The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction Part 16

At-Risk Survivor: An Un-Fun Whirlwind Unconfirmed Personal Account Featuring weather-related machismo

1999, NEVADA Roofing vacant homes in Sun Valley was the sweetest commute imaginable. I'd wake up, make breakfast, climb a ladder, and BAM! BAM! I was at work. Two things Sun Valley has: sand and dirt. Front yards: sand and dirt. Backyards: sand and dirt. Between homes: sand and dirt. Guess what the roads are made of. Yeah. I was at work. Two things Sun Valley has: sand and dirt. Front yards: sand and dirt. Backyards: sand and dirt. Between homes: sand and dirt. Guess what the roads are made of. Yeah.

I wondered, "Has anyone ever died inside a Dust Devil?"

Dust was so prevalent that it was constantly being exchanged by dust devils. These tiny tornadoes were always wandering aimlessly about, coming tantalizingly close but never engaging me. You see, I've always been a reckless sort. Personal risk is something I will wager for the prospect of fun. My idea was simple: jump into the first devil of formidable size; not some weak little twister that could only get me dirty. I wanted a contender.

A month pa.s.sed. My Mexican helper cried out, "Miguel! Look! Look!" And there it was. A monster. My monster, with a thirty-foot footprint, rising hundreds of feet into the air, heading straight for us.

"I'm goin' in!"

To which Joaquin replied, "Nooo, Miguel, noooo." At this point I must tell you, Joaquin was a very reluctant accomplice.

Down the ladder I went, two steps at a time, and as I ran closer and heard the roar I must say I had second thoughts. But stupidity got the best of me, so eager was I to interact with this behemoth. In I rushed.

Instantly all the air was sucked out of my lungs. My eyes were filled with high-velocity sand and what little breath I could draw was just detritus from the tornado. As the twister pulled me toward its center, the feeling of being planted firmly on the ground was diminis.h.i.+ng, and something wanted my body to spin.

The violence was so intense that I wondered to myself, "Could one of these kill someone? Has anyone ever died died inside a dust devil?" When it finally released me, I went down onto my hands and knees, choking and gagging, and kissed the ground. Joaquin rushed to my side and frantically communicated that he thought I was a goner. To which I gasped, "I'd like to do that again." inside a dust devil?" When it finally released me, I went down onto my hands and knees, choking and gagging, and kissed the ground. Joaquin rushed to my side and frantically communicated that he thought I was a goner. To which I gasped, "I'd like to do that again."

My idea was simple: jump into the first devil of formidable size.

Joaquin just shook his head and muttered, "Estupido." "Estupido."

Reference: Anonymous

From dust we came, and to dust we shall return.

-Ecclesiastes 3:20 [image]

At-Risk Survivor: Medieval Mayhem Unconfirmed Personal Account Featuring explosions, weather, and women

AUGUST (VARIOUS YEARS), PENNSYLVANIA Every summer, the Society for Creative Anachronism holds a two-week-long "war" in a cornfield in Pennsylvania. The Darwin Awards team loves SCA members for their welcoming enthusiasm and their pa.s.sion for medieval history and arts both fine and martial. But in any large organization, there are always a few outliers. And at an event the size of Pennsic, which attracts over ten thousand attendees from around the world, there are bound to be some potential Darwin Award winners running around. For example: A knight fell "dead" (i.e., pa.s.sed out) on the battlefield after a minor body blow. When he came to, he revealed that his appendix had been removed just last weekend, and he was still stapled shut from surgery. Ladies, protect your fighters! Hide your knight's helmet if he intends to endanger himself.

Fighters have two neurons-one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

A woman was taken to the camp's medical facility with heat exhaustion verging on heat stroke. Attempts to lower her temperature failed. Finally the EMTs removed her clothing to apply ice. Beneath her elaborate historic dress, they found that she was wrapped neck to ankles in plastic wrap, in order to lose weight. Removing the plastic wrap brought her temperature under control. Remember: Your date wants to stroke you you, not plastic!

When the damp weather made it hard to get a campfire started, a knight suggested using a capful of white gas. His squire heard "cupful" and poured on two. The fumes became a situation. The knight, a real-life munitions expert, said, "We've got to burn it to defuse it!" He lit a piece of paper and kicked it into the pit. WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! A fourteen-foot column of white-hot fire was the result. An actor in a nearby play glanced offstage, did a double-take, and hollered, "Fire!" to the crowded theater. The mushroom cloud could be seen a mile away. The squire was restricted from using accelerants henceforth. A fourteen-foot column of white-hot fire was the result. An actor in a nearby play glanced offstage, did a double-take, and hollered, "Fire!" to the crowded theater. The mushroom cloud could be seen a mile away. The squire was restricted from using accelerants henceforth.

