The Internet Is A Playground Part 22

An excellent suggestion. Sometimes the most obvious solution to a problem is the one that evades us most easily. Like a cow in a dark forest.

Regards, David

Kaleth the Adelaide gothic h.e.l.lo, my name is Kaleth. My real name is Darryl, but my friends call me Kaleth. I asked them to, and some of them said they would. I am a vampire and a creature of the night, which is why my friend Zothecula and I stand in the middle of the mall during the day discussing bats and being misunderstood.

My cousin Justin wants to be a gothic as well, but you can't just become a gothic, you are either creative and sensitive like I am or you are not. I agreed to meet him at the mall to stand in the middle and discuss bats and be misunderstood, but when he got there it was obvious that his top was actually very dark blue and not black, so I did not let him. Yesterday, while we were standing in the middle of the mall discussing bats and being misunderstood, a group of people called me an Emu. I looked it up on Google, and it turns out that it is a bird that can't fly, so they were wrong, because I can fly. Once, when I was a bat, I flew to my friend Zothecula's house and tapped on his window. The next day he told me that he saw a bat outside his window, and I told him that it was me, but he didn't believe me. Zothecula and I are going to live forever because we are both vampires. We met on an Internet chat site called batsandbeingmisunderstood.com last year, and now we regularly catch the bus to the mall to stand in the middle and discuss bats and being misunderstood together. I met my Internet girlfriend Nightblade on the same site, and we had planned to get married in a graveyard at midnight, but she turned out to be an old guy living in a caravan, so that didn't work out. last year, and now we regularly catch the bus to the mall to stand in the middle and discuss bats and being misunderstood together. I met my Internet girlfriend Nightblade on the same site, and we had planned to get married in a graveyard at midnight, but she turned out to be an old guy living in a caravan, so that didn't work out.

I was playing my Best of Siouxsie and the Banshees Best of Siouxsie and the Banshees ca.s.sette really loud the other day while doing some gothic dancing, and my neighbor slipped a note under my door that read "Turn it down, Batman." He calls me Batman because I painted my front door black with bats on it so that it looks like they are flying out of a cave. One of the bats has my face on it, and my best friend Zothecula said that it is the best painting he has ever seen. If my neighbor knew that I could cast a magic spell that would just kill him straight away, he would be more careful. ca.s.sette really loud the other day while doing some gothic dancing, and my neighbor slipped a note under my door that read "Turn it down, Batman." He calls me Batman because I painted my front door black with bats on it so that it looks like they are flying out of a cave. One of the bats has my face on it, and my best friend Zothecula said that it is the best painting he has ever seen. If my neighbor knew that I could cast a magic spell that would just kill him straight away, he would be more careful.

Yes, us gothics are more intelligent and sensitive than you, and we do look at things differently, but that doesn't mean that we can't all get along. We understand you, so I think you should at least try to understand us.

Here are some of my paintings. I do them to show others the pain and torment I experience.

The color of my heart.

This is a painting of bats flying around at night. One of them is me.

This one is the inside of a coffin.

This one needs no explanation-it just makes me cry every time I look at it.

Frogs and temporal distortion fields When I was about ten, my best friend Dominic and I would go down to the creek at the end of our street and play. The creek contained thousands of tadpoles and you could easily find several frogs by lifting rocks.

Speaking of my best friend Dominic, he lived just five minutes from my house, with grapevines between the houses. One day he called me to come over and I left right away. As I was walking through the grapevines, I received what felt like a large push from behind and almost fell; when I turned around to confront the person who had pushed me, there was n.o.body there. I continued to Dominic's house, and he asked where I had been because I had left my house almost four hours earlier. True story. I have, to this day, no knowledge of where the four hours went, but I think I walked through some kind of temporal distortion field, possibly to a far off future where I met my soul mate, we grew old together, and I was then given the choice after she died to return to my own time, the moment I left, with no memory of my future life. This is obviously the most likely explanation.

