The Constant Couple Part 18

_Enter_ LADY DARLING _and_ ANGELICA.

_Lady D._ Daughter, since you have to deal with a man of so peculiar a temper, you must not think the general arts of love can secure him; you may therefore allow such a courtier some encouragement extraordinary, without reproach to your modesty.

_Ang._ I am sensible, madam, that a formal nicety makes our modesty sit awkward, and appears rather a chain to enslave, than a bracelet to adorn us; it should show, when unmolested, easy and innocent as a dove, but strong and vigorous as a falcon, when a.s.saulted.

_Lady D._ I'm afraid, daughter, you mistake Sir Harry's gaiety for dishonour.

_Ang._ Though modesty, madam, may wink, it must not sleep, when powerful enemies are abroad. I must confess, that, of all men's, I would not see Sir Harry Wildair's faults.

_Lady D._ You must certainly be mistaken, Angelica; for I'm satisfied Sir Harry's designs are only to court and marry you.

_Ang._ His pretence, perhaps, was such. Pray, madam, by what means were you made acquainted with his designs?

_Lady D._ Means, child! Why, my cousin Vizard, who, I'm sure, is your sincere friend, sent him. He brought me this letter from my cousin.

[_Gives her the Letter, which she opens._

_Ang._ Ha! Vizard!--then I'm abused in earnest--Would Sir Harry, by his instigation, fix a base affront upon me? No, I can't suspect him of so ungenteel a crime--This letter shall trace the truth. [_Aside._]--My suspicions, madam, are much cleared; and I hope to satisfy your ladys.h.i.+p in my management, when I next see Sir Harry.

_Enter_ SERVANT.

_Serv._ Madam, here's a gentleman below, calls himself Wildair.

_Lady D._ Conduct him up. [_Exit_ SERVANT.] Daughter, I won't doubt your discretion. [_Exit_ LADY DARLING.

_Enter_ SIR HARRY WILDAIR.

_Sir H._ Oh, the delights of love and Burgundy!--Madam, I have toasted your ladys.h.i.+p fifteen b.u.mpers successively, and swallowed Cupids like loches to every gla.s.s.

_Ang._ And what then, sir?

_Sir H._ Why, then, madam, the wine has got into my head, and the Cupids into my heart; and unless, by quenching quick my flame, you kindly ease the smart, I'm a lost man, madam.

_Ang._ Drunkenness, Sir Harry, is the worst pretence a gentleman can make for rudeness; for the excuse is as scandalous as the fault.

Therefore, pray consider who you are so free with, sir; a woman of condition, that can call half a dozen footmen upon occasion.

_Sir H._ Nay, madam, if you have a mind to toss me in a blanket, half a dozen chambermaids would do better service. Come, come, madam; though the wine makes me lisp, yet it has taught me to speak plainer. By all the dust of my ancient progenitors, I must this night rest in your arms.

_Ang._ Nay, then----who waits there?

_Enter_ FOOTMEN.

Take hold of that madman, and bind him.

_Sir H._ Nay, then, Burgundy's the word; slaughter will ensue. Hold--Do you know, scoundrels, that I have been drinking victorious Burgundy?

[_Draws._

_Servants._ We know you're drunk, sir.

_Sir H._ Then how have you the impudence, rascals, to a.s.sault a gentleman with a couple of flasks of courage in his head?

_Servants._ We must do as our young mistress commands us.

_Sir H._ Nay, then, have among ye, dogs! [_Throws Money among them; they scramble and take it up: he pelting them out, shuts the Door, and returns._] Rascals, poltroons!--I have charmed the dragon, and now the fruit's my own. I have put the whole army to flight; and now I'll take the general prisoner. [_Laying hold on her._

_Ang._ I conjure you, sir, by the sacred name of Honour, by your dead father's name, and the fair reputation of your mother's chast.i.ty, that you offer not the least offence. Already you have wronged me past redress.

