Unworthy Part 14

He answers after two rings and his face instantly changes.

"What's wrong?"

"Are you sure?"

He listens intently for a few minutes before he speaks again.

"f.u.c.k. You're at the hotel?"

"We'll be there in twenty minutes." He puts his phone back into his pocket and then looks towards Samuel, to me, then back to Samuel again.

"What's wrong, Dad?"

"We need to get to the hotel. Your pictures are splashed all over the newspapers."

"f.u.c.k." Samuel shouts as his fingers graze the stubble over his chin. I just sit there in complete panic going back over what our conversation was about before the call to what are the headlines that have everyone in a state could be about. They can't know my past, can they? My mother or stepfather couldn't have spoken to the papers. I can feel the panic engulf my body as I watch helplessly as both older men get their coats and attempt to put them on. Samuel's eyes stay on me as if he is trying to find out what is going on inside my head. Even I don't know what is going on inside my own head apart from the confusion that is overtaking me "We need to see Michael and do damage control. G.o.d knows what they've printed." Samuel's father looks towards him, waiting for an answer.

"Are you coming?" He asks, almost annoyed.

"You go on, I'm just going to talk to Grace." He says and his father and uncle leave us on our own as I try to take back some control over my emotions.

"Are you OK?"

"What's going on, Samuel?"

"All you need to know is that I love you." He's never said that to me before and as much as I have felt it towards him I guess I never thought he would feel it back. The lost little girl I once was still lives inside my head and is always there in the background reminding me of all my flaws and how anyone who was supposed to love me left me on my own. The panic begins to build up as I think of another person telling me they love me, but leaving me high and dry in the end and I suddenly get the urge to use my band again, even though I have managed to suppress the need that speaks to me we such intensity I can't ignore it. My fingers reach down to my hand and pull the band as far as it goes and then let go and the pain it brings makes me feel a little better, but nowhere near as good as normal. What's wrong with me that my normal coping mechanism doesn't have the same effect any longer? I can feel the bile begin to rise up my throat as the walls around me begin to close in, making it harder and harder to breathe.

"Grace, look at me."

"GRACE"

"Grace, come on, baby." I can hear Samuel's worried voice in the distance of my mind, reaching out for me, trying to calm me, but it is no use. I am in a trance of my own making and I can see no way out. I am aware of an arm around me, leading me through a building and like a puppet on her strings I just follow. All I can think about are my mother's words as I had grown up.

"This is all your fault."

"You worthless piece of s.h.i.+t."

"I hate you, we hate you. Even your father couldn't stand to be near you."

"He left us because of you.

"We live like this because of you. YOU, GRACE."

"You won't amount to anything, you're useless."

"I wish I never had you, I hate you, you're worthless." The words keep going over and over in my head, never giving me a moment's peace as if I am in an endless river of my own despair. I keep going forward with no end in sight and I feel so angry at myself and the world. I just want this joyride to end, but I can see no end in sight and the despair at that realization stops my feet beneath me. That action seems to bring me back to the now and I can feel myself against Samuel's hard chest. He looks down at me and then leads me through to his car. He settles me in my seat and puts my seatbelt around me, securing me in place before going around and doing the same to himself. I don't look at him, I just watch New York City pa.s.s us by as he leaves light touches on my hand that settles on the seat between us. As we get closer to where I know the Harding Hotel is I can see the sea of people waiting for something. They have cameras and microphones in their hands and they all look so overwhelming.

"Just breathe Grace, it will be ok." I can hear what he says, but I don't think I really allow myself to understand what the words mean. As soon as the car stops in front of all the people I can see flashes consume them, eating them up within the bright sea of light. I can sense Samuel look towards me as he leans in to my ear where I feel his breath tickle my skin.

"You're going to have to get out this side." All I do is nod my confirmation as I continue to look at the madness outside.