We would take a frog and insert one of those thin fruit box straws into its a.n.u.s and blow it up like a balloon. We would then put the frog onto the water and let go and watch it speed across the creek. Sometimes the frogs would burst as we were blowing them up. As the creeks were teeming with the tadpoles, we cla.s.sed this as no more cruel and unnecessary as throwing the tadpoles at each other from each side of the creek in what we called Tadpole Wars. One day we threw frogs at cars driving past but were chased by a lady, so we didn't do that again. Once, after reading that licking toads would make you high, we dared each other to swallow frogs live. On one occasion my mother opened the freezer to find eighteen frozen frogs, because I had been told that they could be frozen and then revived.

A couple of years ago I was in the area with my son and we went to the creek, but there were no frogs or tadpoles in it. This could be because they have all died out from pollution over the years, but I prefer to think that they are fine and remembered me through some form of inherited group memory and hid. We did find a shopping trolley, though, which entertained my son for about an hour, so that was good.

I thought I would have a lot more to write about frogs, but I am bored already.

Frog Facts The Brazilian Jungle Frog can mimic human speech and grows to the size of a small child.

Frozen frogs make a healthy and fun addition to any kid's school lunch box.

Mud Frogs can live for up to eighty years but spend all this time in hibernation under dried river mud.

When blended, frogs make an excellent energy drink, which contains 92 percent of recommended daily vitamin intake.

While frogs have a varied diet, which includes nuts and corn, their favorite meal is the cheese quesadilla from Applebee's for $6.69. Due to the fact that frogs do not require oxygen and can withstand extreme pressures, they can often be found searching the ocean floor for their second favorite food, krill. These deep-sea abilities make the frog a perfect companion for skin divers as part of the buddy system. Frogs can also be taught to weld.

Frogs have excellent reception and can be used in place of your standard television aerial.

Frogs are extremely territorial and protect their nests by attending Neighborhood Watch meetings. Frogs prefer contemporary furniture over traditional. A pile of empty flat-pack IKEA boxes at the base of a tree is a sure sign that a frog nest is present.

Placed between tissue paper and under heavy books for a few weeks, a dried frog makes a stunning broach.

There are approximately eighteen thousand varieties of frogs, but most fall into one of three categories: the big frog, the little frog, and the black bear. As the chart below shows, there is a frog in the United States, one in what looks like j.a.pan, and a really big one in Africa.

Tom's diary a week in the life of a creative director h.e.l.lo, my name is Thomas, and I run a design agency. You have probably heard of me, as I am known as the Design Guru of Adelaide. Everybody calls me that. You can call me Tommy, though. Or the Design Guru of Adelaide, if you want. Just try it and see how it sounds. No? OK, I wasn't asking you to call me that; I was just saying most people do. It's not a problem-Tommy, then. Or the Design Guru of Adelaide if you say it a few times in your head and find you prefer it because it rolls off the tongue quite well. OK, Thomas, then.

Monday 10:30 a.m.

At work early this morning because I started writing a novel last night and am keen to check if any publishers have e-mailed me with expressions of interest yet. I am about halfway through, and so far it is brilliant. It is about a guy who runs a design agency during the day but at night is a karate soldier with psychic powers. And can fly. And has lots of girlfriends. I am currently looking through photos of me for an appropriate one to use on the cover. One that says "creative genius" but at the same time "Hey." I will probably use the one where I am sitting on a chair, as it will remind people of that statue where the guy is thinking, called Guy Thinking. Or the one of me on the beach, because my hair looks great and I am not wearing a s.h.i.+rt, which will sell books.

12:30 p.m.

Have just ordered a new MacBook Pro because my current one is almost six months old and I cannot be expected to play Solitaire at these speeds.

Staff complained about the speed of theirs when they heard, but I spend four to five hours each day sitting behind them watching what they do and have witnessed, firsthand, Photoshop running fine on the Macintosh IIci they share. I just upgraded it to 8 MB a few years ago and am far too busy to be dealing with their petty issues.

1:30 p.m.

Spent the last hour writing another chapter of my novel. It now spans several millennia, from the nineteenth century to the twentieth, due to the main character being immortal. Having him first jousting redcoats then, later in the novel, time-traveling robots, provides contrast and a break from the parts where he has a lot of girlfriends.

2:30 p.m.