_Sir H._ Thou art the most unaccountable creature----

_Ang._ What madness, Sir Harry, what wild dream of loose desire, could prompt you to attempt this baseness?--View me well----the brightness of my mind, methinks, should lighten outwards, and let you see your mistake in my behaviour.

_Sir H._ [_Mimicking._] Tal tidum, tidum, tal ti didi didum. A million to one, now, but this girl is just come flush from reading the Rival Queens----'Egad, I'll at her in her own cant--Oh, my Statira! Oh, my angry dear! turn thy eyes on me--behold thy beau in buskins.

_Ang._ Behold me, sir; view me with a sober thought, free from those fumes of wine that throw a mist before your sight, and you shall find that every glance from my reproaching eyes is armed with sharp resentment, and with a virtuous pride that looks dishonour dead.

_Sir H._ This is the first wh.o.r.e in heroics that I have met with.

[_Aside._] Lookye, madam, as to that slender particular of your virtue, we sha'n't quarrel about it; you may be as virtuous as any woman in England, if you please. But, pray, madam, be pleased to consider, what is this same virtue that you make such a mighty noise about--Can your virtue keep you a coach and six? No, no; your virtuous women walk on foot.--Can your virtue stake for you at picquet? No. Then what business has a woman with virtue? Come, come, madam, I offered you fifty guineas; there's a hundred----The devil!--virtuous still!--Why, it is a hundred, five score, a hundred guineas.

_Ang._ Oh, indignation! Were I a man, you durst not use me thus. But the mean, poor abuse you throw on me, reflects upon yourself: our s.e.x still strikes an awe upon the brave, and only cowards dare affront a woman.

_Sir H._ Affront! 'Sdeath, madam, a hundred guineas will set you up a bank at ba.s.set; a hundred guineas will furnish out your closet with china; a hundred guineas will give you an air of quality; a hundred guineas will buy you a rich cabinet for your billet-doux, or a fine Common Prayer Book for your virtue; a hundred guineas will buy a hundred fine things, and fine things are for fine ladies, and fine ladies are for fine gentlemen, and fine gentlemen are----'Egad, this Burgundy makes a man speak like an angel----Come, come, madam, take it, and put it to what use you please.

_Ang._ I'll use it as I would the base unworthy giver, thus---- [_Throws down the Purse, and stamps upon it._

_Sir H._ I have no mind to meddle in state affairs; but these women will make me a parliament-man in spite of my teeth, on purpose to bring in a bill against their extortion. She tramples under foot that deity which all the world adores--Oh, the blooming pride of beautiful eighteen!--Pshaw!--I'll talk to her no longer; I'll make my market with the old gentlewoman; she knows business better----[_Goes to the Door._]--Here, you, friend: pray, desire the old lady to walk in----Harkye, 'egad, madam, I'll tell your mother.

_Enter_ LADY DARLING.

_Lady D._ Well, Sir Harry, and how d'ye like my daughter, pray?

_Sir H._ Like her, madam!--Harkye, will you take it?--Why, 'faith, madam--Take the money, I say, or, 'egad, all's out.

_Ang._ All shall out--Sir, you are a scandal to the name of gentleman.

_Sir H._ With all my heart, madam--In short, madam, your daughter has used me somewhat too familiarly, though I have treated her like a woman of quality.

_Lady D._ How, sir?

_Sir H._ Why, madam, I have offered her a hundred guineas.

_Lady D._ A hundred guineas! Upon what score?

_Sir H._ Upon what score! Lord, lord, how these old women love to hear bawdy!--Why, 'faith, madam, I have never a _double entendre_ ready at present; but I suppose you know upon what score.

_Ang._ Hold, sir, stop your abusive tongue, too loose for modest ears to hear----Madam, I did before suspect, that his designs were base, now they're too plain; this knight, this mighty man of wit and humour, is made a tool to a knave--Vizard has sent him on a bully's errand, to affront a woman; but I scorn the abuse, and him that offered it.

_Lady D._ How, sir, come to affront us! D'ye know who we are, sir?