The munitions expert said, "We've got to burn it to defuse it!"

Reference: Wendy "Darwin" Northcutt [image]

Reader Comment

"Three reasons to love the SCA!"

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SCIENCE INTERLUDE BATTY BEHAVIOR.

By Ca.s.sandra Brooks

f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o is surprisingly rare in the animal kingdom. Humans do it, of course-though it's still illegal in some states. And bon.o.bo chimps, our close African ape relatives, do it-though really, what won't they do? But in the wee hours of the night, researchers happened upon wild female fruit bats fruit bats regularly performing f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o during mating. regularly performing f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o during mating.

Researchers in China were studying the short-nosed fruit bat, Cynopterus sphinx, Cynopterus sphinx, native to Southeast Asia. As expected, males built tent nests out of fan palms and began to court friendly females. Once a female was inside the nest, the couple groomed each other, a courts.h.i.+p behavior common in many animals. The male initiated intercourse-no surprises there-but then, to the researchers' astonishment, the lady bat bent down and began to f.e.l.l.a.t.e her mate! native to Southeast Asia. As expected, males built tent nests out of fan palms and began to court friendly females. Once a female was inside the nest, the couple groomed each other, a courts.h.i.+p behavior common in many animals. The male initiated intercourse-no surprises there-but then, to the researchers' astonishment, the lady bat bent down and began to f.e.l.l.a.t.e her mate!

Was it just a few bats treading on the wild side? After witnessing this act in the wild, the researchers observed captive animals Incredibly, 70 percent of the female bats performed f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o-and with great rewards. Frisky females received s.e.x for twice as long, doubling intercourse time from two minutes to more than four! And the males never withdrew while the lady was providing extra stimulation. After witnessing this act in the wild, the researchers observed captive animals Incredibly, 70 percent of the female bats performed f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o-and with great rewards. Frisky females received s.e.x for twice as long, doubling intercourse time from two minutes to more than four! And the males never withdrew while the lady was providing extra stimulation.

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Is this batty behavior really so rare and strange? Unfortunately the literature doesn't say. You won't find the answer in any Google Scholar search. Traditional science is reluctant to study s.e.x, but Bruce Bagemihl, an independent independent scholar and author, is not a traditional scientist. scholar and author, is not a traditional scientist.

Bagemihl scoured the scientific literature for data left out of the main findings and interviewed researchers to uncover data that was absent from the literature altogether. His book, based on ten years of avid research, rocked the reproductive biology world. Biological Exuberance: Animal s.e.xuality and Natural Diversity Biological Exuberance: Animal s.e.xuality and Natural Diversity revealed that nonbreeding behavior is common in hundreds of animals. From sheep to vampire bats, 470 species have been observed engaged in masturbation, f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o, h.o.m.os.e.xuality, or other nonbreeding s.e.xual behavior. In contrast to the short-nosed fruit bats, however, most instances were same-s.e.x encounters or experimentation between playful juveniles, and not a regular part of adult heteros.e.xual coupling. revealed that nonbreeding behavior is common in hundreds of animals. From sheep to vampire bats, 470 species have been observed engaged in masturbation, f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o, h.o.m.os.e.xuality, or other nonbreeding s.e.xual behavior. In contrast to the short-nosed fruit bats, however, most instances were same-s.e.x encounters or experimentation between playful juveniles, and not a regular part of adult heteros.e.xual coupling.

Nonreproductive s.e.x raises questions-as well as eyebrows-especially if it is commonplace. According to Darwinian evolution theory, animals are instruments for gene propagation, so why waste energy on pointless s.e.xual pursuits? Try as one might, it is difficult to ascribe any direct evolutionary benefit to "batty behavior." But if there is no reproductive benefit, why is kinky s.e.x so popular?

Primate experience might provide some insight. In the majority of human matings, there is no ostensible tie with reproduction. We have no cues to show we are ovulating, so we do it throughout a woman's reproductive cycle, we do it long after we cease being fertile, and we do it all for pleasure. Bon.o.bos aren't much different. Of their s.e.xual liaisons, 75 percent happen when the females are not fertile, lending credence to the idea that s.e.x is partly driven by pleasure. In fact, some bold researchers argue that pleasure itself provides a huge incentive to engage in s.e.x frequently (well, duh duh) and the more often an animal has s.e.x, the greater the chance that a bun is rising in the oven.

