Her. Part 31

"I think that everything is going to be okay," Daniel said to our group.

Our group was doing dialectical behavior therapy. Dr. Bent called it DBT Skills Group.

Dr. Bent smiled and nodded in approval. "What about your father?" she asked him.

Daniel continued to smile. He said, "Finally, he's moving away. My mother got their divorce settled."

I saw the happiness in his eyes. Dr. Bent put her hands together, as if she were praying. She smiled and said, "Good for you. Good for you and your mother."

"It is what's best for the both of us," he said. "Things are going to be better. She has a job now, and my father won't be there, making life harder for us. I told Mom that I will do my part, too. I'm going to finish school and get a job to help her. She is doing what she has to do to take care of us, so I have to do what I'm supposed to. All we can do is try."

"Good," Dr. Bent said. "That is very good, Daniel. Without trying, you would not have gotten this far. You have come a long way. Remember to use your DBT Skills modules and Coping Skills methods every day when you are out of here to stay on track. Do you remember what the DBT Skills modules include?"

Daniel answered, "Mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness."

"That's right," Dr. Bent commended Daniel. "Mindfulness is designed to teach you how to focus your mind and attention on everyday matters. Distress tolerance focuses on accepting your situations. It helps you find ways to survive and tolerate those stressful moments that arise, without involving yourself in difficult behaviors such as getting overly angry and acting out on it. Emotion regulation skills help you learn to identify and label your current emotions, identify your challenges to changing emotions, reduce emotional reactivity, and increase positive emotions. Of course, using your interpersonal effectiveness skills teaches you effective strategies when asking for what you need, and it helps you to cope with interpersonal conflict."

"I feel like I've done most of that," Daniel admitted. "It's going to be more challenging to put those skills into action when I'm at home. Now that I know what I have to do, it's going to be different to see the changes. It is easier in here with you all beside me."

"You're moving forward, Daniel," Dr. Bent a.s.sured him. "That's just how it is when you make great changes."

"I'll do my best," Daniel said.

"Good, Daniel. You've worked so hard, and have come such a long way. Do your best. You owe it to yourself, and you deserve it," Dr. Bent said with an encouraging smile. She seemed to be very impressed with Daniel. I knew that I was impressed with him.

Daniel was real. He was better, and it seemed like he would be getting out of here soon. I wanted to feel real. I wanted to be better. For Daniel, it had been three weeks of working it out in therapy at Bent Creek, and some work from his mother. She'd had to make a move that was best for the both of them so that things could get better. For me, it frightened me to think of what it would take, and how long, for me to get better.

Daniel's mother worked with him in therapy, and she must have listened to what Dr. Finch had told her to do to make things better for her and Daniel. That's why it was getting better for them. That's why Daniel was better. She was his mother, and she took care of him.

My mother wanted me to do this for her, Nick, and Alison. I was the one with the problem, and I had to fix it. It was all on me. I was the one with Borderline Personality Disorder. How could I fix it on my own?

"Why are you here?" I asked Daniel. We were alone after dinner, sitting across from each other on the main unit.

The main unit was calm. The only sounds I heard were from the television. Prime time dramas were on, and Tai was into the detective mysteries. She and a few others were watching a modernized Sherlock Holmes drama. Janine and Mena were out of sight. Everyone was in their own place and doing their own thing. Daniel and I were the only ones at the table together.

I wanted to take advantage of the privacy that Daniel and I had by talking to him and getting to know him better. I looked into Daniel's eyes. I wasn't afraid to talk to him anymore.

"Did you try to kill yourself?" I asked.

He was sketching on a notepad. He didn't pay me attention until I reached across the table and gently touched his arm. Daniel put his pencil down and stared at his sketch. The way his eyes suddenly shot up at me was intimidating and attractive.

He took a deep breath and said, "Are you sure you want to have this conversation?"

"I only asked a question," I said. "You don't have to -"

"No," he said, "I didn't try to kill myself. And I didn't do a cry-for-help kind of thing. I just had a nervous breakdown or something."

"Why? I mean..." I didn't know exactly what to say without sounding like an idiot. "What made you break down? Was it your father?"

