Beautifully Broken: If You Leave Part 28

Yes, it's there, but barely.

"Maddy," I beg, one last time before I completely lose my s.h.i.+t. I can't breathe. I can't think. I press my lips to her forehead, saying her name against her skin. "G.o.d, please." I beg one more time for her.

And just like that, she opens her eyes and stares into mine.

"Gabe?" she asks groggily, her hands cupping her throat as though the effort to speak is too much.

I drag her to my chest, holding her tightly there, clutching her as my heart races, as I try to make myself believe that I didn't kill her.

Is this real? Because I never know anymore. Not at night. Not while I'm sleeping.

"I'm so sorry," I tell her raggedly, breathing into her hair. "Jesus, I'm so sorry."

It takes me a minute to realize that she's struggling to get away, her hands fumbling against my chest. Startled, I release her and she scoots away from me, like a cornered animal.

"What the f.u.c.k, Gabe?" she asks wildly, her hands still gripping her throat. "What was that?"

As I stare into her wild eyes, I see the worst possible thing I can see. Not anger, not hate, not blame.

But fear.

Of me.

And with that, I know this is real. All of this is real. Everything.

My gut clenches into a vise grip and I swallow hard, my jaw clenching, then unclenching. I can't even answer her.

She stares at me, still panicked. "Get out!" she screeches. "Just get out."

I'm stunned, frozen in place, so she moves instead, scrambling to her feet, rus.h.i.+ng for the bedroom door. I watch her run away and I do the only thing I can do because I can't let her leave like this.

Not when she doesn't understand.

She needs to understand.

I lunge across the room and grab her, holding her to me, preventing her from leaving. It's the only thing I can think of to do.

She struggles, spinning in my arms, hitting at my chest, kicking and clawing.

"Let go!" she screams, her fingernails raking across my face. "Let go!"

"Maddy, stop," I plead quickly, ignoring the burning slashes across my cheek. "Just stop. I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to explain. I swear to G.o.d I'm not going to hurt you."

She stops and stares up at me uncertainly.

"Let. Go," she demands again. "If you let go, I'll listen."

I immediately let go and she stands dead still in front of me.

"See?" I ask. "I promise you. I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to explain. G.o.d, please, Maddy."

Her eyes are hard, but they soften just slightly as I speak.

"What the f.u.c.k was that?" she demands. "Tell me right now."

"Maddy." But my voice breaks and I have to try again. "Maddy, that was... it's the part that I haven't told you. That was the bad thing. It caught me and no matter how much I try to get away from it, I can't. I'll never get away from it because I'm the bad thing now."

I'm babbling, nonsensical. But I don't know how to fix that because all I want is for her to hear me. To know what I am.

Maddy's face shudders, her eyes close, then open. "The bad thing?"

Skeptical.

Doubtful.

I try to take a breath as I nod.

"A woman in Afghanistan... afterward. She told me the bad thing had caught me. But she was wrong. I'm the bad thing, Maddy. And I shouldn't be anywhere near you. I tried to tell you. And now you know. I didn't mean to hurt you. Jesus Christ, I didn't mean to hurt you. This is why I wouldn't sleep with you. It happens when I sleep... the night terrors. They're so real and I'm not myself. I'm not myself."

I close my eyes, hating the red burning that is behind my eyelids, hating the pressure in my throat, on my heart. Hating that I can't breathe. Hating this f.u.c.king weakness.

Hating myself.

But Maddy's cool hands are on me now and they shake as her fingers brush against my face, caressing my forehead. She ducks her head and whispers into my hair.

"It's OK, Gabe. I understand. You didn't mean to hurt me. I see that now." I know she's afraid, I can see it in the way her body is shaking, the way her eyes are hooded and guarded, the way she's ever so slightly curved away from me, like she's ready to bolt at a moment's notice if need be.

But even still, in spite of her fear, she's here.

Comforting me.

"You're OK," she says again, and I'm not completely sure if she's rea.s.suring me or herself.

"But you're not," I tell her in anguish, eyeing the already purple marks on her throat. They're in the perfect shape of my hands. "Jesus Christ."

My head drops into my hands.

"Now do you see?" I ask her. My throat is so dry that it's hard to speak. "Do you see? This is why you can't sleep with me. This is why you shouldn't be with me."

She shakes her head and pulls at me, clutching, and now I'm practically sprawled in her lap. Her breathing is quick and mine is ragged as we try to calm down, as we both try to process it.

"Tell me what happened," she says bluntly. "Tell me the rest. Please. I'm trying to stay calm here, but I'm sort of freaking out. I need to understand."

A flash of the little girl's face pops into my mind, dark-eyed and terrified. All the bodies, all the blood, the smell of the burning flesh. The smoke.

Christ.

I squeeze my eyes shut, but it's all still there. It's still haunting me and I know it always will.

I open my eyes and glance at Maddy. She waits expectantly, one hand against her throat. I gulp.

"The night that our Humvee exploded," I begin roughly. "It was so dusty, dusty as f.u.c.k. We could barely see our hands in front of our faces and the darkness didn't help anything. I was talking to Brand, keeping an eye on the horizon, when a movement caught my eye. Something made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I knew it was something bad. And it was."

I pause for a second and the silence yawns between us.

"What was it?" Maddy whispers, her face pale, hesitant. She doesn't want to know, but yet she does. She needs to know and I have to tell her. She deserves that much.

I want to squeeze my eyes shut, wanting nothing more than to block the memory out, but of course I don't.

"It was a little girl. She was coming out of the shadows. I had to focus to see her face and when I did, I saw how terrified she was. And then I saw why. She had a bomb strapped to her chest."

Maddy gasps, then freezes, her hands stilled on her throat as she waits for me to continue.

