Hard to Escape Chapter 37

Yin Lin contacted me one week later. "Yan Xiao, this afternoon I'm bringing someone over to see you. I think you'll want to meet her."

One week later I started dancing again.

Like in the past, a gaze from the shadows still fell on me as I danced. But it was no longer so possessive that I could practically feel it on me. These days, the gaze was light and fleeting like a cicada's wings. When I concentrated on dancing, I couldn't even notice it. Only when I turned my head would I see Yin Li there, standing silently.

However, when I earnestly started dancing I would forget my surroundings. When the music sounded and I pushed open the door to the studio, it was like I was opening a door to another world. I was silent while the music played, but my hands, feet, and every part of my limbs moved in harmony with the music and expressed the greatest joy. My feet were pointed—they were the hards.h.i.+p that I endured and the talent I was blessed with. Sometimes, I just wanted to dance, and during those times I had no regrets over my belongings and experiences.

But most of the time, I was unsatisfied with myself. Dance interprets a piece of music that has life to it, not some dead, lifeless beat. The dancer must use her heart to feel the music. Some movements must be prolonged and some must be shortened. I could never manage to master these nuances.

After ten days of practicing the same scene and not progressing, I shut myself in the studio and practiced alone. Yin Li quietly sat in the guest room. He didn't say anything and gave me my s.p.a.ce. But I knew very well that two days prior he had donated a large amount of money to the orphanage to improve their food and dorms. These days, he had also started preparing a charity gala and adoption procedures for the orphans.

"I want to treat those children better." When I asked why, he was calm. "I'm not a philanthropist. It's just that when I see those children, I think of your childhood. If you had met someone like me at that time, would you have wanted to disappear? Would you have experienced so much frustration and hards.h.i.+p?" Yin Li moved closer and rubbed my head. "I later went to the orphanage by myself. When those children looked at me, they seemed panicked. Yet they very clearly wanted to please me. When I sat down and asked them about their life, some children poured tea for me. Some even brought an ashtray and said not to mind them, allowing me to smoke. Then they split me a portion of their rationed fruit.

"They were all so sweet yet I could not help but feel that heart wrenching feeling. Being able to read others is a skill. But being able to do so at such a young age and to be so considerate is rather tragic. In what scenario would an ordinary child need to read others' expressions? I thought perhaps you also felt that way and learned that skill in necessity. I just couldn't sit there do nothing anymore." 

I still remembered Yin Li's expression when he said those words. He wasn't fis.h.i.+ng for praise. He was just warm, kind, and solemnly respectful.

I quietly accepted his answer, but I pushed myself harder in practice. Wu Ke started instructing me again.

"Yan Xiao, look. In this scene where the swan dies, you dance with more depth than before. Before you were too gloomy; the swan's despair and unwillingness before death was too exaggerated. Though it was emotionally moving, it was a bit superficial. But now, besides the grief there's also the tenacity of life. The swan is tired and spent but it still flaps its wings, hoping to touch the sky. You've captured that desperation for life." Nowadays, Wu Ke was rewatching Frank's recordings and comparing them to my current movements. Her evaluations were sharp and to the point.

"I think you don't have to practice the scene in parts now. You can try running through Odette's solo from start to finish." She smiled at me. "We can enter the compet.i.tion with this variation if you want. 

"This is a prestigious compet.i.tion. Though you can ch.o.r.eograph your own scene, we are tight for time. Plus, you can't go wrong with dancing a cla.s.sical piece." Just as Wu Ke finished talking, Yin Li entered. She then smiled and left.

I looked at Yin Li and saw that he had a container of food in his hands. It was probably slowly simmered soup prepared specially by the diet.i.tian.  

"Don't feel pressure. The compet.i.tion happens every year and there's no need to be anxious." He spoke softly and pa.s.sed a spoon full of soup.

I felt rather embarra.s.sed. "It's me who wants to compete. It wasn't Wu Ke's idea." I drank the spoonful. "Madame Taylor will be on this year's judging panel. She agrees to judge only once every five years on average."

And I didn't have another five years to wait. A ballet dancer's lifespan wasn't that long. Ballet was a dance for the strong. It was demanding on the body and mind.

