Mr. Punch in Bohemia - LightNovelsOnl.com
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A MUSICAL BURGLAR.--One who breaks into a tune.
[Ill.u.s.tration: HE KNEW HIS WORK
_Proprietor of Travelling Menagerie._ "Are you used to looking after horses and other animals?"
_Applicant for Job._ "Yessir. Been used to 'orses all my life."
_P. O. T. M._ "What steps would you take if a lion got loose?"
_A. F. J._ "Good long 'uns, mister!"]
MAY BE HEARD EVERYWHERE.--"Songs without words"--a remarkable performance; but perhaps a still more wonderful feat is playing upon words.
SUBSt.i.tUTES FOR PROFANE SWEARING
(_Adapted to various Sorts and Conditions of Men_)
_Lawyer._ Tax my bill.
_Doctor._ Dash my draughts.
_Soldier_. Snap my stock.
_Parson._ Starch my surplice.
_Bricklayer._ I'll be plastered.
_Bricklayer's Labourer._ Chop my hod.
_Carpenter._ Saw me.
_Plumber and Glazier._ Solder my pipes. Smash my panes.
_Painter._ I'm daubed.
_Brewer._ I'm mashed.
_Engineer._ Burst my boiler.
_Stoker._ Souse my c.o.ke.
_Costermonger._ Rot my taturs.
_Dramatic Author._ Steal my French Dictionary.
_Actor._ I'll be hissed.
_Tailor._ Cut me out. Cook my goose.
_Linendraper._ Soil my silks. Sell me off.
_Grocer._ Squash my figs. Sand my sugar. Seize my scales.
_Baker._ Knead my dough. Scorch my m.u.f.fins.
_Auctioneer._ Knock me down.
"THE PLAYERS ARE COME!"--_First Player_ (_who has had a run of ill-luck_). I'm regularly haunted by the recollection of my losses at baccarat.
_Second Player._ Quite Shakespearian! "Banco's ghost."
SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR.--(_From the Literary Club Smoking-room._) _Cynicus._ I'm waiting till my friends are dead, in order to write my reminiscences?
_Amicus._ Ah, but remember. "_De mortuis nil nisi bonum._"
_Cynicus._ Quite so. I shall tell nothing but exceedingly good stories about them.
A CONTRADICTION.--In picture exhibitions, the observant spectator is struck by the fact that works hung on the line are too often below the mark.
A "LIGHT" REPAST.--A feast of lanterns.
[Ill.u.s.tration: R. A. GEMS.--_Fair Amateur_ (_to carpenter_). "My picture is quite hidden with that horrid ticket on it. Can't you fix it on the frame?" _Carpenter._ "Why, you'll spoil the frame, mum!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Jones._ "Do you drink between meals?"
_Smith._ "No. I eat between drinks."
_Jones._ "Which did you do last?"
_Smith._ "Drink."