"Everything just hit me all at one time," he admitted. "When my father was sent away to jail, my mother made promises that she didn't keep. She promised to take care of us. But when my father came back, she was sidetracked. Everything became about him. He hated me. Then my best friend and I were going to run away. She was having problems at home, too. It seemed like a perfect plan, but when it came time to go, I couldn't do it. I didn't want to leave my mom with him."

"Were you sad because you decided to stay?"

He shook his head and said, "It's good that I stayed. It's just..."

"It's just what?"

"I miss her." His eyes welled with tears.

"Who? Your mom?" I asked.

"The girl in the drawing that you stole from me," he said. He smiled slightly. "Her name was Theresa. We were going to run away together. The day that we were going to leave, my father went crazy on my mom, and I knew I couldn't leave her with him. I decided to stay to help her. Theresa couldn't understand that. We got into a huge argument, and she just left. I didn't think that she would really leave without me, so I didn't try to stop her."

"You haven't seen her since?" I asked him.

A single tear fell out of his eye. He said, "They found her car off the side of the road with her in it. She wasn't breathing. So..."

"I'm so sorry, Daniel."

"Yeah," he sighed. "Me too. She didn't believe in what I believed. I blamed myself for everything. I felt like it was my fault, because I didn't stop her or run away with her. But I know now that it's not my fault. Even if I had run away, the problems would have still been there. My father would probably have killed my mother. Theresa probably would have still killed herself, and I probably would have done it, too."

"Were you scared?"

"At first I was. When I first got here, I thought I was being punished. Now I see what being a survivor really is. It's not giving up. It's not running away. It's getting through whatever it is you have to get through to make it. It is allowing you to grow stronger for whatever is coming next. It is being brave and choosing to live through it all so that you can share your story and help others. That's what a survivor does. I don't want to run away anymore. I just want to live and make things better. My mom wants to do the same. I tell you, Kristen, Bent Creek may seem like the worst place to be right now, but you'll see. It's not."

He looked straight into my eyes and said, "I've watched you."

My heart started beating fast. He grabbed my hand gently and looked down at my bandaged wrists. His fingers traced the fresh tape that Ms. Mosley had used for the bandages when she'd changed them this morning. I closed my eyes and let myself feel this moment between us.

"You seem so sad and regretful. You can't just let it out, can you?"

I shook my head. My eyes were still closed. I felt tears begin to well up in them. There were no words to describe that moment. His words and the feelings inside of me were just too much. The tears poured out from underneath my eyelids. He squeezed my hands. I jolted, not afraid, just feeling too much.

"Open your eyes," he said.

I did open my eyes, and his large, beautiful eyes stared into mine.

"You know how the old people in here always have something to say to us? And when they talk, they think they know everything. You know?" He chuckled a little. Then his smile disappeared.

"There are things I keep hearing over and over that I do believe, though. They sound oldfas.h.i.+oned, and they are definitely cliche. But remember this, Kristen," he told me with his seriously pa.s.sionate stare. "This too shall pa.s.s, and what doesn't kill you will make you stronger." He paused. "If you let it. Keep your head up and your eyes open. That's how you will survive. If what you go through doesn't kill you, let it make you stronger."

CHAPTER 37.

It was obvious that Daniel was going home. He didn't say anything to us about leaving during breakfast the next day, but I already knew he was leaving, since we'd talked the night before. Daniel had left me with a powerful feeling inside. It was a feeling that I wished to keep with me forever. I almost wanted to be him, just so that I could know what it was like to be that strong and be a survivor.

After our last group of the day, Daniel's mother and his grandmother came for him. Daniel didn't talk much in our group meetings that day. He didn't really say much to any of us. He may have felt bad for having to leave, while we were still stuck inside. However, I knew that he was happy to be leaving.

"Have a cigarette for the both of us. Okay?" Tai requested. She punched his chest playfully.

He rubbed the spot where she'd punched. "I'll have two as soon as I get out of here. One for you and one for me," he a.s.sured her.

When she smiled, he wrapped his arms around her, and they hugged. Tai was blus.h.i.+ng as he pulled away from her. Moving on, Daniel said goodbye to a few other people.

When he came over to say goodbye to me, I looked away from his eyes. I put my head down, and closed my eyes. He gently placed his fingers under my chin, and lifted my head up so that I could look him in the eyes.