Yin Li understood my underlying meaning. "Even still, don't push yourself too hard. Wu Ke even said that you've found your own interpretation of Odette. Don't be too worried. I know you want to have your own stage and be recognized, especially by your teacher. It will happen." 

"Yin Li, are you busy tonight?"

He was a bit surprised by this question but still shook his head. 

"Then want to stay and watch me dance?"

Yin Li couldn't even hide his smile. "Yes, I very much want to see."

That night when he saw me come out in my sequin-adorned white tutu and white satin shoes, he was awed. I wore my performance outfit, did my hair, and applied makeup.

I wanted him to see my best side. I wanted to dance for him and use my body to express my love. For him, I immersed myself in Odette's dream. Every step I took was light and weightless like a swan's. With the music, it was like I had become a swan—with a graceful long neck and glistening white feathers. Every curve my body outlined was delicate and beautiful, and there was that ice-cold n.o.ble yet elegant demeanor. 

Odette's movements were tender and carefree, capturing her youthful innocence. Afterall, she was a princess, even if only a prince's love could save her. Odette and the prince's meetings progressed naturally.

Odette was pure while Odile was evil. In the end, the prince would come to love Odette.

I spun slowly yet gracefully. My hands were my wings. The blinking of my eyes and the positioning of my head were like a bird's. I wanted to capture the essence of a swan.

Yin Li fixed his gaze on me with a deep look in his eyes. But he was different from all other audience members. He wasn't just watching Odette. He was peering through Odette's outer sh.e.l.l and looking at me.

For some strange reason, I leapt and performed a move known to be Odile's. This disrupted the harmony between the music and myself. I tried to combine Odette's and Odile's moves in an effort to save the performance. What started as an impulsive misstep ended in a beautiful conclusion.

After dancing Odile's gentle movements, I leapt in the air with vigor. I smoothly transitioned from the grand jeté into Swan Lake's famous 32 fouettes. In Swan Lake, Odile danced the fouettes when enticing the prince. They were intense, powerful, and emotional. 

Before, I was afraid of attempting this move. It was extremely demanding on the feet. In a fouette, the standing foot could not move outside a narrow circle the circ.u.mference of your hips. You not only had to perform 32 fouettes, you also had to keep that standing foot within that narrow circle. All the while, you had to pay attention to the details of your dancing and bring all the elements together in one harmonious act.

Despite this, I apparently succeeded.

Thirty-two fouettes was the benchmark for a princ.i.p.al dancer. If a whole theater's audience was before me right now, there would be endless resounding applause. However, I only had Yin Li. He didn't clap. He just concentrated on me.

I recalled many memories, which flashed by. When I had practiced alone and finished a scene, I would take a bow towards the empty air. I had frequently fantasized the applause I would receive in the future. Then, I would confidently tell myself that I wanted that life. It would smother the darker doubts that had surfaced. 

For what do I stand here?

In truth, it isn't for the applause. In my loneliest times, what really pushed me to dance the next step wasn't the antic.i.p.ated glory. It was gritting my teeth and staking it all. It was me.

However, Yin Li was present.

In that instant, I wanted to dance purely for him.

So I hopped off the stage and danced on the carpet in front of him.

Because of the fouettes, my body was hot, as if on fire. Whether it be Odette or Odile, perhaps what they both desired was just love.

I looked Yin Li in the eyes and arrogantly outstretched a hand. If you are willing to wholeheartedly love me, you might perhaps be able to earn my love.

This was the pride of a ballet dancer and the confession of a ballerina. Even when it came to love, we couldn't lower our heads. When it came to ballet, I too was king.

Yin Li stood up and wanted to take my hand but I slyly jumped away.

I danced, circling him. I was unbridled in my performance. I expressed my deep longing for freedom. It wasn't Odette or Odile's movements.  It was my own chaotic way of expression. This was my body's cipher. I didn't need to follow in the footsteps of anyone else. I finally rediscovered that gentle yet smooth feeling. This was the real meaning of dance.

I was dancing my own life. I danced the confusion I felt after the accident with amnesia. I danced the love I had received, and similarly the pain when discovering the love was a farce. I danced the horror of learning the truth. Finally, I danced the peace and intensity of this very moment. I had too much to tell Yin Li, so I used a more familiar language to express myself.

I was good and bad. I was tender and pa.s.sionate. Within me, I carried hopes and despair.

