The Internet Is A Playground Part 30

As for being ugly, I am actually extremely attractive, with G.o.d-like features and the body of a Calvin Klein underwear model, due to being born with what is termed the "drop-dead gorgeous" gene, but I can't help feeling life would be much easier if I were, indeed, ugly. How's it working out for you?

Regards, David

From: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Date: Thursday 8 May 2008 4:21 p.m. Thursday 8 May 2008 4:21 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker

You think you are f.u.c.king clever. Im a primary teacher and the kids in my cla.s.s write better than you moron! kiss my a.r.s.e.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 8 May 2008 4:29 p.m. Thursday 8 May 2008 4:29 p.m.

To: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Subject: Re: Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker Re: Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker

Now I am actually horrified. My son is in primary school, and I had the a.s.sumption that the adults I leave him in the care of would generally have a higher level of education than his. Just out of interest, can I ask if you have ever had s.e.x with one of your students?

From: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Date: Thursday 8 May 2008 4:37 p.m. Thursday 8 May 2008 4:37 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker Re: Re: Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker

I teach 3rd grade deads.h.i.+t

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 8 May 2008 4:46 p.m. Thursday 8 May 2008 4:46 p.m.

To: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker

My question still stands.

From: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Date: Thursday 8 May 2008 4:58 p.m. Thursday 8 May 2008 4:58 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker

Suck my c.o.c.k f.u.c.khead

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 9 May 2008 6:03 p.m. Friday 9 May 2008 6:03 p.m.

To: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker

Thank you, d.i.c.k. I will take your offer of oral s.e.x as a peace offering but will have to decline. While I appreciate the gesture, I am very much straight. I am flattered and even a little curious but feel it would be better if we refrained from giving in to desire at this stage in our relations.h.i.+p, and besides, I would not want to risk doing anything that may damage our friends.h.i.+p-which I have come to value very much.

From: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Date: Friday 9 May 2008 11:18 p.m. Friday 9 May 2008 11:18 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker

what? your an idiot im not gonna compete with an idiot anymore. burn in h.e.l.l w.a.n.ker not writing any more to you!

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Sat.u.r.day 10 May 2008 1:07 p.m. Sat.u.r.day 10 May 2008 1:07 p.m.

To: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a w.a.n.ker

Compete? I wouldn't attempt such a foolhardy exercise. I am possibly the least compet.i.tive person I know and am, in fact, the current national loser in the Who is Least Compet.i.tive Champions.h.i.+ps, where trying to win will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win, which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose, which makes you win, which makes you lose.

From: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Date: Sat.u.r.day 10 May 2008 4:40 p.m. Sat.u.r.day 10 May 2008 4:40 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: f.u.c.ken loser f.u.c.ken loser

Yeah your right you do lose. That was the biggest heap of s.h.i.+t i have eva readwhat was that even suposed to mean? dont emai me back your an idiot.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Sunday 11 May 2008 11:13 a.m. Sunday 11 May 2008 11:13 a.m.

To: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Subject: I want to touch your beard I want to touch your beard

I am very hurt by your comments, d.i.c.k, and I am not quite sure how to take them. Are you saying it is over? With time and a series of expensive counseling sessions, I may see my way through it. If you would be interested in, perhaps, attending some of these sessions together, I believe we may resolve our differences. It's the little things, isn't it, d.i.c.k? The little things that you found cute in the beginning of our relations.h.i.+p have become the catalyst for this anger. I can change for you, d.i.c.k. I love you.

From: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Date: Monday 12 May 2008 10:28 a.m. Monday 12 May 2008 10:28 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: f.a.ggot! f.a.ggot!

you are a f.u.c.ken idiot!!! I dont have time to read you stupid s.h.i.+t. What are you even wriing to me for ? I think you are doing it just to annoy me f.u.c.khead

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Monday 12 May 2008 10:51 a.m. Monday 12 May 2008 10:51 a.m.

To: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Subject: Re: f.a.ggot! Re: f.a.ggot!

I confess. You have caught me out, d.i.c.k. Alternative motives may have included "using d.i.c.k as entertainment," "playing with d.i.c.k," or even "let's get d.i.c.k heated," but yes, your supersleuth detective skills have once again outwitted me and centered in on the fundamental reason.