"Always keep your eyes open and head up," he told me.

His sweet smile made me feel warm inside. He leaned in slowly, and, for a moment, I didn't know what to do with my hands or my arms; my body wouldn't move. He wrapped both of his arms around me and squeezed me gently. I closed my eyes and hugged him back. Squeezing a little tighter, I took in that moment. I wanted to remember that good feeling for the rest of my life.

Daniel pulled away from me, and gave me one last smile before turning and walking away. He now stood between his grandmother and mother, who were waiting for him by the exit door with Dr. Finch.

I sighed, still holding onto our moment. Mena then walked onto the unit with Dr. Pelchat. They must have just had a session. Dr. Pelchat looked irritated and tired. Mena looked angry, like she always did. Janine suddenly appeared out of nowhere, running over to me. She asked me something, but I didn't understand her clearly.

"What did you say?" I asked her.

Dr. Finch used his key to open the exit door. Hearing the door open, Janine turned to see what was going on. She saw Daniel about to leave, and quickly ran over to him. He saw her and dropped his bags without hesitation.

"Oh, my G.o.d! Janine!" he exclaimed. "I thought I'd miss you!"

Daniel grabbed her in his arms, and they squeezed each other tightly. Janine was crying.

"Daniel, we have to go," his mother pushed. She picked up the bags he had dropped.

Daniel didn't let go, because Janine wasn't letting go of him. She slipped a folded piece of paper into the back pocket of his jeans. She whispered in his ear. A pain went through my chest. What did she say to him to make him close his eyes and smile that way? He was smiling in that convincing way. When he pulled back to look her in the eyes, I noticed that his eyes were amazingly aglow. Daniel's eyes seemed to be radiating some kind of affection as he looked down at Janine. I did not understand that look.

She must have whispered to him her permission to move, because without hesitating, he had moved. Their lips were pressing so pa.s.sionately together. First, it was a gentle peck. Then her tongue was in his mouth, and his lips were over her bottom lip.

My mind seemed to suck me back into a place where I couldn't get out.

Where was I?

I was in the doorway of my bedroom at our new home. This home was the place that we had moved to after Jack was arrested, and Mom had sold our old house. The house where the terrible things had happened was gone. It was no longer our nightmare since we had moved out of there and into our new house. This new home was a part of our family's new beginning.

Lexus came over to help me paint my new bedroom. She was staying over at my house for the weekend. John came over to help me paint, too, when he learned that Lexus was visiting. Lexus had that kind of effect on people. People liked to be around her. Lexus was beautiful. She was interesting. She wasn't complicated. She was likeable and lovable. She was...she was...nothing like me.

We decided to paint as much of my room as we could on the first day. The walls were originally a sickening shade of green. I wanted all of the walls painted black. Our goal was to try to finish painting by Sat.u.r.day because we were going to celebrate Lexus' high school graduation on that Sunday. Lexus suggested that we include John because he was also graduating high school that year.

The whole weekend was fun with the three of us painting and celebrating. Lexus was helpful and kept the mood light with her cheerfulness. John was charming and fun to be around because he was just simply wonderful as is.

While we painted my bedroom, I listened to Lexus and John talk about what colleges they were going to attend in the upcoming year. They argued about the politics of going to a State University versus a College. I decided to step out of the room to grab sodas for the three of us. When I returned to the room, I was in high spirits. I wanted to hear more about their plans and ask them questions about what it was like to be finished with high school.

However, at that moment, I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I couldn't understand anything.

John's arms were wrapped around Lexus' perfectly slim waist. Her hair was swept up in a high ponytail, and she had little drops of paint in it. His dried-paint-covered hands were greedily rubbing all over her neck, her shoulders, and her back. I heard Lexus moaning as John hungrily kissed her from her lips to her neck and shoulders. I just stood in the doorway of my bedroom, silent and still, while watching in disbelief and heartache. They didn't even notice that I was there.

I had backed away from the open doorway and stood in the hallway. I tried to get my thoughts together. I wiped away my tears. With a sick feeling still in my chest, I walked into the room and slammed the door behind me. I made sure I slammed it hard enough for the both of them to know I was there.