I continuously changed my footsteps yet my eyes never left him. His eyes were already burning with emotion. He had been bewitched.

I could imagine myself in this moment. I was releasing my wicked, alluring side and revealing my innocence as well as my darker side. Every step of mine was a weapon. 

Flamboyantly beautiful.

It takes five people working full-time to support a world-cla.s.s artist.

I was one of those artists who used my two feet to entice others.

I looked at Yin Li like this. I didn't touch him, but with every step I coaxed him.

Why don't you serve me?

My dance expressed that to him clear as day.

As the music came to a close, I circled one last time, withdrew my feet, and once again outstretched a hand to Yin Li.

This time his eyes burned as he looked me in the eyes. He gracefully kneeled at my feet and humbly kissed my fingertips.

He would serve me.

He then lifted his head. His hand still in mine, he looked at me and said, "For all that I've done in the past, for all that Xuan Xuan, my sister, has done in the past, for all the pain I've put you through, I beg for your forgiveness."

I lowered my head. Yin Li's eyes lit up. He had been looking at not just my dancing but also me. He had quietly absorbed the story I was expressing and hence, he knew that I was dancing my own life. He was apologizing for all the turmoil within my dance.

Everything that happened between us was too dramfilled and complicated. I loved him and wouldn't leave him. But recalling the past, there were many minor trifles that made the road more b.u.mpy. He had brought me out of Paris and was rather heartless when he wanted the doctor to amputate my leg. He didn't even seem to care about whether I lived or died. Even after I awoke, he gave me a status of "fiancee" to better control me.

He was begging for my forgiveness for all this. He wanted forgiveness for how coldly he treated others and how selfish he was when it came to protecting his family. His expression was sincere and handsome.

As if bewitched by him, I caressed his forehead and outlined the features of his face. This face had gone from foreign to familiar. I had guarded against it, and then I had depended on it. Slowly, bit by bit. It was filled with traces and memories of our relations.h.i.+p. I heard myself say, "I forgive you."

Then I crouched down and clasped Yin Li's hands.

"Forgive me too." I too looked him in the eyes.

Forgive me for wanting to disappear and bringing about all these misunderstandings. Yin Xuan had hated me, and I owed her an apology. If I hadn't rushed to jump in front of her car, she would have had a peaceful life. Moreover, perhaps I wasn't fair to her. Not too long ago, I had even painted myself as the victim and wanted to have my revenge on my "abuser."

Yin Li, Yin Xuan, and I were all at fault. In our lives, we've all made mistakes. Fate intertwined us and allowed us to fix those mistakes.

I looked at Yin Li. He pushed aside my sweat-soaked bangs and lightly kissed me on the forehead.

"I forgive you."

We looked at each other in the eyes, our hands were clasped, and our fingers were entwined. It was like a religious ceremony. I used dance to express my feelings—my conflicting emotions and my regret. He understood, and we forgave each other and accepted that we all came with flaws.

I rested my head against Yin Li's shoulder and heard him quietly chuckle.

"Yan Xiao, don't dance like that in front of me ever again. I'm afraid I won't be able to resist pulling you down from the stage."

Yin Li's voice carried a tint of danger yet I wasn't afraid. "You've already pulled me off the stage halfway through."

Yin Li also laughed. "So I have forcefully changed your life so that it fits mine. From this level, wouldn't I be your Odile? You are the n.o.ble prince. You first became acquainted with your Li Jing, your Odette. I disguised myself and used underhanded methods to entice you, and I broke you and Odette apart." He caressed my face and muttered, "I always never liked Swan Lake. Why must the prince be with Odette? Just because Odile is evil, does it mean that she has no right to chase after her love? The prince clearly is attracted to Odile. He loves the true face of Odile more. He's but a prince with desires."

He tightly held my hands. "That's why in my story, the prince must end up with Odile. It might not be the formal ending, but they still end up happy. If I were Odile, I wouldn't leave like that." His voice was soft and he lightly said, "You are mine, my prince."

Yin Li's gaze and tone were strong and arrogant but at this moment, my heart was filled with warmth.

I smiled and hugged him back.

"You are also mine, my Odile."

Niang Niang: In an effort to finish this, there will be extra releases outside the normal release time. Cheers!

Also, here's what Swan Lake's 32 fouettes looks like: