Shanghai Girls: A Novel Part 23

This freezes me in place for a moment. I've always believed they spoke to me in Sze Yup to s.h.i.+eld May from this or that, but what if they'd been doing it as an endearment, as a way of showing I was special to them?

"No!" I say as much to her as to myself "That's not how it was."

"Baba cared enough about you to criticize you. Mama cared enough about you to buy you pearl cream. She never gave me anything precious-not pearl cream, not her jade bracelet. They sent you to college. No one asked if I wanted to go! And even though you went, did you do anything with it? Look at your friend Violet. She did something, but you? No. Everyone wants to come to America for the opportunities. They came your way, but you didn't take them. You preferred to be a victim, a fu yen. But what does it matter who Baba and Mama loved more or whether or not I had the same opportunities as you? They're dead, and that was a long time ago."

But it isn't to me, and I know it isn't to May either. Just consider how our compet.i.tion for our parents' affection has been repeated in our battle for Joy. Now, after our whole lives together, we say what we truly feel. The tones of our Wu dialect rise and fall, shrill, caustic, and accusatory as we empty all the evil we've stored up on each other's heads, blaming each other for every single wrong and misfortune that's happened to us. I haven't forgotten about Sam's death and I know she hasn't either, but neither of us can help ourselves. Maybe it's easier to fight about the injustices we've carried for years than to face May's betrayal and Sam's suicide.

"Did Mama know you were pregnant?" I ask, voicing a suspicion I've harbored for years. "She loved you. She made me promise to take care of you, my moy moy, my little sister. And I have. I brought you to Angel Island, where I was humiliated. And since then I've been stuck in Chinatown, taking care of Vern, and working here in the house while you've been in Haolaiwu, going to parties, having fun, doing whatever you do with those men." Then, because I'm so angry and hurt, I say something I know I'll regret forever, but there's enough truth in it that it flies out of my mouth before I can stop it. "I had to take care of your daughter even when my own baby died."

"You've always been bitter about having to care for Joy, but you've also done everything possible to keep me away from her. When she was a baby, you left her in the apartment with Sam when I took you out for walks-"

"That wasn't the reason." (Or was it?) "Then you blamed me and everyone else for making you stay home with her. But when any of us offered to take Joy for a while, you turned us down."

"That's not true. I let you take her to film sets-"

"And then you wouldn't allow me even that happiness anymore," she says sadly. "I loved her, but she was always a burden to you. You have a daughter. I have nothing. I've lost everyone-my mother, my father, my child-"

"And I was raped by too many men to protect you!"

My sister nods as though she was expecting me to say this. "So now I get to hear about that sacrifice? Again?" She takes a breath. I can see she's trying to calm down. "You're upset. I understand that. But none of this has anything to do with what happened to Sam."

"But of course it does! Everything between us has to do with either your illegitimate child or what the monkey people did to me."

The muscles in May's neck tighten and her anger roars back, matching mine. "If you really want to talk about that night, then fine, because I've been waiting a lot of years for this. No one asked you to go out there. Mama very clearly told you to stay with me. She wanted you to be safe. You're the one she talked to in Sze Yup, whispering her love to you, as she always did, so I wouldn't understand. But I understood that she loved you enough to say loving words to you and not to me."

"You're changing the truth, like you always do, but it won't work. Mama loved you so much she faced those men alone. I couldn't let her do that. I had to help her. I had to save you." As I speak, memories of that night fill my eyes. Wherever Mama is now, is she aware of everything I sacrificed for my sister? Did Mama love me? Or had Mama in her last moments been disappointed in me one final time? But I don't have time for these questions when my sister is standing before me, her hands on her hips, her beautiful face contorted in exasperation.

"That was one night. One night out of a lifetime! How long have you used it, Pearl? How long have you used it to keep distance between you and Sam, between you and Joy? When you were in and out of consciousness, you told me some things you obviously don't remember. You said that Mama groaned when you stepped into the room with the soldiers. You said you thought she was upset because you weren't protecting me. I think you were wrong. She must have been heartbroken that you weren't saving yourself. You're a mother. You know what I say is true."

This. .h.i.ts me like a slap to my face. May's right. If Joy and I were in the same situation ....

"You think you've been brave and given up so much," May continues. I don't hear condemnation or taunting in her voice, just relentless anguish, as though she's the one who's suffered. "But really you've been a coward: afraid, weak, and uncertain all these years. Never once have you asked what else happened in the shack that night. Never once have you thought to ask me what it was like to hold Mama in my arms as she died. Did you ever once think to ask where, how, or if she was buried? Who do you think took care of that? Who do you think got us away from that shack when the sensible thing would have been to leave you behind to die?"

I don't like her questions. I like the answers that run through my mind even less.

"I was only eighteen years old," May goes on. "I was pregnant and terrified. But I pushed you in the wheelbarrow. I got you to the hospital. I saved your life, Pearl, but you're still carrying resentment and fear and blame after all these years. You believe you've sacrificed so much to take care of me, but your sacrifices have only been excuses. I'm the one who sacrificed to take care of you."

"That's a lie."

"Is it?" She pauses briefly and then says: "Have you ever once thought what life has been like for me here? To see my daughter every day but always be kept at a distance? Or do the husband-wife thing with Vern? Think about that, Pearl. He could never be a real husband."

"What are you saying?"

"That we never would have ended up here in this place that seems to have caused you so much misery if it hadn't been for you." As the fight falls from her voice, her words dig deep into me, unsettling my blood and bones. "You let one night, one terrible, tragic night, make you run and run and run. And I, as your moy moy, followed. Because I love you, and I knew you were forever damaged and would never be able to see the beauty and fortune in your life."

I close my eyes, trying to steady myself I never want to hear her voice again. I never want to see her again. "Won't you please just leave?" I beg.

But she comes right back at me. "Just answer me honestly. Would we be here in America if it hadn't been for you?"

Her question thrusts into me sharp as a knife, because so much of what she's been saying is true. But I'm still so angry and hurt that she turned Sam in that I respond with the one thing that will be most spiteful. "Absolutely not. We wouldn't be here in America if you hadn't done the husband-wife thing with some nameless boy! If you hadn't made me take your baby-"

"He wasn't nameless," May says, her voice as soft as clouds. "It was Z.G."

I thought I'd been hurt as much as I could and still survive. I was wrong.

"How could you? How could you hurt me that way? You know I loved Z.G."

"Yes, I know," she admits. "Z.G. thought it was funny-the way you stared at him during our sittings, the way you went begging to him-but I felt terrible about it."

I stagger back. Betrayal upon betrayal upon betrayal.

"This is another of your lies."

"Really? Joy saw it: Who had the red face of a peasant on the covers of China Reconstructs and whose face was painted with love?"

As she speaks, images from the past tumble through my mind: May resting her head against Z.G.'s heart as they danced, Z.G. painting every last strand of her hair, Z.G. placing peonies around her naked body ...

"I'm sorry," she says. "That was cruel. I know you've held him in your heart all these years, but that was a girlish crush from long ago. Can't you see that? Z.G. and I..." Her voice catches. "You had a lifetime with Sam. Z.G. and I had a few weeks."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I knew you had feelings for him. That's why I didn't say anything. I didn't want to hurt you."

And like that I understand what's been before me for the last twenty years. "Z.G. is Joy's father."

"Who is Z.G.?"

It's the one voice that neither my sister nor I want to hear. I turn and there's Joy, standing in the kitchen doorway, her eyes like black pebbles at the bottom of a bowl of narcissus. Her look-cold, expressionless, and unforgiving-tells me she's been listening far too long. I'm devastated by Sam's death and my sister's version of our lives, but I feel absolute horror that my daughter has heard any of this. I take two steps toward Joy but she edges away from me.

"Who is Z.G.?" she asks again.

"He is your real father," May answers, her voice gentle and filled with love. "And I am your real mother."

The three of us stand in the living room like statues. I see May and me through Joy's eyes: a mother-who has tried to teach her daughter to be filial in the Chinese way and brilliant in the American way-wearing an old nightgown, with a face red from tears, sorrow, and anger; and another mother-who has indulged her daughter with treats and exposed her to the glamour and money of Haolaiwu-looking radiant and elegant. Freed from two decades of secrets, May seems at peace, despite everything that's happened tonight. My sister and I have fought over shoes, over who's had the better life, and over who's smarter and prettier, but this time I don't have a chance. I know who will win. For so long I've wondered about my destiny. It wasn't enough for me to lose my baby son and my husband. Now the tears of the greatest loss of my life roll down my cheeks.

When Our Hair Is White I LIE ON my bed, a huge hole in my chest where my heart used to be. Destroyed, that's how I feel. I listen to May and Joy murmur together. Later, I hear raised voices and doors slam, but I don't go back out there and fight for my daughter. I don't have any fight left in me. But then maybe I never did. Maybe May was right about me. I am weak. Maybe I've always been afraid, a victim, a fu yen. May and I grew up in the same home with the same parents, and yet my sister has always been able to look out for herself She grabbed at opportunities: my willingness to take Joy, Tom Gubbins's offer of a job and what that turned into, her constant striving to go out and have fun, while I accepted the bad as merely my unlucky fate.

Later still, I hear water running in the bathroom and the toilet flush. I hear Joy opening and shutting her drawers in the linen closet. As silence finally settles over the house, my mind goes to deeper and darker places. My sister has made me think about things in a whole new way, but none of that changes what happened to Sam. I'll never forgive her for that! Except... except... maybe she was right about seeking amnesty. Maybe not voluntarily stepping forward was a dreadful mistake on Sam's and my parts, which resulted in terrible tragedy for Sam. But why hadn't May told us she was going to report us, even if it was for our own good? I know the answer too well: Sam and I were always afraid of anything new. We were afraid to leave the family and go out on our own, afraid to leave Chinatown, afraid to let our daughter become what we said we wanted her to be: American. If May had tried to tell us, we wouldn't have been able to hear her.

I know that, in the worst of my Dragon aspects, I can be stubborn and proud. Cross a female Dragon and the sky will fall. Indeed, tonight the sky has fallen, but I need to tell Joy that she is and will always be my daughter and that no matter what she feels about me or Sam or her auntie, I will love her forever and ever. I will make her understand how much she's been loved and protected and how much pride I have in her as she begins her life. I have ten thousand hopes that she'll forgive me. As for May, I don't know if I can find a way to absolve her or even if I want to. I don't know if I want to have a relations.h.i.+p with her at all, but I'm willing to give her a chance to explain everything to me again.

I should go out to the screened porch, wake them up, and do all this right now, but it's late and it's quiet out there and too much has happened on this terrible night.

"WAKE UP! Wake up! Joy is gone!"

I open my eyes to my sister shaking me. Her face is frantic. I sit up, fear pulsing through my body.

"What?"

"It's Joy. She's gone."

I'm up, out of the room, and running to the screened porch. Both beds look to me like they've been slept in. I take a breath and try to relax.

"Maybe she's gone for a walk. Maybe she went to the cemetery."

May shakes her head. Then she looks down at a piece of crumpled paper she holds in her hand. "I found this on her bed when I woke up."

May smoothes the paper and hands it to me. I begin to read: Mom, I don't know who I am anymore. I don't understand this country anymore. I hate that it killed Dad. I know you'll think I'm confused and foolish. Maybe I am, but I have to find answers. Maybe China is my real home after all. After everything Auntie May told me last night, I think I should meet my real father. Don't worry about me, Mom. I have great belief in China and everything Chairman Mao is doing for the country.

Joy I take a breath, and the pounding in my heart slows. I know that Joy can't possibly mean what she's written. She's a Tiger. It's her nature to flail and strike out, which is exactly what she's done in her note, but there's no possible way she's done what she's written here. May seems to believe it though.

"Has she really run away?" May asks when I look up from the letter.

"I'm not worried and you shouldn't be either." I'm irritated with May for starting the day with more drama when I hoped to talk things through, but I put a rea.s.suring hand on her arm, trying to keep some semblance of calm between us. "Joy was upset last night. We all were. She probably went over to the Yees' house to talk to Hazel. I bet she'll be home for breakfast."

"Pearl." My sister swallows and then inhales before continuing. "Last night Joy asked about Z.G. I told her I think he still lives in Shanghai since his magazine covers always show something about the city. I'm pretty sure that's where she's gone."

I wave off the idea. "She's not going to China to look for Z.G. She can't just get on a plane and fly to Shanghai." I tick off the reasons on my fingers, hoping logic will soothe May's concerns. "Mao took over the country eight years ago. China is closed to Westerners. The United States doesn't have diplomatic relations-"

"She could fly to Hong Kong," May cuts in haltingly. "It's a British colony. From there she could walk into China, just like Father Louie used to hire people to walk tea money in to his family in Wah Hong Village."

"Don't even think that. Joy is not a Communist. All that talk has been just that-talk."

May points to the note. "She wants to meet her real father."

But I refuse to accept what my sister is saying. "Joy doesn't have a pa.s.sport."

"Yes, she does. Don't you remember? That Joe boy helped her get one."

At that, my knees buckle. May grabs me and helps me to the bed, where we sit down. I begin to weep. "Not this. Not after Sam."

May tries to comfort me, but I'm inconsolable. It's not long before guilt takes over.

"She hasn't just gone to find her father." My words come out ragged and broken. "Her whole world has been split apart. Everything she thought she knew was wrong. She's running away from us. Her real mother ... and me."

"Don't say that. You are her real mother. Look at the letter again. She called me Auntie and you Mom. She's your daughter, not mine."

My heart throbs with grief and fear, but I grab on to one word: Mom.

May dabs away my tears. "She is your daughter," she repeats. "Now stop crying. We have to think."

May's right. I have to regain control of my emotions, and we have to figure out how to stop my daughter from making this terrible mistake.

"Joy will need a lot of money if she wants to get to China," I say thinking aloud.

May seems to understand what I mean. She's been modern for a long time and has kept her money in a bank, but Sam and I followed Father Louie's tradition of keeping our earnings nearby. We hurry to the kitchen and look under the sink for the coffee can where I keep most of my savings. It's empty. Joy's taken the money, but I don't lose hope.

"When do you think she left?" I ask. "The two of you stayed up talking-"

"Why didn't I hear her get up? Why didn't I hear her pack?"

I have these same self-recriminations, and a part of me is still angry and confused about everything I learned last night, but I say, "We can't worry about things like that right now. We have to concentrate on Joy. She can't have gone far. We can still find her."

"Yes, of course. Let's get dressed. We'll take two cars-"

"What about Vern?" Even in this moment of terror and bereavement, I can't forget my responsibilities.

"You drive to Union Station and see if she's there. I'll get Vern situated, and then I'll drive to the bus station."

But Joy isn't at the train station, and she isn't at the bus station either. May and I meet back at the house. We still don't know for sure where Joy has gone. It's hard to believe that she'll really try to go to China, but we have to act as though that's what she's doing if we're to have any chance at stopping her. May and I make a new plan. I drive to the airport, while May stays at home and makes phone calls: to the Yee family to see if Joy said anything to the girls; to the uncles on the chance she sought their advice about getting into mainland China; and to Betsy and her father in Was.h.i.+ngton to check if there's an official way to catch Joy before she leaves the country. I don't find Joy at the airport, but May receives two distressing pieces of information. First, Hazel Yee said that early this morning Joy called in tears from the airport to say she was leaving the country. Hazel didn't believe Joy and didn't ask where she was going. Second, May learned from Betsy's father that Joy can apply for and receive a visa to Hong Kong upon landing.

Since we haven't eaten, May opens two cans of Campbell's chicken noodle soup and begins to heat them on the stove. I sit at the table, watching my sister and worrying about my daughter. My beautiful, wild Joy is running headlong to the one place she shouldn't go: the People's Republic of China. But Joy-as much as she thinks she's learned about China from the movies, that boy Joe, that dumb group she joined, and whatever her professors might have taught her in Chicago-doesn't know what she's doing. She's followed her Tiger nature, acting out of anger, confusion, and misplaced enthusiasm. She's acted out of last night's pa.s.sions and confusions. As I told May, I believe that Joy's rus.h.i.+ng off to China is as much a flight from us-the two women who have fought over her from birth-as it is about finding her real father. And Joy can't possibly understand how traumatic-not to mention dangerous-finding Z.G. could be.

But if Joy can't avoid her essential nature, then I can't escape mine either. The pull of motherhood is strong. I think of my own mother and all she did to save May and me from the Green Gang and protect us from the j.a.panese. Mama may have agonized over her decision to leave my father behind, but she did it. Surely she was terrified to step into the room with the soldiers, but she didn't hesitate then either. My daughter needs me. No matter how perilous the journey or how great the risks, I have to find her. She needs to know that I'll stand by her, unconditionally, without question, whatever the situation.

A small smile comes to my lips as I realize that for once not being a U.S. citizen is going to help me. I don't have a U.S. pa.s.sport. I have only my Certificate of Ident.i.ty, which will allow me to leave this country that has never wanted me. I have some money tucked in the lining of my hat, but it isn't enough to get me to China. It will take too long to sell the cafe. I could go to the FBI and confess everything and more, say I'm a rabid Communist of the worst kind, and hope to be deported ...

May pours the soup into three bowls, and we go to Vern's room. He's pale and confused. He ignores the soup and nervously twists his bed-sheets.

"Where is Sam? Where is Joy?"

"I'm sorry, Vern. Sam died," May tells him for what I know must be the twentieth time today. "Joy has run away. Do you understand, Vern? She isn't here. She's gone to China."

"China's a bad place."

"I know," she says. "I know."

"I want Sam. I want Joy."

"Try to eat your soup," May says.

"I need to go after Joy," I announce. "Maybe I can find her in Hong Kong, but I'll go into China if I have to."

"China's a bad place," Vern repeats. "You die there."

I put my bowl on the floor. "May, can you lend me the money?"

She doesn't hesitate. "Of course, but I don't know if I have enough."

How could she when she's spent her money on clothes, jewelry, entertaining, and her fancy car? I shove those feelings aside, reminding myself that she also helped buy this house and pay for Joy's tuition ...

"I do," Vern says. "Bring me boats. Lots of boats."

May and I look at each other, not understanding.

"I need boats!"

I hand him the closest one. He takes it and throws it on the floor. The model shatters, and inside is a roll of bills held together with a rubber band.