The Internet Is A Playground Part 28

Thomas leaves for meeting with himself.

4:12 p.m. Shannon diverts phone upstairs because she has to leave to "do some stuff." Shannon diverts phone upstairs because she has to leave to "do some stuff."

Highlights of South Australia, Part 1: The Monarto Zoo How is it that Victoria and Queensland can even hope to compete for tourism dollars when South Australia is home to THE Montarto Zoo, featuring a theoretical plethora of wild beasts? Sitting on an exschool bus with fifty other people as you drive through gates is exactly like being on an actual savanna in South Africa.

Monarto Zoo is always coming up with new advertising to get people to visit. The problem is that when people do visit, they come back and tell people that there are no animals there. If I were the manager of Monarto Zoo, I would have photographic, life-size cardboard cutouts of animals placed throughout the park and drive the bus too fast for people to notice they are not real. Once word got out that Monarto "does actually have animals" and people started visiting, we could afford to replace the cardboard animals with animatronic animals.

My offspring and I went to Monarto Zoo, thinking we could drive around the park as you see people in the movies do, having a monkey try to pull off one of our side mirrors or lions lying on the hood of our car.

We boarded a thirty-year-old school bus, then waited forty minutes for it to fill with people. We were especially lucky to be sitting opposite a mum with a baby that had bright yellow feces leaking out from its diaper. The bus traveled for about ten minutes before stopping to open gates. This happened about twenty times before we saw what was possibly a giraffe lying down. It was too far away to tell whether it was alive, and a few children started asking if it was OK, so the bus drove on.

The gate system is worth mentioning, as it consists of driving up to a gate and pressing a b.u.t.ton, the gate rolls open over the s.p.a.ce of several minutes and the bus drives through to the next gate and waits for the previous gate to close before opening the gate in front. As this happens at least seventy times, it should be added as a key highlight in promotional brochures. After another several gates, we saw a shed that apparently had a rhino in it, which was quite exciting. We then entered several gates and saw some goats. After an hour and several more gates, we returned to the center where we could buy stuffed animals made in China.

When his grandma asked him what the best part had been, my offspring replied, "The drive home," which I thought was pretty funny, but he wasn't joking.

Highlights of South Australia, Part 2: St. Kilda Swamp Only forty minutes' drive from the city is one of Adelaide's most enticing tourist attractions. For a reasonable admission fee of around twenty dollars, families can walk through a swamp along a looping boardwalk. Not all the way, of course, because the boardwalk is broken in places, but the high likelihood of the boardwalk collapsing at any moment only adds to the excitement.

On arrival at the St. Kilda mangroves, you make your way through the Interpretive Center, where they have mud and insects displayed so that you can see them before you enter the swamp. Unfortunately, the day we went, the Interpretive Center was closed, probably due to the staff having a meeting about mud and insects. A sign informed us that they were sorry about not being there but we could enter the swamp via a side gate after leaving money in an honor tin. Though my son attempted to access the contents, it was firmly padlocked.

Checkpoint 1 Pa.s.sing several signs warning us of snakes, we reached the boardwalk and entered the swamp. After pretending to push each other off the boardwalk into the mud for several minutes, we reached the first checkpoint. Checkpoints consist of slightly wider sections of the boardwalk, with signs explaining that the swamp contains mud and insects. There are twenty checkpoints.

Checkpoints 2 to 8 The mud is worth mentioning, as there were hardly any insects the day we visited. It is very deep in parts and not in others and has millions of spiky roots sticking out of it like semi-submerged hedgehogs. According to the brochure, the mud is teeming with life, but we did not see any. Interestingly enough, the brochure also mentioned that dolphins enter the swamp in search of food, but as they would require one of those ride-on boats with a big fan on the back like the dad drove in the television series Gentle Ben, Gentle Ben, this is quite unlikely. The people who wrote the brochure covered themselves, though; each statement regarding the wide and exciting range of animals to be seen began with "Depending on weather conditions ... ," so they could have added tigers, polar bears, and elk to the list without any risk of litigation. We did see a dead cat, but that was not listed in the brochure. this is quite unlikely. The people who wrote the brochure covered themselves, though; each statement regarding the wide and exciting range of animals to be seen began with "Depending on weather conditions ... ," so they could have added tigers, polar bears, and elk to the list without any risk of litigation. We did see a dead cat, but that was not listed in the brochure.

Checkpoints 9 to 13 While traversing the next few checkpoints, we played a game called "What we could be doing instead?"

Checkpoint 14 Despite the noticeable lack of other visitors to the swamp, as we progressed to checkpoint fourteen, a father and two children approached us along the boardwalk from the opposite direction, and we gave each other sympathetic and understanding nods as we pa.s.sed.

Checkpoints 15 to 19 We progressed through checkpoints fifteen to nineteen fairly quickly, driven on by the fact that I had left my cigarettes in the car. With only one checkpoint to go and the car in view, we came to a dead end, where the boardwalk had collapsed. Despite seriously considering jumping the five-meter gap, braving the millions of spiky roots sticking out of the mud, we were forced to turn back and retrace our journey.

Checkpoints 19 to 1 On the way back we pretended to push each other off the boardwalk into the mud, and since Seb was annoying me, I pushed him off the boardwalk into the mud. Due to his new sneakers being cased in twelve inches of solid black mud, he did not speak to me for the rest of the walk back, which was nice.

Shannon asks a favor after denying me petty cash From: Shannon Walkley Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 07 June 2010 12:14 p.m. Monday 07 June 2010 12:14 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Help Help

I just got a message about static ip and I cant login to my hotmail?!?