Have been sitting behind the staff having brilliant ideas. I think of things all the time that are brilliant. What is it called when you are a sideways thinker? I am one of those. I usually have about ten sideways ideas per minute. I should probably sit the exam for Mensa. I am just too busy. Just this morning, while shaving my back, I thought how great it would be if my shaver had an MP3 player built in, as I was in the mood for a bit of Seal and that would have made the four-and-a-half-hour process more enjoyable. I would call it the Rave'n'Shave.

3:30 p.m.

Heading out for a drive shortly to buy a kite-they are a great way of meeting new friends. I have a meeting scheduled but have told the secretary that if the client comes in before I get back, to talk about me and say, "I am surprised you managed to get an appointment with him, as he is in high demand and is known as the Design Guru of Adelaide."

4:30 p.m.

Got back in time for client meeting. We agreed on a package that saves me 20 percent on local calls, so it has been a successful day. Heading home because I am exhausted and Jumper Jumper is on cable. is on cable.

Tuesday 12:30 p.m.

Just got into the office, as I was up late downloading the iPhone developer's kit. I played a lot of s.p.a.ce Invaders s.p.a.ce Invaders on my Commodore 64 when I was young and have a brilliant idea for an app that will make millions of dollars. It is a bit like on my Commodore 64 when I was young and have a brilliant idea for an app that will make millions of dollars. It is a bit like s.p.a.ce Invaders s.p.a.ce Invaders but more like but more like Frogger. Frogger. With a Braille touch screen for the blind. With a Braille touch screen for the blind.

1:30 p.m.

Spent an hour writing another chapter of my novel. The main character now works as an international fas.h.i.+on model. And has the ability to transport himself to any location on the planet as long as he has been there before.

2:30 p.m.

Since my creative energies are too large to be tethered to one discipline, in addition to becoming a famous author, I have decided to win Australian Idol Australian Idol this year. I have my first singing lesson in half an hour. My voice is like one of those mermaids that sings to sailors as they crash onto rocks. But a man version, with a deeper voice, and legs. Although I have the look they are after and perfect pitch and tenor, it makes sense to get a few pointers from a professional beforehand. this year. I have my first singing lesson in half an hour. My voice is like one of those mermaids that sings to sailors as they crash onto rocks. But a man version, with a deeper voice, and legs. Although I have the look they are after and perfect pitch and tenor, it makes sense to get a few pointers from a professional beforehand.

3:30 p.m.

Have decided not to win Australian Idol Australian Idol this year as I am too busy. this year as I am too busy.

4:00 p.m.

Long day. Heading home after I send out an e-mail to all staff reminding them to refer to me as the Design Guru of Adelaide and describe working with me as "inspiring" when they talk about me with people at the pub or during family dinners.

Wednesday 11:00 a.m.

Late one last night. Decided to go to the pub and stayed for a few drinks even though everyone I knew was leaving when I got there. Guys are uneasy being around me with their girlfriends because they know the ladies are thinking about me naked. Probably lifting weights or dancing. Luckily, there was a girl at the bar by herself, so I sat down and talked to her about me. Surprisingly, she had not heard of me even though I am very well known and people refer to me as the Design Guru of Adelaide. Unfortunately, she had to leave before she could finish reading the news clippings about me that I keep in my pocket, but she did agree to give me her mobile number, 0123 456789, so will ring her tonight and talk about me then.

1:40 p.m.

Staff member just mentioned that eight years ago I said, "I have full-body cancer with only one year to live, and that's why everybody needs to work quicker." Told them that I never said that and to stop making things up. Anyway, I was talking about another guy who had cancer. He is dead now, so they should show some respect.

2:00 p.m.

Leaving early today to ring the girl I met last night. She will probably want to meet for a drink or come over to my place, so I need to collate the photocopies of news clippings and magazine articles about me into a sc.r.a.pbook for her and shampoo my chest. I also need to make a mixtape of my favorite songs. I know most of the dance moves to Disco Dis...o...b.. the Pet Shop Boys so will start slow with that before popping and locking for her with some Depeche Mode. by the Pet Shop Boys so will start slow with that before popping and locking for her with some Depeche Mode.

Thursday 9:30 a.m.