"If she detonated that bomb, Maddy, I knew it would tear us all apart. I knew that, but I hesitated anyway. I didn't want to kill a kid." I pause and swallow hard.

I can hear my tongue moving against the side of my teeth because my mouth is so dry.

"I watched her for a second-only a second-waiting to see what she would do. I was frozen, Maddy. Every bit of my training was suspended in my mind, because she was just a f.u.c.king kid. I saw her little fingers holding the detonator. I saw them shaking. And I knew she didn't want to push that b.u.t.ton."

"What did you do?" Maddy asks woodenly, although I can see in her eyes that she already knows.

I swallow, the memories burning me.

"I watched her through the sight on my rifle. I yelled out for her to stop. And she looked up at me. Her eyes were begging me. Begging. Black as night and full of fear. Terror. And I knew in that second that she was more afraid of whoever strapped that bomb to her chest than she was afraid of dying. I knew she was going to do it. Her finger twitched and I pulled the trigger."

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying not to visualize my memories, trying not to remember the horrible smell in the air that night.

The blood.

"Everything exploded. Everything. I couldn't see. I couldn't feel. I couldn't think. I crawled through the smoke and the dust and when I found Mad Dog, he was dead. His legs were gone and his insides were all lying on the outside, on the ground beside him. There was so much blood. I could taste it in my mouth. I can still taste it in my mouth. Every night, over and over."

"The girl?" Maddy whispers.

"The girl... she was in pieces. I found her head. I can't get the look in her eyes out of my mind. Her eyes were still begging me to help and I couldn't. I'm never going to get away from it."

Madison stops breathing as she stares at me in horror. "Oh my G.o.d. Gabe. Why didn't you tell me about this? This is... I... it's horrible. G.o.d."

I close my eyes again.

When I do I see the girl's face again, frozen in that moment. Dark skin, dark eyes filled with fear as I shot her, right before everything exploded. Right before everything froze, keeping me there with her forever.

f.u.c.k.

Maddy still looks horrified, but her fingers are moving again, brus.h.i.+ng comfortingly against me, soothing me in spite of her horror.

"You didn't kill her, Gabe. Whoever strapped that bomb to her chest did. Not you. You did the only thing you could."

"You didn't see her face," I tell her raggedly. "But I did. Right before she exploded, she looked at me and everything froze. It was just her and me. We were connected through the lens of my rifle. She needed my help, but I shot her instead. I'll see it every night until I die. I can't forget her face."

My voice breaks and Maddy's fingers trail down my face, down my neck, over my back. Her voice spills out in broken whispers, empty words, because she can't fix me and she knows it. There's nothing she can say to fix me.

I'm the bad thing. And now she knows it.

"Gabe, this wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault." She says it over and over and over. "Gabe... G.o.d."

"G.o.d didn't have anything to do with this," I tell her wearily. "Trust me. He turned his back on that s.h.i.+t a long time ago. And I haven't told you everything yet."

Madison freezes, stricken, her fingers halting their movement on my back, her breath lingering on her lips in horror. "You haven't?"

I shake my head. "No. I haven't told you the worst part."

Maddy closes her eyes.

"The little girl was a distraction. They bombed my Humvee to distract us from what they really wanted us to see. They wanted us to see it, but not get there in enough time to stop it."

I close my eyes, trying not to see it all again. All the little bodies, all the mothers' bodies thrown over their children, all the blood. All the death.

I swallow.

Then swallow again, tasting the horror all over again.

"Taliban rebels wanted to intimidate a nearby village into supporting their insurgent movement. When nothing else worked, they rounded up most of the village's women and children and slaughtered them in front of the village men. They spared the boys... so that they could turn them into insurgents. Everything else was burned."

The bedroom is as quiet as a grave, the only noise being Maddy's harsh breaths. Her eyes are wide, her hands are clutched in her lap so tightly that her knuckles are white.

"Gabe," she says limply, but whatever else she was going to say dies on her lips. I stare into her eyes.

"I should've done my job and shot the little girl, Maddy. I shouldn't have hesitated. But because I did, hundreds of girls and women died that night. When that bomb went off, it signaled the insurgents that we were close, that it was time to slaughter those people. Letting that bomb go off gave them time to do it before we got to them. If only I'd shot the girl. It would've stopped the bomb... stopped the slaughter... stopped everything."

My voice breaks and my head drops into my hands. My eyes are burning so much that I can't hold them open anymore.

"They burned them, Maddy. They burned the bodies. They even burned the ones who weren't dead yet. I tasted their bodies in the air. I'll never forget that taste. Or the smell. Or the sounds of the fathers wailing. I've never heard men screaming like that. It was... brutal and inhumane and s.a.d.i.s.tic. And it was my fault."

I keep my eyes squeezed closed against the terrible memories. The sights, the smells, the sounds. The tiny blood-spattered hands. The burned flesh. The lifeless eyes. The horrible screams.

"I've never heard men screaming like that," I repeat limply.

I fight the urge to heave, even now, my stomach quaking as it rebels against me.

Maddy buries her face into my shoulder, stroking my back.

"It wasn't your fault," she finally says softly. "You had no way of knowing what was going on, Gabe."

I look at her painfully. "When you asked me if there was any way I could've stayed in the Rangers... this is why I couldn't. You can see now, right? I'm seriously f.u.c.ked up. I can't trust myself anymore."

Maddy's eyes are full of pain as she looks at me helplessly. "Of course you can, Gabe. I trust you."

She's so focused on everything I just told her, on how sorry she feels for me, that she has forgotten what I've just done to her. I reach out and touch the bruise forming across her throat. She flinches backward, then forces herself to remain still.