Well and good for primates, but why do do female fruit bats female fruit bats spend their precious time performing f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o? Maybe bats are doing it for fun, and maybe not. There might be more practical reasons for their oral obsession. The authors speculate that f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o might prolong mating by maintaining the erection and increasing lubrication, which in turn may facilitate sperm transport. Longer mating also keeps the male occupied and away from rival ladies. And hygiene may play a role-saliva has antimicrobial properties and may protect against diseases. Some bat species lick themselves post-coitus, presumably for this reason. spend their precious time performing f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o? Maybe bats are doing it for fun, and maybe not. There might be more practical reasons for their oral obsession. The authors speculate that f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o might prolong mating by maintaining the erection and increasing lubrication, which in turn may facilitate sperm transport. Longer mating also keeps the male occupied and away from rival ladies. And hygiene may play a role-saliva has antimicrobial properties and may protect against diseases. Some bat species lick themselves post-coitus, presumably for this reason.

There are also less obvious benefits beyond enhancing reproduction. Consider those playful bon.o.bo chimps, who will purportedly have intimate relations regardless of age, gender, location, or time. Research suggests that their "loose" behavior reduces social tensions, enhances bonding, and resolves conflicts in their large, close community. Fondling a friend helps a bon.o.bo gain access to resources ("I like your banana and I'm willing to give you f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o for it") or turn an enemy into an ally. This indirectly improves reproductive success.

Whether frisky fruit bats are fellating for social leverage, for fun, or for fecundity remains unclear. But it does provide a thought-provoking example of nonbreeding behavior in animals, and might encourage open-mindedness about the issue. Scientists will have to keep spying-in the middle of the night and in strange places-to uncover the diversity and meaning of it all. Until then, let the festivities continue.

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FURTHER READING:.

Bruce Bagemihl, Biological Exuberance: Animal h.o.m.os.e.xuality and Natural Diversity Biological Exuberance: Animal h.o.m.os.e.xuality and Natural Diversity (New York: St. Martin's Press, 1999), 768. (New York: St. Martin's Press, 1999), 768.

Frans De Waal, Bon.o.bo: The Forgotten Ape Bon.o.bo: The Forgotten Ape (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1997), 200. (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1997), 200.

Jared Diamond, Why Is s.e.x Fun?: The Evolution of Human s.e.xuality Why Is s.e.x Fun?: The Evolution of Human s.e.xuality (New York: Basic Books, 1997), 176. (New York: Basic Books, 1997), 176.

M. Tan, G. Jones, G. Zhu, J. Ye, T. Hong, et al., "f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o by Fruit Bats Prolongs Copulation Time," PLoS ONE 4 (2009), 10, http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0007595

CHAPTER 1.

DOUBLE DARWINS! TWICE AS NICE.

"Now, tell me these stories don't make you feel superior!"

-typical Fan mail

Double trouble, double delight, double dipping in the gene pool. Six astounding and rare Double Darwins and At-Risk Survivors, from a chaste cleric to a criminal caper, from upping the ante on fun to raising the stakes on a feud . . . Are you willing to risk it all and double down? double down?

Padre Baloneiro-Balloon Priest * Double Parking * Crus.h.i.+ng Debt * Low-Flying Drunks * Putting the Pain in Propane * Agua Ski Calamity [image]

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Adelir Antonio, fifty-one, was not so lucky.

Double Darwin Award Winner: Padre Baloneiro-Balloon Priest Confirmed by Darwin Featuring helium, faith, and a priest!

Priest Visits Boss

20 APRIL 2008, ATLANTIC OCEAN A Catholic priest 's audacious attempt to set a world record for cl.u.s.tered balloon flight succeeded, he set a record beyond his wildest dreams . . . The priest literally ascended to heaven on a host of helium party balloons, paying homage to Lawn Chair Larry's aerial adventure. In 1982, Larry Walters attached forty-five huge weather balloons to his lawn chair, packed a picnic lunch, and cut the tether-but instead of drifting above Los Angeles's backyard "babescape" as planned, he was rocketed into LAX air traffic lanes by the tremendous lift of the balloons. Astoundingly, Larry survived the flight, inspiring the movies Deckchair Danny Deckchair Danny, Up! Up! and Father Adelir Antonio, fifty-one. and Father Adelir Antonio, fifty-one.