Lexus and John were startled. They backed away from each other. Lexus sighed in relief when she saw that it was only me. John looked at me and, when our eyes met, he blushed. I looked at Lexus.

She said with a smile, "Kristen, your room is coming along nicely. Don't you think?"

I walked toward them and looked around the room. With a forced smile, I nodded in agreement. Lexus was glowing, and so was John. They didn't look nervous at all. I couldn't understand it. I was sure that I would never understand.

"What? Did you want it to be you?" Mena said to me.

I looked up. I was back in Bent Creek, and standing on the main unit. Mena stood directly in front of me, blocking my view of Daniel and Janine. Then it hit me. She wasn't smiling, nor was she joking. She was serious.

She said, "Don't go cutting your wrists up over that," and walked away.

When Mena was out of my way, I saw that Daniel was gone. The exit door was closed, and Dr. Pelchat was coming towards me. I wanted to say something to Mena. Angrily, I started to walk towards her, but Dr. Pelchat called out to me. I stopped in place.

Approaching me, he said, "I just wanted to remind you to read over that book I gave you."

"I will, Dr. Pelchat," I a.s.sured him.

"Good," he said. "I've scheduled your test for Tuesday." He walked away.

I stood there, staring at the exit doors. Daniel was gone. Janine was gone. Mena was gone. She had asked if I wanted it to be me. That question felt like it could have destroyed me if I had an answer for it. Did I want it to be me? Did I want Daniel to kiss me?

I'd wanted John to kiss me. I'd wanted him to move towards me, but he'd never moved. Everyone had been happy when Lexus and John had announced that they were dating. Mom was happy for them, their parents were happy for them, and all of their friends were happy for them. Everyone was happy for them except me. It was okay for them to kiss in front of everyone, just like Daniel and Janine did. They didn't have to hide or keep it a secret. They were glowing, and they were free. I didn't know what that felt like. I didn't know what it was like to be kissed and set free.

When I returned to my bedroom, I felt relieved. I let my face hit my pillow, and I just lay on the bed, on my stomach. I stared at the silver b.u.t.terfly pendant that I had sneaked into Bent Creek so that Mr. Sharp could stay with me. I twisted it between my fingertips. Mr. Sharp spoke to me through those sharp wings. He felt my pain. He liked it when I was this way, so that he could give me attention.

I couldn't do it. Not here. Not in the room on the bed where, at any moment, a counselor could walk in and see me, and then go write about it in my chart. That would set me back. So, I lay there in pain. I let the pain shoot from my mind, down my back, and to the metal ball that turned tirelessly in my chest.

My mind ran back and forth from Janine and Daniel to John and Lexus. Then to how useless, ugly, and terrible I was. Tears fell hard onto my pillow. All I could do was cry, because it hurt too badly to move. I wanted Mr. Sharp. He watched me with tears in his eyes.

It's so much better to cut. It feels less painful than this. One cut, that's all you need. You need to breathe. Bleed so that you can breathe.

He told me this repeatedly, but I wouldn't do it. I couldn't take a chance on being set back. I lay as still as possible, and let the metal ball turn in my chest. The pain made the tears fall harder. My mind would not stop. It wouldn't let me quit thinking about what a horrible person I was. Everything I was putting my family through, why John hated me so much, why Lexus didn't answer her phone the night that I had found the letter Jack had written, when I'd needed someone to talk to and only Mr. Sharp had been there, and what a useless person I was. I could never be a survivor the way that Daniel had described.

I put all my pain on other people. That was why he never moved. That was why I had all of that pain inside of me. I stared at Mr. Sharp, who was only my age, but made me call him Mister because he knew so much more about life than I did. He knew the past, and he knew the future. That's why he hated it when I denied him. I denied him, and let my tears fall until I couldn't feel or see him anymore.

CHAPTER 38.

I woke up, startled by a loud thud that came from the other side of the room. I opened my eyes and all of the lights were out. I couldn't see what was going on. I called out for Janine, but she didn't answer. I sat up, feeling dizzy, and I turned on the lamp beside my bed. I had to let my eyes adjust for a minute. When I could see clearly, I didn't see Janine in her bed. Where was the noise coming from? I saw that the bathroom light was on.