Mr. Punch in Bohemia - LightNovelsOnl.com
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Scene: _Fas.h.i.+onable Auction Rooms. A Picture Sale._--
_Amateur Collector_ (_after taking advice of Expert No. 1, addresses Expert No. 2_). "What do you think of the picture? I am advised to buy it. Is it not a fine t.i.tian?"
_Expert No. 2_ (_wis.h.i.+ng to please both parties_). "I don't think you can go far wrong, for anyhow, if it isn't a t.i.tian it's a repe-t.i.tion."]
ANOTHER PARCEL OF PROVERBS
If the cap fits, wear it--out.
Six of one, and half-a-dozen of the other--make exactly twelve.
None so deaf as those who won't hear--hear! hear!
Faint heart never won fair lady--nor dark one either.
Civility costs nothing--nay, is something to your credit.
The best of friends must part--their hair.
Any port in a storm--but old port preferred.
One good turn deserves another--in waltzing.
Youth at the prow and pleasure at the helm--very sea-sick.
"LEADING STRINGS."--Those of a first violin in an orchestra.
TOBACCO STOPPERS.--Men who stay to smoke.
SMOKER'S PROVERB.--It's an ill weed that blows n.o.body any good.
A _TIDY_ DRINK.--_Neat_ brandy.
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Amateur_ "_Minimus Poet_" (_who has called at the office twice a week for three months_). "Could you use a little poem of mine?"
_Editor_ (_ruthlessly determined that this shall be his final visit_).
"Oh, I think so. There are two or three broken panes of gla.s.s, and a hole in the skylight. How large is it?"]
MOTTO FOR A SUB-EDITOR.--"Aut _scissors_, aut nullus."
_To find the value of a Cook._--Divide the services rendered by the wages paid; deduct the kitchen stuff, subtract the cold meat by finding how often three policemen will go into one area, and the quotient will help you to the result.
_To find the value of a Friend._--Ask him to put his name to a bill.
_To find the value of Time._--Travel by a Bayswater omnibus.
_To find the value of Eau de Cologne._--Walk into Smithfield market.
_To find the value of Patience._--Consult Bradshaw's _Guide_ to ascertain the time of starting of a railway train.
NOTE BY A SOCIAL CYNIC.--They may abolish the "push" stroke at billiards, but they'll never do so in society.
FROM OUR OWN IRREPRESSIBLE ONE (_still dodging custody_).--_Q._ Why is a daily paper like a lamb? _A._ Because it is always folded.
[Ill.u.s.tration: DUTY BEFORE PLEASURE.--_Hostess_ (_to new Curate_). "We seem to be talking of nothing but horses, Mr. Soothern. Are you much of a sportsman?"
_Curate._ "Really, Lady Betty, I don't think I ought to say that I am. I used to collect b.u.t.terflies; but I have to give up even _that_ now!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: SHAKSPEARE ILl.u.s.tRATED
"The G.o.ds confound thee! Dost thou hold there still?"
_Antony and Cleopatra_, Act II., Sc. 5.]
"STILL WATERS."--Whiskies.
ART CRITICISM.--In too many pictures the colour is medi-ocre.
THE ADVERTISER'S PARADISE.--Puffin Island.