"It will be alright. I've got you." Just then, the door to the car opens and an array of shouts are greeting us. Samuel gets out and leans in to take my hand as he helps me to get out. As soon as the air touches my cheeks the flashes of cameras seem to get worse. The shouting of the people around us gets much worse as we begin to make our way through the people. It's scary and confusing with each bulb flash or with every question shouted at us.

"What do the two of you have to say?"

"Mr. Harding, how can you still be with her?"

"Miss Ford, what do you have to say about your wonderful past?"

"What will happen to your business, Mr. Harding?" The driver of the car takes complete control in getting us through all the people and their questions. I try not to listen to them, but they all seem to be pus.h.i.+ng and pulling each other to get closer to us. I can feel the odd person b.u.mp into me or try to pull me away from Samuel, but he keeps me close to him and he just follows his driver as quickly as he can. Soon I manage to see the entrance to the hotel, but just as we get there it appears that the worst of the people are there waiting for us.

"Miss Ford, what do you say to those who think you are a s.l.u.t?"

"A baby, Mr. Harding, what must you think?"

"How can you be sure she won't call rape again, Mr. Harding?"

I try not to listen, but as their questions get worse it gets harder to ignore as I realize that my secret is probably out. Samuel and his family will think the worst of me, all these people just as the ones back home have already condemned me as a witch. No-one will care that none of it is true, that it was all taken out of context by the one person who was supposed to help and protect me. Samuel helps me go up the stairs and as we reach the last one we are greeted by a member of hotel staff who is at the door opening it for us so we can dive into the comfort and protection the hotel lobby has to offer us. As soon as we step in the cold air of the conditioning is an instant relief for the heat that was surrounding us from not only the effect of late summer in this city, but of the people outside as well.

"What's happened?" Samuel asks while still having a strong hold of me. I watch as his father and uncle step towards us with another man I have never met before. They are all holding newspapers, and when the younger gentleman comes closer to us he hands us each a selection. My world stops turning as I go through each newspaper and I can't believe what I can see. Everything I have ever tried to forget about myself is staring me back in the face and what's worse the one man I love, the man I want to have a future with, now knows all my horrible secrets. I hate myself, I hate my life and everything it represents and I need to get away and so I do the only thing I am good at. I run away.

CHAPTER TWENTY NINE.

GRACE.

I close and lock the door to my f.u.c.ked-up world while I hear the familiar words in my head.

"Do it, you know you want to."

"The release will make you feel better."

"You know where you can find it, just do it."

They hate me, the whole world hates me, and it's all thanks to my stupid past. A past I have so desperately tried to overcome, but to no avail. I thought it was getting better, I thought by moving away from Taunton I could put my past behind me, but it keeps rearing its ugly head, tearing my new world up into tiny little pieces. The one good thing I have and it's being ripped away from me. I look down at all the newspapers and all the front covers are covered with pictures of me and Samuel with the most horrid headlines.

"You know what you want to do."

"You know what you need to do."

"Do it, just do it." I wipe away my tears and try to drown out the voice in my head as I try to concentrate on the headlines in front of me.

SAMUEL HARDING'S NEW s.l.u.t.

It has been brought to our attention and the attention of other publications across the world that one of the most eligible bachelors of the world has been taken off the market by none other than a woman who works in a bar where the employees work in nothing but underwear and dance, strip for money. As with everyone else around the world we are left thinking why?

WILL MOMMY AND DADDY BE PROUD?.

What will the Harding Family think of their only son's new choice of woman? This young man has his family's destiny on his young shoulders and a workforce that will depend on him making the right choices so they can feed their families... He needs a woman to help him make those decisions and looking at these pictures I and my team highly doubt this Grace Ford will offer the support he will need.

SHE SCREAMED RAPE.

We've found out that she had a s.e.xual affair with her stepbrother at the age of fourteen. The young man in question has said that Harding's new girl forced him to give up his virginity. She never used protection so two months later she found out she was pregnant and decided to throw her boyfriend to the dogs. She told her mother, Mrs. Ford, that her stepbrother had raped her. What have the Harding's got themselves into?