Please find attached a check made out to you for a copy of your book, Detective d.i.c.k's Deduction Dictionary. Detective d.i.c.k's Deduction Dictionary. I would also like to sign up to receive your monthly newsletter, and please book me in for your course "Deducing d.i.c.k." If I use my credit card to purchase the full two half-hour lessons, will I receive the Sherlock Holmesstyle cap and curved wooden pipe at no added cost? I have my own magnifying gla.s.s. Sometimes I use it on ants. Not to cook them, just to warm them on cold days or get a little fire going for them. I would also like to sign up to receive your monthly newsletter, and please book me in for your course "Deducing d.i.c.k." If I use my credit card to purchase the full two half-hour lessons, will I receive the Sherlock Holmesstyle cap and curved wooden pipe at no added cost? I have my own magnifying gla.s.s. Sometimes I use it on ants. Not to cook them, just to warm them on cold days or get a little fire going for them.

Regards, David

From: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Date: Monday 12 May 2008 11:09 a.m. Monday 12 May 2008 11:09 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: f.a.ggot! Re: Re: f.a.ggot!

Stop messaging me

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Monday 12 May 2008 11:22 a.m. Monday 12 May 2008 11:22 a.m.

To: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Subject: Re: Re: Re: f.a.ggot! Re: Re: Re: f.a.ggot!

OK.

Life-size Lucius free cutout doll A while back, I indicated in a certain article that the purchase of a certain T-s.h.i.+rt comes with a free Life-size Lucius doll. Due to having completely made this up, the doll was not delivered with the product, so I have provided this page for those who feel hard done by.

Guns, baseball caps, and pickup trucks: 3 weeks in the USA Flying out from Sydney Airport Sydney Airport incorporates an astonis.h.i.+ngly clever luggage trolley system called Smarte Carte. Basically, you pay four dollars and load up the trolley, then enter the terminal. At this stage you have to go up an escalator that does not fit trolleys. Luckily, after removing your luggage and journeying to the top of the escalator, there is another set of trolleys you can pay four dollars to use. You can then use the trolley for a few minutes until you reach the international terminal transfer train that does not allow trolleys...o...b..ard. Once the train reaches the international terminal, you pay four dollars for a trolley, which will enable you to take your luggage around a corner, where there is an escalator that does not fit trolleys but has more trolleys at the top for four dollars so that you can transport your luggage around two corners before reaching another escalator that does not fit trolleys. Having exhausted both your budget and patience, you carry your bags the rest of the way. Luckily, the crowds part for you, due partly to you dripping in sweat, but mainly due to your "I will stab you" expression, so that you can arrive at the check-in counter and pay two hundred thirty dollars in excess baggage weight fees.

United Airlines Many years ago, during a traditional family Christmas gathering, the family dog, named Gus, gained access to and consumed a one-kilogram tub of b.u.t.ter that had been left out of the refrigerator. He then proceeded to vomit up the entire kilo under the table (along with his prior meal of dog food and pieces of Christmas turkey). The similarity, minus a thin piece of three-day-old tomato and cold spinach, to the gelatin egg porridge I was served onboard the fourteen-hour United Airlines flight from Sydney to San Francisco was disturbing. I also suspect Gus's version may have contained more nutritional value. Luckily, my meal included a plastic cup of water, so using the power of imagination and a plastic spork, I pretended it was a thin soup and made it last for over an hour.

Although hungry and bored, I was lucky enough to have an overweight American girl sitting in front of me with her seat reclined, thus allowing close inspection of her dandruff. As her hair was very dark, by blurring my eyes I was able to pretend I was looking out of the window at a star-filled night and, at one point, made out the Big Dipper.

Waffle House Famished after spending a total of thirty-six hours on flying buses and waiting in flying bus stations, salvation presented itself in the form of what is, without question, America's finest restaurant chain. If I were a food critic being asked to write about the meal and experience at Waffle House, my review would contain just two words, one being an expletive and the other "Yes." Possibly accompanied by a pencil sketch of two fat people giving each other a high five. The only negative aspect of the meal was that our waitress, Shauna, hung around and kept going on about her dying child and the cost of cancer medicine in the hope of a large tip, but seeing through this ploy, we snuck out without paying and stole a Waffle House coffee mug in the process.