The Constant Couple Part 19

_Sir H._ Know who you are! Why, your daughter there, is Mr. Vizard's --cousin, I suppose. And for you, madam--I suppose your ladys.h.i.+p to be one of those civil, obliging, discreet old gentlewomen, who keep their visiting days for the entertainment of their presenting friends, whom they treat with imperial tea, a private room, and a pack of cards. Now I suppose you do understand me.

_Lady D._ This is beyond sufferance! But say, thou abusive man, what injury have you ever received from me, or mine, thus to engage you in this scandalous aspersion.

_Ang._ Yes, sir, what cause, what motives could induce you thus to debase yourself below your rank?

_Sir H._ Heyday! Now, dear Roxana, and you, my fair Statira, be not so very heroic in your style: Vizard's letter may resolve you, and answer all the impertinent questions you have made me.

_Lady D. and Ang._ We appeal to that.

_Sir H._ And I'll stand to't; he read it to me, and the contents were pretty plain, I thought.

_Ang._ Here, sir, peruse it, and see how much we are injured, and you deceived.

_Sir H._ [_Opening the Letter._] But hold, madam, [_To_ LADY DARLING.]

before I read I'll make some condition:--Mr. Vizard says here, that I won't scruple thirty or forty pieces. Now, madam, if you have clapped in another cypher to the account, and made it three or four hundred, 'egad I'll not stand to't.

_Lady D._ The letter, sir, shall answer you.

_Sir H._ Well then--[Reads.] _Out of my earnest inclination to serve your ladys.h.i.+p, and my cousin Angelica_--Ay, ay, the very words, I can say it by heart--_I have sent Sir Harry Wildair to_--What the devil's this?--_Sent Sir Harry Wildair to court my cousin_--He read to me quite a different thing--_He's a gentleman of great parts and fortune_--He's a son of a wh.o.r.e, and a rascal--_And would make your daughter very happy_ [Whistles.] _in a husband_.----[_Looks foolish, and hums a Song._]--Oh!

poor Sir Harry, what have thy angry stars designed?

_Ang._ Now, sir, I hope you need no instigation to redress our wrongs, since even the injury points the way.

_Lady D._ Think, sir, that our blood for many generations has run in the purest channel of unsullied honour.

_Sir H._ Ay, madam. [_Bows to her._

_Ang._ Consider what a tender flower is woman's reputation, which the least air of foul detraction blasts.

_Sir H._ Yes, madam. [_Bows to the other._

_Lady D._ Call then to mind your rude and scandalous behaviour.

_Sir H._ Right, madam. [_Bows again._

_Ang._ Remember the base price you offered me. [_Exit._

_Sir H._ Very true, madam. Was ever man so catechized?

_Lady D._ And think that Vizard,--villain Vizard,--caused all this, yet lives: that's all: farewell.

_Sir H._ Stay, madam, [_To_ LADY DARLING.] one word; is there no other way to redress your wrongs, but by fighting?

_Lady D._ Only one, sir; which, if you can think of, you may do: you know the business I entertained you for.

_Sir H._ I understand you, madam. [_Exit_ LADY DARLING.] Here am I brought to a very pretty dilemma. I must commit murder, or commit matrimony; which is the best now? a license from Doctors' Commons, or a sentence from the Old Bailey?--If I kill my man, the law hangs me; if I marry my woman, I shall hang myself.----But, d.a.m.n it--cowards dare fight:--I'll marry, that's the most daring action of the two. [_Exit._

SCENE II.

_Newgate._

CLINCHER SENIOR, _solus_.

_Clinch. sen._ How severe and melancholy are Newgate reflections! Last week my father died; yesterday I turned beau; to-day I am laid by the heels, and to-morrow shall be hung by the neck.----I was agreeing with a bookseller about printing an account of my journey through France and Italy; but now the history of my travels must be through Holborn, to Tyburn.--"The last dying speech of Beau Clincher, that was going to the Jubilee--Come, a halfpenny a-piece."--A sad sound, a sad sound, 'faith!

'Tis one way to make a man's death make a great noise in the world.

_Enter_ TOM ERRAND.

A reprieve! a reprieve! thou dear, dear--d.a.m.ned rogue. Where have you been? Thou art the most welcome--son of a wh.o.r.e; where's my clothes?

_Tom._ Sir, I see where mine are. Come, sir, strip, sir, strip.

_Clinch. sen._ Sir, you cannot master me, for I am twenty thousand strong. [_Exeunt, struggling._

SCENE III.

LADY DARLING'S _House_.

_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR, _with Cards_; SERVANTS _following_.

_Sir H._ Here, fly all around, and bear these as directed; you to Westminster, you to St. James's, and you into the city. Tell all my friends, a bridegroom's joy invites their presence. Tell them, I am married. If any ask to whom, make no reply; but tell them, that I am married; that joy shall crown the day, and love the night. Begone, fly.

_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.

A thousand welcomes, friend; my pleasure's now complete, since I can share it with my friend: brisk joy shall bound from me to you; then back again; and, like the sun, grow warmer by reflection.

_Colonel S._ You are always pleasant, Sir Harry; but this transcends yourself: whence proceeds it?

_Sir H._ Canst thou not guess, my friend? Whence flows all earthly joy?

What is the life of man, and soul of pleasure? Woman.----What fires the heart with transport, and the soul with raptures?--Lovely woman----What is the master-stroke and smile of the creation, but charming, virtuous woman?--Methinks, my friend, you relish not my joy. What is the cause?

_Colonel S._ Canst thou not guess?--What is the bane of man, and scourge of life, but woman?--What is the heathenish idol man sets up, and is d.a.m.ned for wors.h.i.+pping? Treacherous woman.--Woman, whose composition inverts humanity; their bodies heavenly, but their souls are clay.

_Sir H._ Come, come, colonel, this is too much: I know your wrongs received from Lurewell may excuse your resentment against her. But it is unpardonable to charge the failings of a single woman upon the whole s.e.x. I have found one, whose virtues----

_Colonel S._ So have I, Sir Harry; I have found one whose pride's above yielding to a prince. And if lying, dissembling, perjury, and falsehood, be no breaches in a woman's honour, she is as innocent as infancy.

_Sir H._ Well, colonel, I find your opinion grows stronger by opposition; I shall now, therefore, wave the argument, and only beg you for this day to make a show of complaisance at least.--Here comes my charming bride.

_Enter_ LADY DARLING _and_ ANGELICA.

_Colonel S._ [_Saluting_ ANGELICA.] I wish you, madam, all the joys of love and fortune.

_Enter_ CLINCHER JUNIOR.