WATCH OUT, MR HARDING, YOU COULD BE NEXT.

Let's be honest, while looking at this woman's track record she is bound to pull the same thing on Mr. Harding. We can only hope that he is smart enough to get rid of her before the witch can destroy him and his family.

WHAT DOES HE SEE IN HER?.

Considering who he has been seen with before why is he with her? Let's be honest she is very pretty, but she is nothing special, she's very ordinary.

FAT, UGLY AND POOR.

What does he see in her?

She nothing special to look at I looked at all those words, all the words that have been said to me, all the words I myself have thought as I pull and release at my band. The hurt I inflict on my wrist does nothing to lessen the hatred I have for myself, it normally works, but not today.

"It won't help, you know what you need."

"Get it, go on, get it."

"Release all the hatred, it's the only way."

Today the hatred is so bad that nothing can help me, nothing can bring me out of the hurt I feel at myself. The hatred I feel at the world for not allowing me to succeed in at least something. I want to do it, I know I have the strength within myself to do it, but my family had to go ruin it for me. They couldn't let me have the happiness that I deserve. I tried, I've really tried and I can't do it, they won't let me do it. I failed, I failed at the one job I was sure I could do. To better my life. I mean I had a b.l.o.o.d.y plan and it's gone to s.h.i.+t.

"Go get it, go get it, make it all better."

My mother was right, I can't do anything right, I'm useless, worthless. I love a man who won't want to touch me now that I have given him and his family bad press.

What's the point?

Who will miss me?

No-one.

No-one will miss me.

"You're right, you know you're right, just go get it and make everyone happy."

My mother was right; I'm just a worthless piece of s.h.i.+t.

I'm a waste of life.

I'm all alone and no-one will miss me.

"Go get it, go get a knife."

At this point I'm so fazed and angry at myself that I listen to the sounds in my head and I go straight for the kitchen drawer that's on the side of Samuel's apartment and go for the sharpest knife he owns. The silver instrument looks so inviting, I could do it, just slice the knife along the vein on the inside of my arm.

"Do it, do it."

"No-one wants you, you're worthless."

I place the tip at my wrist and I watch the way the silver looks against my pale skin. I should do it, I'm no use to anyone, I may as well do the world a favor and end it now before I can do any more damage.

"Do it, just b.l.o.o.d.y do it."

"It will make everything better."

I don't want to hurt anymore, I just want it to end, and I don't want to feel worthless anymore. I'm tired, I'm so tired of the way my life is going. I can feel all my tears pouring down my face as I find it so hard to control my emotions. I push the tip of the knife into my skin just as I can hear the banging on the door.

"Grace!"

"Go on, do it, you stupid b.i.t.c.h. You don't want to hurt him any further."

I try to drown out the voice in my head, but she is so loud confirming everything I have ever felt. She's tempting me to do it, reminding me of the release I can get out of doing what she says. There's so much noise and my head and heart both hurt with everything they are trying to digest and in the background I can just make out Samuel's scared voice.

"Grace, open the door."

"Grace."

"f.u.c.king open the door, Grace!"

The banging is getting loader and I can hear and feel the vibrations coming through the door. I'm messing him around, I've messed him up and I am so embarra.s.sed. I fall to the floor, resting my back against the unit, still clutching the knife in my hand. My best friend, this knife is my best friend and I'm going to use it to make it all better. I have to make it all better; I can't live like this any more.

"That's right, just do it now, before he opens the door."

"Grace!"

"Grace! f.u.c.king open this door right now!"

"Grace!"

"Grace!"

I push the blade a little further into my skin till I can see blood pool at the side and try to break it through the skin on my back of my arm just as the door bangs open. The voice has left me, leaving me now all on my own just as I push the tip in a little further. Just as I see a little more blood I can see Samuel kneel before me as I feel his hands around my own.

"Grace, look at me."

"Grace, please look at me." I can't seem to stop my shaking and my whole body just seems so cold.

"Grace, can I have the knife please."