Hot air balloons are actually maneuverable, by altering alt.i.tude. The wind direction tends to change as one ascends, generally toward the right in the Northern Hemisphere. A skillful pilot uses alt.i.tude adjustments to s.h.i.+ft the downwind track. By comparison, a ma.s.s of party balloons is completely at the mercy of the wind.

This priest's audacious attempt to set a world record (currently, nineteen hours ) for cl.u.s.tered balloon flight was dreamed up to publicize his plan to build spiritual rest stops for truckers. More rest stops are sorely needed, as sure as sore b.u.ms need rest. But as truckers know, sitting put for nineteen hours is no trivial matter, even in the comfort of a decked-out lawn chair.

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The priest did take numerous precautions: wearing a survival suit; packing a buoyant chair, a satellite phone, and GPS. However, the late A.A. made a fatal mistake. He did not learn how to use one important safety feature: the GPS.

Once he was well aloft the wind changed, as winds do, and he was blown inexorably toward open sea. He could have parachuted to safety while over land but chose not to. but chose not to. When the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he finally phoned for help-but rescuers were unable to determine his location, since he could not use his GPS. He struggled with the unit as the cell phone batteries dwindled and died. When the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he finally phoned for help-but rescuers were unable to determine his location, since he could not use his GPS. He struggled with the unit as the cell phone batteries dwindled and died.

Instead of a GPS, the priest let G.o.d be his guide.

Over the next few weeks, bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and beaches-indications that G.o.d had guided him straight to heaven! Ultimately the priest's body surfaced, confirming that he had indeed "paid a visit to the boss."

The kicker? It's a Double Darwin. Catholic priests take vows of celibacy and voluntarily remove themselves voluntarily remove themselves from the gene pool. The entire group earns a ma.s.s Darwin Award, so . . . Father Antonio wins twice! from the gene pool. The entire group earns a ma.s.s Darwin Award, so . . . Father Antonio wins twice!

Reference: globo.com, Sydney Morning Herald Sydney Morning Herald, a.s.sociated Press, and numerous others [image]

Reader Comments

"Don't get carried away."

"Chairway to Heaven."

"Shows the danger of relying on GPS."

"See what happens when you swear off women?"

"There but for the grace of . . ."

"One-way ticket to paradise."

"To heaven-or bust!"

"There but for the grace of Tec.u.mseh . . ."

"G.o.d's will be done!"

SCIENCE SOAPBOX: REST STOPS ARE NECESSARY AND GOODFather Adelir Antonio gave his life for a worthy cause: To halt the closure of roadside rest stops, which are urgently needed in areas with long stretches of freeway that lack commercial services. Rest stops provide a much-needed break for weary drivers, and are especially needed by truckers who transport food and merchandise across the country. They cost little to maintain and increase public safety. The closure of rest stops in Brazil was blasted by the media as unnecessary, harmful, and bad policy. Father Adelir gave his life for a laudable goal. He is a brave and s.h.i.+ning example of the good done by Catholic clergy.

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BALLOON HOAXOn October 15, 2009, the distraught parents of a six-year-old reported that their child was possibly adrift aboard a huge, homemade helium balloon that they had launched from their lawn. The silver, flying saucer-shaped dirigible was tracked by National Guard helicopters and local police as it drifted across Colorado for sixty miles. Planes were rerouted around the object's flight path and Denver International Airport was briefly shut down. The balloon finally landed after a two-hour flight-but the child was not on board.Fearing that the youth had fallen from the balloon, authorities began a comprehensive manhunt of the entire area beneath its flight path. Worldwide media followed the spectacle, which culminated hours later with the anticlimactic discovery that the child had been hiding at home the entire time!Suspicions soon arose that the incident was a hoax and publicity stunt, particularly following a family interview by Wolf Blitzer on Larry King Live. Larry King Live. The youngster, when asked the reason for hiding, turned to Dad and blurted out, "You guys said that, um, we did this for the show." The family had twice been featured in a reality TV show, and may have been eager for a third run. The youngster, when asked the reason for hiding, turned to Dad and blurted out, "You guys said that, um, we did this for the show." The family had twice been featured in a reality TV show, and may have been eager for a third run.Two months later, Dad pleaded guilty to "attempting to influence a public servant" and was sentenced to ninety days in jail and fined $36,000; Mom was sentenced to twenty weekend days in jail.Reference: Condensed from Wikipedia.org Double Darwin Award Winner: Double Parking Confirmed by Darwin Featuring macho gunmen