Early night last night. Walked into the office talking on phone, telling client I appreciate him for saying I was the most creative and brilliant person in Australia, when the phone rang. Explained to staff that my phone is one of the new iPhones that rings while you are on a call to let you know that someone else is calling and they just haven't heard of it yet. Because their phones are old. And I got cut off at the same time it rang. That's the only reason I stopped talking and looked surprised.

10:30 a.m.

Finis.h.i.+ng up the final chapters of my novel. It is now set in a post-apocalyptic future where the polar ice caps have melted, water covers the planet, and people live in floating towns.

11:00 a.m.

I have a meeting to go to in an hour and need to go shopping for something nice to wear, as my green trucker hat does not go with any of my canvas shoes. I should start my own T-s.h.i.+rt company because I have lots of brilliant ideas for T-s.h.i.+rt designs and people would be happy to pay upward of two hundred dollars per s.h.i.+rt if they knew I had designed it. Like Ed Hardy. Except I would have cats on mine because cats are very popular. I would sell them online, and every time someone googled my name it would come up with my T-s.h.i.+rt company and they would buy them. I should also make a website where people can buy my s.e.m.e.n. Women would pay thousands for my s.e.m.e.n. Because of my creative genes. Like one of those racehorses or a cow with award-winning udders. I would do that if I weren't so busy.

4:30 p.m.

Have just gotten back from a four-hour meeting with a potential client in regard to designing a business card for them. I am very excited about where this could lead, as they are the eighteenth largest supplier of gravel in both the east and east-west suburbs of Adelaide. I will send them a quote in a few weeks, since they take a long time to write. I could tell they were impressed during the meeting, especially when I explained the need to incorporate cats into the design, as they continually rose, in a manner that can only be described as lengthy standing ovations, then sat down again when I kept talking. One of the female clients was very attracted to me, so I spent an hour showing her color photocopies of my Smart Roadster specs and explained what all the graphs meant. I will send her an e-mail now and tell her my last girlfriend died of cancer or something so that she knows I am available and will attach a photo of me sitting in my car. And one of me wearing jogging shorts so she knows I am athletic.

4:35 p.m.

Heading home, as I am exhausted both physically and mentally after two client meetings in as many months.

Friday 10:30 a.m.

Walked in and had an argument with the secretary. I do not see why I have to justify myself to her. It is my business and therefore my company Visa card. I do not appreciate being questioned. Obviously there has been some kind of mistake and we have been charged $29.95 per month by teens.h.e.m.a.l.e.com in error. It is not her job to ring the bank and question the purchase when I told her I would take care of it even though I am extremely busy. in error. It is not her job to ring the bank and question the purchase when I told her I would take care of it even though I am extremely busy.

10:35 a.m.

Have put a pa.s.sword on my computer. Used a random selection of 128 numbers and characters so as to make it impossible for the secretary to guess. Will not write it down anywhere, in case she finds it.

1:30 p.m.

Completed my novel. It is without a doubt the best book ever written and will become a bestseller within weeks. This will mean that I will be very busy doing promotional tours and replying to people who have written thanking me for sharing my gift, so I will need to tell my staff that I will not be here as often to give them the creative guidance they rely on me for. This will be upsetting, but they have to understand that I owe it to my fans to do book signing tours and appear on Dancing with the Stars. Dancing with the Stars.

1:35 p.m.

To celebrate the completion of my novel, I invited the staff over to my place to listen to stories about me, but they all had prior plans.

2:00 p.m.

Heading home and calling it a week. It has been a very busy one and therefore productive. Next week is going to be extremely busy as I have decided to write a musical based on my life story. Probably with cats in it as cats are very popular.

Roz loves Adelaide and owns a plain Roz Knorr, a pseudonym I will a.s.sume unless she is part Klingon, does not like Adelaide. Or perhaps it is just me. She certainly doesn't like my writing and seems to have missed the point that there are plenty of other writers discussing sweatshop children and how man has ravaged Mother Earth. Sometimes it is nice to have a pointless distraction. We can't spend every waking hour kissing trees and throwing paint at women wearing fur coats.

From: Roz Knorr Roz Knorr Date: Monday 12 October 2009 11:56 a.m. Monday 12 October 2009 11:56 a.m.