I didn't have the time to bother about it. I was also vexed by this exhibition. I didn't even know what to dance.

Besides the cla.s.sical ballet repertoire, there always had to be a special little something unique to the dancer.

While in Paris these days, I saw many ballet shows. The dancers' movements were all natural. The insteps and arches of their feet were all healthy. They danced with power and feeling. It could not have been more beautiful.

Yin Li was busy nonstop due to my upcoming performance. On the contrary, in the gloominess of the pa.s.sing days I started doubting myself. 

"Yan Xiao, where's your mind these days during practice?!" Wu Ke rebuked.

"But I don't even know what my own style is. I don't know what special thing I can show to make the audience love me. I've been observing myself in the mirror. My movements are delicate, and I can express the feelings of the role. But just within Paris there are so many people who can dance just like me. I don't even think I could move ballet fans, let alone Madame Taylor."

Wu Ke sat next to me. "I just so happened to want to ask you this today. Do you know what improv ballet is? There is no arrangement. You just dance with your heart, follow the music, and dance as you please. 

"There's also modern ballet, a type of dance that branched out from cla.s.sical ballet. Its philosophy is that ballet cannot rigidly adhere to a fixed set of cliche footwork. Ballet should be the natural outflowing of emotion."

"I don't quite understand modern ballet. But I imagine that if you could integrate that creative, personal aspect, weave it in with your feelings and experiences, and use that to tell your story to the audience, it will definitely succeed. Everyone goes through different experiences. Your life and who you are as a person is something unique to you. When it comes to casting a spell on the audience, it's entirely up to the depth of your inner heart and the infectiousness of your dance. This is something that cla.s.sical ballet cannot do."

That day I didn't continue practicing. Wu Ke's words made me think. Perhaps I should first figure out my own self before dancing. That night I went to look for Yin Xuan alone. Yin Li mentioned that ever since she returned to Paris, she was reluctant to leave the house and meet people. Yin Li had gone a few times but was met with a shut door. He was worried.  

"It's you." As expected, Yin Xuan wasn't willing to open the door. She only spoke through the intercom. "My brother came a few days earlier to come find me. I just knew he came to Paris for you. It wasn't to see me.

"I heard that you are putting on an exhibition. Congratulations. Two years prior I had also wanted to put one on but my brother sternly rejected. He said it was a waste of resources and manpower, and there was no need. As expected, different people have different fates."

I felt a bit guilty but still explained why I had come. "I'm really sorry for what happened before. I really want to invite you to the performance. To be honest, I really want to invite you to dance a pas de deux with me. You dance very well."

Yin Xuan was shocked. After a while of silence, she spoke, her voice drifting, "I never thought that I would one day hear those words. A pity it's too late." She then ignored me and showed no signs of opening the door.

I went over a few days in a row but the results were the same every time. Yin Xuan was stubborn. I finally understood Yin Li's worries.

That day I said sorry facing the door as usual. However this time the door opened. Yin Xuan's face appeared at the door. It had only been a few months since we last saw each other yet I was incredibly shocked by her appearance today. Her face had grown chubbier and her hair was messily tied up. She was wearing baggy pajamas, and I could see her small tummy protruding beneath the clothes.

She didn't look me in the eyes. "Now you see that I'm not your opponent anymore.

"I've completely given up on myself. I loathe myself, and I can't even face myself in the mirror. After our head b.u.t.t, I've given up on ballet and have no more hopes for my life. I don't believe in anyone anymore. I'm so fat I'm like a bloated pregnant lady." Then she finally looked up. "I told myself that if you came ten days in a row, I would open the door for you. Today was the tenth day." 

I was even more shocked upon walking into her house. It couldn't even be considered a human residence. Dirty clothes and garbage was strewn everywhere. Instant noodles, chips, and bottles lay all over the table. She had filled herself with all this junk food.  

"I'm afraid I can't even wear my ballet shoes anymore." Yin Xuan sat on the sofa and popped open another bag of chips. "That's why I won't attend your exhibition. Go ahead, laugh at me.

"I've never been better than you or more fortunate than you. I just looked up to you and was jealous of what you had. Perhaps I'm just not cut out for ballet. Letting it go was the right thing to do."

I suddenly couldn't bear it. Despite all our conflicts, she still was a real ballerina from a professional standpoint. Compared to me, she had put in more and was more dedicated to ballet.

"I was also jealous of you." I looked up at the ceiling and finally said those words.

Yin Xuan didn't seem to have heard me. She looked at me in confusion, so I repeated myself once more.

"I was also jealous of you. I always was, ever since I met you. It was before you even became jealous of me." These memories were ones I never wanted to bring up. I felt horrible for having once had those feelings. I was embarra.s.sed by the explanation. I lowered my head. "I noticed you before you noticed me. At that time, you didn't even know me. I saw you wearing beautiful gowns attending salons or galas. You had money and a family background. Even if you didn't dance, you still would have a million other opportunities in life. You didn't have to worry about anything. That's why your love for ballet was real. Because you loved ballet, you chose to endure this painful and lonely profession.

"But I'm different. Besides ballet, I have nothing. If I didn't have dance, what could I do? I sacrificed so many things, so much more than you. Moreover, a dancer's career is short. Once I couldn't dance anymore, I don't even know what I would live for. But you were different. You still had a brother who loved you. Meanwhile, I only had a strict foster mother."

I closed my eyes and didn't continue speaking. I didn't mention the past in Paris. Before, every time Yin Li visited Yin Xuan he would lower his voice and speak tenderly to her, reminding her to take care of her body. He would buy everything she wanted and lovingly rub her head. Every time this happened, I would be filled with jealousy. I was so jealous I could practically go crazy.