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Monday 07 June 2010 12:26 p.m. Monday 07 June 2010 12:26 p.m.

To: Shannon Walkley Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Help Re: Help

That message refers to static electricity. Turn off the computer, remove your shoes so that there is good contact between you and the floor, and keep both hands firmly on the keyboard for about ten minutes before turning your computer back on. This will discharge any residual static IP. Try to remain as still as possible during the process, as movement, especially while wearing synthetic clothing, will generate more. Are you wearing polyester pants today?

From: Shannon Walkley Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 07 June 2010 12:32 p.m. Monday 07 June 2010 12:32 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Help Re: Re: Help

Im wearing jeans.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Monday 07 June 2010 12:38 p.m. Monday 07 June 2010 12:38 p.m.

To: Shannon Walkley Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Help Re: Re: Re: Help

Then you should be fine. You may need to repeat the process two or three times to ensure full static IP discharge.

From: Shannon Walkley Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 07 June 2010 12:46 p.m. Monday 07 June 2010 12:46 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Help Re: Re: Re: Re: Help

ok thanks.

h.e.l.lo, my name is Lucius, and I am a straight man I hope this page lets us get to know each other, and maybe we can watch football together and other stuff that friends do. But just normal stuff, because I am not a gay man.

Star sign Taurus the lion king.

Favorite color All of them. Every color on our planet is beautiful.

Height While most females describe me as small, my height is an attribute, as I am able to hide in small s.p.a.ces. And everybody loves hobbits. Lord of the Rings Lord of the Rings was a great movie; it was written by Peter Jackson, who also makes cigarettes. was a great movie; it was written by Peter Jackson, who also makes cigarettes.

Special skills I am probably the best at Photoshop in the world. If there were a Jedi ranking for Photoshop skills, I would be a Jedi Master. Wiggling my mouse with the same dance-like grace of a lightsaber in the hands of a Grand Master Jedi. Like Yoda. But not as tall.

Hobbies Collecting and swapping unicorn figurines on eBay. I love unicorns. I think it is very sad that we allowed them to become extinct. Man is a selfish animal sometimes. We could have shared the world with them, but we hunted them for the magical powers their horns possessed.

If I had a unicorn I would meet it in the forest and be gentle with it until the day it trusted me enough to let me ride on its back. Once when I was out dancing, I met some guys who were going to get tattoos, so I joined them and got a unicorn on my chest. It has a rainbow-colored horn, which I was told symbolizes intelligence and beauty, so that is appropriate for me.

Me and my best friend Aaron. Aaron has great tattoos. I was going to get a tattoo but wasn't sure which of my designs was the best. They were all so great. Besides, having a tattoo might spoil my chances of getting signed to an international modeling career or something like that.

Aaron giving my skin a close check for discoloration after being out in the sun. He is very sun-safety conscious and always makes sure we "slip slop slap" before going out. He's a great friend and very caring. Nothing gay, though, because we are both straight.

The atmosphere during Mardi Gras was amazing. The sounds and smells and colorful floats. I wanted to drive one, but they wouldn't let me. I would have been a heap's better driver than the guy driving it. I could go heaps faster. I met lots of new friends and had a really good time. Nothing gay, though, because I am straight and they all knew that.

Love letters from d.i.c.k, Rove's biggest fan I wrote a stupid post a while back about the television host Rove and his dead girlfriend. Basically asking why no one mentions his dead girlfriend. I also stated that I thought she got off easy: "Not tonight, dear. I have cancer." Of all the messages I received proclaiming me to be a p.r.i.c.k for making statements about his dead girlfriend, d.i.c.k's were the most entertaining for me because he just kept going. Unfortunately, I have not received any correspondence from d.i.c.k for a while. I will a.s.sume he has been arrested by the beard police. This is saddening, since it seemed as though no matter what nonsense I sent him, he would reply in anger.

From: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Date: Tuesday 6 May 2008 7:42 p.m. Tuesday 6 May 2008 7:42 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Rove Rove

f.u.c.k you r.e.t.a.r.d wydont you shut up! he dident ask for his gilrfriend to die so use your brain to work out how you would feel and just f.u.c.ken shutup!

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Tuesday 6 Nov 2007 8:04 p.m. Tuesday 6 Nov 2007 8:04 p.m.

To: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Subject: Re: Rove Re: Rove

Dear d.i.c.k,

Thank you for your recommendation. I am currently writing a television script that I think you would be perfect for. It features a genius of superior wit and intellect who uses his uncanny abilities to protect the innocent. Aided by his loyal pet, masturbating monkey, he endeavors to right wrongs and solve crimes. At the end of each episode he will leave us with a profound, thought provoking, and politically correct statement such as "Don't leave your pet in the car with the windows up" or "f.u.c.k you, r.e.t.a.r.d-wydont you shut up?"

An important part of the character development, as I see it, would be the developing relations.h.i.+p between yourself and the masturbating monkey. The show will be t.i.tled Monkey d.i.c.k Monkey d.i.c.k (a combination of private d.i.c.k and the pet monkey, similar to (a combination of private d.i.c.k and the pet monkey, similar to Canine Cop Canine Cop), and I do hope you will make yourself available for this opportunity.

Regards, David

From: Richard Matthews Richard Matthews Date: Tuesday 6 May 2008 8:17 p.m. Tuesday 6 May 2008 8:17 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Rove Re: Re: Rove

f.u.c.k you c.o.ksucker you should be ashamed of what you wrote that was wrong ad you know it How wud you feel if you were rove? why dont you f.u.c.k off.